advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

[mymiraclebubba]

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

I find this hard to fathom. The midwife is either crap or humouring you. She has to report a case of neglect- it's irrelevant whether you want her to or not or how you want to report it. It's not your decision to make.

The school need not have previously raised concerns, but may well verify to SS that yes, these DC's have untreated nits, or a long term infestation, though they may not be aware of the fungal infection.

Btw OP - there are bit treatments you can use once a baby is 6mo - can't remember which, but had to with DS3 once when DS1 brought home nits from his dad and SM's. Try the pharmacy. Think it MIGHT be Hedrin Once, as there's no chemicals in it, it just suffocates the nits. Tbh it works better than the ones with chemicals in. You get a midweek every week? For the severe infestation, treat on the midweek contact two weeks in a row for your DSC. Job done.

Fungal infection a bit harder - how old are the DSC's? Over 7 they should be able to manage to put an anti-fungal cream on themselves, just give it to them to take home, and keep a spare tube at yours in case they forget to bring it. Under 7 will be harder to do.

Though I HAVE been the resident parent where a SM has tried to muscle in on the care of my DS1, when in actual fact any issues were ONLY between me and my Ex. Didn't see the need for her to try to get SO involved - they weren't HER DC's, they have two parents only - me and my Ex. Had no issue with her if she was keeping her nose out and letting my Ex deal with any Childcare issues that arose, but she didn't, and it caused HUGE problems as far as I was concerned.

It doesn't matter whether YOU have different opinions of how involved a SM should be - you don't have PR, only your DP and his Ex do. You may need to step back a little - it's not your job to do the work wrt dealing with his Ex over issues, EVER. It's your DP's job. Obviously your DP's Ex feels the same on that as I do...

I have sent you a pm op!

Oh, and if you have these concerns, and think that your DP's ex might contact block (she sounds like a bloody delight for your DP to deal with...!) then report to SS anonymously, rather than anyone else. Just IMO.

Wow.... Some posters with an agenda here. Birth mum can do no wrong while step parent is evil

I would report issues....safeguarding is every bodies business and it is extremely dangerous and depressing to hear people advocating otherwise. Who cares if she's done it with the wrong motivation- it's clearly a major issue where the kids healthcare needs are not being met by a parent.

DSD had chronic nits and mosiac verrucas. The nits became soo bad you could see them crawling on her face, her face red raw with scratching. Her mum didnt treat them.
She also had 9 teeth rotten removed under general at 6.

We took advice and were told the neglect was not bad enough and did not report her mother. We were also told if we did report we would seen as hassling a struggling single mum.

So when DSD's mum made our life and DSD's life hell by making a string of false allegations against DP, no record had been raised with SS of the previous neglect.

Maybe we should have reported if only so the incidents were logged.

Why is your DP allowing his children to be neglected so badly?
He is just as much as fault as his Ex wife.

Couthymow - trust me I don't discuss any of it with her! All contact goes via dp as whilst I do see it as my role to help protect the kids I don't see my role as dealing with his ex that is entirely his issue!!!! But I do kick him to discuss it with her! We do treat on every contact visit however as she isn't keeping it up or treating herself, her dp and his kids who live with them and doesn't change the bedding when dp tells het they still have livenits they are getting nowhere

And yes other people have noticed and tried to talk to her, ddmil spent weeks trying total to exw and my parents who were babysitting went mad when they went to brush dad's hair and about 20 lice dropped ont her top and when we called round to drop treatment stuff off mum helped me go through dsc's hair and was disgusted by the number of lice there.

The stopping contacts why hv feels reporting anonymously is the best way to go I think

Fedup I know brilliant isn't it - vilified for caring and if I did nothing I would be an evil bitch sm still. I can't bloody win!!!

Unfortunately my DS1's SM was an abusive bitch, who thankfully my Ex has finally extricated himself from - she is about to lose custody of her birth DC's because she IS actually abusive.

However - I'm not against ALL SM's - DD's SM is a bloody ANGEL. She's never stepped on my toes, yet is there to listen when DD is being difficult, has gone out of her way for DD repeatedly, and is an all round bloody STAR.

But she has never reported me to SS, or told me that I'm not allowed to speak to my Ex about DD (which DS1's SM did, she insisted that all communication about DS1 went through HER), or tried to attend parents evenings (DS1's SM wouldn't 'allow' his dad to attend DS1's parents evenings without her), or threatened to stab me over me not giving her a bottle of headlice lotion (which DS1's SM did, she wanted me to pay to treat HER child when he was the one that was causing DS1's repeated infestations - she wouldn't treat HER son unless I paid for the lotion!), she's never threatened to punch me at a sports day (Which DS1's SM did because at the picnic lunch, DS1 wanted to sit with both me AND his dad, so we suggested setting up the picnic blankets next to each other, she went nuts and refused and then threatened to punch me if I didn't let DS1 sit with them for the whole picnic lunch) she's never stopped contact by telling DD's dad not to see her, which DS1's SM did, and most of all, she's never hurt DD, unlike DS1's SM. Who he thankfully has no need to contact any more now that his dad has finally left her.

Instead she has been a helpful, listening ear, communicates well with me, knows when to step back and allow my Ex to deal with a situation, has been there as a friend to DD when DD has needed it, and the same to me, I wish DD's SM had been MY SM, she's so wonderful!

Not all SM's are lovely, just as not all mum's are lovely (I HATE HATE HATE the term 'birth mum' unless used in conjunction with ADOPTION.) I am my DC's MUM, not 'birth mum'. I always have been, always will be.

Why do SOME SM's try to take away that a Mum's title is Mum?!

You have a Mum and a SM, don't try to change that to anything else, THAT'S what pisses off a lot of Mum's that have to cope with less than perfect SM's - and using a term like 'broth mum' to describe a MUM is just one sign that a SM IS trying to redefine the Mum's relationship with their DC's. Which could be a good indicator of WHY you may not get along with your DSC's Mum...

Arf at 'broth mum' typo. Should say the hated phrase 'birth mum'. THAT is guaranteed to get most Mum's backs up.

And BTW - I was a SM myself for quite a few years, and am still in contact with my DSC's 5 years after the end of that relationship.

Its laughable how some respond to these matters.
Imagine it was other way round and stepmum was being neglectful. We would be hearing ' irresponsible, stop contact until she does treat them , blah blah.
Well done for caring OP. Just because she gave birth to them does not mean she is an angel and can not be questioned.
I do think their dad should step up and be more forceful etc. she can not stop contact on a whim!

I don't want to debate whether people think I am being a bitch or dp doesn't parent his kids etc, I want to know ofother ppeople had their hv tell them they should be reporting their share/dp's exw to SS would they do it

Unsure why you are asking for people's opinions when you seem to be fixed in defending your position so strongly. I think you may be over reacting to the problem of nits, and fixated that your DSCs are being neglected because of what your HV said.

Yes its one professional's opinion. It doesn't have to be something you take any action on. IMO, and if it were me I would:

1. definitely NOT report their DM for neglect;
2. strongly influence your DP to take more control of interactions with his ex - this seems to be the root cause of the whole care situation
3. Back off, and stop over- investing and trying to be the go-between.

If the nits problem is not affecting your own DD then thats your priority, beyond that unfortunately your DP ought to take the burden of care of his DCs when at your family home. If he cant do that it could mean they ned to remain at their DMs. Thats a decision their parents should make.

Reporting the DM isnt going to solve the problem, it would add to the problem.

Wow Couthymow that is awful!!! I hope your ds has recovered and is now ok!!!

When I have no choice but to deal with their Dm I am polite and friendly and tbh I would prefer us to be friendly as it is far better for the kids if we can all get along. At the start of me noticing how severe the infestation was I did mention it to her in terms of "god I don't envy you having to come through every day it takes hours to to do dsd hair as it's so long" etc but unfortunately it has done nothing to get her to wake up

Dp hates the fact that as much as he has tried to do stuff and get her to wake up he cannot force her and the last thing he wants is to take their kids away from her. She is their mum and I have no want or desire to replace her. I am here as their friend and confidant and where dss has been bullied at school that works great as he won't talk to Dm or df but he will come and talk to me. He texts me when he is at dms if he is upset and we chat til he feels better about it and then i tell dp for him to pass on to Dm etc

However that doesn't give her the right to neglect the kids!

As for giving dss cream, the infection is too severe. He has to have the top layer of nail filed off and then a very strong chemical painted on. The gp was shocked with the state of it and had to seek permission to use this treatment as it isn't supposed to be used on kids

OP just one thing...
Record via voice recorder, email or text the mother threatening to stop contact. That would be useful when it comes to court.

If protecting your DD is you primary motivation - then surely the best outcome for you is that contact stops?
It's not as if SS can change mums behaviour - it's likely that your DSC will suffer low level neglect throughout their lives, and that will always have a detrimental effect in your home.

There comes a time where you have to put your DD first, be the wicked SM, and stop acting on your DPs behalf to secure contact with his DCs that put yours at risk.

Frog he is aware of that! I have told him that the secondshe gets them that will bbe it end of them coming here and he can take them to his dad's for contact!

And btw I am not for a moment saying you are an evil WSM, of course not, but as owl correctly asks upthread why is your DP not taking stronger action??

If he isnt doing anything to sort out this whole situation, he is The Weakest Link! Its all about where the moral responsibility lies, and frustrating though it may be, you are not in the position to solve the problem single handed, when by your own account, neither of the parents are getting to grips with their problem!

This is a strange thread to read.

OP, you seem to congratulate the posters who agree with you and chastise those who don't....which isn't really the point in seeking advice, surely?

From your previous posts, there is a bit of an agenda here re gaining custody, whether you choose to admit it to yourself or not.

No-one here can really judge if this is neglect or not, as we are only hearing one side of the story, as was the health visitor.

If you genuinely believe that the children are being neglected, then of course you should report it, and then professionals, who will be able to see both sides of the story, can make an informed judgement about the matter. This judgement of course might not be the one you have come to.

Hmm you would stop contact with your babies half siblings because of nits??

My opinion has just changed.

I NEVER even contemplated stopping DSD seeing DD. IMO you need to sort your priorities out.

Nits are easy to treat when a child lives with you full time.

If you genuinely feel there is neglect then you must act on that.

I couldn't bare to have a little baby in the house with two dc riddled with lice every week. Poor things. It's gone on for long enough they need sorting. Awful for them to be constantly riddled.

Eleanor I know they are but dp is nrp and Dm refuses to treat

You have them often enough to treat them yourselves and stay on top it. You may never get rid of them but they will be minimised.

If you decide to stop contact for your dp's children in his home he might leave you. I couldn't be with someone that put barriers or conditions on my relationship with my children.

Then your dd will be going to his for contact with her dad and half siblings.

Sorry, pressed post too early. I know how hard it is in the NRPs household - I spent hours combing out dsd's nits. We stayed on top of them and she was coming every third weekend.

Peacesword is right.
DSD is/was with us EOW and be managed to treat her nits when she was with us.

We managed them for a long time rather than getting rid.

Only when DSD was with us for 3 weeks were we finally able to get rid for good.

DD was between 1 and 3 when DSD was infested.
Only once did DD catch them from DSD, the little bastards were dead very quickly nits not kids

They are horrid to think about and deal with but that's parenting.
When they go to school you cant control who they hug catch nits off

To this day we are armed with NittyGritty, TeaTree Oil Shampoo and conditioner and Neem Oil even though they have not had nits in years.