Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

It's not the fact she is a step-parent that is getting the critical comments, but the fact OP clearly sides with her "family" against DSD, does not urge them to make the child welcome

Anyone who allows this sort of nasty, snobbish treatment to a young person is probably not going to get a whole lot of back-patting.

To be fair to the OP - she has never said she has made her DSD feel embarrassed - it is more about her overall feelings and impressions.

She can be embarrassed by her DSD, my DCs embarrass me constantly but they are mine.

This is more about OPs family and how they are making her feel.

Where does she side with her family against DSD. I must have missed that bit?

brdgrl and Fairenuff. You two seem to have a backhistory

No history. As far as I can remember I have only engaged with brdgrl on one other thread and she was sarcastic towards me and increasingly rude and angry towards others. I have read some of her other posts but not responded to them.

OP describes her family's response as "awkward silence". That's awkward silence when a child tries to have conversations with her adult family of teachers. (And adds if they were really comfortable with the DSD, they'd be taking the piss. )

She's not just embarrassed internally. She's allowing her step daughter to be treated like crap by her family.

That is very different.

And yes, it's clear from her posts she doesn't consider her step daughter and husband as her immediate family

I am trying to decide if an awkward silence is the same as "allowing her step daughter to be treated like crap by her family"
Depends if the dsd has noticed, I think.
I somehow get the impression that she has not noticed, but I could be wrong.

I think this silent treatment is definitely the family treating DSD like crap.

Isn't it normal, when in a family gathering, to say things like "Oh, DSD has joined the school debating team and she's really enjoying it."

Or for DSD to say "we're learning about Plato in school."

And for the other adults to actually pick up these bits of information and use them in conversation with the young person who has joined their family and to learn a bit more about her?

But the OP has made it clear there are "awkward silences" when DSD talks about what she's doing at school and that her family then change the subject. In her defence, this is preferable to their normal habit of "taking the piss", which they have refrained from doing thus far. But they do not engage in conversation with DSD about topics she is interested in/can readily talk about with a group of hostile adults. And OP has given no information that she has made any effort to get her family to behave in a civilised manner to DSD. No she's not concerned about DSDs feelings but about her own embarrassment about the fact DSD goes to private school.

I wonder what her DH makes of his in-laws nasty behaviour. they really do sound rather charmless, more concerned with political theory rather than trying to put a young person at her ease or to make her feel a welcome member of their family.Does she ever talk to her father about how hostile her step-mother's relatives are to her? Or does she wait until she gets home to her mum?

I think this silent treatment is definitely the family treating DSD like crap.

Isn't it normal, when in a family gathering, to say things like "Oh, DSD has joined the school debating team and she's really enjoying it."

Or for DSD to say "we're learning about Plato in school."

And for the other adults to actually pick up these bits of information and use them in conversation with the young person who has joined their family and to learn a bit more about her?

But the OP has made it clear there are "awkward silences" when DSD talks about what she's doing at school and that her family then change the subject. In her defence, this is preferable to their normal habit of "taking the piss", which they have refrained from doing thus far. But they do not engage in conversation with DSD about topics she is interested in/can readily talk about with a group of hostile adults. And OP has given no information that she has made any effort to get her family to behave in a civilised manner to DSD. No she's not concerned about DSDs feelings but about her own embarrassment about the fact DSD goes to private school.

I wonder what her DH makes of his in-laws nasty behaviour. they really do sound rather charmless, more concerned with political theory rather than trying to put a young person at her ease or to make her feel a welcome member of their family.Does she ever talk to her father about how hostile her step-mother's relatives are to her? Or does she wait until she gets home to her mum?

I agree. Mumsnet should absolutely sort it out. They should stop tolerating the low-caliber bullying and nastiness that is permitted to stand towards stepmothers. The bullying which has driven many, many posters off these boards. Women (and some men) who come on asking for a bit of help and advice, and get character assassination instead.
I think every person who posts in good faith on these threads knows exactly why I am angry. That's good enough for me.

I agree brdgrl, too many people bring their own bitterness to step parent problems.

I agree also brdgrl. Every person's experience is unique to them, but unfortunately the bullies on this site think they know everything when it comes to step parenting.

A step mother is in the wrong whatever! Wrong if she doesn't take the child's needs into consideration and put them first- wrong if she and the child love each other. Terribly wrong if has the audacity to do things alone with the child! She is supposed to be the unpaid housekeeper who stays firmly in her place and doesn't offer opinions or discipline.

Oh - and I forgot- the step parents extended family are not supposed to be involved in any way!

Well, this step-family is certainly doing all the right things to make sure DSD will not want to spend any time with them once she has a choice in the matter. Who would want to spend time with a group of people who treat you as some sort of pariah and pointedly change the subject whenever possible? But hey, this can be justified because at least they aren't taking the piss out of her. It just proves that it is not just th pupils who are school bullies.

Remove "step-parent" from the equation, and you have a child, in the care of an adult, who is experiencing hostility (at the very least) from other adults and OP is not only doing nothing to deal with their negative attitude but believes it (and their treatment of the child) is entirely justified because of their principles.

DSD has done nothing wrong. Her "crime" is to enjoy her private school and to be enthusiastic about her education and to dare to talk about what she is learning.

Got 4 stepchildren and treat them just the same as my own but I do accept choices about education etc are for DP and his ex- wife. I just try to support the kids. FWIW two of DSC live in an area with the best free grammar schools in the country but their mother chose not to let them sit the entrance exam! My DD was lucky enough to get a part scholarship to a small independent school and I worked hard to pay the balance of the fees. She grew up to be a polite well spoken young woman and God forbid she studied Latin and played lacrosse!. I believe it is all about choice and if people earn enough money they should be able to spend it as they wish. My parents had low paid jobs in textile mills but were totally supportive of DD.

I still can't see the problem here- smile, nod, ignore and change the subject. School choices are nothing to do with extended family, even if they are blood relations.

well, I am not a stepmother so I'm not looking at it from that point of view, I am simply stating that no-one has the right to find anything I might say about my schooling embarrassing, as long as I'm polite about it, simply because my parents considered the options and decided on private for me and my sister. And in fact no-one I know would, regardless of their own views on education, because they're adults who know how to behave in company. My best friend is extremely anti-private schooling but she would never dream of making any kind of personal comment about my parents' choices, or indeed mine as a parent, should I ever choose to go down that route.

I don't know whether the OP considers her birth family to be 'more' family that her DH or DSD, but I can see that she doesn't seem to be prepared to accept that she and her birth family might be behaving badly in this situation, or indeed that merely because she was brought up with one point of view, that she has to have that point of view herself - I certainly don't agree with every view my mum holds. Which is why I have asked, repeatedly now, how old the OP (and her DSD as well) is - but again, she's not answering, which makes any kind of debate pretty difficult.

DH and I chose our DCs schools. I didn't ask my parents, siblings etc what they thought and I have no interest in what they thought. I can hardly see why if we got divorced I would be remotely interested in what his new partners family thought! Taking it out on the child is just cruel and unfair.
Smile, nod and ignore. If you feel the need to comment say 'really'.

Genuinely shocked. What a message to send. You're a teacher, surely you know how to engage with children?

I can't see any grounds or even rationale for being critical of a child's enthusiasm for an academic subject or a sport. I would also say as a teacher, I would find it unprofessional.

Greek and hockey are both available in our local state school for those interested, I checked. So if she enjoyed these subjects at a state school, would you still be embarrassed? This reads like prejudice against private education for sake of it, which will, undoubtedly embarrass your stepdaughter. What have you got to gain by alienating her like this?

Be proud of her as an individual and support her enthusiasm, birth mother or not.

I get the fact that it is embarrassing. My own son goes to a grammar school and I find that embarrassing and rarely admit to it in real like. I hope I would not let that embarrassment show to the child, just as I haven't to my son.

OP does your dh know that you feel this way?

OP, I have been the dsd in this situation. My SM is extremely anti private school and again it was something that was agreed in my parents divorce settlement. I wouldn't have had a problem with her beliefs except for the way she dealt with it and me.

The way in which she dealt with it was to complain constantly to my father about it and how I was so spoilt/snobby/looked down on others etc (which I don't believe I did). She always felt threatened by it and imagined that I looked down on her because she was not well educated. That was not the case, I tried hard to be friends with her initially but after her constant reverse snobbery and accusing me (to my father who then accused me) of various imagined slights it got to the stage where we no longer speak - not because I was at private school but because she is an unpleasant person. I no longer have any contact with my father either as he supported her over me every time.

So OP I would say for your dsd's sake - please don't let this affect your relationship with your dsd and her's with her dad. The decision to send her to private school is nothing to do with you and is not her fault. Of course if she acts in an unpleasant way then your dh should speak to her about it but please don't approach it with the preconception that the fact she's gone to private school means that if she's talking about school she's automatically doing it to denigrate anyone else/be superior etc.

I don't see why you 'can't have a debate' if I don't tell you my age. I'm in my forties.

I think the embarrassment is that she IS perceived as my child, so those decisions are seen as my responsibility. And I think they are wrong decisions and want to distance myself from them. Like the tee-shirt... But I have no way of making that clear.

I have been surprised at the level of venom towards stepmothers but I know it is part of the deal.