advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

[mymiraclebubba]

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

We do but the little buggers have become resistant to bloody everything and so all we can do now is keep combing through to remove the eggs etc which I spend hours doing when they're here but it's not being done at home at all so we never seem to get anywhere! We have them for. Just over two weeks in the summer so I will be making sure they are clear then!!

Unfortunately dd is only 6mo and I have been told by gpand ppharmacy that nothing can be used other than conditioner and the comb but her hair is so fine the comb doesn't have any effect. All the current treatments say not to be used under 2 - I have a cabinet full of them!

Thanks ER! Dd would catch them as a baby and with her it was just a case of a quick comb with the nitty gritty in the bath. It wasn't really a problem in that respect.

I too would have a really good blitz of them in the school holidays when dsd was with us longer.

I used to get cross at having to do it when her mum clearly wasn't and wouldn't. In the end I decided to turn my focus to what we could do and forget about what her mum wouldn't do, as that was just wasted energy.

The only thing that works in my now extensive experience is... conditioner, a nitty gritty comb and hard work.

Forget Hedrin and the rest.

I didn't even use conditioner on dd as a baby. In fact I've never used chemicals on her even when she was getting them at school. Just a nitty gritty and loads of conditioner.

Peacesword being a step mum really is a thankless task isn't it.
You have rise above and do your best, as you have done.

Sadly despite all the crap her mother has put her through DSD is coming more under her grip every day.
It's sad to see a once free spirit slowly crushed.

I do get that ppl think "ffs it's nits kids get them" etc but when dsd is scratching herself raw and her scalp is bleeding and scabby from bites and scratching it becomes a whole bigger issue that just being nits

Unfortunately combing only really works (according to dsd's gp) if it's done religiously everyday combined withchanging bedding etc rregularly - now I cannot vouch for what happens on that at dms but it's changed here every time they visit whether for 1 night or. Longer

I just get really fed up as does dp that they have to go through what is quite traumatic when hair is down to her bum - and yes we have tried to have it cut but Dm did her nut and refused and when we had it significantly trimmed she went ballistic at dp. he doesn't want them to associate our house with this and neither do I

We will talk to the school nurse about other options and. Email Dm with it and see where we get

Some posters with an agenda here. Birth mum can do no wrong while step parent is evilhmm

fedup, do you mean me? OP has also used the word "agenda" about my posts here. Because I suggest in that case that you have a good long look at my posting history before you leap to such a conclusion about agenda and biases. You'll be struggling to find a way to construct an agenda for me that arbitrarily favours birth mums and puts down stepmums, I'm afraid!

THIS stepmum is doing something rubbish. Period. I gave her sensible advice from a position of personal experience, to which she reacted very defensively (wonder why!) and also pointed out where she has contradicted herself, thus losing credibility. She doesn't like what I have to say, because I'm not going to validate her.

I am a stepmum who does have a large role in raising her stepkids. The OP's 'pirate mum' tactics are potentially damaging to the kids and definitely damaging to the efforts of the rest of us stepmums and mothers who have to navigate these waters.

I don't really understand what the op has done or said that's so terribly wrong. I do believe that she genuinely cares for her dsc.

I for one would not be happy at all if my sc had untreated nits and were coming into our home and into contact with our baby.

I don't think social services ect is the answer, we'd probably just have to do what we could when they were here but I wouldn't be happy about the situation or their mother's neglect. (i say 'we' but obviously I ment 'my husband' as I'm only a step mum so it's none of my business)

I have no idea Countrygal but it appears that mumsnet views on step mum's is we are all interfering witches who have alterior motives for our concerns

I don't want to go through SS other than to have it documented should the neglect get worse I guess but when talking to their Dm falls on deaf ears and dsd is in such a state I wonder if we are being neglectful by not doing everything open to us Inc using SS

brdgrl I get you.

For me the OP lost validity when she said she would stop contact if her baby got nits

ie
"I have told him that the secondshe gets them that will bbe it end of them coming here and he can take them to his dad's for contact!"

Separating siblings because if nits. Ooookaaay

I cannot believe the number of you advocating neglect and abuse

I certainly wouldn't advocate neglect and abuse, but I think you have an agenda here and are possibly over egging the issue.

I have told him that the second she gets them that will be it end of them coming here and he can take them to his dad's for contact

Massive overreaction.

Good luck with when your DD is older and attends primary school. It is highly likely that she will get nits too and it isn't always a matter of treating them and they just go away.

I remember one particular year of primary when my two eldest boys were constantly riddled with them! I was treating them and used various methods, but they go to school daily and the opportunity for reinfection is high. Having them constantly isn't necessarily a sign that they are not being treated.

I am divorced, when my dd and ds were at primary school they had nits on and off all the time for years. I spent hours trying to get rid of them using combs, potions etc. Everynight I would pull eggs and lice out of their hair. I consulted the DR about it. They would go away and then come back. Now dcs are at secondary school the problem has totally gone away. i was and am a good mother and the dcs were well cared for. According to you however the dcs should have been taken into care??

Not read all this thread but frankly I find it totally amazing and heartless of you to be laying into you partners ex over this. Just wait until your dcs go to primary school and you will see the problem.

I sincerely hope none of your DCs or step DCs ever have to encounter serious problems like special needs or life threatening conditions. If you did you would stop worrying about this sort of thing. I seriously suggest you relax about this and start enjoying your time with your partner, life is really too short.

the last thing he wants is to take their kids away from her.

IMO the last thing he wants should really be for his children to be neglected.
Why is he letting them be neglected?

I don't want to go through SS other than to have it documented should the neglect get worse I guess

The thing is, OP' you have already openly stated that you would have no qualms about refusing to allow your DCs to return to their Mum once the neglect is significant enough (in your opinion) to do so - indeed,you have said you don't want to do anything that might lead to their Mum withholding contact, because that would rob you of the chance to "keep" them.

In light of that, it is understandable that your motives have been questioned on this thread - particularly as you have been very defensive when some posters have made alternative suggestions.

I know how hard it is to stand by and see your DSC neglected and abused. A few years ago, my DH took his DD to the Dr, against her Mums wishes, to seek treatment for hundreds of flea bites. His DD was so upset that he had (in her opinion) got her mum into trouble, that she stopped seeing or talking to him for two years. But she had been treated for the bites, and that was what DH believed was most important.

This is not an unusual situation that you find yourself in; what is unusual is the level if investment you have in the issue when your DP is less engaged.

wow op. I think that you jumped down peoples throats because they didn't agree with you. why wont the mum treat the kids? ? apart from the lice have you any other concerns over her parenting? I fail to see why it is your business tbh. if my ds ever gets a sm I hope to god she's not as interfering as you as otherwise she won't be seeing him. what on earth do u think you are doing having conversations with stepchildren via text? you are a grown up fgs! ! reporting someone to ss for nits!!!!! grow up love x

Erm what is wrong with having a conversation on text? Dss doesn't like talking on the phone so he occasionally instigates text conversation if he wants to talk to me about something - I fail to see why this offends you

I agree withBrdgl Pirate mum really does sum it up. We stepmums often get criticised for not caring enough/getting involved enough , all we need is stepmums like the OP giving us even more bad press.

he should be talking to his mother. how old is he??

He is 10 and if he doesn't want to talk to her and chooses to talk to me that is up to him. I always discuss with dp and show him the messages and if he feels exw needs to be told if it's anything significant then he contacts her

so surely if he thought his ds and him were being neglected he would say?? he is ten you shouldn't be texting him back. he should be talking to one of his parents. why is your dp not doing anything himself? ? has he got a backbone? ?

My DP's ex would be seriously pissed off if her DCs were texting me about stuff rather than talking to her or their dad. I understand that sometimes it easier to talk to someone other than your parents, but not many women would be happy if the person their child chose was their ex's gf, especially if they didn't get on.

I find that really odd. I would also find it inappropriate if my ex had a gf who was texting with my teenage DS.

You say that MN is anti-SMs as a whole. Most of the people who don't agree with you here are probably SMs themselves, or at least like myself, have a partner whose DCs are part of their life in some way and know what a difficult line it is to walk.

We have all had moments where we question how involved we should be, what the boundaries are between our own DCs and theirs etc. The difference is you seem to be approaching this situation from a more meddling involved perspective than the DCs' own dad. It makes him seem weak and uncaring, you seem overbearing and the mum seem victimised by you.

how do you know she is not treating her child?? she may be just saying that because how she parents her children is NOT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS. look after your own dc.

Why shouldn't I text him back? Ffs if I care I am a bitch but then you advocate ignoring him. Can just imagine the abuse if I posted that dss texted me and I ignored it aibu?!

I think you should take a step back on all this.

Your DP needs to have the courage of his convictions. Does he think his children with Ex are being neglected? If yes, he has to take steps to protect them: reporting to SS, going for custody, and being strong enough to withstand his ex going ballistic.

If not, then there does not need to be a report, he has to liaise with her to try and sort things out. If they can't deal with each other sensibly, then they have to go to mediation, and if that fails, back to court, to sort these issues out.

he is ten years old. texting him back you should really talk to your dad is more appropriate. grow up op.