18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

*DSS hasn't been invited though, has he? He is a regular guest who decides if and when he will visit.

Is that polite behaviour - or do manners only apply to the OP, not her DSS?*

I was replying to this - of course I would prefer it if you didn't say he's not welcome, because that would be horrible - but in this whole thread you have made it clear that he is not welcome to this event, so if that is how you and DH feel maybe you should say so?

"Does he need to be invited to something that is happening on a day he expects to be there?"

When I go to stay with my parents I certaintly don't expect as an adult to be invited to everything they attend. Last time they went out on a Saturday to a friend's party and I had no expectation whatsoever of coming too

If he was diagnosed with Aspergers say, there would be support, a clear plan of care to help DSS cope with life

Well actually, there wouldn't necessarily be a 'clear plan of care', especially at the age of 18, it would largely be down to his family to support him.

It wouldn't be expected that everyone else should adapt to cope with him

Ha! That is pretty much exactly how things go in a family with a child on the autistic spectrum. You have to adapt.

"Not sure how old DSS was when his parents split, but your DH and his EX don't communicate at all? That takes two"

DH isn't allowed past the gate. When he picks DSS up he has to telephone the house from the road so that DSS can come out. He has written her letters and her response is that he "doesn't do letters". He is not allowed to phone on any other occasion and if he does the phone is never picked up, even when he knows DSS is in.

"but in this whole thread you have made it clear that he is not welcome to this event, so if that is how you and DH feel maybe you should say so?"

So clearly you think I should tell DSS he's not welcome. Interesting.

When I go to stay with my parents I certaintly don't expect as an adult to be invited to everything they attend. Last time they went out on a Saturday to a friend's party and I had no expectation whatsoever of coming too

You're not 18 though are you. There is a big difference between an adult [30s-40s] child visiting parents, to a just 18 yr old who has spent the last 14 years following an access rota.

OP knew it was a DSS day

What does being DSS day actually mean?

Does it mean that the DSS joins in with normal family life, is subjected to the same expectations and boundaries as other members of the family - or does it mean that the OP's family plans their weekend to accommodate DSS and make sure he receives equal or greater priority than other family members?

Because in my world, the first is what happens when someone who is a member of the family comes home, the latter is when a guest visits the home.

You can't be a member of a family household and yet still visit that household, surely? Either you live there or you don't?

But Sequin, when my dd was very little, we got into a pattern where we would have sunday lunch with my PIL - if ever something came up for them or me it would be courtesy to say, sorry there's something else happening this Sunday so won't be doing/coming to lunch this week.

If a routine has emerged all people assume it will happen unless somebody tells you specifically otherwise.

So in this case you should have said "sorry DSS this weekend we are going to see Santa train with DS, so you can't come this week - we'll catch up next time" or something like that. You know, SPELL IT OUT.

At 18 I didn't expect to accompany my parents on everything they did on a weekend either

DSS DAY means a day when DSS comes.

You can't be a member of a family household and yet still visit that household, surely?

It would appear he doesn't live there. Well, I visit my mum... don't you?

At 18 I didn't expect to accompany my parents on everything they did on a weekend either

Did you only see your parents EOW?

"So in this case you should have said "sorry DSS this weekend we are going to see Santa train with DS, so you can't come this week - we'll catch up next time" or something like that. You know, SPELL IT OUT"

Really, you think it's a step-mothers place to tell her DSS that he can't come to his fathers hows for the WHOLE WEEKEND because of a santa visit which will take ONE HOUR?

house!

Well - that's what you seemed to suggest that you and DH wanted, at least for the day of the Santa train...

The ex sounds very difficult.

Doesn't dss have a mobile with which he can call and text his dad when he pleases?
I don't see my dad a lot but we text each other jokes and funny pictures.

"Did you only see your parents EOW?"

Less than that when I moved away for uni at 18

YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE CAPITALS - I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING OUTRAGEOUS!

Just quoting what you, and others, have said.

It would appear he doesn't live there. Well, I visit my mum... don't you?

Actually no, I don't - but when I did I was a guest in their home.

This adult has never viewed the OPs house as home. He visits on set days, he avoids/refuses/declines invitations to spend time there other than those set days, he doesn't entertain himself, fend for himself or take responsibility for any aspect of family life while he is there. He behaves like a guest.

And when a guest expects hospitality on their schedule, when they demand, with no consideration for the host, then they become unwelcome guests.

So rather than uninviting him, is your preferred plan that he waits in your living room alone until you get back from Santa?

then they become unwelcome guests

Which is where uninviting comes in.

"Well - that's what you seemed to suggest that you and DH wanted, at least for the day of the Santa train..."

No, I didn't say or suggest that at all

You're not "quoting". You, and only you, suggested that I, as his step-mother should tell him he can't come this weekend

I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does.

Oh?

what would you rather he did instead of coming to see santa, honestly?

"So rather than uninviting him, is your preferred plan that he waits in your living room alone until you get back from Santa?"

No, he's coming. 100% rota compliance, just like he wanted.