Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

Honestly, if this was me I would just shift your babies birthday a few days and not give it anymore thought.

It sounds like you might have bigger issues to deal with in the future as the kids get older. I wouldn't worry about this. The Ex does sound a lot bit stubborn but I suppose you all know where you stand
I know its important to you but does it really matter if it's off a few days?

My DH travelled a lot for work and would often be away for birthdays it really wast ever a problem for any of us or the kids. Sometimes we would have a mini celebration on their actual birthday then a party when he returned.

It is hard as a parent and a step-parent when it feels like you can't do right for doing wrong.

For instance, I feel very strongly that dss (who comes every we, mostly fri-sun eve), needs time with his df.
This was limited to a few hours before I could drive as I could really only take the other dc somewhere local on a bus.

Since learning to drive I take them for a night every 3-4 weeks to my family.
I happen to know that dps ex felt that the former was unacceptable as dss wasn't getting enough quality time, but since I have been doing the latter, it clearly means I don't like dss and am trying to get away from him.

Head/brick wall

I wojldnt worry O

I wouldn't worry op I would keep plugging to swap the day that's all you need to do. You are not being unreasonable and its not rocket science to know that a siblings birthday overrules a normal day.

Talk about not being able see the star end of an elephant. We've already had stated the issue from posters against here with the "why should mum give up her contact time" (she isn't she could just swap but just wants to be difficult)

raikin Encouraging the OP to harass her DSC mum about swapping when she has given a clear and unequivocal reply to the request is, at best, irresponsible. It may well play into the hands of the DCs mum when she is next facing court action brought by the OPs DH. Judges/magistrates don't like bullying ex's who won't take no for an answer and who relentlessly demand their own way.

Do you have a 50:50 shared care arrangement for your own DCs? Do you find that "keep plugging away" is an effective tactic with their other parent?

That 'elephant' you keep referring to is beginning to look a lot like a petulant child who can't get their own way.

The Mum may well be unreasonable - but there is sweet FA the OP can do about it, and her immediate consideration of including it in further court action is a clear indication that she is used to getting what she wants through an adversarial, rather than resolved, approach.

I'm unsure how sticking to a judges ruling can be described as 'being difficult'.

I honestly think that if their dm had said yes, it would just be thought of as another example of her not wanting to spend time with her own children rather than her being considerate and flexible.

Basgetti. I appreciate you appear to have had a very difficult time going through family Court. However I can assure you she does not need feeling sorry for. She is not in anyway treated badly by DP or myself, DP does not complain, moan or harass her about these things, he is never rude or disrespectful to her.

Frogs. "her time with the children" should have been 'her' time with the children. Since the Court Order has been in place she sees it as her time, not DP. She thinks the days the children are with her DP should cease to be their parent. She will walk past us in the street and expect us not to stop to say hello to the children and they are ushered away. School meetings and events that fall on days they are with her we are expected to not attend- however these expectations are not met by DP or myself, which is part of the reason she's being a cow (in general not just about this). Before the Order was made the kids lives were much easier and things were flexible, it was better for them. DP hugely regrets agreeing to 50:50 shared residency.

DP is not a non resident Disney dad. We do all the boring bits too like school runs and homework, we just like to make the most of down time as well. The kids run errands with me, get taken to the supermarket etc it's not all fun and games here- just normal family life. However, if they had the chance to do something nice/day out etc with their mum and we had no plans then why would DP say no.

I don't think it was at all offensive to offer her the tickets. They were expensive and gone to the children for free. She refused to let us take them as it "encroaches on MY time with the children" so we offered her the tickets so she could take them if she wanted, they were the children's tickets not ours as such. She declined and then we found out she had been at work all day anyway!

I feel sorry for her because the court order should really have been the end of it. With the exception of special circumstances or emergencies she should be left to get on with parenting them, not be expected to constantly have to deal with requests to alter things and 'prove' whether her reason for saying no is good enough.

And whilst I agree your DP should be able to attend school functions regardless of whose day they fall on, why are you going along too if you know it winds her up?

mumtobe you may thrive on the adversarial environment of court, but if you took the time to read some of the posts on MN from parents (and their spouses) who are involved in family court, you will see that the way in which the other party behaves is only one of many stressors which can lead to anxiety and stress. You being nice to her is little comfort when her home and life is stripped bare for strangers to examine.

You are totally oblivious to the fact that she is not you. She has different values, opinions, reactions and beliefs. And, as the mother of your DSC, her choice to raise her DCs along the lines she believes is right is equal to your DHs. Your opinion does not carry any weight at all. Your DH would do well to remember that he is incredibly fortunate to have 50:50 residency of his DCs. Keeping you happy by pushing his ex hard may lead to a far less equal share of parenting.

Is it a case of your way or the highway? Are you resistant to the idea of having DCs in your family who don't share your values and beliefs?

How many DC are part of this set up? Is it 5? 6? So is this going to be a request that precedes every birthday? How do you deal with the birthdays of the DSC when they fall in their DM's contact? Do you have your own celebration on a day other than their actual birthday? If that is the case, why would this birthday be so important as to warrant kicking off more court action when the court order has already set the precedent of your household not being able celebrate DSCs' birthdays on the actual day at least 50% of the time?

I feel more sorry for the DC in this set up - they've got years of petty arguments ahead, and no doubt several court cases to come as well.

Perhaps she feels like the more she says yes, the more you ask.

Basgetti. It's not as simple as that though. DP only agreed to 50:50 shared residency on the agreement from her that things would remain flexible in the children's best interests. She did not "win" at Court, this was all agreed outside the Court room. She hasn't kept to the agreements she made.

Why do I attend? My own children are at the same school so sometimes I would be there anyway regardless if whether DSC are involved. But also because I care about them, want to support them, they live here with me half the time and I'm a SAHM, myself and DP share care and responsibility of all the children, plus if he's at work and I didn't go to things at the school we'd never know anything about it, which would often cause issues for DSC.

It's only a birthday ffs why don't you leave her alone. At that age you can celebrate the babies birthday the next day you have them.

You and your dp need to stop bullying this woman and I say that as sort of sm and dc with lots of half brothers and sisters.

Stop battling her and give these children an sense of being safe and not having to take sides.

if they had the chance to do something nice/day out etc with their mum and we had no plans then why would DP say no.

You just don't get it, do you? You are projecting your values onto her. You assume that the things you believe are nice/day out for the DCs are equally nice in her opinion.

What if she asked you to swap a day that you didn't have any plans so that the DC's could go to their childminder? Would you agree? No? Why not? Is it because you place a higher value on a day with you than a day with a CM?

Do you understand that she may not agree with that, and consider a day with you a waste of time whereas a day with the CM is far more valuable to the DC? Can you accept the fact that she isn't wrong to think that, just different?

Who said anything about winning? It isn't a contest. And you have said yourself that she has sometimes agreed to swap, do you actually think she should bow to every request you make? Perhaps if you actually reserved requests for important events only she would have said yes to this birthday.

If your dh cannot attend meetings at the school, he needs to arrange to speak to their teachers at another time.
You need to back off where their schooling is concerned, that is not your place if their dm is there

You don't have PR and have no business being at the school if your DP can't make it and she doesn't want you there. Surely it is by her good grace that you attend meetings in your DP's absence?

Frogs- Yours making some huge (incorrect) assumptions there. Thriving on an adversarial atmosphere? Simply not true. I do appreciate my views are not always going to be agreed with by other people. Unfortunately, DP's ex strongly disagrees with most of DP's views on raising children. She puts herself, her work and her social life before DSC- that's fine, but she wanted 50:50 residency and it's only made life harder for the children. That may sound like a nasty spiteful comment but it's absolutely correct and we have to try and make the best of that without just giving in to all her demands when they clearly aren't always the best course of action for the children

What demands does she make?

But she hasn't got 50:50 if there are repeated requests for extra time at yours.

It seems that it is you and your dh that cannot grasp 50:50.

Basgetti. I thoroughly disagree with your comments about me being involved in their schooling, although I appreciate that difficulties for you in your own situation may have led you to think that way.

When I say school meetings I mean group meetings with teacher/head teacher not 1:1 meetings about the specific child. Our school does loads of these including one every term with each teacher to discuss that terms topics and how parents can help, they do one each year about school trips, we had one whole year group meeting recently about phonics, reading etc. IF DP can't attend then I will go, if DP does attend sometimes I may go too, especially if it's at a school run time and I'm there anyway. If neither of us goes then their mum won't pass us the information, DP would have to speak to the teacher ask for it to be written down/ any handouts copied etc which isn't always as good as being there.

I don't need PR to attend school meetings. Plenty of parents that work send someone else on their behalf, grandparent or the nanny for example. They don't have PR either.

mum2be I say it as I see it!

The fact that your OP mentions court - not mediation, not discussion, not compromise but straight to the question as to whether a court can be asked to rule on which parent is right and which is wrong is evidence enough that you are not at pains to avoid/minimise the experience.

You say that while some people have a negative experience of court, your DSC Mum hasn't because your DH has not been rude/abusive. For a start, you cannot possibly know what she was faced with as you would not have been party to the negotiations, and secondly, you are, yet again, applying your own values.
Being questioned by a solicitor/barrister/CAFCASS Officer may not feature on your radar, but it can leave many people incredibly stressed.

I'm guessing that you were present in the court building? When I went to support my DH in his current court case that his ex initiated I was physically sick through the stress of being in the same room as her. Some wonderful friends held my hand over cyberspace and kept me calm - but her presence caused me stress - because of the damage she has caused me and my DD.

Dismiss my opinion all you like, but you have a casual and accepting attitude to court and seem totally incapable of empathy or even the realisation that others think and feel differently to you.

So basically you are unwilling to accept you are wrong about anything?

It doesn't matter if you dismiss my views on you being involved in their schooling. But it bothers their mother. Surely that should be enough for you to take a step back and not antagonise things.