Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

Nocontact- Nobody is asking her to miss time with the DSC over Christmas. You've misunderstood my posts, the birthday isn't over the Christmas period. I mentioned Christmas because the Court Order states alternate Christmas days and the one just gone was her year to have Christmas Day BUT she said she had plans to go out with her friends Christmas Eve so asked us to have them with us Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and she collected them Christmas afternoon.

I don't think you understand what is being said to you mumtobe

I work a 50-60 hour week sometimes and have to work a saturday morning. Sometimes my ds3 comes with me. If his step mum deemed it better that he take part in a meaningful activity with her - that she deemed better- I would at the very least be put out. And then I would say no.

It is neither your or your dp's business WHAT she does in her time. I am sure you are a great mum to your brood but they are her and your dp's children not yours. I would be FURIOUS if my ex's partner was sat in the back of the school meeting. He could approach the school and ask for everything to be sent. You are a constantly visable underminding presence and if it was me I would be more inclined to dig my heels in....

Something about your posts really aggreviates me. You in my mind are a vision of puddle-jumping, apron clad in a cloud of baking flour. It would get my goat. Leave the mother be, butt out and enjoy what you have. Which is the children half the time........ demanding more or 'flexiability' is quite frankily a piss-take. I hope the judge laughs you out of court......

Elliesbellies and others- DP doesn't want to take the kids away from their mum or for her not to have a relationship with them. He spent a long time having to persuade her to see the children regularly after they first separated and it was exhausting trying to keep their relationship going. She then suggested shared residency (her parents were pushing her for it and I know her family gave her a lot of stick for not wanting the kids much). DP wanted the kids to see her more so at Court (well in a side room before the hearing) DP agreed to shared residency 50:50 on the understanding the children's lives, activities and interests would be facilitated when they were with her, that she would communicate about important things to do web the children because she had failed to do so before (informing DP if one of the kids is ill, taken to hospital etc). If he had known this is how it would be then he'd have not agreed to this pattern of care and contested her application for 50:50 residency for very good reasons.

Good god, I almost always sympathise with the sm as it's such a hard job, but I feel real sympathy with the mother in this case! I'm surprised she shows any flexibility at all given you clearly think you can be a better mother to her children than she is. You're not their mother you know.

OP you're obsessed with these children's mum. You think you're disguising the whole thing as love for the children but it's as clear as day. You have 4 biological children of your own and you still find time you get yourself in a twist over absolutely nothing. Flabbergasted.

Op,its still your way or no way.good grief.im out of here,nd i will make sure i dont post on your threads again.unbelieveable.i wish the ex all the luck in the world cos shes going to bloody need it.

Many of us have expressed the same opinion to you op, repeatedly.

What was the point of your thread title?!

Your situation is different though. For a start she only works 2 days a week not long hours like you do.

Often DP is at work during the week and I am the only one there at these school meetings for the DSC as their mum doesn't go. As I said before it's quite normal for parents who can't make it to get someone else to go, grandma or the nanny for example. It makes sense for me to go as I'm not working and I'm at the school anyway.

Their mum doesn't like it but it's either that or sometimes nobody will go.

Mind you....my own dd's sm rocked up at my dd's school event without her DH (my ex) the DAY AFTER she gave birth, such was her need to parade herself in my face.
So I take back what I said earlier....there really are sm's out there like you, giving other lovely, normal sm's a bad name!!

I started this thread as I was interested in other's opinions. I still am. I do appreciate everyone's opinion. I don't have to agree, in fact I think I am being perfectly reasonable, but I don't think any of the posters are being unreasonable for not agreeing with me.

either she is an unfit mother or she isn't? which is it? if she would be better of with you and your partner 100% of the time, when why was 50/50 agreed to? if the status quo was in your partner's favour, why would he agree to something different if his children are somehow at risk in their mother's care? if they are not at risk, then surely they deserve the opportunity to be with their mum 50% of the time? Even if that means that they have to be in childcare or miss out on other events because that's life and we can't have it all ways.

Your comment about which is better, holidays or staying at home doing nothing is ridiculous. You have to accept that not everyone sees life the way you see it. And if we don't see it your way, we are not inferior parents or inferior beings generally, we just do it differently. Frankly I love lounging around the house with my children at the weekend, doing not much other than play the odd game on the wii, watching a movie after making some popcorn or even sorting out the mess and all working together to decide what's rubbish, what's recyling, what's going on freecyle and what we'll sell. Hell, somedays we don't even get out of our PJs. I much prefer that to the hustle and bustle of holidays which, as a single parent, aren't particularly relaxing or enjoyable because people like you are forever behind us tutting loudly, making comments about single parents and generally being judgemental! Perhaps my children should live with their father and his girlfriend instead as they always seem to be on holiday?

Nocontactforevermore- As I said, your situation is not mine. Do your children live 50:50 with two homes? Is your DC's SM a SAHM for them when they are with her? Is there any reason she needs to know about school stuff, homework, curriculum, events, trips etc? If not them I agree with you that she doesn't need to be there. That's not the case for us though.

Mumtobe- she works part time and I work full time. This is in her opinion gives her the right to demand information regarding dd and my ex has relinquished entire responsibility for dd onto his wife. In one way, I pity her for being saddled with such an inadequate lump, but then the other part of me thinks she's unhinged (truly). I've pleaded with her- literally pleaded for her to stop showing up and school events and competing with me for my dd's affections, but she told me (like you) that she didn't need my permission and that dd would be better with them. Remarkably, she also has 4 children of her own. Beggars belief really.

Where do people with 4 kids of their own have time to invest so much to other peoples kids?

Their mother had to agree to facilitate their lives, interests etc to get 50/50

So you are both micromanaging their time even when they aren't with you?

You come across as so smug. The fact you have a sahm means you have a right to elbow your way in. I am so so glad i don't have this crAp to deal with...

Are you for real? Why is a day trip to the theatre better than a day with the childminder? I don't even know how to begin to answer that!

Thank you mumtobe.

You have confirmed what I said in a previous post, that you show absolutely no empathy or even understanding that other people simply have different opinions to yours.

Has it occurred to you that the DCs may have told their Mum that they didn't want to go to the theatre with you and your brood? That she asked them, and they said no, we'd rather go to the childminder as usual? That they may, in order to try and reduce the conflict between their parents, just be saying what they think each parent wants to hear, and are prepared to resist bribes of fun days out because they think it will upset their Mum?

Or, of course, it might be true - they may genuinely not want to spend extra time with you and your family. They may be craving for a regular routine - but knowing that their dad you want flexibility, they are too worried about telling you?

Are you prepared to even consider that your DSC are experiencing these very common and usual emotional conflicts - or are you so certain that their mum is to blame that you are not prepared to consider supporting them in the way that they may well need?

It is almost inevitable that your DSC will be emotionally affected by what has happened in their short lives. House moves, absent parent, new family members, new baby, conflict between their parents - these are all things that DCs often struggle with and need support to come to terms with. It is clear that none of the adults in this particular blended family are focusing on the actual impact on the DCs - they are more worried about competing to create "the best possible environment" with very little awareness of how it is being received.

And you don't 'need' to know by going to meetings about curriculum etc. You can just ask for the info from the school or more importantly their actual father can

But you have asked if their dm is being unreasonable.

99.99% of us have said no, given time, and shared personal experiences to get our points across.

You don't want this, you expect to be backed up by other step mothers just because.

These dc will not thank you for waging war on their dm, and how ever careful you may think you are around them, they know.

You keep contradicting yourself. Firstly she is always working which is why your DP felt they were better with him, but now you say she only works 2 days a week. Then she doesn't care about the kids and had to be forced to have them half the time, but she isn't willing to relinquish her time with them at your request so she can't be that desperate to palm them off.

And Frog's comment about them being in childcare over a trip was perfectly reasonable. Maybe the childminder had activities planned with them that day. Maybe they like it there. Maybe their mother believes in consistency of routine. And most importantly, it's her choice so matters not a jot what you think about her decision.

OP - you asked is it normal/possible for these sorts of things things to be written into an order

The majority of replies indicate that the answer to your question is no - it is not normal. It may be possible, but not normal practice even in very high conflict situations.

But you say you disagree with the replies? Are you now saying that you knew the answer to your question before you posted? You didn't post for help and advice? Why did you post, then?

The crux of the matter is that you are not their mother or even their step-parent in legal terms. The mother has every right to object to your presence at school meetings. You are hard enough work on a thread never mind in real life. Sorry but honestly why can you not see this.

Op, you are the one who sounds unreasonable. Sorry to be blunt. I've read the thread and there's been a lot of reasonable chat and posts. I think you will never,ever admit to being wrong. You sound judgemental and quite controlling. I too understand why the mother wouldn't want to budge a itch to accommodate you. I can only imagine the back story. Leave it be and try to stop changing around the agreed schedule.

Does it ever occur to you OP that your requests for extra time/special events which fall on your DSCs' mum's court ordered contact causes disruption in your DSCs' other home? Do you even care what effect your interference has on the DSC you profess to care so much about?

I wonder how you will feel if your DP and yourself split and another woman takes an unhealthy interest in your children?

Wannabe- Unhealthy interest? Really? Would you prefer your kids' SM to not give a hoot about them?

There is a middle ground between not giving a hoot, and what you are doing.