advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

[mymiraclebubba]

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

If the HV thought it was a case of serious neglect she'd be reporting it regardless of the whys and wherefores and who said what. No HV would hold off reporting a case of serious neglect.

i couldn't give a toss about his ex, my concern is the welfare of the kids
You lose all credibility now.

the HV will only report if i 'officially' report my concerns opposed to seeking advice - her words to me today

and brd how do i lose credibility?? I don't care about his ex or trying to score points or hurt her - if i did i wouldn't be trying to weigh up whether to report ss or give her yet another chance to actually look after kids i would just do it.

I care about whether the kids are being looked after properly and imo they are not but that doesn't mean i want to go wading in with SS if there is a chance that by talking to her and explaining that hv sees her refusal as neglect and advises getting ss involved she may come around and actually starting helping us to deal with the issues

Why is everyone being so mean to the poor OP?!
I saw original post before anyone starts on!
She's clearly just trying to do what's best for her dd and the dsc!
Saying that she doesn't have an opinion because they are her dps children is total bollocks!!
I think you should do for option 3 OP, not because you have anything to be ashamed off, just because you'll save yourself a lot of hassle from ex, and children will be none the wiser :) x

Finally someone who actually answers the original question instead of bashing me and do!!!! Thank you racehorse

Your reasons for option 3 are also where we are kinda wavering but I can't decide if trying to talk to her and "support" her may end up being seen as threatening her etc

Just consider the possibility that the children would be better off if you took a different approach.

You say that you are helping your DP raise the children - but actually, when you think about it, at best your DP is helping his ex raise the children, and you are helping him to help her.

You continue to use language which suggests that you are forcing yourself into a three-way parenting relationship, clearly against the wishes of the children's mother, and that is probably contributing to the problem here. Maybe think about how it might help your boyfriend's children to allow their parents to deal with the issues of childcare, health care, etc. If there is conflict around the kids' health and hygiene, then it would be advisable for your boyfriend to be the one taking his children to the doctor, or discussing their care with health visitors. Not you, while these are active issues. That's only common sense, unless you want to inflame the situation.

You've made it very clear that you don't like the ex, and said that she makes your life more difficult, so it is pointless to pretend there is no animosity there. Of course that doesn't mean that you might not ALSO have concerns about the children. But I have to say, it appears that you are more concerned than the health visitor or GP OR the kids' own father. You are ignoring the fact that if the kids are truly being neglected, there are other options open to you - like your DP taking them back to the doctor. You are constructing scenarios where your own child is "at risk", which exaggerates the danger posed to her, and have ignored suggestions about other ways to reduce that risk.

HV didn't even see the kids, did she?

Seeing as how all you seem interested in is bashing me I have no intention of engaging with you any further brdgrl you have at no point contributed anything related to what I actually asked, instead choosing to address your own agenda.

On the contrary, I have answered your question and given what was actually quite sincere advice.
Your question, by the way was If it was you guys what would you do?
I have told you what I'd do.
But you didn't really want the answer.

I am very curious, though, about what you think my "agenda" could possibly be. Please do tell.

what brdgrl says, she makes some good points.

Well OP I don't know what I'd do if I was you. But I do know what I'd do if I was the children's mother. I'd make sure you had as little contact with my children as possible and would be going to court to ask for an order to stop you harrassing me.

Harassment? Was this on another thread?

Sorry I mean was the stuff about harassing the mum on another thread. Doesn't seem clear reading my post back!

We are biding time with a lot of it as I have told dp that if the neglect carries on I will refuse to send them home and will contact ss etc to get custody so don't wanna be seem to be rocking boat over not taking them Home when dd is asleep if that makes sense

From the other thread.

What you should do next re your dps exw, is back the hell off.

I doubt you will though, poor EXW and Poor DSCs.

I cannot believe the number of you advocating neglect and abuse

God help you dsc's nd dc's quite frankly

If reporting your DSC mum means that the abuse is addressed by professionals, then surely that is the priority?

If she stops contact because you reported it, then that is more evidence of abuse and can be dealt with through the courts.

However, I think you've been misinformed; I've raised my concerns about my DSC mum several times, and have always been given the option of remaining anonymous. I also think that you have been misled. Unless the infection/infestation is so severe/unmanaged that it is clearly noticeable to the school, then SS are unlikely to do anything other than make a file note. Their mum won't even be spoken to.
What do you hope a SS report will achieve? Is it part of a long term strategy to help the DCs, or do you expect immediate action?

Are they boys.. can't your bloke just shave their heads? Problem solved.

If you think that it is severe enough to report then report it. Your partner doesn't have his children often enough to treat these things in his time.

If the ex stops contact then your partner will have to be prepared to go to court, unless the abuse is only important enough to matter if reporting it doesn't effect you in any way.

What brdgirl said, every word.

If you do go with option 3, keep in mind SS might not class this as neglect, and they might decide it is completely acceptable - then what? Kids still have nits and fungal infection - surely there must be way for other relatives/school to be involved and assist her in doing what most people would do in that situation.

Our school would send home notes to parents about nits, and fungal infection (if very painful) might warrent a trip to school nurse because child is complaining of being in pain... is your DH able to contact the school with his concerns, to see if they can assist in supporting his idea of treatment?

Frog - you don't need to comb her hair tinsel the lice they are visible from about 2ft away which is how far the gp was when we took her to see them to ask what to do as she came to us at Xmas riddled with impetigo which Dm failed to tell us about choosing to describe it as eczema wheb the Dr apparently had clearly told her it was impetigo and highly infectious. And the hv has told us reporting anonymously us the best way to get them help via social services but our dilemma is do we try one last attempt to talk to exw and explain that our concerns are this severe and discussion with hv has led to suggestions of SS or down just go ahead and report.

Lunar - If she stops contact we will have to find the money from somewhere to fight her in court but in the interim who will be there to help the kids?!

This is completely about what gets the kids the best support

Jenny - he has contacted the school nurse and we are waiting for her to call back to arrange a meeting but the hv fears that it will be same as officially talking to her, she will be forced to report to SS

Actually, a severe untreated headlice infestation WILL be seen as a sign of neglect by SS. Just to throw that out there. I know this for a fact.

Couthymow - thank you! The hv was the one who described it as neglect - not because they have nits but because she repeatedly refuses to deal with them and whilst we do everything we can we quite simply don't have them often enough to be effective

couthy am I right in thinking that in order to be severe enough to be considered neglect, the school and childcarers will have noticed and raised concerns?