Can I use my "I'm not your mum" card please?

[EMS23]

DSS 9 can't tie his shoelaces. Somehow, it's been decided I should teach him. DH and his ex do this to me when it's something they can't/ won't do. Oh it's ok, EMS23 can do it - they know I won't say no because I'm a bloody pushover!

I bloody can't teach him and I don't want to. He's a wonderful boy but he struggles to concentrate on instructions and is impossible to teach anything to!! I tried today and just ended up angry at him, which is unfair and I don't want to do things with him which lead to conflict. I'm always in the wrong as it is!

I love him dearly and I appreciate that I may, one day, have to teach my DD's to do their shoelaces but can I please, just this once, use my stepmother status for my own advantage??!!

Why are they so worried about him doing shoelaces? That's what velcro is for isn't it?

I thin its pretty important to be fair! He's 9, he'll need to know eventually. Can't see him turning up to job interviews in velcro shoes!
Plus his mum insists on buying him Converse so he needs to know. And he plays rugby so he needs to be able to lace his boots.

It's a life skill I reckon.

Yeah well at least you have tried, just tell him how important it is and everyone at the big school will be able to do it. If you want to try again, get a shoe with laces and get him to copy you bit by bit a few times and tell him how clever he is for trying it. If no joy I'd say get dh to sort it :) x

If the mother wants him to wear converse, surely she should be the one to teach him how to get the things on

Can you pretend you don't know how?

Alternatively find awesome YouTube tutorial (my answer to pretty much everything), teach him that way, and take the credit forrrrrever. "Well of ourselves DSS mother, but as the person who taught him to tie his own shoelaces etc etc"

I am not a step parent and the world is very glad!

well of course*

Bloody iPad

Don't do it! It's not your responsibility. Do they have so little pride in their parenting, they expect you to do it for them?

I like the idea of a YouTube tutorial.. He spends hours watching those stupid Minecraft videos on there so it might just work. Will suggest to DH.

Oh yes, to be a stepmum you must never assume the role of the parent but can never say no when you're expected to act like one!

That's possibly the only trump card us step mothers have - I use it whenever I can!
In fact I will be using it a lot next weekend when dsc are here and mine are on holiday with their dad!

Is your ds asking you to teach him, or getting upset as he can't? Or do they see you as having a lot more patience with him? Xh left a lot of stuff like that to me as dsd would listen to me and it would get fraught between them, so in the end it was better I did.

If its a case if them just taking the piss, I'd just avoid it.

Presumably his mum can't go phoning you up to help him tie his laces when he's at her house, so she'll have to tackle the issue then!

Times when I use the "I'm not your mum" card generally involve complaints over the bigger issues in life, that she has decided - eg age at which they can get mobile phones, ear piercing, etc. My own DCs are similar ages, so I find it's difficult to make distinctions between them over teaching little everyday life skills tbh.

Well I tie his shoes when he's here and I guess his mum or stepdad do it when he's there.
He's not bothered. He'd probably still have his bum wiped for him if we offered!! Lazy little tyke that he is.

I occasionally cut his hair, which he hates having done and moans incessantly. I then get annoyed and vow I'm never doing it again.

The shoelaces is a similar thing. DH and his ex (who I get on ok with to be fair) are just both a bit lazy!

Aren't you all just enabling him not to learn by carrying on tying his laces for him? My 6 year old ties his own laces! The incentive to learn was football boots, and me refusing to buy him lace up trainers until he learnt. He learnt in one sitting.

However, it is not your job to do. I think detach. If his parents are too lazy to bother, then maybe they need their DS to nag them to teach him.

If they really are that lazy, then I second the you tube video to learn from. And a pair shoes to practice on.

Blimey, that's a bit cheeky of your dh and dss's mother. DO play the I'm not your mother card, it's entirely reasonable!

EMS23, does he have friends that can do it? If he does, I've found my ds is more patient learning from his peers than from me; or if not, play the competitive card "you'll be the first one to do it etc".

But in terms of DH and ex passing it to you, I've been guilty of this, just because my DH (ds's sd) has a much less confrontational relationship with ds than I do! So perhaps it's just a mark of how much they both value your relationship with him

Sorry but I think its an honour to teach any child something new. Even if it take multiple attempts, over several weeks. That light bulb moment when you see they finally "get it" is priceless and has nothing to do with what label people have on themselves, DM, DF, DSM, why does it matter? Nor how long it takes. Some children pick things up slower than others.

I taught DSS how to ride his bike -he struggled big time until the age of 12, and til the day I die, I will never forget him pedalling like crazy across the green towards me, realising he had finally cracked it. I couldnt care if I get credit for it, and I dont say "remember how I taught you to ride a bike" because I think it would cause him a conflict of loyalty because his DM tried once, yelled at him and gave up.

Passing on a skill to someone else is a wonderful experience IMHO

Has he tried the king rollo method?

My brother couldn't get the hang of tying laces, then he saw the king rollo episode where he ties his laces by making 2 loops and tying the loops in a granny/ reef knot.

He was about 9 and dyspraxic.

king rollo

Here

Oh and I have hi top all stars.

I never undo the laces, just tie them loosely and slip them on. If you get the tension just right it is possible.

daisy I imagine it depends on the context of the 'relationship' with the child though?

It's harder to consider something an 'honour' and 'rewarding' when there is an expectation from the DCs parents that you will sacrifice your own time rather than they sacrifice theirs; no matter how big the reward, it is only a gift if it is voluntary, not obligatory, surely?

It is often the case that step-parents are left with the 'honour' of only meeting the needs of their DSC that their parents don't want the honour of doing for themselves. That, undoubtedly, breeds resentment.

china I do take on board what you say, but my point is that if becomes less of the "why should I have to do it, its not my responsibility, he/she isnt mine its down to the DPs" and more about the child's needs, what that little person needs at a point in time, then the priority becomes giving that child the sense they are cared about. I totaly "get" some of the awful aspects of being a SP, but just wanted to give an alternative perspective, no other reason.

Call me idealistic but that is how I have been with my DSS and it has made a big difference. I have not taken the DMs place, I have not assumed a role or tried to send subliminal messages, it has literally been about what does that child need here and now.

I do fully appreciate that some DSM on this board feel put upon and things are expected of them and thats a horrid situation. All Im saying is that it isnt the child's fault, they do need protection from all the pillar -to-post stuff thats going on in the background, which translates to the rolling up of sleeves and doing a good enough job, not worrying whose job it is to teach tying shoe laces, riding bikes etc.

The honour is to the young person, whose life is only beginning, and I do feel it is part of doing the right thing, those small acts of kindness will be remembered in future years, I know that!

All Im saying is that it isnt the child's fault, they do need protection from all the pillar -to-post stuff thats going on in the background, which translates to the rolling up of sleeves and doing a good enough job, not worrying whose job it is to teach tying shoe laces, riding bikes etc.

But at what cost? That of the SParents career? Relationship? Other DCs?
Everyone only has so much time and energy to give and if a stepparent invests some of theirs in their stepchild in order to 'protect' them from the drama that their parents have created then that is at the expense of other aspects of the stepparents life.
Stepparents sacrifice an awful lot already - asking them to sacrifice more in order to benefit from the 'honour' of teaching their DCs life skills that their parents can't/won't is not, IMO, a reasonable request.

Daisychain01, in the words of the great and the good of Mumsnet, your posts come across as condescending and rude. Do you mean them to be?

FWIW, my OP was lighthearted and meant to be a humorous dig at the times we stepparents get told "your not my/ their mum" vs the countless times we are expected to step into that parenting role.

Genuinely EMS23 I don't know or care what "the great and the good" say on Mumsnet, it is a forum that is about sharing experiences, opinions and ideas. The fact that people do not necessarily agree about things, doesn't make them condescending and rude. I am sad that you think I was being like that and I genuinely was not intending that at all! My intention was to give the flip-side, alternative view. I personally have had a lot of fulfilment from the smallest things in DSS's life, which may seem insignificant, but they stick in my mind.

If you look at my post to China I did acknowledge the challenges that DSM's have to deal with, I'm not unsympathetic - I'm a DSM after all and had to go through hell, fire and brimstone re issues with exW, keeping the peace, treading on egg-shells (been there, done that!). The 'shining light' that made the scars worth the pain, has been DSS.

I think I may have lost the bit about the "humerous dig", perhaps it got lost in your frustration. I am probably skating on very thin ice here, but in seeing yourself as a 'victim' (well, putting it across like that in your post) and the undertones of frustration, probably aren't helping yourself much. In other words, do you really feel so disempowered that you allow stuff to be "done" to you?

Somehow, it's been decided I should teach him.
DH and his ex do this to me when it's something they can't/ won't do

Maybe it's time to set DH's expectations straight, so that he doesn't put upon you anymore and you don't feel the pent-up resentment - I can imagine it does feel frustrating. You aren't being a bad person by not wanting to get so involved, but maybe doing something unwillingly and with resentment isn't healthy. My post mentioned the joy in teaching, but I do respect that there are people who don't feel the same way as me, their challenges are totally different to mine. I genuinely wasn't judging or seeking to make blame.

You have explained its all just a humerous gag, so I got the wrong end of the stick, well it might be better to do what several posters do and put Can I use my "I'm not your mum" card please? [humerous / light-hearted]. At least it gives people a chance to know your intentions.

Referring to your DSS9 as Lazy little tyke that he is ... hmm am I being condescending to say that doesn't sound good and points to the fact you are bottling up that resentment? Does he know you feel that negative?

I can't imagine referring to my DSS in those terms, but maybe I should just resist the temptation to post a comment if it doesn't match 100% to the OP's opinion ... maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Sorry (genuinely) if I caused offence, none intended. We're all in this together!

China I don't agree that Step Parents should need to make themselves into victims - nobody is asking them to sacrifice careers, relationships, etc. If they put up with crap and don't take control, allow things to be done to them, and having decision made for them, then they are becoming victims. I am not suggesting people do this intentionally, but by not speaking up and making their needs well understood, they are enabling those perceptions that "DSM's needs don't count" "oh, that's OK, muggins over there will sort that out". Shouldn't those DSM/DSF's should be taking matters into their own hands? Surely then, any resentment doesn't spill over to the one innocent party in it all, the child.

they know I won't say no because I'm a bloody pushover! Surely, being a push-over is enabling the bad parenting behaviour to continue. Coming onto Mumsnet to vent, but then continuing to be a push-over in RL doesn't move things forward to an improvement!

In EMS23's case that means her having the honest conversation with her DH to draw to his attention that she feels 'put upon', and that she is not prepared to have her good nature taken for granted any longer. If she is willing to take some role in her DSS's life, then it has to be at a level of involvement she agrees to do - it gives the message that respect must be given.

But its a difficult conversation, that only EMS23 can decide whether its worth the investment of time.