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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

18yo Santa visit

407 replies

sequinsequins · 10/12/2013 08:47

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 20:19

I did put a wink in there, need a sarcasm font! I long for somebody else to arrange something, unfortunately i have the same issue - nobody seems to care where we go so we go nowhere unless i make a plan.

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/12/2013 20:25

He's snoring on the settee at the moment , watching football through his eyelids and our dog is gradually nudging his feet out of the way to get nearer the fire and l am about to turn his football off to watch Emmerdale (which he hates).

Me and the dog , we not scared

Hopefully you wont turn news on tomorrow and see a terrible story about a normally mild mannered man , his wife and their dog

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/12/2013 20:36

....'he is believed to have been annoyed at being woken up by the dog and then snapped completely on finding his wife had switched tv channels from football to Emmerdale' .

It's ok Gotmygoat l saw the wink , no offence taken. I think there are just leaders and followers in life . or as my old dad used to say , bus drivers and passengers.

Mumallthetime · 10/12/2013 20:38

Can't you just be, you know a human? A caring person? Somewhere between overbearing mothering and stand offish I-can't-wait-to-get-you-out-of-my-life-stop-runining-my-weekends?

You think we don't try?

Thing is, the goalposts change - one minute I'm cold and uncaring because I won't go out in the middle of the night and pick up my DSD, the next I'm interfering because I bought her a belt she said she liked.

Until you've been a stepmum you have absolutely no idea how fine the tightrope is that we have to walk.

I have invested a lot more emotionally in my DSC then my DD in an effort not to get it wrong and I still get branded cold/overstepping both in RL and on forums - or both, sometimes in the same sentence.

Posting on a stepparenting support forum implying that our lives would be so much easier if we were caring & human is insulting and rude.

GotMyGoat · 10/12/2013 20:42

Posting on a stepparenting support forum implying that our lives would be so much easier if we were caring & human is insulting and rude.

I'm sorry, but that's not what I said at all - I was responding to this Op and comments on this thread - not to overall step-parentinging.

Do you really spend every moment with your DSS/D's in this heightened state of anxiety? That sounds bloody miserable. Why bother? Although I realise reading translation is difficult, but it does sound like a lot of you are kind of proud of how difficult you find it? Is that a really bizarre thing for me to read?

Mumallthetime · 10/12/2013 21:57

Do you really spend every moment with your DSS/D's in this heightened state of anxiety? That sounds bloody miserable. Why bother?

Yes, I do. And I bother because I love my DH and intend to support him to be the best parent he can to his DCs no matter how much I have to bite my tongue.

The balancing act between protecting my DD from the situation in which her mum is hated by her step siblings is the hardest thing; I've got used to the emotional rejection, entitlement, disruption, chaos and general uncertainty that being a stepmum entails. Just when you think you've got a handle on what role the DSC (and their Mum) are comfortable with me fulfilling, something happens over which I have absolutely no influence (or knowledge sometimes) and I'm the one who is painted the bad guy.

It's bloody hard and this is supposed to be somewhere we can vent, share experiences and not feel so alone. If that reads like pride to you then that is an indication of how poor your understanding of the situation is.

brdgrl · 10/12/2013 22:58

My DSD, also 18, is overbearing and oblivious to most social protocols, and lacks all sense of boundaries. Everyone that knows her, knows this.

I have certainly considered a range of explanations for her behaviours. However, as the stepmum to a teenager, there is next to nothing I can do about diagnosis or treatment. It is not in my power to address the root cause of her behaviours.

I have changed the way I respond to her, and that, and that alone, is all many of us can do. My responsibility, then, is to minimise the negative effects of her behaviours, whatever their source, on my own child, my own marriage, and my own well-being.

Whatever the root of OP's stepson's behaviours, she needs to be able to say "sorry, this is just something for the little ones" and have that be accepted by her DH.

brdgrl · 10/12/2013 22:59

well said, mumallthetime.

ReluctantStepMum · 11/12/2013 00:11

Brdgrl, please read your private mail.

Athrawes · 11/12/2013 00:35

Your DH needs to say to DSS : "You are an adult now. You are welcome to come and visit anytime you like. Congratulations, you are a grown up and can make your own decisions. You will always be welcome here".

As to this weekend. Just take him along. Say "Oh so glad you want to come. I thought you'd think it was a bit babyish but your brother will be so glad to have the whole family". Smile.

AmberLeaf · 11/12/2013 01:01

I don't understand why, if you didn't want him to come on the 'santa trip' did you arrange it for a weekend that you knew he would be there?

Original poster

sequinsequins · 11/12/2013 01:39

"I don't understand why, if you didn't want him to come on the 'santa trip' did you arrange it for a weekend that you knew he would be there?"

Amberleaf didn't you read the bit where I said that was the

OP posts:

Original poster

sequinsequins · 11/12/2013 01:41

Only remaining day with availability? It's not rocket science, that was the last day with spaces, DS desperately wanted to go so I booked it

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 11/12/2013 02:01

I think the poster who said he may stick to the rota because those are the times he's ''allowed'' to come might be onto something.

What's his mum like generally?

AskAQuestion · 11/12/2013 02:14

I also thought 'Aspergers' as I read this. I work with teenagers with HFA & this would be very typical behaviour.

Either way, it is unusual for an 18 yr old to be so very rigid in their ways.

By 18, I had a job, was moving out of home & hadn't stuck to a 'rota' for seeing my Dad for years. I still saw him as often as I could, given the 60 miles I had to travel to see him. I saw him because I wanted to, not because that's what a rota dictated.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 11/12/2013 08:02

Billy banter she's very controlling, but it is clear that they are now emotionally codependent. He spends all his free time with her and she is therefore his social life. Likewise he does what she wants and fulfils her emotional needs (although she does have a partner). It's a very unhealthy relationship and due to his character I can't see him stepping out if this role for many years to come, I expect certainly well into adulthood. That's if it ever happens at all. If the rigid rota compliance is related to that then potentially he will be sticking to a rota for many many years

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 11/12/2013 08:21

so if the only available date fell on the access weekend, you just have to suck it up surely.

You can't expect him not to come because of it.

needaholidaynow · 11/12/2013 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumallthetime · 11/12/2013 08:41

You can't expect him not to come because of it.

Why not? Why is it unreasonable to expect a NT 18 yr old to either 1) opt out of the trip or 2) get into the spirit of the occasion if he does go along?

Why, why, why do so many parents expect that adult DCs will dutifully choose to participate in activities in which they have no interest or gain no enjoyment? Strikes me that a lot of parents posting on this thread are uncomfortable with the thought that they will have to let their DCs go one day and not expect them to behave like sulky, juvenile teens for ever.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 11/12/2013 08:50

"so if the only available date fell on the access weekend, you just have to suck it up surely"

Yes indeed Amberleaf

Just as DSS has to suck it up that he never gets to come on holiday with us, suck it up that he misses family parties, suck it up that he can't come on fun day trips, suck it up that he can't come camping with us on bank hol weekends, suck it up that he misses out on fun evenings with his dad.

Just as DH has to suck it up that he's never seen DSS on his birthday, suck it up that he doesn't get to bring DSS on holiday, suck it up that DSS declines non EOW cinema visits, days out.

Just as DS has to suck it up that his brother doesn't see him on his birthday, suck it up that he doesn't understand why DSS can't come on days out.

So here we all are, sucking it up. Excellent. All hail the access rota.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 11/12/2013 09:22

I personally don't know any other families with 18 year olds who still go to see santa.

last time I took my girls to see FC was last year, and I saw lots of older teens with their families & younger siblings waiting to go in to have a photo taken.

It is about tradition, being part of a family. It is a shame that you don't see your dss as part of the family, when after all, he was your dh's son long before you even met him, or before you won son came along. You can't stop him being your dh's son just because he has one with you, one doesn't replace the other.

differentnameforthis · 11/12/2013 09:24

it's for children not adults. So now he is an adult he no longer gets to see his father regularly?

Petal02 · 11/12/2013 09:27

The OP is like many of us, who have had their lives completely dictated by a rota which clearly worked at some point, back in the mists of time, but ceases to work as life moves on, children get older etc.

I always expected that the rota would gradually relax as DSS got older, but when that don't happen, i too was stuck. It didn't help that my father, brothers and husband all joined the forces straight from school, so I had no experience of dealing with an infantilised man-child. I knew very well that at age 16/17 young men can survive without following Daddy round all the time.

As a previous poster stated, by the time the 'child' is 18, no one (not the ex nor the child) can force a man to abide by the access rota. It's the man's choice. But, like the OP's DH, my DH chose to continue. Not because DH really wanted to (he also thought DSS should be more age-appropriate) but because DSS wanted to continue because he'd never known anything different. And DH was too Disney to force the issue.

If I had a pound for everyone who suggested asbergers, mental health issues, being on the spectrum etc etc, I'd be a very wealthy woman.

Original poster

sequinsequins · 11/12/2013 09:28

differentnameforthis - you don't appear to have read the thread. The access rota means he ends up seeing much less of his father than ought to be the case. As I've said, it doesn't facilitate their relationship, it gets in the way of that.

OP posts:

Mumallthetime · 11/12/2013 09:32

It is about tradition, being part of a family. It is a shame that you don't see your dss as part of the family,

But the "DC" in question doesn't see himself as part of the family! He refuses contact with the OPs family including his own father at times outside the access rota, he misses out on family celebrations, birthdays, holidays and occasions because of the access rota and he behaves as a guest to be entertained when in the family home. He's 18 - he could pop in to see Dad on his birthday, plan a weekend away, meet his Dad for a beer while watching the football - but he doesn't.

How can the OP consider her DSS to be a part if her family when that's not how he wants to be seen?

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