advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

[mymiraclebubba]

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

omg is this still going!! please note that if you dont agree with the op and think she should mind her own buisness leave now . just a matter of interest how long has she been with dp???

Op please listen to what people are saying. Step mums on here normally stick together like glue as they get such a tough ride at times.

If fellow step mums are telling you that you are over stepping then please listen to them.

Can you imagine how you would feel a few years down the line if your partner was with someone else? How would you feel if that woman started dictating the conditions under which your child would and would not be returned to you?

If someone suggested for even a second that they might not return my children to me, they would never see them again.

More like what the Mum should do about OP. Threatening not to return children, I'd be reporting to police for threats and would not be handing them over again till the threat is withdrawn. If I was on the receiving end of this I'd be in court saying I did not want my children involved with you in any way whatsoever.

Yes Lunar and Viv, exactly.

If my ex and any future Gf decided that they were not having my DCs to stay one week and then threatened not to return them to me the next, I'd be the one stopping contact as they would evidently be unstable and not fit to look after my DCs.

trust me if the op took my ds and told me she wasn't going to return him shed have more to worry about than not seeing him again. how dare you threaten to take someones child away from her!!!! what gives you the right?? I wonder if the mum has told you she hasnt because you are a nasty interfering bitch. texting a ten year old omg!!!! you need to grow up and back the fuck off

Leaving all other issues aside, if you're really that troubled about nit infestations there are companies that can treat them using a weird hairdryer crossed with a comb, which sucks out all the nits and the lice. If you have them for a week, then you can book them in for two spaced sessions, and the nits will go. They'll probably need to be fine combed every other day while at yours in the months thereafter as they'll get reinfested at school, but you will be able to keep on top of it, doing that. It's an eyewateringly expensive option, but if it's truly dominating your life to such an extent (and if you're that worried about your baby) then it's an option.

As for reporting for neglect... problem is, you can't prove you aren't the ones neglecting. And if he mother starts denying contact, and you have CAFCASS involved, and you talk to them as you do here, there may end up being a S7 saying you are incapable of a constructive co-parenting relationship and recommending primary residence to mum. Be careful what you wish for, basically, because you have no guarantee whatsoever that CAFCASS and a judge won't see this very much as most of the posters here do.

The bottom line is that every single time you get into a paddy over the ex, you harm the kids. This passive aggressive cold war you seem intent on waging is one of the most neglectful and abusive things parents can ever do to their kids.

I've had 6 step-parents in total, by the way. The one all of us liked most refused point blank to take my baby bros to buy school uniform when Dad couldn't, because she said he had a moral obligation to make arrangements with their mother both found appropriate, and she wouldn't tread on any toes. She'd only do it if their mother couldn't herself, and wanted her to. This was in a hostile situation - but she had her line in the sand, for the sake of the kids, and stuck to it. And over time, their mother ended up having no problem with her, and respecting the positive part she played in the boys' lives, because it was so very transparently the sole concern. There's a reason all of us adult stepkids bloody adore her. You might want to think about that. The best way to support them is to recognise that undermining their mum by acting as if you are her equal in their lives creates conflict, which can only hurt them.

Sorry, 5 step parents. My father has been married 4 times, so I added 2 step fathers to that figure - obviously my Mum isn't my step!

How are ex's new DP's children looked after. Surely if there is a houseful of badly cared for DCs then someone has said something, the new DP's ex for example.

Go to the school and say DSS is being bullied about his nits and what can they do? OR rather get DP to go.
Surely they might approach DSM.