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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

158 replies

mymiraclebubba · 26/02/2014 23:24

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

  1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
  2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
  3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
  4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

OP posts:
walterwhiteswife · 27/02/2014 12:05

and he is not your dss. you are just his dads girlfriend.

Only1scoop · 27/02/2014 12:09

The lice situation sounds terrible....scratching til they are raw etc is awful.
Your oh needs to get on the case though. As others have said he is their dad. No parent should be letting their child suffer like that continually.

TetrisBlock · 27/02/2014 12:15

I agree with others. Sometimes nits are persistent, it's not a SS concern. The HV is not allowed to pooh pooh your concerns if you go to her with them, she will just advise you to report if you are worried or that she will on your behalf if you ask her to. If she had serious professional concerns then she would have already reported as she is duty bound to so it doesn't sound as if she is overly worried tbh.

Rooners · 27/02/2014 12:20

Report to anyone - just report it. the family needs support and the children deserve intervention.

You are on the right track OP - can't believe the bollocking some people are giving you. Headlice when untreated is a red flag for social services.

Only1scoop · 27/02/2014 12:24

I agree if those children are consistently lousy someone should intervene to get it sorted.

Yes kids may occasionally get nits but this sounds dreadful

Peacesword · 27/02/2014 12:25

I agree that stopping contact because of nits is a complete over-reaction.
In fact it makes their Dad and you as bad as their mum. You would wash your hands of them and leave them to the sole care of someone whose parenting you think isnt that great.

Do you honestly mean that? Or is it your frustration talking?

EggInABap · 27/02/2014 12:27

I can't really understand why you are getting such a hard time either but it appears there is a backstory that some posters are familiar with??!!??

If I were your DP in this situation I would tell the DC's mum that I am having the children for the next few weeks in order to clear up the nits and infection. There would be no discussion on this, if she isn't willing to do it then he needs to step up. He has PR and needs to take the responsibility. Their health is priority and comes first above everything else.

If she doesn't like it, tough. If she threatens no contact, DP should take it to court and get contact sorted. Then she can't hold you hostage with her threats.

If I were YOU in this situation I wouldn't report anything, but would continue to do what you are doing and supporting your DP and his children. I'm astonished that you are being attacked for having a good relationship with your DSS where he can text and confide in you. I had and continue to have a similar relationship with my own step dad, I get on better with him than I do my own parents. Probably because he has always stayed impartial and just listened. I think it would be best for you to do the same.

I think in your frustration, which is understandable, you have perhaps worded some of this in the wrong way. But I feel your intentions are good from what I can see. It also appears there are alot of bitter bitter people on this thread Shock

Rooners · 27/02/2014 12:28

'Sometimes nits are persistent, it's not a SS concern.'

This is untrue. Depending on other factors of course.

mymiraclebubba · 27/02/2014 12:29

Peacesword mostly frustration and in part to trying get exw to take some action but I don't know

OP posts:
Peacesword · 27/02/2014 12:32

I agree that stopping contact because of nits is a complete over-reaction.
In fact it makes their Dad and you as bad as their mum. You would wash your hands of them and leave them to the sole care of someone whose parenting you think isnt that great.

Do you honestly mean that? Or is it your frustration talking?

Anonymai · 27/02/2014 12:36

I don't understand this thread. If a mum had posted that she couldn't be arsed dealing with nits and was just hoping they'd go away as the kids got older, she would be dived on. But when she's talked about by a stepmum who wants to treat the nits, she's excused in every possible way and the stepmum is awful for wanting to help.

Bonkers!

russianfudge · 27/02/2014 12:36

My advice; If you feel this in genuine neglect then get off of Mumsnet (sorry mumsnet) and report it to social services like any of us would report any serious concerns of neglect of any children. Of course you can do it anonymously.

If there is neglect then by reporting it now you are not only helping to protect the children involved, but also your own children who will be raised next to these (potentially) damaged step children. If there is serious neglect, it will only get worse as the children get older. You can't seriously be considering denying the children contact with their dad in his home because they have nits Shock

Your DP can't let the fear of no contact loom over you. Been there, done that, again, it will only get worse and where do you draw the line? Soon enough it will be the children who are old enough to vote with their feet and then what?

I am wondering (as there have been a few of these piratemum type threads recently) what it is about these men that make them so incompetent of parenting their own children. So they work long hours? Fine. So do I. So does my DD's dad. So does my husband. People have done for centuries. Then what about single parents. How do you think they manage without a live in unpaid au pair stepparent in situ?

OP, your DP is allowing you to get all upset and stressed (with a new baby) about the parenting of his children which him and his ex should be doing.

So, from a concerned bystander's point of view - report it. Then do what you should be doing in your step parent role... support the children and your husband. if you think things are wrong and you are losing respect for your husband because he is allowing his children to be neglected then quiz him on it by all means. Then support him in his actions to protect his children. Or standby while he does sweet fuck all. Or leave.

Has he done any research in to nits and treatment there of? Has he taken them to the doctors about the nails?

Is his contact court ordered? If not, can he make a doctors appointment and take them out of school to attend it? If he does it around a lunchtime he would have enough time to use the opportunity to comb their heads as a top up to what he would have already done during contact earlier in the week.

As a slight aside, my DD had nits two years ago (Year 1) and the buggers just wouldn't go away. I was mortified to have to send her to her dad's EOW and sheepishly telling him and his wife that yes, she still has nits Blush

Maybe ex is a neglectful bitch, maybe she isn't. Who knows. I think what everyone is saying is that you need to take a bit of a step back and have a think about who should be safeguarding these children and if there are other ways you could focus your support.

And get a new HV. That one is shit.

mymiraclebubba · 27/02/2014 12:36

Eggs - I genuinely don't see why him confiding in me is such an issue either

OP posts:
Rooners · 27/02/2014 12:36

Might be way off here but if the OP reported her concerns to the children's school would they not be under an obligation to report this under safeguarding regulation?

I don't think that they would have to bring the person who reported it into their own report - or would they? Surely that wouldn't matter, as long as the children's mother wasn't told who informed the school.

as far as she would be aware, it would be a report from the school that was the trigger for intervention

russianfudge · 27/02/2014 12:41

Having a good relationship and having him confide in you is not a bad thing in itself. But if his mother is as bad as you make out then it could leave him in a very difficult situation if she were to find the messages.

Also, (and you may already be) be wary of agreeing with or siding with him over complaints about his mum. Children are fiercely loyal to their mothers and when she's back in his good books don't think he'll thank you for even the slightest hint that you think she's not up to scratch.

He also probable "confides" in his mum about how awful you and his Dad are. Kids aren't daft, they're excellent manipulators and learn very quickly what each set of parents wants to hear.

Driveway · 27/02/2014 12:43

I don't really understand.
You can't get riddled with nits in 14 days. So if you had the DC every other weekend, and combed them all out, by the time they came back, they may have been reinfected at school, or there might have been a few stray lice that had escaped and laid eggs again, but there just couldn't be so many that they were dropping off the kids' heads. I'm sorry, it's not possible. And you have a mid week too someone said?
So to me, it looks like you simply must be exaggerating either your efforts or the infestation.

mymiraclebubba · 27/02/2014 12:47

I never slate his mum to him or when they are here that would be disgusting behaviour! The texts are never about her more about his sister winding him up which usually get the response of "I am not there so can't do anything you need to speak to Dm" or about kids at school picking on him which generally comes down to high jinx and him being a tad over sensitive which he usually concludes himself after telling me what happened ie kids rushing out the doors of assembly to get home and knocking into him. He sees it as a deliberate and gets upset that they are breaking school rules etc and we generally end up discussing the fact that as it was one person but lots and he can't name anyone in particular that it was probably just an accident and they probably didn't mean to upset him etc

OP posts:
FrogbyAnotherName · 27/02/2014 12:55

Headlice when untreated is a red flag for social services.

Yes, it is - which is why professionals such as Drs and school staff are trained in Child Safeguarding procedures.

In this case, the degree of infestation has been seen by both the family Dr and the school. They have not (as far as the OP is aware) raised any concerns.
The OP has described the situation to her HV, who has made a judgement without seeing the DCs.

Who is better placed to make a judgement ?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/02/2014 12:59

Yes egg. There's a backstory.

russianfudge · 27/02/2014 13:00

As I said "(and you may already be)"

mymiraclebubba · 27/02/2014 13:11

I know Russian just making it clear to others

yes there is back story, I posted a few days ago as a rant about dp happy to upset me but not ex and that I had told him of the neglect continued I would stop the kids going back to mum and we would look to SS and the courts for full custody to come to him/us

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 27/02/2014 13:14

that I had told him of the neglect continued I would stop the kids going back to mum and we would look to SS and the courts for full custody to come to him/us

The biggest concern, frankly, is that your DP is not taking the lead in deciding what happens re the care of his children.

MsColour · 27/02/2014 13:15

I apologize in advance in case I sound like a bitch....

When my first dd was a baby I thought I had all the answers about parenting. I had massive ideals about how children should be brought up and had a tendency to be quite judgmental. I ended up becoming a single mum of two young children and it was hard work, especially once you put work into the mix as well. A lot of these ideals got dropped and i now understand how parents don't have time to do everything. The reality is for many busy parents things get missed - I have dropped my children at school and realized I forgot to wash their faces, ds forgot to wear pants one day when he first started school. I feel you are coming across as a parent of a baby who thinks she has all the answers who is judging a busy single mum.

Nits are a bugger to get rid of. sometimes you have to view it as 'nit management' rather than treatment. Perhaps rather than telling your dsc mum to treat the nits you could suggest working together to manage the nits by combing every weekend.

If you are concerned, how about canvassing opinion from other people in RL who can assess how bad things are e.g ask dp's family?

nocontactforevermore · 27/02/2014 13:17

I'm not commenting on whether or not this is neglect because your DP and the professionals are best placed to decide whether this is the case. What I can say though is that I agree with the poster below who said it just isn't possible to be riddled with lice in 14 days post clearance. I work in a field where lice are common and it just isn't possible unless the infection had not been clear as you think it was. My own child has had them and I used only the conditioner and combing method to remove them - if you break the cycle and the child is considered 'clear!, then it would take several weeks for them to build back up to the adult lice that you are describing.

OwlCapone · 27/02/2014 13:28

Imagine this scenario :
OP, it is X years in the future and you and your DP have split up.
Your Dd lives with her father and you are the NRP.
Your DD arrives for time with you in the state you say your DPs children are in.

What do you do?

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