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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Telling partner's daughter we're expecting and his ex stalking me on facebook

119 replies

Angelina77 · 09/01/2014 14:04

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we've been forced into a situation we'd tried to avoid (i.e. his ex finding out I'm pregnant and telling their daughter - even though he asked her not to).

He got a strange text saying "I've got a feeling you're expecting a baby, congratulations" and we had no idea how she had found out until he asked and she replied "it's plastered all over facebook!" Now, call me naive but I didn't realise my scan pic that I posted for the benefit of foreign relatives could be viewed by any weirdo who wants to check me out. Anyway, I've changed the settings now so (hopefully) she can't see my page.

She got very aggressive with him when he asked her not to say anything to the daughter (5yo) as he wanted to tell her himself so now we have to deal with whatever rubbish she's said to her in the 2 weeks since we saw her last.

Does anyone have any advice on counter-acting any negative things she might have said to her? I particularly don't want her to think of her brother/sister as a 'half' sibling, or for her to worry about being second best or any other rubbish she may have said. We're planning to take her to our gender scan this weekend, good idea or bad?

OP posts:

cavell · 10/01/2014 14:19

I have a friend whose partner of 10 years left her a couple of years ago. She didn't see it coming and still hasn't got over it.

My friend has told me of lonely evenings looking at her ex-partner's facebook page to see what he is doing. And she has looked up his new girlfriend's facebook page just to try to understand things, to see what the new woman "has" that she somehow lacks.

You might call such behaviour "stalking". I call it unhappiness and loneliness.

Wallison · 10/01/2014 14:21

I also do not think it is 'borderline obsessive' to read something that another person has publicly shared. If it's taken her two weeks to see the pictures, she is hardly sitting on her laptop 24/7 repeatedly clicking 'refresh'. And your main concern throughout this thread seems to be not for your step-daughter, who you repeatedly refer to as your boyfriend's daughter, but more wanting to paint yourself as a victim ... of what, exactly?

Look, you've handled it badly. But it's not the end of the world. Why can't your boyfriend go and see your step-daughter and talk to her about her new sibling before he next has access, if you're so worried about her?

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:22

Maybe, I don't intend to do anything more regarding the FB thing, I'm just responding to the comments on here.

The thread is more about how to handle the situation with my partner's daughter, I just mentioned the FB thing because it's why we're deailng with it sooner than we'd have liked and also one of the reasons I'm concerned her mother might not deal with it in the best way.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 14:26

i do not actually get the impression you give a toss about your 'partner's daughter' and your 'concern' sounds fake. sorry.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:30

Cavell if that was the case then it would be really sad but as she has a new partner who is about to move in I don't think it's about her not getting over him.

Wallison I didn't 'publicly share' anything, she went out of her way to find out. Any sane person can see that.

I refer to her as 'my partner's daughter' because we're not married. It's just semantics, it doesn't change the way I feel about her. I don't feel like a victim, I wanted advice on how to deal with the little girls' feelings considering she may have heard negative things from her mother. I think it's a massive thing that I don't want to get wrong, people on here have been through it, hence the post.

OP posts:

Wallison · 10/01/2014 14:32

If you think that clicking on a publicly available page on the internet is indicative of someone going out of their way to do something, you must lead a pretty indolent life.

Casmama · 10/01/2014 14:33

I'm not sure it is your decision to give this little girl sex education. If her mother has told her about fairy dust and magic then you need to leave it at that.

I think your best bet is for your DP to apologise to his ex that was how she had to find out and ask what she has said to their daughter because you both want to handle it as sensitively as possible.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:35

Nigella don't be sorry, I forgive you.

Wallison we'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's weird and intrusive, you think it's perfectly normal, others have come down on either side. As I said, she can't see it now so it's no longer an issue.

OP posts:

Casmama · 10/01/2014 14:36

It is not an issue of sanity- you did publicly share it- even if it was unintentional.
If you had published it in a newspaper you would not have blamed her for reading it- you "published" it on the Internet. All she is guilty of in that respect is being a bit nosey about the woman acting as a step parent to her young daughter.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:40

Casmama this is what I'm planning to do:-

LO: "how did the baby get in there?"
Me: "how do you think it got in there?"
LO: "my mummy said [insert suggestion here]"
Me: "well she's absolutely right"

There are many possibilities of what she will say, along with "I don't know" so with nothing to go on I'll just have to do my best

OP posts:

MillyONaire · 10/01/2014 14:41

When we told sd we told her mother first, then her. They both wept and wailed and sd said but I thought you'd get back together (her parents were separated 9 years at that stage, we were married 4 years...) it ended with dh apologising!!! Anyway, not a good start. The relationship between dh and his ex and their dd has always been tricky with the ex actively despising dh for the past 25 years and holding back nothing when it comes to sharing her opinions with their dd however DSD has always been absolutely lovely and generous (kind) to our dd (even when she hated me and her dad) and that, at this stage, is what matters (my dd is 11; dsd is 22).

PourquoiPas · 10/01/2014 14:42

I think it is very insensitive to put the news of your pregnancy on Facebook before telling your stepdaughter. You could easily have found yourself in a position where a stranger (to her at least) asked her if she was excited about the new baby before you had got around to telling her.

A friend recently kept baby news from her children until after the twenty week scan (which in itself is fair enough) BUT she didn't put anything on Facebook and made it clear to the people she told in person that the children didn't know yet.

Yes ideally your DH's ex shouldn't be looking on Facebook, that is a bit intrusive, but I think you were in the wrong.

Casmama · 10/01/2014 14:43

Fair enough. Hope it goes well and you never know - the ex may not have said anything negative- she surely has her DDs best interests at heart.

MillyONaire · 10/01/2014 14:45

Oh and...I took dsd to the scan as I did with my dd when she was going to be a big sister at the age of 5 - I would recommend it.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:50

Milly we knew there would be some tension about it, that's why we came up with a plan which we were both happy with. Sadly it didn't work out like that.

Pourqoi I've gone over it already but ex and daughter live in another town. We made sure that we didn't tell any of partner's freinds or relatives who also live in that town before we told her.

My connections on FB consist of family members and friends who have no connection to ex, her family, or anyone she is likley to know. All of whom live many miles away from ex and daughter. So your example could not have happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:52

Casmama I really hope so, I will find out in a few hours when she comes to us for the weekend.

Milly thanks, we're going on Sunday, I can't wait :)

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 10/01/2014 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrownPaint · 10/01/2014 14:56

OP, I think you're being given a bit of a hard time here. I can understand why you did what you did. You have a small Facebook group and assumed that a 5 yr old wouldn't find out about something on the internet.

It is up to you to choose when you tell individuals.

Hopefully all will work out. If she's happy with a new partner then it does seem strange that she's having a look at Facebook to see what you're up to...

Congrats on the pregnancy.

waltermittymissus · 10/01/2014 14:59

I think your best bet is for your DP to apologise to his ex

Are you having a laugh?

Apologise to the ex because OP shared her scan picture on her own FB page for the benefit of her own family living in a different country, and the ex who was only being nosy, found out?

You would be mad to apologise. Absolutely mad!

Like I said upthread, we told ex before we told sd but if we hadn't would I be apologising because she found out though snooping? Would I fuck!

OutragedFromLeeds · 10/01/2014 15:08

I don't think the checking facebook is odd at all. You're effectively a stranger, who spends large amounts of time with her DD. Having an occasional look at what you post on a publicly available website seems completely normal to me. You say you would never post pictures of her DD, but she doesn't know that, maybe she's checking to make sure there are no pictures up?

When your baby arrives, believe me, you will take an interest in the people he or she spends time with (particularly when you are not there and are fairly powerless to stop the access).

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 15:10

Natasha haha, the thought did cross my mind but I knew it would only make matters worse.

Thanks Brown, I hope she's calmed down a bit now (it's been 2 weeks since the texts) and we can just get on with it with no more drama.

Walter that's what I thought! thanks for putting it better than I could :)

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 10/01/2014 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 15:14

Outraged it's a fair point, but I'd prefer her to just say "please don't post any pics of my daughter on FB". Now she's none the wiser so it's backfired. I'm thinking of sending her a letter, as a previous poster suggested, so we can get things like this in the open. We've never spoken to each other and I think if it stays like that the tensions will get worse.

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 10/01/2014 15:16

I don't think looking at something publicly available, occasionally, actually counts as stalking Natasha.

sanityseeker75 · 10/01/2014 15:20

I also think you have been given a tough time by some posters.

You have been criticised for daring to let family know before your partners daughter (whilst I get facebook is public his ex was still nosey and you know what they say about curiosity....).

You have been criticised for referring to the lo as boyfriends daughter - therefore you clearly don't care (yet had you had the audacity to call her sd someone would have flamed you because you are not SM as you and DP are not married....)

You are over stepping by talking about babies as that is not your place because she is not your child and you need to apologise to the nosey one that she came across something that she wouldn't have if she hadn't been snooping (once again refer to well know curiosity saying!

I think stalking is probably taking it far but I wouldn't worry about ex saying negative things. You do not know if she has yet and even if she does, which lets face it is possible, then worrying about it won't help just deal with issues as they arise but certainly make your DS involved in your own way and ensure that she knows that she plays an important part of new babies life and remains a very important part of yours and DP's life.

Good Luck :)

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