advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

[mymiraclebubba]

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following

1. she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2. if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3. we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4. we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

Agree with driveway

Yes kids may occasionally get nits but this sounds dreadful

Its quite easy to have them constantly, not just occasionally.

But as driveway said, something is being exagerated here, either the level of infestation, or the op/her dps efforts to treat them when they have contact.

If you are religiously treating the children 3 times EOW (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and then 1 night during the week, then there is no way that the nits are as bad as you describe. Same with the fungal infection. It needs twice weekly treatment. So you treat it once a week every week, twice a week in contact weekends and you are bound to see improvement.

But I have a sense that you don't actually want to do that OR find a solution that doesn't involve creating as much angst as possible.

If the nits are as bad as the OP describes the school will have noticed by now and will refer to appropriate services.

It sounds to me as if you are living out a bit of a rescue fantasy with these children OP. This could all backfire spectacularly.

My advice would be to forget reporting to social services about this relativly minor issue, and try and help the mother by trying to get DH/DP to contact and work with the ex to try and resolve this.

You have enough worries of your own without taking all this on board. They are both adults and its their children so they should be able to sort it out themselves. If DH/DP wants to involve SS, let that be his call, not yours.

Mymiraclebubba

Don't listen to some of the scorned and embittered ones on here. An attack on one is an attack on all.

You are doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you any different. Neglect is neglect plain and simple and if mum refuses to treat that is exactly what she is doing, neglecting them, I can't believe so many people are saying keep your nose out, again its a whole new kettle of fish if a new nd was telling your partners kids what to do that would be acceptable. More demonising of the step mums

"Scorned and embittered ones on here"

Don't be a dick Riakin

I'm not scorned or embittered. I just know that teachers are contractually obliged to report abuse. So if school have seen what the OP describes, school would have no choice but to refer it on.

Riakin, what are you talking about???

And in all this, we do only have one side of the story.....

Like every thread ever...

Yes Anonymai, but many of the threads on MN do at least provide some balance, not all, granted but it's ones like this that are so polarised, that make me feel, I wonder what the DM would say if she could, what is her story? Is it real abuse and neglect? Is it just a case of nits? Its hard to judge.

Don't listen to some of the scorned and embittered ones on here. An attack on one is an attack on all

An attack? On whom? A mother? A stepmother? A head louse?

As I see it the OP (a stepmother) has criticised her DSC mother, who has in turn been defended (in her absence) against the OPs approach to the situation by stepmothers.

Unless I've missed something? Is the OP the DCs mum? Is it the stepmother who is refusing to treat nits? ????

That's a really severe fungal infection. It shows how long it has been untreated for. That IS concerning. Surely the GP must have reported his concerns?

On the scratching until they are raw thing - some DC's scalps are just more sensitive to the poo that nits leave behind (they still poo!). My. DS3 got nits, and when I combed him, I got just TWO out of his hair, and one further after I had treated him. Yet he had scratched his scalp almost raw. I took him to the GP, as none of my other DC's had had this when they had nits, and he told me that he is just more sensitive to nit 'dander'. (Polite way of saying nit poo!).

So you absolutely DON'T need to have a severe infestation to end up with raw patches on your scalp, you just have to be sensitive to nit dander.

So you can't use that as an indication of level of infestation.

And nits are far easier to spot moving around in children with blonde or ginger hair than they are in children with dark brown or black hair, so nits are far more obvious then - so a child with black hair could be as infested as a child with light blonde hair, and you would notice the nits moving around far more on the blonde haired child's head, so it would seem like a far more severe infestation until you combed both children.

(Far easier to spot nits on my Ginger DS3 than it is my black-haired DS1!)

Riakin, we are not scorned and embittered, most of us are in the same position as the OP, step-parents or at least the girlfriend/partner of someone who has children.

That's why it is so frustrating to see someone so clearly overstepping the mark here and giving all SMs a bad name.

I am only "over stepping" the mark in your opinions though. The only opinion I actually give a flying fart about is my dp's and as EVERYTHING I have done or not done has been done after full discussion and agreement with him your opinions of my position are frankly irrelevant

I thank the people who have actually read and answered the question I posed and suggest those of you too precious to accept that not everyone is as pathetic and terrified of helping to parent their dsc's if asked to do so do some soul searching over whether they should be step parents in the first place

Wondering why you posted for advice then if the only opinion that matters is your dps.

Because I asked a specific question which most people have ignored in favour of attacking my role as sm

The only opinion I give a flying fart about is my DP's

^and that right there, explains EVERYTHING. What a fool.

Because I asked a specific question which most people have ignored in favour of attacking my role as sm

I don't think anyone has ignored your question.

Opinions that differ from yours have been offered, as has advice. But anything that challenges your stance seems to be taken as an attack.

People are not 'attacking' your role as a step Mum. Some have questioned your motives/agenda, as it jumps out from your posts that this is about more than nits.

I am only "over stepping" the mark in your opinions though

IMO, if you are told on the Step Parents board, by fellow Step parents, that you are overstepping, you should take heed.

Well your DP's opinion appears to be 'don't rock the boat as we don't want to upset the ex' or otherwise he would be taking a tougher stance himself.

So rather than some stern conversations about co parenting more effectively to help his DCs he is sitting by waiting for you to call SS.

those of you too precious to accept that not everyone is as pathetic and terrified of helping to parent their dsc's if asked to do so do some soul searching over whether they should be step parents in the first place

Is that what you you are doing? Helping to parent your DSC? By telling your DP that you will refuse to allow his DCs to return to their Mum unless she parents them in a way you approve of?

Your DSzc have been seen by professionals training in Child Protection and they have concluded that a professional referral to Soc Serv is not necessary. I think it's a good idea for you to report your own concerns, but do not fool yourself into believing that it will result in your DCs being taken away from their Mum. If you get as angry with the professionals whose job it is to help your DSC as you have with people on this thread, I think you will be considered part of the problem, rather than a safe haven for them.

Oh yeah and good luck with simply 'not returning the children after contact'
Who the hell talks and behaves like this in real life? I know not a single step parent who actually thinks it's THAT simple. Jayyyyyysus.

So if your DP agrees with you, what is he actually doing? I'm sorry, but I think he probably does agree with you on most or some of this, but he's not the one getting his knickers in a twist over it.

He's quite happy to fulfil his "role" i.e. go to work. And leave you wringing your hands over everything else. Leaving you feeling a very big entitlement to having a say over the children which Mum simply won't be in agreement with. I can actually understand a lot of how you feel. You are raising these children and spend more time with them than mum or dad. (I think another poster has said the same).

It must be very hard indeed. But sadly that is the nature of being a step parent in some situations where choices and circumstances lead Dad unable or unwilling to parent. Maybe it is you who should be doing some soul searching as to whether or not this role is for you?

OP Because I asked a specific question which most people have ignored in favour of attacking my role as sm

Good grief, Peacesword and I posted very similar situations.
Both of us had small children with DSC's with nits.
Both offered advice which you ignored.

I really dont know what your game is.

Stuff it I cant be arsed.