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Original poster

Telling partner's daughter we're expecting and his ex stalking me on facebook

119 replies

Angelina77 · 09/01/2014 14:04

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we've been forced into a situation we'd tried to avoid (i.e. his ex finding out I'm pregnant and telling their daughter - even though he asked her not to).

He got a strange text saying "I've got a feeling you're expecting a baby, congratulations" and we had no idea how she had found out until he asked and she replied "it's plastered all over facebook!" Now, call me naive but I didn't realise my scan pic that I posted for the benefit of foreign relatives could be viewed by any weirdo who wants to check me out. Anyway, I've changed the settings now so (hopefully) she can't see my page.

She got very aggressive with him when he asked her not to say anything to the daughter (5yo) as he wanted to tell her himself so now we have to deal with whatever rubbish she's said to her in the 2 weeks since we saw her last.

Does anyone have any advice on counter-acting any negative things she might have said to her? I particularly don't want her to think of her brother/sister as a 'half' sibling, or for her to worry about being second best or any other rubbish she may have said. We're planning to take her to our gender scan this weekend, good idea or bad?

OP posts:
LooseTheBlubber · 10/01/2014 12:24

You should have held back and told everyone at the same time, after the twenty week scan. It is done now.

Enjoy your pregnancy for the positives in your life, rather than focus on someone else.

Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 12:33

Loose why should I have done that? This is my first baby after 2 MCs and you think I should've kept it to myself just in case my partner's ex found out and told her daughter eariler than we would've liked?

And the only person I'm focussing on (other than my unborn child) is my partner's daughter, who I care about very much.

By the way it's 'lose' not 'loose' as in 'lose some weight' not 'loose lips sink ships'. Unless you mean it terms of 'unleash the blubber' - HTH.

OP posts:
CountryGal13 · 10/01/2014 12:45

There have been some ridiculous responses to this post.

How selfish of your OH to move on and make a life for himself with you, aka as 'the new squeeze'. Now his poor ex has to 'deal' with your new child!? Surely it would have been better if he'd just been lonely and depressed for ever more just to spare her feelings.

The main concern from your op is the you want your sd to accept the new baby as a sibling and to feel happy and included. You sound like a great sm. Good luck to you.

caramelwaffle · 10/01/2014 12:45

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Don't let others take any joy of it away from you; after two MC, take care to look after yourself.

Thanks
Maybe83 · 10/01/2014 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyDilbert · 10/01/2014 12:48

I think the father should have told his daughter about the new sibling first. I also think you need to change your facebook settings so they are totally private and only your chosen friends can see any updates/photos etc.

SandyDilbert · 10/01/2014 12:49

and you can also block the ex from seeing your facebook at all if you wish. In privacy you can block users so they can't even find you.

Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 12:57

Thank you country and caramel, I know I shouldn't bite. In a way though, getting negative responses makes me realise what I might be up against.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 13:00

Sandy, yes I've changed the settings now so hopefully she won't be able to see it any more. Failing that I might just close my account, it's not worth the hassle.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 10/01/2014 13:14

I'm not sure you can completely protect photos on FB. I think if other people comment on them, then they become visible to their friends, even if you've got your privacy settings set to restrict them to friends only.

Better to send an email for things you don't want public.

You can block users, though you'd need to find their FB page first...

LooseTheBlubber · 10/01/2014 13:14

Wow you sound like you have a lot of growing up to do in the next few weeks.

SandyDilbert · 10/01/2014 13:24

you can limit past posts and limit the audience for your photos in the privacy settings on FB - click on the cog on the top right and go from there. You may have to click on photos individually to change who can see them.

If yo click on the padlock you can even 'view as' so see what your page looks like to folk who you are not friends with.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 13:29

using facebook is like using a public noticeboard - fgs she is not 'stalking you' she is just looking like anyone can - do not flatter yourself .

Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 13:31

Thanks Sandy, I've changed it so that only friends can see everything I post and that only friends of friends can search for me.

Purple the ex lives in another town and has absolutely zero connections to anyone on my friends list, she didn't see it like that, she saw it by searching for my page, she's admitted it.

I can't block her because I don't know her details, and even if I did it wouldn't stop her friends looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 13:34

Nigella that analogy would work if the ex was camping in front of this fictional noticeboard waiting for something to be pinned to it. I think you'll agree that also would be a bit weird.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 10/01/2014 13:47

With regards to Facebook.

Start up a completely new profile page with a nickname i.e 77 stars, instead of Jane Smith.

Make it unsearchable in FB, private, friends only, friends only can see pictures, preview tags (not sure of correct FB terminology at this exact moment) and inform your friends/family by other means that this will be your new Facebook page.

If you then want to show a picture of your new baby to uncle Bob and aunt Sally in Australia, for example, you can do so without drama.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 13:49

tbh angelina it is slightly nosy but understandable in the circs, and fb is like a public noticeboard, so many people don't seem to get that, putting all kinds of personal info on there without bothering about their privacy settings. what caramelwaffle suggested sounds sensible - ofc some people enjoy the drama of it all.

caramelwaffle · 10/01/2014 13:52

Within your current profile (but I suggest a new one) you can also create a private "invite only" Facebook group for your family and friends over the age of 13 (FB rules - sensible imho)

i.e. The Smith family capers

Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:01

Thanks caramel, good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:08

nigella as far as I'm concerned, call me old-fashioned, unless someone has invited you to share their personal info then going out of your way to do it anyway is odd and I'd be embarassed if I'd done that, I certainly wouldn't let on to anyone!

'Slightly nosey'? After 18 months? It's borderline obsessive, she found out within a couple of weeks of me posting it so she must check it regularly. Definitely not normal behaviour. Hence my concerns about how she will handle the situation with their daughter.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 14:11

no it is not 'borderline obsessive' it is normal behaviour and 18 months is no time at all. what are you suggesting now, that she might have mental health problem or something? what next?
like i said, some people just love the drama of it all.

Original poster
Angelina77 · 10/01/2014 14:16

No, it's not normal. I don't think she has MH issues, I think she's got an unhealthy interest in me. I find that a little unnerving, and I felt a bit violated when I realised what had happened.

And if I wanted drama, I'd have posted something she could really get upset about Wink

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 14:18

nice

Maybe83 · 10/01/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 14:18

and yes is is drama llama behaviour to say you felt 'violated' by someone looking at information that you have posted on what is a public forum