Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

is ex wife right?

67 replies

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 16:43

Hi everyone, just really need some advice/opinions. My dh has a dd with his ex wife he also has a DSD from that relationship. However th e DSD believes that my dh is her bio dad. He's never played a major part in her life dh and ex were not together long 2 years ish. Ex wife has always just lead her to believe he's not interested in her and favoured the other dd which I suppose really he has as she is his child. Anyway she is now 11 and dh thinks now she should really know who her bio dad is however his ex wife is forbidding it and says she doesn't need to know and he is not to tell her. Is she really right to do this and would it be really wrong for dh to go against her wishes?

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:24

My DD is 2.5 6brightstars she can talk very well. Did this child call him Dad when he was still with the mother?

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 20:30

MeepMeep

That is just sophistry. Unless of course you believe that "going along" with something automatically gives "consent".

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:33

Boney I think if you go along with something for 8+ years then you are consenting yes.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 20:36

I can think of several situations there that wouldn't be the case.

But if the OP's DH has brought this up several times and been told that his Ex will deal with it then he is not consenting.

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

volvocowgirl · 01/02/2014 20:46

Morgause's advice is good. DSD should be told as the whole situation could have some far reaching consequences for all involved, particularly DSD.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:48

needaholidaynow

Did you Dad treat your brother like a son though?

I think my major issue with this whole situation is that there is a poor little 11 year old girl who has been led to believe that her Dad doesn't love her as much as he does her sibling. That must break a little girls heart.

With regards to consenting, you weren't complicit in starting the lie and going along with it from the off. That makes if different. When I said going along with something for 8 years was really referring to this particular situation. I don't understand why someone would go along with this if they always new they were going to want the truth to come out in the end. It seems deliberately cruel.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 20:51

" I don't understand why someone would go along with this if they always new they were going to want the truth to come out in the end."

Because they are continually told that the other person will sort the situation out.
Because you are scared of what the other person will do if you tell the DSD that you are not their father.

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 20:56

I think it's nice your brother has had that in his life.

I'm not saying I 100% agree with it being right to lie but I can see why some parents do it. I think in situations like your brothers you just have to hope that he doesn't find out.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 21:03

Because they are continually told that the other person will sort the situation out

Nope, don't see that anywhere. The OP said something along the lines of him thinking the Ex would tell her daughter when the time was right. He thought. We aren't going to agree boney. My mindset isn't about to change, to me he consented.

He went along with something and let a little girl believe she was his daughter and let her watch on as he was a doting Dad to her sibling and not her. It is beyond cruel. I think they should both be ashamed of themselves and in this particular situation I think finding out the truth will be less damaging to her in the long run than living with the emotional neglect she is living with from (who she deems to be) her Dad.

MrCabDriver · 01/02/2014 21:07

I feel horribly sorry for the poor little girl.

I actually think it's mean that your OH has "sidelined" her so to speak once they split up, knowing that she really thinks he's her dad.
But must be very hard for him too though, he must feel torn.

Can he speak to his ex's family about it?
What do they think?

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2014 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 21:18

That's lovely. Hopefully if he ever did find out he would be able to accept it in time given his feelings for his kids and the fact he adopted them. It isn't shared genetics that make you a good parent.

It must be a hard thing for a family to carry around for so long though. Can't imagine the stress of it.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 01/02/2014 21:26

My bro is my half bro in fact. He was a baby when my parents married. He never called my Dad 'Dad' he called him by his name. Me and my Dsis called Dad 'Dad' and that was the distinction. When he was about eight he asked DM why and she told him his dad was called and that he had died before he was born (which was true). He was illegitimate and knew from about the age of ten what that meant. He has never had a chip of any sort on his shoulder. He and my Dad adored each other although they had totally different views on life. It worked well. All in the open from the get go.

I think she needs to be told ASAP in the kindest way possible with both parents present and in agreement. Failing that in the second best way possible.

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2014 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 21:48

Wow needaholidaynow it does sound like he is better off being kept in the dark though. My DDs is not a nice man and I hope she never finds out what he is like for herself.

It must have been very hard for your Mum too. She was so young and I'm sure looking back she wouldn't change the family she has but may regret the decision to keep it from your brother.

I agree at 32 there isn't much that can be done. Realistically they could tell him but I agree it wouldn't be the wisest move to make. Sincerely hope he can live his life without ever finding out. For his sake as much as your parents.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2014 21:53

Meep you are right in that we won't agree on the issue of consent, it is interesting that half way through you qualified you point with in this situation which is different from where you started.

We can agree though that it isn't a good situation for the DSD to be in.

HoneyandRum · 01/02/2014 21:55

It sounds like the OPs DH did just "go along" without really acknowledging his own responsibility by just playing a waiting game and "suddenly" the little girl is 11. As adults the DH and his EX should sit down as Dinnae suggests and tell her together. And I think the DH should continue to see her and do what he can to include her rather than treat her as less important - she is still his DD's sister!

If the EX refuses than as someone up-thread suggested he should give the EX until March 1st to tell her or he will - not over the phone!! And if she considers his parents her grandparents if she has a good relationship with them maybe they can be present - will they want to continue a relationship with her? I hope so, the poor child.

It's very important to be honest - she at least deserves this after the terrible way this has been handled - with apologies.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 01/02/2014 22:00

I said that because I was discussing a different situation with another poster where I have said there is a difference in being complicit in the lie and being an innocent bystander (a child) not a grown man who has let a little girl believe a lie and then not even play a part in the lie It's cruel plain and simple.

I highlighted this because I wanted to make it clear I wasn't implying that she was at fault in any way shape or form in her own family's situation.

Yes 100% agree that it isn't a good situation.

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2014 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 02/02/2014 14:35

So this little girl believes this man to be her daddy, yet she is left out of contact and sees her sibling get more time with her daddy (I'm guessing she knows where her sister goes off to for a week). This is utterly appalling behaviour by your do and his ex and very damaging to dsd/dd. I feel so sorry for this little girl Sad

Kaluki · 03/02/2014 10:59

The ex wife is wrong to refuse to tell her but this isn't showing your DH in a good light either OP.
If he was happy to go along with being her 'dad' while he was with the ex wife then he should continue that commitment. You can't just pick kids up and drop them like that. If he has let her believe he is her dad then he has a responsibility to her and should treat her the same as his bio dd.

Kaluki · 03/02/2014 11:04

Needaholiday - how sad. I know that a relative of mine has a half brother who she knows nothing about. The whole family know about this but her Mum refuses to tell her as her dad had an affair and she doesn't want her to know. But the half brother is well known to the whole family except his half sister. They live in different countries so this has gone on for years. When/if it comes out it will be explosive and the poor girl will be devastated but nobody wants to be the one to set that bomb off so we all keep stum!!!

wannaBe · 03/02/2014 11:59

your 'd' h is a prize arsehole.

For eight years he has allowed a child to believe that he is her father, and that he loves her sister more than her. There is no way to defend this. none.

It is one thing to bring up a child as your own and to never let her know you're not her biological parent, it is quite another raise her for the first three years of her life and to then abandon her while you shower all your love on to her sibling, while leaving her to believe you are her father and that you just don't love her. despicable. I don't give a shit what the mum says is/isn't allowed, if someone goes along with that they are just as much, in fact I would say more to blame actually, for the emotional damage to the child.

And let's bear in mind here that this isn't just about the child finding out her dad isn't her dad, it's about finding out her whole extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins aren't her family. Way to screw up a child.

Needaholidaynow I can see tbh why your brother was potentially never told. I think it's one of those things that there's never a right time potentially and the longer time goes on the harder it is. Made more difficult though by the fact the rest of the family knows.