Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

I totally agree with the 'unhealthy'.

Most, if not all, of what you are posting about is none of your business.

Oh here we go, modus operandi: ignore the dozens of posts asking you questions/trying to engage with you to establish where you're coming from, all of which are ignored.

OP - I wouldn't be so quick to assume their mum wouldn't get more than 50-50 it went back to school. Your reasons for considering her to be an inadequate parent are spurious at best and her 'track record' as you put it, could likewise show you and your DP in a very bad light if she has documented the relentless harassment she faces from you.

*court, not school.

There is a middle ground between not giving a hoot, and what you are doing.

Which has been comprehensively explained by posters on this thread. But it's clear that mumtobe isn't, and has never been, interested in what other people actually think.

I have never seen a poster more adept at ignoring posts that don't validate her position.

Actually, there was another poster with an identical skill and style - hence my earlier confusion on this thread .

My sons step mother cares about them I know...... I don't need her being overbearing and suffocating me or them to be convinced of that fact..........

Your not interested in what I, the other posters or their mother thinks. You clearly aren't concerned with others thoughts on this matter.

I only hope their mother is a 'mumsnetter' and sees the advice you have been given and uses what we have said to help her further.

Are you seriously going on with this again???

There are about a hundred ways in which you are being difficult and provocative to the poor woman, but I just have to comment on two things...

That the DSC do not have their hair cut with us as she doesn't like the style we choose for them!
First of all, why are you using a "we" here? It's very revealing, by the way, that you see it like that. And if my child had a stepmum, and if she thought SHE had any right whatsoever to make decisions about my daughter's hairstyle, I would be flabbergasted and furious, and I certainly would not do anything to make that woman's life easier.

Secondly, if someone decided that my child would be better served by a trip to the theatre than a day at her childminder, and thought that this was HER call to make...I would really question her motives. And no, it isn't necessarily better. It's just what you want.

Don't you understand that it is just not up to you? No, I know (from this and past posts) that you don't...but really - try to pull yourself together.

(I'm a stepmum, and there is no ex involved, by the way - so no, not scorned or bitter.)

OP - the reason people mistook you for a previous poster is that there was a very similar thread on a while back here

That poster too had stepchildren who had previously been with her and her DP most of the time, and who were now in a 50-50 shared care arrangement, and wanted very much - as you do - to function as a family with her and her DP, and her children, and thought the DSC's mum didn't prioritise them. Her posting style is very like yours too, but it might be useful to read the thread as she appears to be in a similar position to you. Not sure how she resolved the situation though as I don't think she's been posting recently (as least not under that name).

Well that wasn't me. I haven't been on MN that long for a start, I don't have 2 DSD and all sorts of other differences.

Brdgrl. Our situation means I have to be more than "dad's girlfriend" and it would be horrible for DS if I wasn't. My partner works, we have 50:50 residency of the children. I have my own kids and we have a baby together too, one of us needs to be at home and he has by far the greater earning power. He does shift his hours about, works more when DDC not here uses annual leave etc to maximise his time with them but when he's at work they are with me and their siblings (step and half) and I do everything for them I would do for my own kids. That includes doing "parenting" things and dull necessary things such as taken them to the dentist, doing homework, shopping for new shoes, haircuts etc. The haircuts thing is ridiculously petty. DP hates the way she tries to have DSS's hair done in a (fashionable) style far too grown up for him one which requires being gelled to look half decent. He isn't allowed to wear gel to school as she has been reminded by school many times and it looks awfully scruffy without gel in that style. So I took them to the barbers one day last week and had the long bits all trimmed to a nice normal everyday boys school haircut. I didn't choose the style, DP did, I just took them. She hit the roof telling DP HE isn't allowed to take them to have their hair cut again as she wants to grow it. No mention of me specifically so I don't even know if she knew it was me who had taken them, although it's not relevant.

FFS. Have you any idea how fucked up it is that you did that? You changed the boy's hairstyle because you didn't like how his mother styles it and instead of just leaving it, you put that boy right in the middle of a conflict between his parents over his appearance. Because your DP said you could.

It's not fucked up and I totally agreed with DP that it needed doing. He's a little boy and cant yet decide things like this for himself so relies on someone else to do that for him. School don't allow extreme styles or gelled hair and had mentioned it a number of times to her that he can't wear gel in his hair for school, she ignored this. Neither Dp or I were prepared to send him to school with gelled hair knowing he wasn't allowed so either it got cut or he had to walk around with the hair hanging down which looked ridiculous and was totally unpractical. Would you let your kids walk around looking silly just because their other parent decided to give them a hairstyle that was totally unsuitable for school?

It is NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

That last bit sums this while thread up perfectly.

Would I let my dc walk around with a haircut I don't like... well no but that's my decision as his mother. His dad could also have a say but not you. These are not your children. Whether.yoyr right or wrong it's none of your concern there not yours. Concentrate on your own dcs hair.

This thread is quite scary. Op, they are not your children and you are far too involved. They have a mother and a father already and don't need another parent. You don't have shared custody, your dh does.

Our situation means I have to be more than "dad's girlfriend" and it would be horrible for DS if I wasn't. My partner works, we have 50:50 residency of the children

All those things are a choice. Your situation has not been thrust upon you - your DP was (presumably) managing quite well as a lone parent with primary care of his DCs until you and he moved in together.

Let me guess - his parents were significantly involved in childcare until you came on the scene? What a coincidence.

You have chosen to extend your family, chosen to incur significant court costs (both in relation to your own DCs and your DPs), chosen for you to remain a SAHM - all of which require your DP to spend longer hours outside the home away from his DCs, leaving them in your care.

Are your DSC so disruptive at school and suffer somany illnesses that they have such frequent appointments that there are now too many appointments for their Dad to attend? What did he do before you were involved? Did his parents substitute for him?
You're beginning to paint a picture of a scenario in which neither parent is willing to take direct responsibility for their DCs. You have taken on much of that responsibility - but you've gone too far; you now resent the DCs Mums decision making and interference in her own DCs lives.

I hope you are not setting yourself up for heartbreak. No matter how abusive/neglectful their Mum might be, your DSC will always love her, feel loyal towards her and seek her approval - at the expense of their relationship with others such as yourself, no matter how much you put in.

You've adeptly avoided any questions about your DSC so far - questions about how they might be feeling, and dealing with the situation. I find that strange really, given how you are so quick to respond to criticisms about yourself. Did you post this thread about you, or them?

Whereisegg. It is absolutely to do with me. When DP works early I get the kids ready and do the school run. I either send DSS into school with hair hanging down over his face or I gel it up (which I'm not prepared to do to a little boy) and the teacher will either say something to ME that morning about it being against school rules or mention she it to ME after school- that he's not allowed it like that. I don't make the decisions regarding DSC but things like that affect me as I am often in sole care of them and taking to/collecting them from school.

Just tell the teacher the truth. You aren't their parent and they need to speak to the mother or father about the hair.

I don't make the decisions regarding DSC but things like that affect me as I am often in sole care of them and taking to/collecting them from school

If mum and dads decision making results in situations you aren't comfortable with (such as being spoken to by a teacher) then you don't have to do it - you can explain to your DP that unless he takes responsibility for his DCs meeting school rules etc, you aren't prepared to help out.

Our situation means I have to be more than "dad's girlfriend" and it would be horrible for DS if I wasn't. My partner works, we have 50:50 residency of the children

So what? My DSC live with us 100% of the time. I hve at times done nearly ALL of their care. Their mum is DEAD. I still don't talk about how "we" decide on their haircuts.

How would it be so horrible for your DS (I assume you mean your ACTUAL own DS) for you to back off and recognise the reality of your situation?

And why the inisistance on language like 'siblings'? Instead of teaching the kids that they are siblings, why not focus your efforts on showing them all how special, unique, and wonderful their ACTUAL family of half-siblings and steps can be?

Would you let your kids walk around looking silly just because their other parent decided to give them a hairstyle that was totally unsuitable for school?

They are not YOUR kids. She is not the OTHER parent to you. You are not their parent AT ALL.

When you and your DP discussed the boy's haircut, did you discuss how you would inform his mother what you intended to do? Did you tell her before or after the haircut? Did you think about how she would react? Did you think about how that reaction would affect your DSS? Did you weigh up your feelings about this haircut compared to how your DSS would feel once his DM saw his hair and reacted? Did you consider the damage you would cause to your DSS when he saw how his parents argued over his appearance?

You are not so naive as to not understand how a small child can be affected by the arguments of the grown ups around him. But the fact is, you don't even care how that child was affected by your actions. That screams loud and clear from your posts.

We don't work very as a team/family if we aren't both helping each other. Do couple who both have children living with them live like that? We have 6 children between us, all under 10 and one a baby. This involves us both doing things for each other's children when the other isn't there. Routine things like school homework, school runs, haircuts etc is facilitated by which ever one of us it most able at the time. DP doesn't say "sorry that ones not my biological child, I'm not taking him" and neither do I.

I don't disagree that DSS needed his haircut as it looked ridiculous! I was happy to take him to the barber whilst DP was at work. DP made the decision as he'd seen but he'd have been happy for me to if I felt it necessary. So he has ensured his son was in line with school rules and I have no problem with teachers speaking to me about things, so I have no reason to ask them not to.

Please, hear this, mum.
I have done all this and much, much more with my DSC. DH and I both work, we have a small child together, etc etc etc - your "situation" does not excuse what you are doing.
I completely believe that stepparents can have a parenting role - I have been living it for years.
But going about it as you have, is a disaster.
Stop hurting and undermining their mum - they are NOT better off when you do this.
Like I say - my DSC's mum is dead, and I STILL have to be respectful of her role - she is their MUM. I am their stepmum. That can be an active role, it can be a loving role, it can be a disciplining role - but I am their stepmum.
You need to get a grip, you really, really do. In the nicest way - get help.You have obvious issues, and you are taking them out on the family.

Umm, to clarify, when I say I have "done all this", I meant that I do the "dull necessary things" NOT that I have done this crazy haircut business etc!