Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

These are the same people who would crawl over their dead grandma for a decent catchment area, or local grammer school, then brag about how socilaist they are to be 'going state'.

Tell them to keep their noses out, and their opinions to themselves.

Actually, I understand and sympathise OP. My sister went to Oxford (well done her) and spent several years very loudly and deliberately discussing obscure works of literature and mentioning 'Oxford' in a slightly too loud voice in public places while the rest of us cringed. I think she wanted other people to be impressed at her intelligence, when actually she was coming over as boorish and arrogant, all 'look at me I am so smart I can discuss this obscure poet the way you mere mortals discuss football, because I am on a different and superior level altogether'. I can well imagine your feelings about DSD talking loudly about how marvellous her school is is probably similar, and yes it's very embarrassing. However she is a kid so I think you need to let her grow up and just let it happen.

I think it's more about me wanting their approval - and I'm not going to get it.

I too think that is the crux. And that is difficult. I think that we all want approval from our own family members?
Sorry, I dont think I know the answer.

Also remember - its not the childs choice (ok but wh

The best state school in my borough gets 64% 5 A-C at GCSE. The worst indy gets about 80% - you know the indy that is left with the DC rejected by the other indies. I think you should copy that out and stick it where the sun doesn't shine for your holier than thou teacher relatives.

These are the same people who would crawl over their dead grandma for a decent catchment area, or local grammer school, then brag about how socilaist they are to be 'going state'.

Not necessarily nice - I was left to decide whether to take 11+ and then to choose between super-selective girls grammar and local comp myself, because a certain far-left teacher parent of mine would not get involved in a decision like that. Some people do stick very rigidly to their principles. It's best to be tactful. My DC have certainly been schooled (by me) to underplay (not mention) our use of private medicine- so cotentious, it is politer to skirt around it.

You are however going to get some posters who have purely read the op, and get some more "get over yourself" comments.

contentious^

Sodding blackberry
...Who wouldn't choose Hogwarts over Bast Street? Don't make her feel bad/wrong about it. Address the attitudes/comments of the adults here.

'So why does aunty Derek scowl at me when I mention school and make fun of my accent?'
'Because she says that you are a class traitor and now a priveleged member of the elite ruling class who should be put against a wall'

Because she says that you are a class traitor and now a priveleged member of the elite ruling class who should be put against a wall

Yes nice, that is exactly what her OP has reported her family as thinking/saying. Well summarised.

OP you need to speak to your family about how step families operate. Your DH has responsibilities to his DD. This has little to do with you and absolutely nothing to do with them. Their views are inconsequential.

Arf - I was channeling someone I was at uni with who wanted to be a Trade Union leader when he grew up.

Trade Union leader when he grew up

Don't tell me - he is now a derivatives trader?

Their views may be inconsequential, but there attitudes certainly are not.

You could tell them what a friend of mine told her family when they sent their Ds to a private school. They said that the best local state school was massively oversubscribed (true) and so they were performing a public service by sending their son to a private school when they could afford it and freeing up a place for a family that could not.

That shut her family right up.

How awful. My DSM has lots of judgements about me and the way I was raised. She is a lovely person but I have always known what she thinks by the way she acts which wa very hard when I was a confused teenager. Your DSD probably knows what you think as well. It's fair enough to be against private schools in concept but thinking she should not talk openly about her school and be embarrassed about it is abs

Are your family of teachers giving your DSD filthy / judgey looks? Are they blanking her when she talks to them about school? Or are they perfectly pleasant to her and it's only you that's cringing on the inside, because you know what their personal opinion really is?

As they're teachers, I assume she's trying to find common ground to hold a conversation with a bunch of adults. If they don't want to listen to her go on about her private education, I'm sure they're skilled enough to find another common topic and steer the conversation in another direction.

Absolutely shocking. She is a lucky girl appreciating the experiences and benefits being provided to her. Sounds like you think she should be shame faced and just shy away if someone asks her abOut her school.

Unless she is walking around going "i go to x school aren't I clever, we study x y and z I bet you don't know anything about that! bla bla bla" in a posh arrogant voice then I think the problem lies with your family not her!

How old are you?

Why does your family's opinions bother you ?

You need to have more confidence in yourself or thought about it before you got married.

Teenagers will always find some way to embarrass/humiliate their parents, that's life. .

Can you imagine how nervous and uncomfortable DSD must feel at family gatherings, where obviously many people feel she doesn't fit in? Some people instinctively shrink into a corner and become silent, others like me nervously chatter inanely. She's a teenager, she's at school much of the time, what can she talk about? I imagine talking about any of her friends/ extra-curricular activities/ interests could all be seen as 'showing off'...should she stay silent? Or will she then appear sullen, stand-offish and rude.

None of my (bizarre) family including my (very ...odd) DSS are embarrassing to me because they are not me. They are separate entities. Let her do what she likes - it doesn't reflect back on you.

And I agree with Nicename. There's nothing worse than the many lefties I know, squealing about school catchments when their kids are three and four, desperate to get them in the best state school they can, so they can look down on people at private school.

It's really, really none of your family's business.

It wouldn't even be their business if it was your own biological daughter, but they do understand that you had no say in the matter, right?!?

I was on the hockey team at my old state school in a deprived area. I loved history. The boys played rugby and we went skiing in France.

DD goes to the same school which is now an academy and seems awfully posh compared to the old state. She's on the hockey team and loves Art. They have trips to Africa, New York and Greece.

I agree I think it's more the fact your paying for it and that's clouding your better judgement