Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

OP does your dh know how you feel?

I don't really understand any of your OP. I am honestly wracking my brains for what could possibly be inherently wrong about private education. I also can't see why you'd find your DSD's enthusiasm about school embarrassing.

I'm a bit cross now.

Onthedoorstep, do please correct me if I'm wrong, but you now seem to have decided that all the negative responses you got were purely "venom" directed towards all stepmothers, and not personal to you or your situation with your DSD.
Therefore you can step back and say "it's ok for me to continue the way I am, and to continue to allow my family to treat my DSD this way, because adverse comments are only because I'm a stepmum".

Not at all, from me anyway. If you were not her stepmum and you allowed your family to treat her this way because you were more worried about your parents/siblings' reaction to her schooling than her feelings at the way they treat her, you'd still be in the wrong and should still be taking steps to sort it out.

Op - every single child will make what their parents (birth/adopted/step) feel are wrong decisions and which might even embarrass them. But if the decision is the right decision for the child, then you suck it up and hide your embarrassment. In other words you push down your personal feeling about the situation and (in my case) accept that your teen thinks dyed black hair is wonderful.
You cannot distance yourself from the fact that your DSD goes to private school. You can learn to deal with it in a mature fashion - she can hardly be the first child you've come across who does not go to state school - and to support her in her educational endeavours. You can tell your family to grow up and treat her in a civil fashion.
As your OP was al about your family reaction I am confused about exactly "who" perceives DSD to be your child. Surely they are very aware that she is your step-daughter and that some decisions about her life, like her schooling, were taken by her parents?
What really comes across in the subtext of your posts is that you do not seem to have a close and/or happy relationship with your family and that you are seeking their approval. Please do not put down DSD (and her school) for this purpose.

Hang on. I am confused now. Are you saying op, that you dont like it either that the DSD is at private school?
Not merely that you find it embarassing when your DSD talks about it in front of your family, because of your family's reaction?

OP: I think the embarrassment is that she IS perceived as my child, so those decisions are seen as my responsibility.

Are you saying your family don't know that this decision has been taken by her father and mother, and is nothing to do with you? I would assume if you care so much what they think of you, that they would at least be close enough to you to know how the situation works.

I had some sympathy for you when you first posted. I even could imagine feeling the same. However, I think there have been some very insightful posts which have disagreed with your original one, and seen ways to help you (which is what you asked for), and I think it would do you some good to consider them. A few have been mean. You do get that on MN! Doesn't mean you throw the baby out with the bath water.

snoofle - OP said Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong and she's given no indication that she has changed her views. And she said she "wants their blessing", which she knows she isn't going to get as they are so inflexible.
SO I don't think there's any doubt that she doesn't like that DSD is at private school and that school fees were written into DHs divorce agreement.
Plus the thread title kind of give it away: Dsd private schooled: I find it embarrassing

The decisions aren't wrong, just not the ones you'd make.

Who is it that perceives her as your child?

I think loads of people have said this already, this is more about you and your worry of how you are perceived.

If it is all about you, op, then you must have known she was at private school when you married your husband?

OP, doesn't engage much with this thread other than throwing a couple of not very informative or reflective comments in here and there.

There is no point in trying to help her "see sense" because she doesn't appear to wish to improve this situation or change her outlook and attitude.thats her loss.

Just for the record (brdgrl et al) I don't agree that people are judging OP because she is the evil step mother but rather for the immature, judgmental, unkind and possibly hurtful way she, an adult with a degree of 'duty of care', is treating her step daughter.

Actually, if one did want to focus of the step parent bit, I have to say she does come across as a cold and judgmental figure in this tale not loving, welcoming or accepting. She hasn't said anything at all that would lead me to believe she cared much for the dsd. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Never mind. Hopefully the dsd in this scenario has welcoming and supportive family on her mother's and father's side. If OP can't get over herself that's surely her loss. The dsd will resent her for this and OP will create a lot of negativity in her life. What a waste.

I think that's the reason why they are referred to as blended families. You have to blend which to me means there are things you won't necessarily agree with or even like, so its about acceptance and tolerance of the differences and a whole load of unconditional love. No one in a step situation can ever expect to have it all their own way. And negotiating all of that is why it's so hard at times.

Are you equally surprised at the venom displayed to grown ups who are acting out their political beliefs/inverse snobbery on the child? - because that's mostly what you're getting here op.

Coo - couldn't believe this thread has run to 13 pages and I haven't read most of the posts. My grand-daughter goes to a private school (went at aged 11) and this was my DIL's decision. She went to a grammar school and wanted DGD to go to the same school but she didn't pass the entrance exam or 11+ and DIL didn't want her going to the local comp. I must admit I was a bit surprised as we are a working class family (though with professional jobs) and I asked my son what he thought and he said it would never have crossed his radar but he could see his wife was adamant.

I am a life long socialist and am opposed to private education but it was not my business so I kept quiet.

SO my lovely GD attends a small private school in a lovely are (400 girls) and she is thriving. There are approx. 12 girls in the class and that has to be an advantage. She has some advantages obviously, their own swimming pool, drama studio, dance studio and lovely green fields for games etc etc etc. My worry was that the other girls would be snobby and she wouldn't fit in, but this hasn't been a problem. She does have friends from very wealthy families (huge houses and ponies in the paddock............etc) and they go on exotic holidays. My DGD is not phased by any of this and has her feet firmly on the floor.

Having said all this I think she would have thrived at the local comp.....

One or two of my friends have raised their eyebrows and asked what I think about this, and I've just had to say I remain opposed to private ed(which I do) but it wasn't my decision.

I think the thing I hate most is sitting in the car park waiting for DGD once a week in my little 10 year old beaten up Fiesta and being surrounded by huge 4 x 4s, BMWs, and other enormous vehicles. I'm not ashamed of my little Fiesta I just don't like being amongst such obvious wealth.

I am gobsmacked that you are in your 40s, I had you down as mid-20s at the most, you sound very immature.

Why on earth is your DSD perceived as your child and her schooling therefore your decision? I can't understand that at all. Your family don't sound the brightest if that's what they think, tbh.

I don't understand that bit either. Your family know that she is not your dd. Do you mean that you think people who don't know you are judging you for having a dd at private school?

*RiverTam8 - I thought the same thing regarding age. OP comes across as a much younger person, and perhaps rather jealous of the opportunities DSD has, especially as she says that her own family were not very concerned with her education. A case of the shoemakers children being the worst shod?

OP - please engage with DSD and encourage her to talk about what she is doing at school. It's really positive that she is so enthusiastic and wants to talk - would you rather she sat morosely in her room, glued to her IPad? She sounds a sociable young person who is perhaps reaching out to these rather hostile adults in the only way she knows how.

And try to separate your conflicted feelings about your family from DSD. You say you are not close, but also seek their approval. Are you happy with your relationship with them? how would you like it to improve and what positive steps can you do to make things different? TBH, I don't think DSD is the real issue here, it is just a symptom of the gulf between what you want from your family and what exists in reality.

you have a chance to build a real and positive relationship with DSD that does not mirror your relationship with your own family and I encourage you to do just that. I am in a semi-step parent situation (very complex!) and while things have been very difficult at times, it is worth it. We have a very close relationship, she seeks my advice and opinions and on Mother's Day my card said "You're like a mother to me." it is so worth persevering!

NanaNina, thats a well put post. For gods sake, the rest of you, get a life and stop tearing OP apart. Like a bunch of Rottweilers, and that's doing the breed injustice!

Is this more to do with choices your DH made which embarrass you?

Fairenuff, I just want to say that I've seen you on lots of threads and I always really respect your comments.

But on this one occasion I do think your comments were ill-judged (quibbling over the difference between inherently wrong and morally wrong) and that brdgrl was in the right. It's OK for the OP to believe that private schools are 'wrong'. I don't agree with her, but I do believe that it's a valid opinion.

However I also believe that supporting and encouraging her DSD (as long as she's not being rude about people who attend state schools) is more important than keeping her parents happy.

Good luck OP. I can see you're in a tricky position so I hope things improve.

Fairenuff, I just want to say that I've seen you on lots of threads and I always really respect your comments.

Thank you mrspepperpotty that is very kind of you to say.

Regarding the 'quibbling' - I quoted OP as I thought it an odd phrase to apply to parental choice of schooling. I wasn't talking about morals at all.

Morals are different because they do change accordingly custom and culture but 'inherent' does not apply to them. Anyway, I didn't get into any kind of quibbling with brdgrl as it wasn't really relevant to the thread. I just responded to her briefly and politely.

This is what I wrote.

How can anything legal be 'inherently wrong'?

And this was her response:

How can anything legal be 'inherently wrong'? That is just nonsense.
Right...so everything legal is morally right? Something can't be both legal and very very wrong? That's...an interesting claim. (But let's keep that in mind when the "were you the OW?" question next pops up, shall we?)

Me: It's your claim, brdgrl, not mine. Your words, not mine.

Her: Your words: How can anything legal be 'inherently wrong'? That is just nonsense. Have you changed your mind? Are you now saying that in fact something legal can be inherently wrong?
You seem very confused.

Me: No, I haven't changed my mind.

Her: Right. OK. You know, a discussion of political values or family relationships is pretty much impossible with a person who thinks that anything legal cannot be wrong. The mind boggles.

Me: Again, not my words. I'm sorry that you're confused about this. I did not use the words morally wrong, I was quoting OP's inherently wrong. Different meaning. HTH.

Her: Fairenuff, you aren't clever enough for the semantic game you wish to play. I am, if you'd like to carry on.

Her again: You may report me for that of course. Your game of goading and snark is far more offensive, for the record.

Me: I am just responding to your questions but am more than happy not to engage with you. I have seen from many other posts how you like to have the last word, so have it. I am giving it to you. Enjoy!

So, there you go. Hopefully it's over now

Thank you, mrspepperpotty.

However I also believe that supporting and encouraging her DSD (as long as she's not being rude about people who attend state schools) is more important than keeping her parents happy.
I agree. From my first post on this thread, I have said exactly the same thing. The problem - as so often on this board - is that people are not content to give the OP the advice she is seeking, or to suggest other ideas - it has to be accompanied by a side dish of vitriol and character assassination.
My first post on this particular thread expressed empathy with the OP, then I suggested to her an approach I have found helps me to deal with similar situations in a mild and nonjudgmental way with my own DSC.

It is perfectly understandable and valid for the OP to feel as she does.
It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to speak up if her DSD is making others uncomfortable with remarks that are classist or snobbish, or being a show-off.
It's not reasonable for the OP to be unkind, and she knows this, and has therefore asked for suggestions in dealing with, as you say, a tough situation.

It is remarkable, though, the number of posters taking her to task for being judgmental or unkind, while being so incredibly judgmental and unkind themselves.

Surely it should be your dh you should (if anyone) be embarrassed by not a child. He, and his ex, being the ones who make the decisions about her schooling after all.

Good point Jayne, because if private schooling is so abhorrent to you OP, why would you marry a man with totally different principles to you?

Does he know how you feel about this?

It is written into the divorce settlement so he may not be all that enthusiastic about it now. People change. Circumstances change. Maybe he was never that into it, but his ex wife was...

The dd/dsd is a teenager (forgot precise age), which means plenty of water under the bridge for things to change.

At some point he agreed to it (to, not necessarily with). That was his choice (&ew) not his daughters. He may have changed his mind later but I don't think it would reflect to well on him if he pulled his daughter out of a school she obviously enjoyed and I suspect had friends at because for some reasons his principles changed either.
To lay it at the feet of a child is just wrong.

Op if you're really struggling financially, get your dh to apply for a bursary.