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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Telling partner's daughter we're expecting and his ex stalking me on facebook

119 replies

Angelina77 · 09/01/2014 14:04

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we've been forced into a situation we'd tried to avoid (i.e. his ex finding out I'm pregnant and telling their daughter - even though he asked her not to).

He got a strange text saying "I've got a feeling you're expecting a baby, congratulations" and we had no idea how she had found out until he asked and she replied "it's plastered all over facebook!" Now, call me naive but I didn't realise my scan pic that I posted for the benefit of foreign relatives could be viewed by any weirdo who wants to check me out. Anyway, I've changed the settings now so (hopefully) she can't see my page.

She got very aggressive with him when he asked her not to say anything to the daughter (5yo) as he wanted to tell her himself so now we have to deal with whatever rubbish she's said to her in the 2 weeks since we saw her last.

Does anyone have any advice on counter-acting any negative things she might have said to her? I particularly don't want her to think of her brother/sister as a 'half' sibling, or for her to worry about being second best or any other rubbish she may have said. We're planning to take her to our gender scan this weekend, good idea or bad?

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 10/01/2014 15:23

My friend had the same situation.

IMO, there's no point crying over spilt milk. She's seen it. I would personally 'apologise' (i.e. We are sorry you had to find out that way or something along those lines) and move on. Hold your head up high and don't stoop to doing anything silly.

And start thinking now about how you are announcing the baby's birth.

Good luck.

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:30

SantanaLopez whilst I agree with the rest of the post - why should she apologise to the ex for it? I am not trying to antagonise but I am genuinely a bit flummoxed by this. It wasn't her fault that the ex found out this way - it was the ex's. Surely the ex should apologise to OP and her DP for being nosey and then sending a sarcastic text about it instead of being the better person and waiting until she could have a proper conversation about it?

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 15:31

Sanity I'm starting to see what all the SM's mean on here now, i.e. it's a very difficult position to be in and you can't win in most situations.

Santana no-one's apologising, that's just ridiculous. And as far as 'announcing the baby's birth' what do you mean? I was planning to book a skywriter to fly over ex's house - or is that too much? Maybe I could combine the apology and the announcement with a barbershop quartet?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 10/01/2014 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShesYourDaughter · 10/01/2014 15:38

Oh people, give up on the stalking debate!

Angelina has made it quite clear that was a turn of phrase, and not the underlying problem.

Whether a 5 yr old will be that damaged by the news if she were to be told by accident I'm not sure. She might come rushing home in tears, excited or just confused. She may not even draw the connection between her dad and Angelina bring pregnant.

We can never know exactly what she might have heard, or how she would react. Or how she's going to react when her dad does tell her. Oddly it might be that your partner and his ex should tell her together, that way they can reassure her both her parents still love her.

All three of you might be ideal, I can understand how that might not be possible though.

We have a dsd who was constantly promised a horse over several birthdays and xmases by her dad. It never came. She was upset but got over it soon enough each time. she still loves her dad to bits, just maybe realises he makes promises he can't keep sometimes.

I know a horse is not a baby, but kids at that age don't think about things in anywhere near the same way as adults so don't put an adults perspective on how she will react.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 15:38

well so far the words you have used to describe your 'partners daughters' mother have been 'crazy' 'borderline obsessive' 'aggressive' 'not sane' 'stalker' 'talking rubbish' and probably a bit more if i could be arsed to go thro the whole thread.
you really do sound quite unpleasant and worse than that, pretending to be all lovely and caring.
One day when your DP dumps you and leaves you as a single mother with a small child, you might change your tune.

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:43

Angelina77 Its is true you are damned if you do and damned if you don't but it isn't all bad if you have a good relationship with the SD.

I am no angel, I have made mistakes as a sm and an m but then who hasn't?

I have used this board for a while now and I find it helpful to see both sides so sometimes look at lone parents section also so that I can see things from ex's side as well. In all honesty I do see her side of things better now - regardless of whether I think she is right and therefore it has helped me in they way I react or cope with situations. That said I have been SM to the kids for nearly 10 years now and things have calmed a lot but we do still get occasional drama.

ShesYourDaughter · 10/01/2014 15:43

Nigellas

Isn't this supposed to be a supportive helpful forum?

I can't see what good you are doing interpreting the phrases used here and creating your own image of the op based on your own interpretations? You've put a lot of effort into dissecting, copying and pasting to reinforce your creation.

I never really understood what trolling was, I think I do now.

Do you have any positive suggestions as to how to break the subject to a five year old?

Maryz · 10/01/2014 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:48

One day when your DP dumps you and leaves you as a single mother with a small child, you might change your tune.

Projecting much Nigellas - are you are sm?

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 15:49

yers maryz i have, in fact usually I am perfectly pleasant you will find.
i know we are supposed to be 'supportive' but sometimes just stroking someone and telling them that they are lovely is hard to do you know?
best i leave this thread then bye.

SantanaLopez · 10/01/2014 15:51

Note the quotation marks- not an apology as such. I don't see the need to put this woman's back up even more.

Re announcing the baby's birth- it's a minefield. You have to make sure everyone finds out in the right order, if you know what I mean.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 15:53

oh and before I go, no my husband did not leave me and impregnate another woman

needaholidaynow · 10/01/2014 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:55

And not a SM either

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:57

Sorry posted too early - And not a SM either Nigellas?

ShesYourDaughter · 10/01/2014 16:00

Well that was fun !!

All the best Angelina, if you can turn this pregnancy into shared good times with your sd then that's a great outcome.

But a healthy pregnancy and baby are more important so don't let any issues get in the way of that!

waltermittymissus · 10/01/2014 16:00

Nigellas - yes you need to leave the thread and have a big glass of get over yourself.

when your dp dumps you blah blah blah just makes you sound bitter, neurotic and not worth listening to!

FeelingTheFire · 10/01/2014 16:01

Ok, I get your upset she's been snooping around on facebook but it's probably natural curiosity. And if your profile was open for all to view at the time then it's not really her fault.

Her text to you both says congratulations - which doesn't seem like too bad a response. Better than DH and I got when we told his ex...

I'd just forget about how she found out, set your FB to private and just concentrate on including DSD throughout the next couple of months with it. Let her be involved as little or as much as she wants to be.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 16:07

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the comments, even the negative ones. As sanity says, it's good to see it from both sides.

I'll report back after this weekend (if anyone's interested) and let you know how it goes :)

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 10/01/2014 16:09

Good luck!

caramelwaffle · 10/01/2014 23:33

Good luck.

Riakin · 11/01/2014 00:09

Hi a

Riakin · 11/01/2014 00:34

Hi angelina, will just clarify, your DH ex looking up this info is very concerning. Don't listen to some of the posters here they just have an axe to grind.

It's such a shame, I hope this is not the case for you as it has been for some. I would be very surprised if your DH ex doesn't mention the pregnancy. Women like this operate solely to cause as much emotional upset to one or more of their targets. If this is at the emotional harm of the child that doesn't matter one iota.

This behaviour is not loneliness or feeling sad/depressed it a mental illness imo. It is your personal information that has been deliberately searched up and then in all likelihood disclosed to as many parties as possible. You can find out anything about anyone on the internet but why the hell would you just to play mind games etc. It is traits of the much (mumsnet) vaunted narc. They are attempting to make you feel uncomfortable and under pressure, there is logically no other reason for doing so.

Hope you get to announce this to your SC and don't tell exw about gender scan. Interesting one, don't know if any legal eagles on here can say they have had similar but dad wanted to take DD to gender scan (booked a 4D one) and requested with ICO that DCD be allowed to go. Ex said "over my dead body seeing that spawn" (this is before a DJ BTW) and no order was granted for the interim for such a massive event in a child's life! Hope you don't need to involve Courts at the point when you DC is born as "half" siblings are not considered one iota in the family courts and I've been party to more proceedings than I care to recount where courts do not consider it in the child's best interests to see or spend time with a sibling.

All the best

flowerpotgirl12 · 11/01/2014 11:21

I am really surprised by the negative comments you've received. you had every right to tell your family on fb with the thought it wouldn't get back to the ex. you have no one in common so she actively had to look you up and find your page, which in my opinion is a little odd. regardless your sd is your main concern (despite what some are suggesting) the only thing you can do is react to her questions and feelings which you won't know until she arrives but I think making sure she knows that she is still important and that the baby is her sibling. good luck

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