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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At the end of my teather :(

66 replies

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 19:07

Sorry ladies I just need to rant. Dss has been here for 4 hours ( out if the full weekend) and I can't take anymore. He just brings total chaos with him. Dh was still working at home when he arrived and ds was playing nicely in his sand pit. Dss went straight outside and started winding ds up as usual, so dh told them both off and put a DVD on for them to watch. Dss then kept carrying on winding ds up throughout the film and continuing the stupid games he plays 2 mins after being asked not to. Dss then started playing with a toy that ds got from Knowsley safari park last week. Dh asked him not to as he was using it to wind ds up and Dss broke it then claimed ds had done it, despite dh hearing Dss do it and ds being on on the stairs having been to the toilet. I'm furious about this as ds loves his toy and it cannot be replaced from a local shop. Ds was by this time totally wound up and misbehaving, which he never does except when Dss is here. He can play nicely with any other child, but Dss brings out the absolute worst in him. I'm sick of ds being told off for behaviours he would never display when Dss is not here :( I just can't cope with the rest of the weekend :(

OP posts:

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exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 19:14

I think that you need to sit down and do some work as a family. DSS is bound to be difficult-another DS is spending all the time with his father when he isn't there and when he does see him he is treated like a visitor.
I think that you need to stop thinking that you are a family of 3 with a visitor and seeing yourself as a family of 4.
How old are they and are they step brothers or half brothers?

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 19:27

I don't know how you've arrived at the the conclusion that Dss is treated as a visitor? I understand that it must be difficult for him but his behaviour is the same all the time whether here, at home, at school etc it's just how he is. I don't think there are any circumstances where it's ok to break another child's things and then lie?

OP posts:

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 19:29

Oh Dss is 12, ds is 3 and they are half siblings.

OP posts:

humptydidit · 03/08/2012 20:31

olibeans have no words of wisdom but can appreciate how hard this is for you and for everybody involved

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 20:58

He is a visitor in that his brother gets his father 100% and he doesn't. I expect he is jealous.

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 21:02

Well how on earth can we change that? Expect Dss to not see his mum? Make ds only see his dad half the week? We can't but you seem to think we can. I appreciate it's hard for children who don't see their parents every day but that does not excuse his behaviour and does not make it any easier to deal with.

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exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 21:43

Do you do anything with DSS on your own- just the 2 of you?

Theydeserve · 03/08/2012 21:54

I think OP needs to chill out.

DSS is jealous, who can blame him - not his choice. Some suggestions above seem quite sensible and maybe you should take them on board.

Also siblings annoy the hell out of each other, I tormented by younger brother, this is sibling rivalry and you need to accept this happens.

Your DS is not perfect but neither is DSS evil and the root cause of all evil.

Let them be brothers - something you are clearly not ready to do.

Poor kid

topknob · 03/08/2012 21:56

why didn't the step child go to the safari place??

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 21:57

When you have a second DC you have to allow for the older one being jealous and do things with them. How much are you doing for the older brother without his younger one about?

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:00

You obviously do things alone with the younger one- how often do you do something like get a babysitter and take the older one to the cinema or similar? Just you, DH and DSS?

humptydidit · 03/08/2012 22:08

olibeans I totally feel your pain and frustration. I bet yr instinct is to push dss away. That's one of the toughest part about step parenting, that you feel torn sometimes between yr own bio kids and the step kids.

Somebody told me, when I'm struggling with dss, that instead of being cross with him, there will be more milleage in focussing on the positives, like you would do with a small child and praising him up and trying to re-focus on the good rather than letting the bad stuff get you down.

I have yet to put this into practice, but I think might be worth a shot!

poorfoxyloxy · 03/08/2012 22:11

olibean, I tottally understand how you feel. my ss used to come over and it was a nightmare, he would kick off and stir it up etc, he would go from being centre of the universe where he had no boundaries, to us, where there are three other siblings and not easy to slot into life at ours. being a stepparent is hard, and my opinion is that you can't love them like your own, I can't anyway. I try to do right by them, but I don't love them like I love my bio dd. end of. The way I have coped is to dissassociate, step back and let your partner take the reins. we still have problems, but it's usually the first two or three days when he comes to us that are the worst, then the behaviour settles down.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:23

And there lies the problem - they know that they don't have the same love as their brother or sister - of course they react.

poorfoxyloxy · 03/08/2012 22:29

Not true exotic, I also live with two other step kids who don't act up... how do you explain that?

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:31

It is just like a bio family - some older siblings take to a baby without fuss - some are dreadful.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:36

I just wonder when they had the younger one, what steps did they take to make sure the older one wasn't jealous and to make sure that he had the special position of older brother? How much was he allowed to help with the baby? How much did they do with the older one without the baby? I have a 8 yr gap and you can't expect the older one to always do things at the younger level- we had to make sure that he got time at his level. It is difficult once you have a joint DC because it is very easy for the part time DC to feel that he isn't an equal part of the family.

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 22:37

Yeah you're probably right maybe u do need to chill out. Tomorrows another day and hopefully it'll be better. Of course ds isn't perfect it's just difficult when his behaviour changes so rapidly at the arrival of Dss.

I do do things with Dss in the house, I do all his homework with him and extra work that he asked to do and we often do baking. No we don't go out alone together though as I can't manage his behaviour by myself, plus Dss thinks that ds is doing something better even if he isn't iyswim.

We could get my mum to have ds for a night and do something with Dss though so thanks for that suggestion.

Dss didn't come to the safari park as my mum took me and ds on a day when she would usually look after ds while I'm at work, but I'm off for the holidays now. Dss was at his mums and also had tonsillitis. There's no way I'd stop my mum from taking ds out because Dss was at his mums, although it wouldnt happen if Dss was at ours, and I didn't specifically mention that the toy was from the safari park so it's not like we were rubbing it in.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:39

How often does DH do something with the older one alone? How often does DH have the younger one while OP does something with the older one?

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:40

Sorry - cross posted.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 22:42

You have a similar gap to me and it isn't easy. Trying to go out to suit a 12yr old and a 3 yr old is a problem.

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 22:53

It's different for us as Dss is still very 'young' in his mindset. So we're lucky in that respect as Dss is very much into the same things as ds. His favourite thing is soft play so he can go in under the guise of 'helping' ds, he also likes kids films, farms, zoos etc even parks and Dss likes to play with ds's toys rather than his own preteenager 'stuff'. We have been advised to accept this as its a stage he needs to go through.

Tbh if one of us tried to do something 'older' with Dss and one do something 'younger' with ds, Dss would not like it one bit.

We go out most Saturdays and I take ds to Sunday school on Sunday while dh stays with Dss doing boy stuff.

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brdgrl · 04/08/2012 01:31

olibeans, you have been given a hard time on this thread. I don;t have much advice, but I wanted to send some sympathy, anyway.
I don't think you need to defend yourself. It sounds worth a rant.

whattocallmyself · 04/08/2012 01:41

bollox should you love them the same, dss has his own mum to love him as a mother should

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 04/08/2012 06:56

Thanks brdgrl, sometimes a rant is necessary to avoid real life ranting! :)

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