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Step-parenting

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Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

328 replies

Onthedoorstep · 20/05/2014 07:55

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

OP posts:
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Whatever21 · 23/05/2014 12:23

OP - I respect your opinion, everyone is entitled to one - we just disagree on this subject.

It does come across that your opinion colours your judgement, on your DSD and how she behaves.

Her father made a decision about how he wanted his child educated. If it is an expensive private school £20000 per annum- he had/has the means to pay for this. If he does not have a problem with it, then the matter ends there. Teaching your dsd, without judging her , that there is another view in life would be a better way of approaching it - for both you and your family.

If this makes monies tight for you and your DP, then you both need to discuss this - it depends what you consider scraping by and sacrificing.

I struggle with the concept that paying for education is bad and morally wrong. Education is not free in many countries in the world, parents pay to educate their children in Africa, to give them a chance - a free education is not open to everyone.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 23/05/2014 12:34

OP, how on earth is this a step parenting issue? If your husband was wealthy came from a privileged background and your family looked down on that, you would be just as embarrassed.

This is your problem. Don't make this about your step daughter when it isn't.

KatieKaye · 23/05/2014 13:32

Because OP is convinced her family are 100% right and that DSD must be made to realise that it is inherently evil to talk her school activities?
Or because she realises the intolerant attitude these people display reflects very porky on them?
If DSD is regarded by them as an example of all that is wrong with private education it must be said the are hardly demonstrating by their actions why their school is better. Why would DSD want to attend a school with such prejudiced teachers?
End of the day it is none of their business which school she attends or even which political persuasion she is.

Famousfem · 23/05/2014 14:26

a lot of the questions I don't want to answer because I don't want to seem rude about my dsd!

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this.Why would answering questions such as "why do feel you have to impress your family" be rude about your dsd? Confused

Also there is lot of debate about private schooling which again I don't want to engage with because I will clearly not convince those who don't agree with my position. That isn't the point of the thread for me.

Can you clarify what the point of this thread for you is then? What would you like to achieve?

To 'help' you overcome your embarrassment with regards to your dad's schooling you could try to:

  • Accept that people have the right to make their own choices. You can't force your views on what type of school dsd ought to go to. Your dh comes with a dd in tow and her schooling is his choice (wonder what he makes of your embarrassment).

  • Offer your dsd an alternative perspective on things where you feel that is needed. Engage with her, don't judge her.

*talk to your family and tell them to back off as dsd is part of your family now and they will have to stop sniggering and judging as that's akin to bullying IMO.

  • talk to your dh about how you feel and see what his reasons are for sending his dd to private school.

*Learn to be more independent of your family's opinion of you and your new family.

Hth Smile

KatieKaye · 23/05/2014 15:20

How do you feel her school is meeting DSDs needs, putting your own personal views to one side?
If the answer is "very well", then it is pretty irrelevant that another school might meet them equally well because she is happy there and it is part of a legal agreement that her father pays at least part of the fees. How your own family feel about it is their own private business and they should try to be less judgemental and a little more open minded towards DSD

MarianneSolong · 23/05/2014 15:20

Not quite clear about how many people on this thread are step-parents and if so how engaged people are in the step-parenting role.

But the way I see is is that you (Person A) shack up with a partner (Person B.) The two of you may have various differences in terms of politics, religion, social attitudes etc. However it's likely that you have some things in common, because if you disagreed about absolutely everything you probably wouldn't have got as far as moving in together. And you will have the ability to talk about and accommodate difference - otherwise the relationship wouldn't have got that far.

However your partner B was previously with a different person C. Will Person A necessarily have anything in common with C, other than the fact they have both known/know B pretty well. The differences in attitudes are likely to be bigger, and the opportunities to get together and get to know and understand each other's point of view are likely to be small. It probably won't help that B and C have split up, so that C is not likely to be represented to A in a particularly favourable light.

It may also be that a long working hours culture for B has meant that C has played a particular big role in terms of making decisions about the childrens' lives. So A will suddenly find she's spending quite large amounts of time being expected to care for children whose formative years were shaped by someone with a pretty different world view.

Some examples can be quite trivial, but they can trigger raw nerves. For example stepchildren can turn up for the weekend wearing clothes you would never ever in a million miles choose to purchase for any child of your own. Or with possessions that you would never in a million years consider having got yourself. What do you do?

For example my stepdaughter was quite plump at around the time she hit early puberty (about 10). She came round once then dressed in a T-shirt that stretched very tightly across her budding breasts. Across the front of this T-shirt were the words in large letters. 'All This and Brains Too!' I thought it was a really nasty and unsuitable garment. Clearly thought her mother didnt.

When he was about 8 or 9 my stepson was given, as many boys were, a couple of laser guns that were his favourite gift. He asked me to take one of the guns and play with him. Now I was brought up in a pacificist household where none of us were given guns as toys. I was quite reluctant to do as he asked, but judged he was way too young to understand any explanation about why I was reluctant I wasn't even 100% sure that I as an adult did think the laser guns were harmful. But I did know it was really hard - I had to overcome something - if I were agree to play this game. (In the end I did take one of the guns, and took great pleasure in ambushing my stepson and shooting him at point blank range.)

I think it is one of the key things about being a step-parent. You become closely connected to someone who may have been brought up in a very different way, and who will display that difference in little or big ways all the time. And all the time you have to think - what do I do now? What do I say? Something or nothing? What reaction will I get? What are the risks? Can I be authentically myself with a stepchild- on the basis that in the longterm this will mean we may get to like and understand one another? Or do I fake it and do not much more than nod and smile and make polite noises - as one might with a house guest?

One things for sure. It is utterly different to bringing up a child with your partner from birth.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 15:27

op, I think that you have managed the thread very well.

brdgrl, I tend to agree with a lot of your posts.
But it isnt necessary to name call and get upset though. [I am sure you have been told that before]
Can I ask why you do it, when really, your posts stand up by themselves fine already?

snoofle · 23/05/2014 15:29

Jinglets. It is a step parenting issue, because, sometimes, two worlds collide.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 23/05/2014 16:05

snoofle, i appreciate that's your perspective but i stand by mine. and your explanation makes absolutely no sense.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 16:10

Marianne and the T shirt [sounds like a song!] explains it.

Fairenuff · 23/05/2014 16:16

Your game of goading and snark is far more offensive, for the record.

I am just responding to your questions but am more than happy not to engage with you. I have seen from many other posts how you like to have the last word, so have it. I am giving it to you. Enjoy! Smile

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 23/05/2014 16:30

Snoofle, I don't read all the posts because I already know I disagree with some and they keep repeating themselves and argue with others who disagree with their opinions.

Now reading it, nope - still absolutely disagree and still believe this is OPs FAMILY and her issue with their approval that is the real problem. If it wasn't the step daughter, it would be the husband or something else.

Using the example Marianne offers in her last post:

For example my stepdaughter was quite plump at around the time she hit early puberty (about 10). She came round once then dressed in a T-shirt that stretched very tightly across her budding breasts. Across the front of this T-shirt were the words in large letters. 'All This and Brains Too!' I thought it was a really nasty and unsuitable garment. Clearly thought her mother didnt.

I'm curious if that read:

For example my stepdaughter was quite plump at around the time she hit early puberty (about 10). She came round to yet another of my family's gathering dressed in a T-shirt that stretched very tightly across her budding breasts. Across the front of this T-shirt were the words in large letters. 'All This and Brains Too!'

My entire family thought it was a really nasty and unsuitable garment and all the adults gave the child odd looks and were uncomfortable in her presence. I was so embarrassed I just didn't know what to do.
---

It was not the child's fault her mother purchased it for her, that she had outgrown it and her mother didn't buy a new garment, and that she didn't realize the message was sexual and inappropriate.

And I doubt Marianne would make a 10 year old girl feel like shit because her mother put an inappropriate tshirt on her.

Yet the OPs FAMILY is making a girl feel like shit because of the school her parents make her attend.

Fairenuff · 23/05/2014 16:32

OP hopefully, after having had various opinions and advice to mull over, you will find a way to change.

You asked posters to Please talk some sense into me which would indicate that you already knew that you were being unreasonable. Has that happened?

Have you realised now how prejudiced your parents have made you and have you some strategies to deal with that?

snoofle · 23/05/2014 16:39

JInglets, I think we are just disagreeing over words really.
If the child was not a step-child, then the whole thread wouldnt arise, because the op's child would go state and not private

brdgrl and Fairenuff. You two seem to have a backhistory. Time for mumsnet to sort it out.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 16:41

Reading back, I cant see anywhere that Fairenuff has responded rudely to brdgrl.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 23/05/2014 17:27

Snoofle, this entire board is just words that we disagree over. You cannot say "if" the child was not a step child then none of this would happen. If the OP didn't marry her DH, then none of this would happen. If the OP and her DH had more income, her DH might still wish to place their kids into private education. "If" is irrelevant.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 18:02

You've lost me Jinglets.

Thumbwitch · 23/05/2014 18:27

It is a step-parenting issue in that the OP, being a stepmother, has no real say in how her DSD is educated and that way disagrees fundamentally with the ideas OP was brought up with.

However, it ISN'T a step-parenting issue in the way that the OP is embarrassed in front of her family (although personally I still feel she should feel embarrassed for her family's behaviour, not her DSD's!) - that's an issue she needs to deal with for herself.
If the DSD is bragging and being obnoxious about her schooling, then a quiet word about how that's not really the done thing would be advisable - but the OP has refused to answer questions about that.
If the DSD is just talking about how school is, then her family's reaction is ridiculously bigoted and they need to have a word with themselves - but the OP is refusing to expand on that too.

In the end, the OP doesn't want us to talk sense into her - she wants us to agree that the DSD shouldn't be going to a private school when it's against her, and her family's, beliefs. Or so it seems to me.

KatieKaye · 23/05/2014 19:03

it's maybe complicated by the fact that OP regards her parents/siblings etc as her "family" rather than DH and DSD.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 19:04

I thought that she was ok with it, in that she realises she has no say and accepts it.
But her family are not being good about it.

Thumbwitch · 23/05/2014 19:15

But OP is clearly NOT ok with it as she says she is "embarrassed" by her DSD going to a private school. So she hasn't accepted it, really, or she'd have got over herself and realised that she has a) nothing to be embarrassed about in regard to her DSD's schooling, as it's not her choice and b) that she needs to stop being embarrassed by her DSD, unless, as has been stated before, the DSD is bragging, in which case take measures to teach her that bragging is mannerless!
But she won't elaborate so who knows.

Onthedoorstep · 23/05/2014 19:30

Actually I think it would the same if she was Marianne's dsd with the inappropriate shirt in front of my family - I would find that Embarassing too!!!!!!

Yes it is about the step family dynamic and it's VERY reassuring to hear from other people in the same situation just to be able to name that dynamic and why it is the way it is.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 23/05/2014 19:32

So you're just embarrassed by your DSD, is that it? Well that's nice.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 23/05/2014 19:46

Onthedoorstep, the massive difference is how you make the child feel. Shame on you for letting a child feel she's embarrassing you when she has no say in the matter.

snoofle · 23/05/2014 20:05

I didnt realise that posters were so hard on step parents Shock
Surely those posters that have their birth children, or whatever the phrase is, is embarassed by them too?
I sure was sometimes.

And you can be embarrassed but not say anything or whatever, whoever the child is.