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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is ex wife right?

67 replies

6brightstars · 01/02/2014 16:43

Hi everyone, just really need some advice/opinions. My dh has a dd with his ex wife he also has a DSD from that relationship. However th e DSD believes that my dh is her bio dad. He's never played a major part in her life dh and ex were not together long 2 years ish. Ex wife has always just lead her to believe he's not interested in her and favoured the other dd which I suppose really he has as she is his child. Anyway she is now 11 and dh thinks now she should really know who her bio dad is however his ex wife is forbidding it and says she doesn't need to know and he is not to tell her. Is she really right to do this and would it be really wrong for dh to go against her wishes?

OP posts:

Original poster

6brightstars · 03/02/2014 17:29

Wow thanks for that. Let's just put the blame on my dh. He wanted to tell her on numerous occasions it is her mother that stopped it saying she would tell her when she was older and ready. Shes now 11 and decided to never tell her. The question I asked was was it right for her to do this.

OP posts:

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 17:37

He may have wanted to tell her OP but he never did. Instead he has continued a form of emotional abuse on a young girl. He isn't all sweetness and light in this.

It's has been 8 years since they split with plenty opportunity to sort this so don't be surprised people think his actions are vile. They are.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 17:38

And I don't think people are putting all the blame on your husband, there are faults on both sides.

wannaBe · 03/02/2014 17:41

yep, let's blame the 'd'h. the ex is just as much to blame fwiw but he is to blame and deserves all the criticism he gets.

ShesYourDaughter · 03/02/2014 17:43

Kinda agree a bit with wannabe....

I can't see how the conversation can possibly go anywhere the lines of 'but I love you as if you were my own daughter' when your partner has let her obviously think that he doesn't for so long.

I'd be terrified that you would destroy this young girl, her worst fears will be validated, she'll have no trust in her adopted dad and she'll probably resent her adopted mum into the bargain. How she'll react is anyone's guess but I'd bet on not well.

Does your partner have any interest in trying to build that relationship with her ? Might be better to build that love and trust and wait until she's older.

It's a horrible situation to be in, I have no idea when the right time to tell an adopted child is, but 11 is a tender age?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 17:49

She isn't adopted they lied and said she was his when she wasn't.

OneStepCloser · 03/02/2014 18:06

I being a bit thick here but is it his DSD thinks hes her father but he doesnt have the same contact with her as his DD? Is that right?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 18:07

Yeah pretty much.

Original poster

6brightstars · 03/02/2014 18:11

Yes and that was her mums choice she didn't want him to have contact. She just allows his parents contact as they have both dcs while she works

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 03/02/2014 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2014 18:17

"Yes and that was her mums choice she didn't want him to have contact. She just allows his parents contact as they have both dcs while she works"

A bit of a "drip feed" but the last post of 6brightstars is also fairly key in that the mother didn't/doesn't allow contact.

I don't think that the looks good in this but if the last post is true it could have been sometime before the "D"H new of the situation. (yes he should have sorted the situation straight away but hindsight is a wonderful thing)

OneStepCloser · 03/02/2014 18:23

The poor girl though, what must she think? Her father sees her sister but not her, blimey that would mess anyones head up. Your dh should really tell her, it shouldnt have been left this long, stuff the mother its not about her.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 18:23

OP that is a massive drip feed but at face value that's a shame for the girl and your husband if he wanted contact but it still doesn't take away from the fact he allowed it to go on for 8 years. That's cruel. The ultimatum should have come a long time ago.

daisychain01 · 04/02/2014 06:35

Is she really right to do this and would it be really wrong for dh to go against her wishes?

Going back to your original question, brightstars, maybe I am missing something here but what is the reason you are now asking whether your DH should go against her wishes?

Why has it taken so long for him to finally do that? Has something happened recently that has bought this to a head? What do you think was stopping him over the years?

Not judging, just asking whether your DH has talked in more detail than just "my Ex stopped me saying something"

Kaluki · 04/02/2014 11:08

But when a man takes on a child in this way surely the assumption is that it is for life. If he was happy at the time to be her dad then that was a commitment to her for life. If the ex had said his bio dd didn't want to see him he would have fought this so surely both girls should have had the same treatment. Its a cop out to say his ex wouldn't let him see her - he should have fought to see her.

MillyONaire · 04/02/2014 11:14

Far more damaging to her to believe that her Dad favours her younger sister than to realise her actual dad may just not be interested......

Mynabrid · 13/02/2014 22:01

Wow, what a crappy thing to have to tell a child. She does need to know though, as otherwise she will continue to be damaged by her belief that she is the second best child, which from the circumstances in which dh sees her, she will definitely be feeling. The main part of the telling should be reassurances that she is loved, cared about and welcome to visit when she likes (if that is the case).

It is important to take some advice on how to tackle this though... Maybe contact a local family/contact centre/Social services adoption and fostering services/CAMHS team for some advice as they deal with similar situations a lot. A child therapist/clinical therapist might be able to help or direct you to information that might help. It may also be worth contacting her school before he does it, explain the situation to them and ask for some individual counselling/support to be put in place for her for after he tells her as this is going to turn her whole world upside down. For whatever reason he allowed this lie to manifest, if he tells her the truth, he should take some responsibility for the fallout.

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