Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

[quest12]

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

[ExcuseTypos]

Do you really want to be with a man who lies to you and his DD?

That would be the bottom line for me and it would be the end of the relationship. I'm sorry to say it but he's a horrible man.

[Petal02]

I've found this whole story quite disturbing right from the beginning.

Quest, I agree with the poster who suggests your DH is creating a two tier home. I'm also beginning to think that your DH dislikes you and your daughter quite intensely, otherwise why would he use his horrible son to antagonise you both in such a spiteful, twisted way.

I never like to sit at my keyboard and tell people to leave their marriages, it's an enormous thing to do regardless of the circumstances. But I do wonder what, if any, positives there are for you? This insidious situation must play on your mind 24/7.

[Petal02]

PS - we need advice from Catsmother here.

[bluebell234]

quest12,
yr dss tortured yr dd long time, maybe 6 yrs as far as I could understand from yr post. yr op is on feb 13.
after that yr dh and dss still playing games.
yr dh has no love respect for yr dd as he has for dss, he has none of it for you at all.
so its been 7 years now this has been going on. why don't you take any action?
yr dd suffering and then getting manipulated. it will get worse.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

I have just read all of this and I am speechless op.

You are doing the right thing protecting your dd, Do not back down to your H emotional blackmail and bullying ways.

Sorry I do not have any other advice for You but I think Petal02 and others are doing a great job in that department.

[FeelingTheFire]

I understand you may love this man (although, that would be seriously tested if it were me with the way he's been treating you both) but it's plain to see from your posts that he has no respect for either you or your DD. If you allow this continue, things are going to go from bad to worse. Before long you're going to start resenting the man. He's clearly treating your DD appallingly and doesn't see you as an equal partner in your marriage.

You seem to be going through hell being married to him. I'm in no way telling you to leave him but I'd go and make a list of pros and cons. Are there more happy times then bad? If you were to take your DD and leave for a couple of days for space - would he miss you as much as he does his son?

The way he's playing Disney with his son and allowing him to call the shots is a runaway disaster.

[RandomMess]

Quest, honetly I think you need to leave him. He is treating you and your dd with no respect or decency AT ALL.

How is it okay to spend all that money on one dc at treat the other in such an awful way?

You are doing your dd no favours IMHO, dc always love their parents and want their approval at that age (if not forever) your dh isn't giving that to her. He is constantly reinforcing how worthless she is compared to his ds - I mean he actually rubs her nose in what he does with his ds - what cruel person does that????

[edamsavestheday]

Why the hell does he come home and rub your dd's nose in it? What spiteful, selfish, plain nasty thing to do. Have you pointed out to him how it feels from dd's point of view?

He sounds horrible and doesn't deserve your dd. I can see where his ds gets his nasty manipulative behaviour from.

[annielouisa]

This cannot go on he is abusing both you and your DD. If I was you I would contact WA and discuss the things that had been happening. I would also advise you to find out about the Freedom Programme as DA is not just about women with black eyes or broken bones it is about being manipulated and worn down and lied to as well.

Do you want your DD to accept being treated with such disprespect and her personal safety being forgotten by a man who cannot parent properly.

[catsmother]

Ha ha Petal !!

FWIW, my advice would be exactly the same as all of you who've posted since the OP updated.

This is a gobsmackingly awful and emotionally abusive situation - there's so much wrong with it I don't know where to start. IMO, I think his attitude and behaviour is emotionally abusive to you Quest (as well as to your DD) .... it's appalling and disgusting that he's using your daughter - his daughter too - to score points off you. It reads as if he's hurting her to get at you. How the fucking hell (excuse my language but I'm furious on your behalf) can he spend the sort of money he does on his son but thinks it's okay for his daughter to get so much less. I actually agree that of course good times can be had without spending very much at all but that's not the point is it ?

I just don't see how this situation can be sustained without your daughter becoming emotionally damaged - and she'll be getting more and more aware of the two-tier stance her own dad is happy to take as she gets older - and without you exploding with resentment, or, and I'm genuinely concerned about this .... succumbing to depression and/or a breakdown with the stress and strain of being treated with such contempt, and living with your daughter's mistreatment on a regular basis.

I think you should LTB too - sorry. Lunar's 1st sentence sums him up perfectly.

And if you're worried that once you split he'd take DD to see SS on his contact time, I think you have every right to place contact on a formal court ordered basis with it taking place in a contact centre (i.e. away from SS) - for the very good reason that he can't be trusted to protect DD from SS (or to tell the truth for that matter).

I know that splitting probably wouldn't change his attitude but at least DD wouldn't then have to live with someone she's getting to know sees her as a second class citizen.

[haveyourselfashandy]

You need to leave this man.He will damage your dd and this will stay with her for the rest of her life.She is being taught that his ds is more important than she will ever be.I would leave him and ensure he had as little contact as possible.He's plating mind games with a child.Sick.

[haveyourselfashandy]

Playing not plating!

[quest12]

His response to me saying stop saying things to her would be to say well I want her to know what your making her miss out on. He is oblivious to the fact that his son caused this situation with his behaviour and is carrying it on by refusing to see me. He thinks its all my fault and the son can do no wrong in his eyes. He's away working for a week left today if I can see the difference this week I may ask him to leave. Thank you for your constant support help and advice xxx

[Petal02]

Quest, please keep posting. You'll get a lot of support here, whatever you decide to do. Please don't disappear.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

I want her to know what you're making her miss out on

Nice passive aggressive EA shit there

[davidtennantsmistress]

I concur vile man it's not for your dd to know at all, it's him to bloody points score and get one over on you. A prime example of a parent using the child as a weapon against the other parent. Vile man.

[mikulkin]

He is 15 for God's sake, he was 14 when he did what he did. You are punishing both him and your DD for life because of the mistakes he did at 14. Why don't you give him a benefit of doubt and let your dd to go once. If he is not nice to her she will tell and you can stop contact again. But you can't hold a grudge against a boy for the rest of your life. He is not adult and it is not like he endangered her in the past, he bullied her, that happens in school too. Would you stop her from going to school or to any public place for the rest of her life?
Let your dd make this choice. I think you got carried away in your fight with DH and forgot what this was about.

[catsmother]

If you read the whole thread Mikulkin you will see that there has been a long established pattern of bullying behaviour from the older child towards the youngest. This is not one single incident.

In addition, the older child is never disciplined - no matter what he does - so feels able, and inappropriately, given both his age and the fact that he is not the most important member of the family, to effectively lay down the law and "refuse" to come to the OP's house unless she "apologises".

The boy's father has made no attempt to explain to him that this is unreasonable. In fact he's done quite the opposite for around a year now - rewarding a long history of spiteful behaviour with expensive presents and flash days out. By doing this he's sending the message to his son that he (the dad) thinks his wife was in the wrong for having the temerity to tell him off when he was particularly nasty (and it sounded long overdue). So the dad has undermined his partner, and basically given him no reason to come back to the house and have a normal relationship because, most 15 year olds would find it far more attractive to keep playing the drama queen when they're rewarded so strongly.

The OP has not banned this child from her house BTW. She simply and quite understandably doesn't want to place her DD in a situation without her where again and again she's been subjected to nastiness by a much older and bigger child. Past experience has shown that very sadly, she can't trust her DH - DD's own father - to deal with any such behaviour from the older child in an effective manner .... where the bully would be disciplined, and where the younger child would therefore actually feel like her own dad gave a flying fuck about her wellbeing.

Of course, I concede that maybe the SS won't be sly and nasty again ..... but good grief, in the OP's shoes would you really take that risk in the light of such a significant back history ? Why the hell should she expose her daughter to that risk, knowing that her DH will almost certainly turn a blind eye, make light, and quite probably hide any such incident from the OP ?

"If he is not nice to her she will tell and you can stop contact again" ...... riiiiggghhhtt, so it doesn't matter if SS thumps her because hey, she can stop contact again and all will be right with the world. FFS - how will that little girl feel if her brother hurts her and her own mum hasn't protected her by sending her into that situation. Plus of course her dad won't give a damn because he's too scared to rock the boat with the boy-who-can-do-no-wrong-no-matter-what-he does.

Let's not forget what a nasty shit the dad here seems to be too. He's quite happy to mess with his own daughter's mind - deliberately upsetting her and goading her by repeatedly telling her what a fantastic time he's had with SS. Apparently he does this so the DD "knows" how unfair her mum's being. In other words, he's using his daughter as a weapon to get at his wife. Regardless of the psychological damage he could be causing. He's pathetic and irresponsible.

And I should imagine that if DD was being bullied at school, for years, where no-one was taking it seriously, and the bully was never disciplined, and the school appeared not to care, that the OP probably would keep her away from such a school ..... just as many poor parents have had to do when their concerns weren't being addressed properly (this topic crops up on these boards quite regularly).

I personally think the OP should LTB, and insist that future contact between dad and DD takes place under supervision because he simply cannot be trusted to look after both his children with equal care and concern. In effect, it reads to me that he's prepared to sacrifice the well being and safety of his younger child in order to keep the older one "sweet".

[quest12]

Thank you cats mother and petal for your support over the long time this has been going on, if I post for advice you 2 are always there and I appreciate it more than words can say. Cats mother as for the 2 tier system you say about this is his doing I wud be happy for him to see his ds then come home and say nowt to add and she wudnt know what they had been doing but he persists and I think is trying to get dd in a position where she resents me from stopping her doing things. Mikulin I have always said DSS is wlcome Here and if I can go out with them me and dd will come it is him who refuses to be around me as he knows he won't be able to get away with his behaviour and god forbid runs the risk of dh seeing what he's capable of. Once again petal and cats mother thank you for all your support and everyone else who has posted and made me feel like I am doing the right thing for my dad. Xxx

[quest12]

Cats mother u posted the same time as me thanks for explaining the situation, when I read what you have written if it was anyone else I would instantly say the dh was in the wrong but my dh so tries to drum it into me I'm the guilty party. Let's put it this way if DSS wanted to behave nicely around dd and not try to make himself look like an angel he would come down, the fact he's got away with it for years and now he's been caught red handed means he will be under constant watch and won't be able to keep up the nice act and so runs the risk of being caught in the act by me and dh at the same time, dh would not be able to brush it under the carpet then and Disney child status along with all the treats wud be lost. He has no incentive to come see me and dd again he is getting treats every week and more expensive presents for bdays and Christmas, what 15 year old would give that up to see his stepmum and sister? Xxx

[davidtennantsmistress]

Quest that's exactly what he's doing, and so far it's working. Please don't let it come between you and your dd.

[Kaluki]

Mikulkin - would you seriously send your young dd off out for the day knowing she could be physically hurt by an older child and not protected by the adult in charge?
Quest - I agree with Catsmother and Petal. Your DH is disgusting and abusive to you and your DD and I can't believe you haven't kicked his sorry arse out of your life!!

[Petal02]

Would you seriously send your young daughter off out for the day knowing she could be physically hurt by an older child, and not protected by the adult in charge?

This is made a million times worse when you remember that the “adult in charge” is the girl’s father. This whole story has shocked me – to think that a man would be happy to watch his small daughter come to harm, just to keep the perpetrator sweet?

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

By mikulkins thinking I should give it a couple of years and let my SS come and visit again, after all he was 'only' 12 when he decided to sexually abuse my ds, if I wait then forgive him he can come back into ds life stronger and more manipulative maybe more able to silence ds with threats, maybe he could then continue his abuse of my son...
Or maybe I could invite exp round as I'm sure even though he used to beat and rape me it'd be really nice to have his company.

Of course both of the above are said sarcastically


Get real mikulkins how stupid does your comment sound?

[mikulkin]

Things, sexual abuse is completely different story so your comparison is out of place here. This is about pushing, picking on which could happen between any siblings, sexual abuse is not smth which could or should happen between siblings. I also do not appreciate people being rude, and I think you are being rude by saying that my comment sounds stupid.

Kaluki, if I believed that my dd wouldn't be protected by her father I wouldn't be with this man in the first place. Op is still with her husband isn't she?

Petal, thanks for a very good comment - I think OP and people who support her keep not seeing elephant in the room. This is not a problem between OP's DSS and DD this is a problem between OP and her DH. If op is scared for her dd knowing her DH will be with them then how can she live with such a man? If the tormenting is so bad that dd shouldn't go there shouldn't her father be concerned too? If he doesn't it sound like he either truly believes the communication will be fine or he is horrible father. If it is the former then I stand by my point that dd should be able to meet with her half sibling and start from clean sheet. If it is the latter then why on earth op is still with her DH and why do you all suggest she doesn't send dd instead of explaining to her that she shouldn't live with the man who allows his DD being tormented?
Have any of you considered how confused poor DD is? Her DF says she should go, she doesn't remember anything bad and her DM wouldn't let her? Give her a couple of years and she will ask her DM:" how could you not let me go if my DF is there? If anything goes wrong he would protect me" what are you going to answer then, OP?