Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

Have you changed your mind? Are you now saying that in fact something legal can be inherently wrong?
You seem very confused.

No, I haven't changed my mind.

Your step daughter's mother prioritised her daughter's education in the divorce settlement, there is nothing for your parents to approve of, it is none of their business and does not reflect on you personally.

There are numerous children who resent the fact that their education was sacrificied on the altar of their parents principles.

OP would you send your children to a poor or failing state school purely to win your parents approval?

No, I haven't changed my mind.
Right. OK. You know, a discussion of political values or family relationships is pretty much impossible with a person who thinks that anything legal cannot be wrong.
The mind boggles.

The OP hasn't said that her DD was "showing off", merely that she was talking about subjects she enjoyed, that weren't readily available at state schools. That may or may NOT have = showing off. Chances are, since the OP hasn't clarified, that it was NOT indeed showing off (as if it was, of course she would have got more support in her "embarrassment")

people who consider a child talking about what they do at school to be showing off for the sole reason that the school is fee-paying have some deep-seated problems. Children go to the schools their parents send them to and she may have had little or no choice in the matter. To even suggest that talking about what she does everyday of the week is in any way showing off is just silly. Plus, loads of state schools play hockey - it isn't an elitist sport at all. Seems like this family take their principles and use them to tacitly bully this girl and her stepmother does nothing to protect her from this unpleasantness.
What does the father feel about the way his wife and her family treat his daughter?
The fact is that this girl seems to be very happy at her school and her stepmothers family resent this and do not want her to talk about her activities because it makes them feel bad. So if she was a gifted singer and they all had tin ears, the same principle would apply?
the example of a child spouting off political theories to adults is not the same as a child being belittled by adults for talking about her everyday activities, which are largely the same as any other schoolchild in the country. It's that OPs family use their political stance to make this child feel unwelcome for a reason that she has little say in.
Their attitude could very well give DSD a very negative attitude towards state schools if this is how teachers behave to her in a social setting.

Thank you badgrl and Marianne, you have articulate how I feel very well.

a discussion of political values or family relationships is pretty much impossible with a person who thinks that anything legal cannot be wrong.
The mind boggles.

Again, not my words. I'm sorry that you're confused about this. I did not use the words morally wrong, I was quoting OP's inherently wrong. Different meaning. HTH.

Fairenuff, you aren't clever enough for the semantic game you wish to play. I am, if you'd like to carry on.

You may report me for that of course. Your game of goading and snark is far more offensive, for the record.

brdgrl, I disagree with your high opinion of your posts. They don't come across as clever at all. Just pompous and condescending. But they do well to illustrate the type of environment the OPs family must create for her step daughter.

"How can anything legal be 'inherently wrong'?"

Yeah, that's leapt out at me as well.

Off the top of my head...
Shagging a married man?
Pulling the wings off flies?
Hitting your DC?

Feel free to add your own.

But the school your DSD goes to is nothing to do with you. It is a choice for her parents. You must try to get over your prejudices as best as you can.

And, as the flip side of the coin, if it were one day illegal to pay for schooling, through some quirk of political fate, would that then make private schooling inherently wrong?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep, how is that list inherently wrong?

Inherent: Existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute.

Do you mean moral?

Moral: Concerned with or derived from the code of behaviour that is considered right or acceptable in a particular society:

I have not confused inherent and moral. I have pointed out that the OP's own statement was nonsensical. And her follow-ups equally nonsensical.
To wit:
Fairenuff Thu 22-May-14 21:47:55

Have you changed your mind? Are you now saying that in fact something legal can be inherently wrong?
You seem very confused.

No, I haven't changed my mind.

The meaning of Fairenuff's original claim is not altered by the subsequent "I said inherently, not morally" argument she seems to be trying to make (or rather, that you seem to be making more coherently for her).

My point is that a person who cannot see that something legal cannot be inherently wrong, has an essential inability to discuss morality in a coherent or informed fashion.

I really don't care, jinglets, if you find my posts pompous and condescending. I know that I am neither and I'm not worried about the perception of me by people who are determined to find fault with anyone who dares not to engage in a good round of bash the stepmother.

I have a good track record of supporting the people who post genuinely on this thread. Sick to death of assholes coming on these threads with no idea of offering constructive criticism or emotional support, but only goading and insulting.

I find it quite a reasonable belief - one that's shared by quite a number of people - that actions which perpetuate and increase social inequality and division are inherently wrong. (And when such actions are carried out by parents they are therefore setting a less than good example to children.)

There are aspects of religious moral codes that would support this position. For example the Gospel statement. "And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God," suggest that wealth tends to separate us from 'the kingdom'/Godliness/goodness.

We can still behave well and be good human beings/children of God if we are wealthy - or in an environment of wealth - but it's rather less easy to do so.

Dictionary.com isn't really the best source for delineating the distinction between moral and inherently acceptable. If you'd like I can point you in the direction of some political philosophy on the topic. (Oh look! The mention of ideas and educated thought! I'm being pompous again.)

Lovely post, marianne.

In common usage, 'inherently wrong' encompasses a moral judgement in the 'wrong', yes. An act with the essential characteristic of moral wrongness. We rarely (ever?) use 'inherently wrong' in any other context.

(I will hold my hand up to being shit at philosophy, though)

Hello op, your thread is till going strong. People are posting loads of thoughtful and varying opinions, strange that your posts are so short and superficial. I'm afraid you sound like someone who is either quite young and immature or very self absorbed. Good luck with that attitude.

IMO, you are lucky to have a dsd, don't fuck it up by being petty and jealous. This will not only tarnish your relationship with the dsd but ultimately also you relationship with your dh.

Flick that chip off your shoulder and try seeing your family I a holistic and inclusive way. It is blended, it is complex, you do have the unique opportunity to offer your dsd an alternative perspective on life as she may know it. Do it gently and, if you are able to, lovingly.

Is she allowed to openly challenge her DSD’s comments about school? I think that she is, actually, given the age of the child

but, if I'm not mistaken, we don't know the age of the child as all the OP has said is that she's a teenager - that could mean 13 or 18 and they are not the same at all - the maturity of the DSD matters as well. I agree that if she comes out with something blatantly elitist that needs to be queried, but discussing the fact that she plays hockey and studies Ancient Greek (which, as others have said, are subjects on offer at some state schools, though clearly none that are known to the OP's family) is hardly elitist.

The problem with this thread is that the OP has actually provided very little information at all, and hasn't answered the questions that people have put to her. We are all guilty of making suppositions, it's just that some, by pure chance, may be more accurate than others. It's very frustrating when posters start a thread which they then don't engage with.

Bit much Famous

Not at all fumblin.

"I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL. Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me."

People have tried talking sense into her but op is not all engaging with any of the posts. She is the one who is a 'bit much' by saying that this is a massive issue for her and that she doesn't know how to handle it at all.

Lots of posters have given their view on this yet there is not the smallest hint from op's posts whether any 'sense has been talked into her' or not or what her views on some of the posts are.

Why does op bother posting at all if she just repeats her view with not much context or background at all?

I think that either she just wanted to vent with no intention of solving this issue for her and her family, cannot or will not consider alternative views or she is shit stirring.

Maybe the venom has made her nervous?

I have said thank you to lots of posters.

I do think many of the posters don't understand the step family dynamic which ain't something I want to evangelise about. ("Do you love your DSD?")

Also there is lot of debate about private schooling which again I don't want to engage with because I will clearly not convince those who don't agree with my position. That isn't the point of the thread for me.

A lot of the questions I don't want to answer because I don't want to seem rude about my dsd! There is also a lot of personal name calling which is not very helpful really.

Thanks to those who have offered support particularly from their own experience. :)