Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

My ex pays me the princely sum of 100 pounds a month. Both him and his partner have gone on to have 4 more children, and he has dd EOW. According to him he has the same costs as me for dd and According to him I spend that money on holidays and myself. 100 pounds a month. On myself. Him and his partner have a combined income of over 100k.

Absobloodylootly I would've saying that! I'm just wondering why she dropped the hours. I remember when My dps ex told me very proudly that she'd done some sums and realised that if she worked 2.5 days she would have the same income as if she worked 5 days, then proceeded to change contact so her days off work were also her child free days. I actually knew her manager too and they were always offering her extra hours at work. The days she worked she expected dp to pay for childcare. So I'm no stranger to such things.

Just wondering why, in your case, mum dropped her hours?

Just because it kind of is to do with you. Well, your boyfriend anyway. Because if she had no choice but to drop her hours, then he will want to top up her income so the kids have a decent life during the 50% they are with her, I'd guess.

Nocontact- that's shit then isn't it. I agree your ex should pay more as you have the huge majority burden of cost for the children. That's not the situation for our family though.

• DP has 50:50 residency not EOW

• We have the same costs as ex regarding housing, bills, food, other clothing, etc (with regards to DSC)

• Uniform and school shoes are paid for by DP. Ex buys a few bits but not the expensive bits like shoes and logo'd uniform. Same goes for PE lots and other school items.

• School trips are usually paid for by DP, although sometimes she will pay half but not very often. This includes all those little extra like "workshops" they have in school.

-After school activities are paid for in the main by DP.

I think that's all more than fair. Why on Earth should he pay more. I realise he has to by CSA rules but it's shit. A NRP father who worked part time so could contribute much at all to his ex to help with the children's costs would be told to go out and get a job, any job, to support his kids. Nobody would say well his ex earns more so she can take on a huge majority burden of the costs.

We realise he doesn't have to pay for the "extras" but he doesn't want the DSC to have to stop doing clubs etc. Its all very new and still being worked out and thought about how it will be managed.

We realise he doesn't have to pay for the "extras" but he doesn't want the DSC to have to stop doing clubs etc

Which is probably true, but not what you said up thread when you defended your DPs choice to continue paying the extras, as well as the CSA amount, saying that you manage, and that you consider it unacceptable for your DSC to miss out.

You seem to have tied yourself in knots a bit. I'm also confused about your court action regarding your Ex, which you have posted about extensively and which previously, you have explained is a Section 7 (Children's Act) case. That contradicts what you have said in this thread. Wasn't there some issue with midweek contact that you wanted to sort out?

You have created what professionals would refer to as a chaotic lifestyle for the DCs in your care. Their ages indicate that the split between their parents has been relatively recent (either you or your DP has a DC under 5), since then they have moved homes, have a new sibling, have had a number if different primary carers and care arrangements (btw, who did care for your DSC while your DP worked before you took over?), there is tension between both you and your DP and your respective exes, you are both involved in ongoing legal action, and there is financial pressure on the household. All that against a backdrop of a 50:50 care arrangement which is well documented to not be in the best interests of young DCs. (And yes, I have researched it, given that I agreed it for my own DD).

You may be able to cope with all that. The DCs may not even be showing any signs of being affected right now. But have you stopped to think whether there may be hidden, or long term effects? Have you sought any kind of professional advice to best provide for the DCs that you have chosen to place in an incredibly unusual situation?

Or are you so certain that you are right that your confidence extends to the DCs and you know that they will be fine? Very few parents can claim to be certain - I almost envy you your peace of mind.

Frog, how is that contradicting myself? He doesn't HAVE to (legally) pay for extra things like trips and clubs. However if he doesn't he knows ex won't pay so the kids miss out. I will absolutely defend my DP's choice to continue paying for the extras as I want the DSC to do nice things. It's a brand new scenario as this CSA crap has only just come into play so things haven't had chance to play out and we haven't had chance to see how this will affect us and what it means for extra paid clubs for DSC.

Yes, I have posted on MN about things to do with my own children and contact arrangements with their dad. However it's not at Court and unlikely to be anytime soon if at all.

Your ability to cherry pick which comments you respond to, and which direct questions you ignore, is staggering! In fact, you put my cocker spaniel to shame with the level of selective deafness you display !

OP, I actually do agree with you with regards to the money. I am in a similar situation with my sdc, and I really don't understand why my DP pays child support to exw when we have them more than half the time I stopped my exh paying maintenance to me as we share residency of ds 50/50, so why should he pay me money?

However - I think it's the rest of the stuff that's putting people's backs up.... You come across as smug and holier-than-thou when it comes to talking about exw. You clearly think you're better than her, and perhaps that's the part you should have kept to yourself

Perhaps, as a badly-needed exercise in empathy, OP could imagine the following hypothetical..

Her DP leaves her and goes back to his ex.

He then has 50/50 care of the child he and OP share actual parentage of.

The other woman has care of OP's youngest child, then, 50% of the time, and behaves exactly as OP does now towards that child.

Wouldn't that be interesting...

I think your being unreasonable. You get 50% of the time aNd should work to that schedule. your very lucky to get 50% of the time, I don't think I could give up my children that much. Rightly or wrongly it would kill me

Just have the party on a different dAy, none of my children have had parties on their actual birthday, just the nearest Saturday.

I think that you are far too concerned with the xwife and need to back off.

I agree with brdgrl And is given the princely sum of 150 a month maintentance. If her DP moves on with somebody else I don't think she'd be very happy with the 50/50 shared care and the maintenance and having to juggle childminders and a job and so on round all this. Never mind extra requests for days nearly a year in advance.

Viviennemary- My own DC do 50/50 residency between my home and their father's. It's not nice and yes d prefer my kids all to myself but that's not fair on them and would be selfish of me. I have been a single parent and worked, I know it can be hard!

He pays no maintenance, why the hell should he when he has the same costs as me. My choice and those of me and my now DP together mean I don't work, I can't because we have 6 children in the house. That's not my ex's fault is it? I can't expect him to pay for my choices. If I was a single parent I would have to juggle childcare and work at least part time, but there'd be 2 less children for me to look after so a bit easier.

Just to clarify. DP's ex doesn't have some daily struggle to juggle childcare and work and the kids. This week Mon-Sun she has them Mon Thus and Fri. She is working Mon and Thurs so has Tues Weds Sat and Sun work free and child free. Fair enough, great for her, but why should DP contribute to her household finances because she chooses not to work more?

If DP gives up work do you think his ex should pay him maintenance?

if your dp gave up work then presumably you'd have to get a job. so no, not necessarily. I'd still like to know the circumstances around her only working two days a week.

It sounds a chaotic way to run a home. Kids coming and going and there on different days. So only the new baby is there full time in the house. Sorry OP but it sounds a dire arrangement for all the children involved. You Ex pays no maintentance. You don't earn anything. The financial burden falls on your partner. I don't think there is a solution to this. It should never have got to this stage in the first place.

Children coming and going? What else do children in separated families do? They have to come and go! My children spend a week here then a week with their dad, DP's children come and go more often but with a set pattern planned for the whole year.

Can I ask what your children do Vivienne- if you are separated ?

But Russian , logic in this there's suggests if I worked and DP didn't that money is for my children, I should pay my ex for having the kids. 50:50 and it's be wrong of me to contribute towards DP 's kids. Plus his ex would pay him maintenance!

In reality he'd be called a lazy crap dad for not working more to support his kids and taking maintenance off the poor mother when care is 50/50

I'm not separated. So this hasn't cropped up. But I'm not sure I agree with 50:50 residency as being in the best interests of a child. But that's academic. But a house with six children only one of whom lives there all week, and others that are there on different days. How can chidren have security.

I don't know anybody who has 50:50 shared care. But a few people who go to the other parent for weekends, weeks in the holidays, and other times. But alternate weeks seems a lot better than Mon Wed Thurs at one house and other days at the other house and then perhaps changed the following week.

Sorry but that really confused me mum2be

Lol :) confused myself!

I don't know, Vivienne, different strokes. We've tried a multitude of different things and have now settled on M, T, Th, F, S, S with me one week, then T, Th with me the next. My DSD is a teen so comes and goes as she pleases which can be unsettling for my DD.

It is widely accepted that week on/ week of doesn't work that well for littlies but in some circumstances for some children it can.

So basically your ex pays nothing for his children on your 50/50 arrangement. This is your choice, which you and your ex have made together presumably.

By default your current DP is not only supporting his eldest children but also your children (even though they are not his) and his youngest child with you.

You are not in any type of employment. Again, this is presumably your choice.

And you want to criticise the mother of your step-children for taking maintenance for her children and not working as much as you think she should, even though you don't work at all.

Ok then.

Yes but davidbrent if her ex doesn't pay maintenance it's irrelevant to her ex whether she works or not surely...

Her dp supporting her children is between them as a couple. Technically I support my dsd as my dp is a sahd to all his children and I work but I don't see it like that, we are a family!

Children coming and going? What else do children in separated families do? They have to come and go

Yes, they I, but heather you realise it or not, the circumstances you have described are incredibly unusual - so much so, that there is likely to be a file note on the DCs school record, HV notes etc.

You will have been labelled as a family that may, potentially, need additional support. You may be coping, but if you present to professionals as blinkered to the impact on the DCs as you have on this thread, then those professionals will be keeping a very close eye on the DCs, and potentially raising issues with their other parent if you are as closed to alternate points of view as you have been on this thread.

Do you really think those circumstances are unusual Viviennemary? My ds spends 3/4 nights here and 3/4 nights at his dads on a fortnightly rota. My dsc also have a fortnightly rota with much the same frequency. My dd doesn't see her dad at all, so she's always here.

The children are very happy and well balanced, they get the best of both worlds