Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

[quest12]

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

[flurp]

Round of applause for catsmother

[dignifiedsilence]

Theydeserve...what do you mean by your comment? It sounds to me like the OP has been living with a very difficult situation and walking around this child on eggshells because IMHO his dad doesn't parent him properly. I don't think she has in any way not accepted him as part of the family more the fact he gets away with bad behaviour.

[Petal02]

OP - can you update us, has there been any more developments ?

[Petal02]

Just bumping this up, hoping the OP will come back and update us?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Another bump...also wondering. Any updates OP?

[quest12]

sorry for the delay but hubs ended up leaving and taking the laptop with him, ds refused to come down although his mum told dh this not him so dh seen him on his own and came back and said i had to apologise or he was leaving so i told him to go, he did but came back 2 days later saying he had made a big mistake and he would not talk about me saying sorry again, he has seen ds on his own and ds has said to him he wants to come down but his mum would be angry if he did as she thinks im evil apparently so i can assume i have been talked about lots in their house!! i am willing to let this continue and not back down as i feel i am in the right, if he comes back to stay with us or visit it will be on my terms and my daughter will be my main priority and dh knows this now it was one of my main things i made clear when he was begging to come back! so he knows it wont be tolerated! thanks for all your replies and concern xxxxxxx

[allnewtaketwo]

Good for you quest, you did the right thing for your daughter

[allnewtaketwo]

Good for you quest, you did the right thing for your daughter

[Petal02]

Quest, great to hear from you. Well done for sticking to your guns and fighting for better treatment for your daugher. You called his bluff and you won!

[brdgrl]

Good. I hope things continue to improve.

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

I'll answer your question, mum.

If you were a teacher, and one if your pupils, much older than your DD, elbowed your own DD in the face, and then laughed at her afterwards, I would bet your bottom dollar that you would react emotively, like a mother bear protecting her cubs.

Because I know I would.

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

Just read the update - I'm glad this seems to have some improvements.

[Jan45]

Great!

[quest12]

although i know i am in the right by protecting my daughter by not backing down can anyone tell me how this might go in the future? my hubs is seeing dss on his own at the mo but hates that he cant bring him here (dss choice not mine i have said hes welcome) if he decides he never wants to come here again how will the future go? does anyone think i should try to broker peace for my dhs sake or should i stick to my guns?

[Alwayscheerful]

Petal and notadisneymum always seem to have good strategies.

Fwiw I think you are now on the right track?

I have a grown up daughter and 3 stepchildren, they have been in my life 10 years, as a family we have blended and I love them, there have been more good times than bad but it has been tough going. The children's mother loves them but they experience a chaotic life with her - low level neglect, years of nits, late nights, very poor diets, unwashed bedding but lots of treats, holidays, trips to New York, meals out, takeaways and private school for the youngest. To add to the chaos she had another child 3 years years ago and is still a single parent. We have never tried to compete with the treats, we try to structure their weekend weekends with us in a loving home with two parents who live by example, good food, clean beds, lots of sleep and Lots of laughter. The children have at times commented on the different life styles in the two households, I know they find it difficult, but they seem to benefit from the boundaries we set and being loved and nurtured.

We make decisions together, we support each other, we sing from the same hymn sheet where discipline is concerned and the children can never work out which of us is the weaker one or who is in charge. The youngest once asked "so who is in charge then?"

My advice to you is stick to your guns, decide on the outcome you want and do what is necessary to achieve it.

My husband would describe it as playing the long game, he would say goodness will prevail, he means do the right thing and things will turn out ok in the end.

I have rambled but I am trying to say fight for what you all need, stay strong for both the children and stick to your guns, always try to do the right thing and remember what children need most is boundaries.

Xx

[Petal02]

Quest, you are definitely doing the right thing by protecting your daughter?s interests. And it?s not as though your DH isn?t seeing his son, it?s just that the son isn?t visiting your house, due to his own choice.

However if your DH was prepared to do some proper parenting, there would be no reason why the son couldn?t have ?normal? visits your house, as if disciplined appropriately, he would no longer pose a threat to your daughter?s well-being.

To a degree, your DSS is still calling the shots with your DH; you?ve said he?s welcome to come to the house, DSS is refusing and your DH is indulging this. As you?ve been really strong and have achieved results, I?d be tempted (as the earlier poster said) to play the long came ? if you attempt to broker peace with an over-indulged 13 yr old (I think you said he?s 13?) you?re also pandering to him. He?s not the adult here; don?t give him too much power.

Stick to your guns!!!

[Alwayscheerful]

Quite agree petal, "lets remember who the adults are" is one of our favourites.

[dignifiedsilence]

I found this link quite useful

www.ehow.com/how_2357518_deal-disrespectful-step-child.html

[AnAirOfHope]

Dont.back down. If Dss cant be nice then let dh see him away from the home untill dh grows balls and starts putting boundries in place.

How old is dss?

[Kaluki]

Dignified - that link is brilliant. Just the sort of common sense attititude that is missing in so many stepfamilies.
Quest - I agree don't back down or try to make the peace.
If your DP won't parent his child then he will have to see him away from you. This is the easy option for him so let him carry on.
You can have a nice time with your DD without her being scared of her stepbrotehr.

[dignifiedsilence]

Thanks Kaluki I thought it gave a balanced and fair way of dealing with things.

[Petal02]

Also, if you back down in any way to appease DSS, you're doing this to the detriment of your daughter.

[Kaluki]

I'm going to print it off and stick it to my fridge!!!

[Alwayscheerful]

Excellent common sense link.

[theredhen]

Dignified, I also really like the link!