18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

Does your dh not communicate with his son at all except when he's there? No phone calls, emails, texts? Not sure why communication with the ex is really needed any more.

A text from your dh to his ds along the lines of 'Looking forward to seeing you this weekend. Just so you know we've booked the santa train at 2pm for your little brother. Do you want to come with us or stay at home for an hour while we go?' would have solved all this wouldn't it?

"what would you rather he did instead of coming to see santa, honestly?"

cinema, friends, cycling, study, shopping, tv, xbox, reading, film at home, chill out? The opportunities are endless.

"So rather than uninviting him, is your preferred plan that he waits in your living room alone until you get back from Santa?"

isn't that very black and white? santa or waiting in living room alone?

yes i see your point, esp. if he normally lives nearby...
but if it's a 'family day out' and he is that odd age between being treated as a child and as an adult.....maybe cut him some slack...

cinema, friends, cycling, study, shopping, tv, xbox, reading, film at home, chill out? The opportunities are endless.

I'm starting to feel like a dreadful mum - my DD is only 13 and she frequently engages in these activities while I go off and shop/meet a friend for coffee/run errands - do anything that she thinks will be boring.
How awful!

"Does your dh not communicate with his son at all except when he's there? No phone calls, emails, texts? Not sure why communication with the ex is really needed any more."

Yes he texts, emails and calls his mobile. Only recently are any of those communications responded to (literally within the last 6 months or so, he used to ignore emails and texts). He usually doesn't reply at all when his grandparents email/text him.

"I'm starting to feel like a dreadful mum - my DD is only 13 and she frequently engages in these activities while I go off and shop/meet a friend for coffee/run errands"

mumallthetime - really . You don't involve her? What about some "DD centred time" after lunch with your friend so she doesn't feel left out?

Yes he texts, emails and calls his mobile. Only recently are any of those communications responded to (literally within the last 6 months or so, he used to ignore emails and texts). He usually doesn't reply at all when his grandparents email/text him

I accept and agree that it isn't your responsibility to 'deal with', but I think you are too quick to dismiss out of hand the possibility that this boy has a social communication disorder [eg autistic spectrum disorder] going by the above and other things you have said about his behavior.

I understand your frustration with his inability to be independent, but all of this really doesn't sound like the behavior of a neurotypical 18 yr old.

I'm starting to feel like a dreadful mum - my DD is only 13 and she frequently engages in these activities while I go off and shop/meet a friend for coffee/run errands

She lives with you full time though yes?

You don't see her only on EOW?

OP, I really feel for you, at 18 I would never have expected to spend every waking minute with my parents nor would I expect every event to have been a "family" event.

Tonight for example, Ds2 is at a friend's birthday party and so Dh, Ds1 and I are eating out at a restaurant that ds2 wouldn't like.

At 7 years old Ds2 wouldn't complain about this or expect to be included. Similarly when Ds1 has attended a party we take ds2 out to do something with just us or either Dh or myself.

I can not understand why DSS has to come to the santa train, why he can't, like any normal 18 year old, be left at home for an hour or two.

I am not from a step family/blended family etc but my best friend had her DSD live with them from the age of 6. On holiday she would wear all black from top to toe on a scorching beach. Not out of spite, or to spoil anything it was just the way she was. But it took the shine off the holiday for my friend and her Dh and 2 children.

The whole point of the thread is that DSS would take the shine off something that is meant to be a special and fun occasion for a 4 year old boy. Everyone stop thinking about DSS and start thinking about a 4 year old boy. I have a 10 year old on the cusp of discovering the magic is all fake

amber I owe you an apology, I set you up for that and you took the bait, hook, line and sinker.

No, my DD doesn't live with me F/T.

She only spends 50% of her time with me. Should I expect her to spend more of her time in my company, despite being bored, in order to somehow compensate for the days she spends with her Dad?
How ridiculous.

Amber leaf I strongly believe, based on knowing DSS for 10 years, that these behaviours are due to DSS seeing himself as the child who has no responsibilities, as opposed to adults who do have responsibilities. It is perhaps not surprising given his mothers absolute determination to refuse him any responsibility all his life. So to DSS, he has no responsibility to think for himself how he might want to gowns his time - that's an adult's job to do for him. No resoinsibility to acknowledge a family member's birthday. No responsibility to answer texts or emails. He, in his eyes as the "child" is the receiver - of time, gifts, texts, emails. It's adults who give and children receive. Each and every action of his tells me this.

No you shouldn't expect that, I wouldn't in your position.

Big difference between 50/50 and EOW though.

Also nothing wrong with leaving a 13 yr old to get on with other things while you do what you want to do.

Same as there would be no problem with an 18 yr old doing the same in similar circs.

There is IMO, much more going on with this articular 18 yr old though.

Honestly, the more you say about him, the more I think there is weight to the suggestion that he may have a social communication disorder.

I do understand why though, that given the background, you see it the way you do.

Does he have a social communication disorder? Or is he the product of his mothers design?

Either way, I think that OPs DH has let him down. At 18 he should either be diagnosed and given support, or he shouldn't have turned out so incapable.

Does he have a key to his mums or your house?

How does he get to college?

He walks to school from his mums, she is SAHM. As he only comes here for "access" he hasn't needed a key

I don't thinks he's incapable, I think it's attitudinal

Personally, If I was invited to go to the Santa Train I would be dead excited.

Personally, If I was invited to go to the Santa Train I would be dead excited.

And if the OPs DSS felt like you do, I doubt she'd have posted this.

The point is, he won't be excited. He's not going along because it will be fun. He's not going along to be part of a family tradition, he's not going along to make memories with his little brother. He's going because not going is as incomprehensible to him as breathing underwater. He won't enjoy it, and pretending for the sake of his brother is a concept that is beyond him.

So, while its great that you would be excited, that doesn't help the OP at all!,

It's not really about a santa train. Not sure why we're still going on about it.

Your DSS is not really in a good place. I feel very sorry for him. He's 18, has little independence, doesn't seem to want independence, or if he does, doesn't seem to be able to voice that. He has few/no friends, girlfriends or social life. Has he any interests or hobbies? He's tied to his mother's aprons strings and has a very limited relationship with his dad because of the rigid rota. It's not the OP's side making it rigid so either it is the DSS's own will or the will of a controlling mother that he doesn't even begin to know how to challenge. Even if he has some form of disorder independence of some level should be encouraged by a loving parent.

This isn't good for anyone long-term. Not for the OP, her DP, her DSS or his mum.

You've not said much about the quality of communication over the years between you and DSS or his dad. Have you even got any sort of insight into how this young man actually feels about his life?

Maybe you could arrange some family therapy on his weekends then he would come because that is 'the rule', apparently.

I do think its a bit daft to expect him NOT to join you, when you know exactly what he's like.

I dont understand why him wanting to come, is such a surprise to you

Because the apathy of an 18yo never fails to astound me, as simple as that

Billybanter he shares a hobby with his mother

DSS is fiercely protective of his mother and any discussion with him about his life causes him to go into defensive overdrive and insist everything is rosy. He says he has friends yet displays no interest in seeing them outside college