Can I use my "I'm not your mum" card please?

[EMS23]

DSS 9 can't tie his shoelaces. Somehow, it's been decided I should teach him. DH and his ex do this to me when it's something they can't/ won't do. Oh it's ok, EMS23 can do it - they know I won't say no because I'm a bloody pushover!

I bloody can't teach him and I don't want to. He's a wonderful boy but he struggles to concentrate on instructions and is impossible to teach anything to!! I tried today and just ended up angry at him, which is unfair and I don't want to do things with him which lead to conflict. I'm always in the wrong as it is!

I love him dearly and I appreciate that I may, one day, have to teach my DD's to do their shoelaces but can I please, just this once, use my stepmother status for my own advantage??!!

Oh Daisy, two quite serious posts and a fair bit of advice in there.

I'm afraid I can't answer every point you make, in full. Mainly because I don't have time this evening but I didn't want your posts to go unanswered. I'd feel rude.

You advise me a few times to speak to my DH, stop being a pushover etc..
Well surely that's exactly what I did by saying 'I'm not teaching DSS shoelaces, I don't want to'? You're advising me to do something I already did.

But then you're saying that because I did that, I'm not a good stepmum and I should rise above it and do it and enjoy it and find fulfilment in it.

So which is it? Damned if I do, damned if I don't!!

As it goes, I have a wonderful relationship with DSS and could give you many examples of the sacrifices I've made for him. I could tell you all about the good co parenting his mum and my DH have. But there's no need , it's not a competition to be the best stepmum.

Lastly, my description of him as lazy and your assertion that this must be an indicator of my simmering resentment. I have DC's of my own and describe them in various ways, some good, some not so good depending on the day. Just because he's my DSS, I'm immediately pulled up on a less than flattering comment. I think that perfectly demonstrates the weird position us stepparents face.. I could post a similar comment re my own DD and I'd probably get sympathy and maybe some camaraderie about lazy kids but I say it about a stepchild and I'm accused of simmering resentment.

I said you sounded condescending because your first post sounded to me like you were saying 'I am a better person and step parent than you because I take fulfilment from something that you don't'.
Probably if we were having this conversation in RL, it would not come across like that but then in RL, I wouldn't be brave enough to tell you it sounds condescending!

EMS23 - I don't post on the Step parenting board a lot because it often feels too 'prickly' to me. People can be defensive and think they are being criticised when they are not. I haven't been on Mumsnet long enough to understand all those complicated twists and turns - eg if people make a comment about their DCs it means one thing but if they say it about their DCS's it means something else. Honestly, I'm a simple soul, I don't do complications and I tend to say it like it is. Well, yes, I would prefer to have met you for a coffee and talked about it in RL - I don't think you would find me that awful.

I'll be honest I did find your OP sounded a bit 'off'. But hey, if I am so horrible I would have ripped you to shreds. I've seen people on MN being absolutely mauled and left for dead - maybe check back my posts and tell me you think I did that to you . I have not said you are a "bad DSM" - if you don't like being 'put upon', maybe you need to be a broken record - if its anything like my DP, he puts his flaps down and I have to repeat things 50 times before he even registers I have said anything!

Anyway, life's too short, so let's not be stressed