Unreasonable?

[mumtobealloveragain]

DP has 50:50 residency if his children and shared residency. We and his ex also alternate their birthdays and Christmas days-which takes priority over the normal pattern, if that makes sense.

This year is our new baby's first birthday. My DP has asked ex to agree to us having an extra day with their children for that day (as with the current pattern they would be with her). We want them here for baby's 1st birthday, family gathering , little tea party etc. She's said no. It's not until the end of the year so not like she already has plans. It's one single day out of the whole year for goodness sake, no big deal for her but it's important to us.

Is this request really that unreasonable? It is normal/ possible for this sort of thing to be written into an Order along with alternate Christmas' etc?

What demands? Its all petty ridiculous stuff to do with the DSC, I'll
list a few of the recent (ish) ones:

• That DP, myself or the children do not engage in conversation with DDC if we see them (at school, the park, shops etc) on days they are with her.

• That I do not attend school events/meetings with DP or instead if him if he can't make it (see below).

-That DP doesn't get involved with school or out of school activities on days that aren't "his" days.

• That the DSC do not have their hair cut with us as she doesn't like the style we choose for them!

• We ensure that DSC do not refer to my children as their brothers and sisters (they do, as do mine) even though they all live together as brothers and sisters and are all young. Oh and that our new baby is referred to as their half sibling not sibling!

• That when we get married I do not put my name on anything to do with the children as it upsets her to think that other people may think that I'm their mum as I will have the same surname as them!

You really need to take a huge step backwards from this situation op, and when you've done that, take another.

It really does appear that you think you can do anything you like regarding these dc as long as YOU feel it's for the best.

It is, in the nicest possible way, nothing to do with you.

mumtobealloveragain,

I'd give up now if I were you. You are speaking with the usual supects who, if you posted that your DSC's mum was a raging alcoholic who was drunk whenever the children were with her, would STILL find you at fault ("Don't you see how arrogant you are being to expect the childrens mother not to be drunk when she sees them, just because you don't get drunk in charge of them doesn't mean she feels the same way. You should count yourself lucky")

You are a step-mother (oh in fact, I am astounded that one of them hasn't already posted that you aren't, actually, because you haven't married your DP) and your place is in the wrong no matter what.

Hang in there, hopefully it wont always be such an issue. It's taken me and my DSD 12 years to have a decent relationship, but once the scales fell from her eyes it got much better.

That paints a very interesting picture OP. I think from those snippets of info I can see exactly why the DSC mum feels the way she does, and why she has said no to your request for extra time with the DSC. I wish her all the luck in the world dealing with you and your DP.

Frogs- I've not been on mumsnet before and have only used this one nickname to post on this board. Someone else said similar to you when I first joined. I think you have me mistaken for someone else.

Who died and made you God of the step parents board?!? Report my post if you think I'm someone else here to harass you.

Perhaps she feels you encroach on enough of her time with them.

You not going to school events is perfectly reasonable.

Your dp not attending, not reasonable.

Haircuts, not bloody worth arguing over.

Your dc AREN'T her dcs siblings.
The half-sister thing, meh, but silly but technically true.

Her fear of you taking over once married?
I think you're halfway there and her fears are justified tbh.

ok, what have I missed?

I have asked MNHQ to either confirm, or to delete the troll hunting posts. The OP has a 'normal' posting history in both this name and one other.

As we are CONSTANTLY being informed and given a kicking about, troll hunting is against the rules of the site.

Unless you are a member of MNHQ, or ask MNHQ to investigate a poster (which they have said they will do previously), then you cannot be certain you are correct, and may well be hurting a genuine poster that has come here for help and advice.

Frogs- Yours making some huge (incorrect) assumptions there. Thriving on an adversarial atmosphere? Simply not true. I do appreciate my views are not always going to be agreed with by other people. Unfortunately, DP's ex strongly disagrees with most of DP's views on raising children. She puts herself, her work and her social life before DSC- that's fine, but she wanted 50:50 residency and it's only made life harder for the children. That may sound like a nasty spiteful comment but it's absolutely correct and we have to try and make the best of that without just giving in to all her demands when they clearly aren't always the best course of action for the children

so....a mother goes out to work and supports herself and her children and that's 'wrong' because it means the children have to go to a childminder when they could be 'cared' for by their stepmother (not their father) who gets to be a stay at home mum. So she's selfish for trying to make life post-separation work for her and she should recognise that it would be better for the children to be brought up by you (not their father) rather than have to do what thousands of other well brought up, well adjusted, working, educated adults had to do - go to a childminder. So what this is really about is how much better a parent you are, how much better off the children would be in your care and how absolutely entitled you are to judge her and encroach on her relationship with her children whenever and however it suits you.

If mum didn't work and stayed at home and looked after her children what would you say then? that she was a scrounger and should be ashamed of herself?

Your comments are patronising, judgemental and you are failing in every way possible to see the bigger picture and the impact this has on your step children. I am pretty sure mum isn't being difficult at all here - she is just desperately trying to preserve her relationship with her children.

I am invited to a family pfb's 1st birthday and I really feel all that travel for something pfb doesn't even know about, what a waste of time and money.
I'd much rather pop in when I can spend time with DCs not make small talk with the DPs friends or hand out sandwiches.

Surely this isn't the same troll from before!

I was totally taken in

what happened before?
I've posted loads on this thread

MNHQ have investigated and have confirmed that there is no reason to believe that OP is not genuine, therefore the troll hunting posts have been removed.

But OP may well have hidden the thread by now.

Well done.

Mumandboys- I said she puts herself, her job and her social life before the children. She does, in many ways, going out and new boyfriends have repeatedly been given priority over the children, basically the same as many non resident parent dads do, the ones we hear about every day on MN! I know it's hard to believe a mother would do that but some really do! I have not said that I think she's an awful mother or even a bad one for working and putting the children in childcare. The only reason I mentioned childcare was that she declined the DSC coming to us for a day to go to the theatre as a treat and then we found out they'd been in childcare all that day anyway, so it seemed crappy not to let them come when they weren't even spending the day with her as an alternative. How you have read that as me thinking working mothers must be shit parents and if she didn't work she'd be a scrounger, I don't know. I don't work at the moment myself!

As for me having the DSC- DP has never asked to have the children more for them to spend time with me and not him. I am a SAHM but I don't really have a choice in that given we have 6 young children between us including a baby and DP works long hours to support us all. I'm not a kept childless woman swanning around attending coffee mornings and having scones for tea at the ritz :)

Honestly, yeah I do think the DSC are better off with us. I think anyone who knows us in RL thinks the same. I think DSC mum knows it too but she's wanting to save face and chased 50:50 residency as her parents out pressure on her to do it. Plus not wanting to face the stigma of being a NRP mum. I

Ltevedallas- thanks. I'm unsure who they think I am or what that person done but I'm not them

she declined the DSC coming to us for a day to go to the theatre as a treat and then we found out they'd been in childcare all that day anyway, so it seemed crappy not to let them come when they weren't even spending the day with her as an alternative

Im at a loose end tonight, so I'm going to persevere. I'll ask a different way, because so far, you've avoided the question several times.

Why is having a trip out to the theatre with you preferable to being in their regular childcare while mum is at work?

You obviously think you would do a much better job of bringing up the children yourself. But this is not an option. Mutual respect and give and take works both ways. You think the DC's mother is doing a hopeless job. I'm afraid if I was her I'd be ensuring I was sticking to the formal arrangment to the letter and not giving you an inch I'm afraid.

I'd give up if I were you op
I don't think it's wrong to want your child's siblings there for a birthday celebration - dp and his xw are flexible and if there's a special occasion on either side then that's where dsd will be as long as there are no prior plans in place.

Many many times on this board I've heard the phrase 'double standards' being touted around and yet incredibly there are a few posters on this thread who fail to see that this exactly what we have here as well. It's ludicrous to say that this mother should bend to the will of the OP 'for the sake of the children', when quite clearly she is faced with this level of hostility, criticism and inequality of time when her children. OP is doing an excellent job of presenting her requests from the mother as 'in the interests of the children', but fails to see that the overwhelming majority of people on here have advised her that expecting here to miss out on time with her children over Christmas for a siblings 1st birthday is ludicrous! Seriously -there are SIX children in the family, just where will a line in the sand be drawn??? How many requests is she supposed to accommodate? And seriously - to say that the mother only got 50-50 on account of the fact the she agreed to be flexible is frankly bullshit and an attempt to make it sound like she has reneged on her end of the deal when it fact, it is her DP who is not sticking to it. I feel that making such an non issue out of this non issue is a deliberate attempt to seek conflict where there is none.
The mother is damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. She allows the extra time - she can't be arsed with her kids, she doesn't allow the time- she a vindictive cow.

Frogs- Are you for real? Why is a day trip to the theatre better than a day with the childminder? I don't even know how to begin to answer that!

Why would any day trip out be worth it then, if being at home not doing much or being in childcare is better. What's better being at home not doing anything special or going in holiday?

Mumtobe,this post nd all your others have now confirmed my belief that you nd your dh wont be happy till you can have the dscs all to yourseves.no matter what their mum does it will never be right.i can see why some other posters think your a previous poster,your views are too similar.i feel for these kids.