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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is ex wife right?

67 replies

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 16:43

Hi everyone, just really need some advice/opinions. My dh has a dd with his ex wife he also has a DSD from that relationship. However th e DSD believes that my dh is her bio dad. He's never played a major part in her life dh and ex were not together long 2 years ish. Ex wife has always just lead her to believe he's not interested in her and favoured the other dd which I suppose really he has as she is his child. Anyway she is now 11 and dh thinks now she should really know who her bio dad is however his ex wife is forbidding it and says she doesn't need to know and he is not to tell her. Is she really right to do this and would it be really wrong for dh to go against her wishes?

OP posts:

sarahquilt · 01/02/2014 17:04

I think it's terrible for the ex to lie to the daughter. Your DP should tell her he's not her dad.

Littlefish · 01/02/2014 17:06

I agree with Sarah. She should be told. Does your dh ever see his dad?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 01/02/2014 17:08

It is not your DH's ex's decision to make. It affects your DH and so it is as much his decision as hers, she can't 'forbid' him from telling the truth

How awful that this poor girl believes her dad just favours her sibling, I can't imagine how damaging that must be

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 17:11

We live quite far away from them due to dhs job we have no choice on where we go, but we do see his dd once a month we visit his parents and she comes to stay there and she comes holidays to stay with us. DSD only visits the weekends if her mum is working as ex uses dhs parents for her childcare.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 17:12

I would be worried about the response of his ex and how it would affect contact.

Morgause · 01/02/2014 17:12

Maybe he should tell the ex that she needs to tell her dd the truth. And give her a time frame. If she doesn't then he will tell her.

balia · 01/02/2014 17:14

That is terrible - why on earth did he go along with it in the first place? I find this sort of thing very hard to be balanced about - I had a friend who was told on her 21 birthday that the man she thought was her Dad wasn't, and that her real father was already dead. She was utterly, utterly devastated.

Presumably there is a reason for the lie - could your DH give her a time frame eg tell her by x date or I will tell her?

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 17:18

He went along with it because he thought the ex would tell her when she thought time was right which turns out she believes is never.

OP posts:

elliebellys · 01/02/2014 17:21

Dsd should never have been told your dh is her dad to start with,your dh must have allowed that to happen aswell as mum.she should be told the truth,but not just by your dh that would be one hell of a shock.poor child .

Maybe83 · 01/02/2014 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 18:16

Presumably your DH agreed to this at one point. If he thought of her as his own for the duration of the relationship (which presumably would be the only reason he went along with it) did he just change his mind at some point? He then along with his ex allowed a poor child to believe that her Dad favoured her sibling. Sounds like a stand up bloke.

She needs to know but it should be done by them both. If his ex won't then I think your husband will have to be the one to do it. I would suggest he tells her close to home as I can imagine any child that gets everything they have ever known ripped from beneath them will be upset and probably won't want to be anywhere near him.

mumandboys123 · 01/02/2014 18:24

I think the ex is wrong but I don't think it's for your partner to tell the child. That's her parent's responsibility when it comes down to it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 19:48

Why do posters think that he consented to this?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 19:59

She hasn't got to 11 years old thinking he is her Dad by him not going along with it...

basgetti · 01/02/2014 20:01

Because the OP says he went along with it in her post.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 20:05

going along with it is not the same as consenting to.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:06

How is it not Boney?

That's exactly what it is.

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 20:08

Yes he shouldn't have gone along with it

OP posts:

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 20:08

Yes he shouldn't have gone along with it

OP posts:

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 20:10

But I do think it's wrong that the poor girl doesn't know the truth and believe the older she gets the bigger impact the truth will have

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 20:11

Really? Consenting to this would mean that the DH and Ex had a meaningful conversation about this.

Nothing in the OP says that they did this.

It sounds more like the DSD has been allowed to believe this and the DH has found out at some point. When questioned the Ex has said that she will tell the DSD in her own time.

I'm not saying that the DH couldn't/shouldn't have done something earlier but there is nothing to suggest that he consented to this.

basgetti · 01/02/2014 20:13

OP did your DP find out about this later or did he agree with his ex at the time to do it?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:18

6brightstars

I think the impact will be massive regardless of age but I do think sooner rather than later is better for her to find out. She will feel massively betrayed by both your husband and her Mum but while she is still young it may be easier for her to forgive.

Original poster

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 20:19

Boneyback you put it howninm!want to. His dsd was a baby when they met and almost 3 when they split so was then lead to believe by her mum her and her sister had same dad my dh but dh favoured his dd

OP posts:

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:23

Boney

go along with verb accede to, acquiesce to, affiliate with, agree to, agree in opinion, agree on, agree with, allow, amalgamate with, approve, arrive at an agreement, assent, associate, band, coadunate, cohere, collaborate, collude, combine, come to an agreement, come to an understanddng, come to terms, comply, concur, confederate, conform, conform to, conjoin, consent, consolidate, conspire, correspond, countenance, echo, give in to, go with, grant, harmonize, join forces with, league with, merge with, pull together, ratify, sanction, side with, stand together, subbit to, unite efforts with, work together with, yield to
Associated concepts: settlement

If he found out later he still didn't correct the situation at the time. It would be awful on the mothers part if she told her child this without this mans knowledge and he found out later but regardless, keeping quiet about it is going along with it (consenting) it may have been grudgingly but he still made that choice.

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