Telling partner's daughter we're expecting and his ex stalking me on facebook

[Angelina77]

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we've been forced into a situation we'd tried to avoid (i.e. his ex finding out I'm pregnant and telling their daughter - even though he asked her not to).

He got a strange text saying "I've got a feeling you're expecting a baby, congratulations" and we had no idea how she had found out until he asked and she replied "it's plastered all over facebook!" Now, call me naive but I didn't realise my scan pic that I posted for the benefit of foreign relatives could be viewed by any weirdo who wants to check me out. Anyway, I've changed the settings now so (hopefully) she can't see my page.

She got very aggressive with him when he asked her not to say anything to the daughter (5yo) as he wanted to tell her himself so now we have to deal with whatever rubbish she's said to her in the 2 weeks since we saw her last.

Does anyone have any advice on counter-acting any negative things she might have said to her? I particularly don't want her to think of her brother/sister as a 'half' sibling, or for her to worry about being second best or any other rubbish she may have said. We're planning to take her to our gender scan this weekend, good idea or bad?

There are a lot of biased posts on this thread IMO.

gosh just checked back in and seen the debate raging here... FWIW someone asked way upthread why someone might not be thrilled about their children's other parent moving on. I can't comment on a lot of the stuff that came after that, but from a very gentle perspective, I think it wouldn't be crazy or obsessive etc for anyone to be a little sad about their ex (and father/mother or their child) to be starting a new family.

A couple of things that come to mind are...
There is something about your child's other parent doing it over, possibly doing it better, taking a 'second chance' to parent full time when it's your children who are the 'first attempt'. Both parents are responsible, often. But that doesn't make it painless to see your ex start over. Nor does it mean the XP isn't over them, or that they are a raging lunatic with criminal tendencies hell bent on screwing with everyone (usually).

It's part of a grieving process to reach acceptance over these things. It doesn't make you insane or vicious if you experience a stage of anger, disappointment, depression etc. It makes you pretty normal. I doubt anyone (OP included) can say they planned a pregnancy with the absolute understanding they would go through a painful breakup and then try to navigate co-parenting. It's not a plan, it just happens sometimes. Anyone who's been through a grieving process knows it's not neat and linear. There are bumps in the road, things that throw you back into a state of heightened emotion. That's being human.

I hope that the OP can see her partners XP as just a normal human, because honestly when I go through ups and downs with my XH and his new DP the biggest obstacle for all of us is demonising each other. We're all people muddling through. We're not perfect, but we're not the devil incarnate either. Stepping back from the situation and assuming that the other side of the fence is populated by people much like us, is probably a good idea. After all, we all get back what we're given in relationships. If you approach someone with suspicion, anger, distrust etc you're going to get it reflected back, no?

that's wonderful, nefelibata. Exactly how it is for many, I'm sure.

As for Facebook - if you're an adult and you're using adult social networking sites, you kind of have a responsibility to understand how it works and what that means to you and your life. It's not someone else's fault that you didn't understand that your information might be public unless you took action to change that. There is a lot of information out there about us - much of it posted ourselves. Taking time to understand what that means for us is essential. Blaming others for what they do with the footprint we have left ourselves is a bit....silly. In my opinion, anyway.

it was me who asked - that's very interesting, thanks for sharing

happy to share. I read almost everything on the step parenting board, because although I'm not a step (yet, who knows what the future holds) my children have a SM. And I don't know her, we have no contact. So I try to the best of my ability to be aware of what challenges she, my XH and as a result, our children, might be facing. It really helps me to see the other side of the fence and know that what I experience with them is only one piece of the puzzle.

I don't post often because it's rarely the DM's opinion that is asked for, but every now and then I think it might be helpful.

What a strange situation. It sounds like you're dealing with it as best you can.

Unless this has happened to you, you cannot understand how awful it is. Only the op can say for sure how creepy this woman is...I speak from experience!! I have at times felt like I was going insane. When you first meet someone you check out their stories about their exes (or maybe just me). I wanted to make sure that she was well off the scene so you look on social networking etc. Everytime I changed my profile pic she changed hers and yes I shouldn't be looking really but she did. She changed her job title to mine, yes really!! Accused me of child abuse when I had contact with her child! So I deleted alll my social networking because it was making me angry and was getting to the point where I would no longer be able to keep my cool and would make myself look like the crazy maker! Years later she is still doing creepy things like applying for a job with my company! Why would you do that?? Urgh seriously its weird her looking at your profile this far down the line.
Guess what I am in the same boat and know some serious will hit the fan when she finds out but my plan is to tell the child and then he can text her to say whats been going on at the same time. They are exes plain and simple the child is the main focus and their feelings.

myusername....so you're allowed to 'stalk' on Facebook but the ex isn't?

DP's ex has stalked me on fb for years, I'm not really bothered, I have nothing to hide and if she's that unhappy with her life that she even has the inclination or interest to look then she can go ahead, it's just jealousy.

Luckily we managed to keep our pregnancy secret from ex or fb before we told the children at around 14 weeks (I noticed DSD looking at my expanding waistline so decided it was time)

We just always talked about the positives of the baby and tried to keep them as involved as possible. We asked the kids for their ideas about names and talked about how they can help with stuff etc.

Baby is now 1 and there's never been any negativity about her from the kids, they love her to pieces. DSD has complained once or twice about not always being able to do the things they want to, eg trips to the cinema or ice skating etc aren't always possible. But on the whole them getting a new sister has always been a positive thing.

We always say 'sister' never half or step. If your DSD's mum tells her baby is a step or half sibling, so what? U just tell her 'aww that's your baby sister/brother' she's going to here it from u more than her mum. Anyway, what is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet x

It'll be fine. With any luck the ex might finally realise your dp has moved on and stop caring what you and him are up to x

I looked her up in 1 day thats not stalking thats just morbid curiosity on my part. Never looked again wasn't interested.

I struggle to understand the need not to tell the ex when there are young children involved.They ask questions at all time, it is not confined to your house and contact time.

My Ex is expecting with his new DP, my DCs were told at a very bad time for the family, they were then told they would lose their room at Ex house and have to sleep in the loft and share their daddy even more!

Discussion of said new arrival has been non existent - they come to me with their questions. Having to remain positive and cheery, when it is obvious your DCs are hurting is hard. It should not be me telling them that Daddy will still love them and will see them - when I know damn well, he will see them less and they will be even less welcome than they are already.

You stuck it on facebook, your problem. Her page comes up on mine as a potential contact due to mutual friends - not stalking at all.

I check out people's profiles on FB sometimes and will admit to having looked at my ex's DW's profile. I was just wanting to get a sense of who she is. You hear things via the kids but hard from what children tell you to piece things together sometimes. She gives the impression via things the kids say that she'd rather they weren't around. I was curious to know whether she'd mentioned them at all (she hadn't). I may be a bit nosey but it's definitely not stalking - I just consider FB to be public really. When someone's spending a lot of time with your DCs but you've hardly met them I think it's quite natural to be a bit curious about them.

How did it go telling your DSD, OK?
Hope she's looking forward to it :)

Well she definitely told her, we would've preferred to tell her but it's not the end of the world. The first thing she wanted to do was hear the baby with the doppler and she's generally been very positive (and not asked any awkward questions).

We went to the scan today and she loved seeing her little brother on the screen. She's talked about sharing toys and teaching him to do things.

I'm sure she will talk a lot about it at home as it sinks in more. Hopefully her Mum has come to terms with it more now so with any luck there won't be any drama.

Glad to hear it Angelina :)

Thats good, glad she is happy about the new baby. I didnt tell ds2 I was pg until 25 weeks last time.

And ds2 was 10 at the time

That's nice. Enjoy sharing your excitement with her :)

That's good news. Perhaps mum is more on board with it not affecting your dsd than you think.