Telling partner's daughter we're expecting and his ex stalking me on facebook

[Angelina77]

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and we've been forced into a situation we'd tried to avoid (i.e. his ex finding out I'm pregnant and telling their daughter - even though he asked her not to).

He got a strange text saying "I've got a feeling you're expecting a baby, congratulations" and we had no idea how she had found out until he asked and she replied "it's plastered all over facebook!" Now, call me naive but I didn't realise my scan pic that I posted for the benefit of foreign relatives could be viewed by any weirdo who wants to check me out. Anyway, I've changed the settings now so (hopefully) she can't see my page.

She got very aggressive with him when he asked her not to say anything to the daughter (5yo) as he wanted to tell her himself so now we have to deal with whatever rubbish she's said to her in the 2 weeks since we saw her last.

Does anyone have any advice on counter-acting any negative things she might have said to her? I particularly don't want her to think of her brother/sister as a 'half' sibling, or for her to worry about being second best or any other rubbish she may have said. We're planning to take her to our gender scan this weekend, good idea or bad?

I wouldn't assume that she has said anything negative at all, first of all.

I'm not a SM but I have two children and their dad is getting married again this year. It doesn't fill me with joy for him and his DP (however, they did meet before we had split up, so for me there is a fairly strong aversion to the two of them! Not all stepmums are OW though so please don't think I'm suggesting that you are, just giving context - ie, no doubt my DC's SM may well expect me to be bitter about their wedding, future DC etc etc as well).

The thing is, despite me not liking the situation I'm in I wouldn't dream of making my preschool DC carry the burden of my feelings about their dad's decisions and our subsequent relationship as co-parents. It's not the normal position for any parent to take, although I understand you may be fearful of it.

While I can appreciate that you probably don't like her, and she probably doesn't like you, it's a big jump to think she would deliberately upset her 5yo who she must love and care about, just to get at you. Being snarky on the phone to her ex isn't the same thing at all.

Assume that she will be thrilled/excited/nervous/confused etc just because she's 5, and don't give her mum any further thought. If she's a normal grown up (which most other parents are) she may well be upset or pissed of, but she'll deal with it like most other normal grown ups by talking to her friends or family or partner - not to her 5yo DD.

Even if she does mention it, you can't know what she's said so I'd just put the whole thing out of your mind and enjoy your pregnancy - she can't make you feel anything unless you let her.

Congratulations on your baby-to-be!

Thanks for your reply nefelibata, I hope you're right. I don't know her personally, all I have to go on is her bahaviour in the past.

She has refused access before on the grounds that she didn't want her daughter to spend any time with me (even after a year of being together and moving in together).

She's also told her that she shouldn't get into bed with us, she does this every morning she stays at our house but she said her mummy told her not to. I think both of those examples are pretty bad and to do with her feelings, not the child's best interests.

I've always been anxious about getting things wrong with the little girl, answering questions in the wrong way or how to handle it when she misbehaves but this is a big one and I want it to go well.

If you have any mutual friends on FB, then if they commented on your photo, it could have appeared on her FB wall. So I wouldn't assume she's been actively stalking you. Or someone else who knew you both might have mentioned it to her.

I wouldn't assume she's said anything negative. Like the poster above, I wasn't too thrilled about my ex having a new baby either, but wouldn't have said anything to my DCs to make them anxious.

If DSD does appear anxious about things then all you can do is reassure her that she'll still see her dad just as much, he'll still have time to do things with her, and isn't it exciting to be a big sister.

Scans are a bit of a hard one as hospitals don't particularly like you taking along children, as there is a small chance of the scan showing up some health worry they'd rather discuss with you without them there. But I do think she'd find it very exciting. If she doesn't go then show her the photo, and include her in discussions about names, where the baby will sleep, etc. My dS loved looking at the pictures in my NCT book when I was pregnant with DC2. Congratulations by the way

Thank you.

We don't know any of the same people, we're from different towns, completely different circles. I just didn't realise all my posts were public until this happened.

The scan is private so I think it will be ok.

Thanks for the advice, I hope she is excited about it.

Hi hon

I had this problem with my OH's ex. We had told his son but she did say things to him 'does it make you upset?' 'Are you worried you will loose your room?' 'Are you scared you will have to share your toys?' So a boy who was initially over the moon about it then went into meltdown.

My dss is under the care of social services (the reason he now lives with us) so we asked his social worker how we can help him understand it's a good thing. We bought books. Got him involved in choosing things for baby - he was there for scans and when we found out the gender. My DD has now arrived and he is wonderful with her.

We just tried to turn all the negatives into positives and I am thankful it worked! Hope it helps a little.

I'm just curious -- those who say you weren't too happy about your Ex moving on and having a new baby, why is that?

I find it quite astonishing that you would broadcast the news on facebook before telling the person who it will affect most ie your step-daughter.

Thanks zqu76y, I'll try and find some books her Dad can read with her. I think she'd love to choose clothes and toys for him/her too. She comes to us tonight to we'll be able to gauge her initial reaction and gently probe to see what her Mum's said to her.

I'm also a bit worried about the "how did it get in there" question so we need to know what she's already been told, if anything. I hope it's not something about fairy dust and magic because I'd like to tell her the truth, or as close to it as possible.

Wallison I'm not a big FB person, I only have about 50 connections and I knew there was no way that anyone I didn't want to know would find out. Or so I thought. That was until I realised that anyone can look at your wall posts, as long as they know your name and a few details about you. I know I was naive but like I said, I posted it for the benefit of my relatives abroad, I really had no idea she would see it.

Anyway, it's forced us to deal with it and it was kind of hanging over us so it's best to just get on with it. His ex will still have the most influence over their daughter, however she ended up finding out.

But why would you want to tell your relatives abroad before you tell your step-daughter? I just cannot understand that. A friend of mine recently found out that her ex was expecting another baby with his new squeeze through the wonders of Facebook (and no, she wasn't 'stalking' him - that kind of talk is ridiculous). General consensus was that it was a shitty way for her to get that information and that he is a wanker.

I do agree with everyone else that you should have told nearest and dearest first.

Wallison we decided to wait until after the 20 week scan, just in case, and we thought it would be more interesting for her by then (big bump, baby moving etc).

And while I think it was probably a natural curiosity to look at my FB page when she first knew about us, I think it's weird to keep checking it 18 months later, especially as I hardly ever post anything.

croquet I did. It was my partner's decision to wait until telling his daughter.

Angelina I can recommend a really good book.......Usbourne First Experiences The New Baby Hope this helps and good luck with the new baby!

Thanks, I'll get it ordered :)

I think you need to start taking a bit of responsibility for your actions. You haven't been 'forced into' any kind of 'situation'; you chose to publicise your pregnancy on the internet without speaking to the people that this pregnancy will effect. That your boyfriend's ex found this publicly available information is not her fault, nor is it evidence that she is 'stalking' you or bad-mouthing about you to her daughter.

Wallison you're right, his ex is clearly the victim here, I should've phoned her before I even told my partner. She shouldn't have to find out by snooping at my personal information, what was I thinking?

Its hardly snooping when you have been silly open enough to have a scan picture up on a massively used website with no privacy protection though is it

There are no victims either imo. Its a bit shitty for your partners daughter to not get the news straight from the horses mouth, but what harm has actually occurred? She'll no doubt forget all about that when her new sibling arrives.

I would assume there are other underlying issues between you all from what you've written. This is just one of those things that happen and worth not much more than a shrug.

I wouldn't even go there with probing about what her mum has told her. It doesn't matter. Just deal with whatever responses and questions she has.

And unless you are on the same page as her mum, leave any questions about where the baby came from to your dp. You might not agree with mum's way, but in a situation where things are a bit strained it really won't help if you deliberately contradict what her mum is saying.

I think you should of perhaps told her first, but you know that now.

She will have to deal with this other child her ex has fathered aswell as rebuild a new life as a single parent,

Some of these replies...jeez!

Words like "new squeeze" make you seem biased IMO and probably worth ignoring based on some sort of agenda or problem with SM's in general. But I could be wrong, obviously.

OP: she knows now so worrying about the whys and hows is irrelevant. There's no point in guessing what's been said.

Just deal with whatever concerns she has and involve her as much as possible.

I told my family before SD when I got pregnant because it wasn't up to me to tell her and actually would have been worse coming from me!

We told her mum first though so she could deal with any concerns at her end. Also, out of respect tbh. She deserved to know regardless of feelings or past events!

I feel for you. I use my Facebook to communicate with family abroad and barely have any contacts on their. I'd of done the same in sharing my news, never expecting a 5 year old to access Facebook and be informed before we had told her. I don't really understand why it's so awful to have told others before her, I'd too wait until 20 weeks for security in telling children, besides a pregnancy is an awfully long time to a 5 year old!

Her mother was snooping, regardless of whether your settings were private or open, I wouldn't look up my partners ex randomly if I wasn't being nosey!

Guess the lesson here is , as with all social networking, to get privacy and security settings tight so you control who sees what.

I do feel for you and hope that your pregnancy progresses well and I think it's lovely how you wrote about your step daughter and wanting her to view this baby as a sibling not half sister/ brother etc.

I also second the usborne book mentioned up thread.

Angel ona,

I have some sympathy with you over the snooping ex.

We're 5 years on from my DOH's split and her ex is still way too interested in our lives for comfort.

It is creepy, and in our case snooping is not all he does but that's another story.

We know he has told the kids things in the past. Sometimes facts, other times just what's going on in his head. None of which they need to hear.

I wouldn't be too worried about her telling your step daughter, I would worry more about the future. If she continues to be creepy there is the chance she could poison the relationship between the two children, to the extent life with step daughter gets very difficult.

I've no reason to believe she would do that just that she is still watching on after all this time makes me nervous.

Unfortunately you can't do much about it, she hasn't done anything illegal, some might say its just idle curiosity but I know where you're coming from.

The best thing I did for my sanity was right a short note explaining how I felt the interaction over the kids should work and highlighting that personal lives, on both sides, were out of bounds. My partner agreed it made sense.

The trick then is to get your other half to share this with the ex. I've failed so far on that front and I understand why in our case. There will be a backlash. I genuinely believe though that once we cross that bridge there will be no going back and we will have the moral high ground if nothing else!

Wow, you can really tell who's sitting on which side of the fence!

The original plan was to tell his daughter (after 20wk scan) on one of his contact weekends and let his ex know, by phone, at the same time so she had chance to come to terms with it herself before daughter went back home. We thought that was a pretty good plan. I have admitted my naiveity regarding FB but really, you don't think it's weird that she's sitting at home hitting refresh on my FB page every 10 minutes (slight exaggeration) to see if theres anything for her to get a bee in her bonnet about? It's not like I've been putting loads of pics of her daughter on there, I'd never do that. Anyway I don't think she an see my page now so, lesson learned and dealth with.

Thanks to those who understand my concerns. Great idea about the note Shes, I don't know how she would take it but I guess it couldn't hurt.

Somebody said to me when I was having a rant...

Getting pissed off wont change their behaviour.

Which is true. So the note is the attempt at changing the behaviour.

It's also a great way of putting your perspective across to your partner in a cool and considered manner. They can then do the same with the ex.

And it's soooooo cathartic :-)