Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

talisa I think it depends what else is going on, and the age of the DCs - these are young (pre-school & under 6's), they have had several different care/routine arrangements in a matter of a few months, there is a new baby and house moves as well.

It sounds like it is quite possible that the OPs DSS could be taken to school by a different person each day,be that a parent, stepparent or professional child carer and collected by another. That is not ideal, particularly for a reception aged child, I'm sure you'll agree.

I am quite familiar with comings and goings - I used to refer to my own household as having DCs on timeshare because of the various combinations each week - but I would have been at pains to avoid the scenario the OP has created (and I changed employment to avoid similar disruption).

My point was that the OPs living and financial arrangements are her choice and that's fine for her family.

What is not fine is criticising the ex for not working enough hours etc. This is not the OPs business.

The OP should concentrate on her own family unit, including the DSC when they are in her care/her household.

I am in similar circumstances to the OP. I'm not remotely interested in what my partner pays his ex in terms of maintenance. My DS lives primarily with us and my partner's DD is in a 50/50 split between her mum and dad. My partner pays maintenance and I receive maintenance. We budget based on our total household income.

What my partner's ex spends her maintenance on is of no concern to me. My DSD is happy and well cared for in both households. That is what is important to me, not whether the ex works/doesn't work. That is none of my business. I have got no idea what her personal circumstances are and I don't need to know.

Op, you could take a leaf from David's book. You are putting yourself and your children under a lot of unnecessary stress y worrying so much.

Hopefully you've seen how petty it would be to ask a court to rule that your baby's half siblings should be present on the exact day of its birthday and that as you get more experienced in this step parenting malarkey you will learn to pick your battles. It took me long enough.

I just think that sometimes it's very easy for women to fall into this almost competitive thing with their husbands or partners ex. Like in some way you have to be a better mother than her, a better wife.

I'm not saying that the OP is doing this or that other step mums on this board are doing this, but if the OP concentrated on her own life she might be a bit happier. Constantly looking at someone else's life and feeling resentful over their time off from the kids, their financial situation etc etc can only make you unhappy in the long run.

I don't involve myself in any aspect of the parenting which goes on between my partner and his ex. That is entirely for them to sort out. As long as the situation is workable for everyone and no-one is being taken for granted then everyone can get on with their own lives. I don't waste energy worrying about how much time my partner's ex gets on her own to enjoy herself, or how much money she has, or anything else for that matter.

Only she and my partner know what happened in their relationship. I only have his word for what she is like, which is not exactly unbiased. I stay out of it when they occasionally have issues to deal with. Not because I don't care, but because its between them.

DavidB I practice this 90% of the time, in the early days it was nearer 5% if I'm honest! Very wise words but I think we're only human and everyone has the odd rant. Op seems to be firmly in the opposite frame of kind which is unhealthy for everyone involved

david I think it becomes a vicious circle. Stepmums get overinvolved in their DSC lives rather than taking a back seat and leaving the parenting to Dad, so when Mum upsets the applecart, it's stepmum who suffers the consequences, cos she's doing pick-ups, or medical appointments or school liaison rather than the parent.

I've always urged caution (here and in RL) when stepmums say they have regular responsibilities for their DSC. I understand the practicalities; Dads working to support two families, wants to see his kids, single Mum wants some 'child free time' to work/socialise and the stepmum is the one who ends up quitting her job and becoming a FTMum to all the DCs (like the OP).

It becomes very difficult not to have opinions about the welfare of the DCs in that case - take the OP for example; she has more contact with her DSC than either of their parents do, and yet she is expected to stay silent when decisions are made that impact on the DCs health, behaviour and welfare.

I don't think anyone can truly say that they are sure they've got it right - but some make more effort to avoid catastrophic mistakes than others!!!

Frog - Couldn't agree more, particularly the first paragraph. I'm sure that the dads don't offload most of the parenting onto their new wives/girlfriends on purpose but it does seem to be the default position that the woman ends up taking on loads of responsibility for the DSC. It seems to be less common with step-fathers for some reason!

Resentment of the mother will always be easier for the step-mother than being cross with her own partner for not taking responsibility for his own children when they are in 'his' care.

I have seen step mums on this board and others where they seem to be upset that the mother is having 'me time'. In other words when the children are in the care of their father, the mother chooses to use that time to go out. Of course there are women who like to offload their children onto whoever will look after them in order to go off and enjoy themselves, but I would assume that this is a tiny minority of women.

Unfortunately though in some cases the father then leaves the responsibility of their children with the step mum, who then gets annoyed with the mother for having 'me time'.

The mother is only able to have time off from her own children because she is separated or divorced from the father of those children, which may or may not have been of her choosing. Surely common sense would dictate that, by default, when those children visit with their father the mother would use this opportunity to do some child free activities. What is she supposed to do? Wait in the house until her children come home?

I can completely understand a step mum who gets royally pissed off with her partner leaving her to look after the children but that isn't the mothers fault.

Just wanted to chip in regarding child maintenance and 50/50 care. The extract below is taken from the CSM step-by-step guide:

Q: What happens if the day-to-day care of a child is equal between a paying parent and a receiving parent?
A: In this situation, the paying parent does not have to pay any child maintenance for that child.

This relates to new cases set up via the CSM, although as I understand it existing CSA arrangements will transition across to the new system in due course.

Proving 50/50 care is of course another matter if the other party doesn't agree, but at least the principle of no maintenance when there's shared physical care is there.

Snoozybird. The funny thing is I called CMS recently and they told me that they ARE still expecting the NRP (without Child Benefit) to pay maintenance in 50/50 situations, even though this directly contradicts what the guidelines (that you've quoted) say. Not sure how that works then.

DP's ex's case is with CSA not CMS as she claimed ages ago but for various (not entirely clear) reasons there were mistakes and he wasn't notified until relatively recently, although he is back paying a little even so.

DP pays £31 a week as per CSA calculations which appears to be correct (as per their guidelines) He doesn't earn 60k or whatever another poster said he must earn. He earns about 45k I think although his wages vary month to month.

You know what OP I do understand where your coming from.

It is so hard when your a control freak (I am tbh) and I don't mean that nastily.

I do think my way is best, things do really irritate me about my dc siblings. Haircuts is a good example my dc db has long hair think past his shoulders. He would look so much better with it short, it's curly knotty and a mess and if she would just take him to the barbers life would be so much easier for him. He hates having it done. This really gets my goat as in my opinion it's unnecessary but I bite my tongue and would never dream of saying something. If he lived with me I would be up the barbers in a flash

I bite my tongue on so many things and just step back. Me and dp don't live together anymore and that's partly down to the stress of his kids. Not them they're lovely but all the outside shit of his ex wife. I admit I became quite obsessed in wanting to be better then her and have a better life.

I have no idea what happened maybe I'm feeling much more secure in my relationship with dp but a switch went off in my head and I no longer give two shits about ex wife or anything she does or doesn't do. Even the hair thing doesn't irritate me anymore.

I wish I could explain how I detached without detaching from dp or any of the kids in our situation but my life is so much better.

The poster just up the thread said about competing and not looking and wanting what others have spoke wisely. I hope you can learn to let go slightly and just let them get on with it.

mumtobe your DP is paying off arrears, hence he is paying more than just the calculated rate - arrears would have built up because of the delay in the CSA getting in contact to set up the arrangement. If you are struggling, the payment of arrears can be negotiated - my DP has faced arrears several times (CSA cockup, change of job etc) and he has been able to negotiate a reasonable repayment rate each time.

If were a betting woman, I would speculate that your DPs ex knew that the rules were changing and applied to the CSA before the rules changed for new applications. I would have done. It's the most reliable way of securing financial support for her DCs - particularly given the high conflict nature of the relationship between her and your DP. It suggests she may be considering a higher proportion of care in the future, too - the CSA assess based on what is actually happening in terms of contact - even if that is in breach of a court order. If she withholds all contact she could contact the CSA and your DP would be liable for higher payments all the while the DCs solely live with her even if he challenges her in court - and you know how long that takes!

You have somewhat reinforced your naivety through your recent posts - if you honestly believe that £45k is not a high salary, then you would do well to read some of the threads elsewhere on MN to see how little some families are managing on.
My DH and I were, a few years ago, earning just over that between us. Now, through redundancy (both of us, less than a year apart) our household income is about half what your DP earns. We still live in the same house, so haven't reduced our housing costs - all our savings have been achieved through economising elsewhere. I am sure with a bit of creative budgeting, you'll be able to pay the CSA each month and still have money available to cover the costs of things you don't want the DCs to miss out on.