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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At the end of my teather :(

66 replies

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 19:07

Sorry ladies I just need to rant. Dss has been here for 4 hours ( out if the full weekend) and I can't take anymore. He just brings total chaos with him. Dh was still working at home when he arrived and ds was playing nicely in his sand pit. Dss went straight outside and started winding ds up as usual, so dh told them both off and put a DVD on for them to watch. Dss then kept carrying on winding ds up throughout the film and continuing the stupid games he plays 2 mins after being asked not to. Dss then started playing with a toy that ds got from Knowsley safari park last week. Dh asked him not to as he was using it to wind ds up and Dss broke it then claimed ds had done it, despite dh hearing Dss do it and ds being on on the stairs having been to the toilet. I'm furious about this as ds loves his toy and it cannot be replaced from a local shop. Ds was by this time totally wound up and misbehaving, which he never does except when Dss is here. He can play nicely with any other child, but Dss brings out the absolute worst in him. I'm sick of ds being told off for behaviours he would never display when Dss is not here :( I just can't cope with the rest of the weekend :(

OP posts:

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brdgrl · 06/08/2012 11:59

in non-blended families - on irregular occasions there might be some activity which would be suitable for the older child and not the younger, and perhaps one or both of the adults would take the older child while the younger stays with a sitter. Fair enough.

Likewise, there are activities which are not appropriate for an older child, and perhaps then the older child would be left with a sitter (or on their own, if old enough) while the adults take the younger child.

So, if we are going to carry on as though everything were "usual", then there might be times when the older child came for a weekend, and activities happened that did not include him - just as happens in a "normal" family.

But I submit that if the OP suggested she and her DH took the 3-year-old out and left DSS with a sitter, some posters would find this unreasonable.

It is a double standard. The family is expected to opperate 'abnormally' to deal with a 'normal' situation.

Normal sibling rivalry (and I agree with allnew, there is nothing 'normal' about this level of behaviour given the age gap - or at least, nothing acceptable!) can be dealt with but not by giving the older sibling special status.

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 12:00

Sending the wrong messages to kids doesn't bring about positive longterm outcomes, though!

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 12:02

But I submit that if the OP suggested she and her DH took the 3-year-old out and left DSS with a sitter, some posters would find this unreasonable

Why would they do that though? The DSS is rarely there so they would have ample opportunity to do 3 year old stuff with the 3 year old!

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 12:03

As opposed to whatever message he's getting now?

I think we should at least consider the possibility that at least one "message" the DSS is getting now is "at dad's house, I can treat sibling and his things exactly as I like and get away with it."

Intead of assuming, without basis, that the message he is being given is "you're not wanted, you're being pushed aside and replaced" and the other things suggested (again without any basis from the OP!) on this thread, purely because he is a stepchild.

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 12:06

The only thing I'm assuming based on what's written here is that for whatever reason (and many have been suggested) this boy is not happy and this is being displayed in his behavior.

If he was a bio child and not a step child I'd assume the same based on his behavior alone.

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 12:06

Why would they do that though? The DSS is rarely there so they would have ample opportunity to do 3 year old stuff with the 3 year old!

But the logic is the same - that is what happens in "normal" families.

See? It doesn't really work.

Suppose there is a special event for younger DS on the weekend when DSS is there - should DS miss out then?

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 12:08

No he shouldn't miss out. There are two of his parents present so one can take him. Obviously that will be his mum!

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 12:09

The point is though that in 'normal' families everyone is there all the time. Step families are different in that way.

allnewtaketwo · 06/08/2012 12:38

"The only thing I'm assuming based on what's written here is that for whatever reason (and many have been suggested) this boy is not happy and this is being displayed in his behavior"

That's not all you're assuming though. You're assuming that the reason he is unhappy has got something to do with his dad's household. It's perfectly possible that he's unhappy at his mum's house, and is displaying this unhappiness at dad's house. But of course youv'e assumed (yawn) that it's because of his status as a step-child and that the OP and her husband should be changing their behavious/lifestyle to address it.

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 12:57

Umm no.

My assumption of this boy being unhappy is just that. I don't think its because he's evil or any such nonsense.

As I said 'for whatever reason and many have been suggested'

Why he is unhappy isn't really the issue. Sorting it out for everyones benefit is

I'm not saying its what's going on in the OPs household is to blame. But as the adults in that household its down to her and her DH to sort it.

allnewtaketwo · 06/08/2012 13:02

I don't disagree they need to sort it out - I disagree though that the first assumption should be that it's a "step" problem. I also disagree that the family should be considering changing their lifestyle on the assumption that the child doesn't feel he is getting enough time with them.

Tbh my personal view is that is if a 12 year old is deliberately breaking toys belonging to a 3 year old, there are indeed some issues to be sorted. The first step should be to try and determine what these issues are. This isn't normal behaviour and should not be tolerated.

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 14:19

No he shouldn't miss out. There are two of his parents present so one can take him. Obviously that will be his mum!

Obviously? Really? DD is two. There are activities that DH and I take her to together - especially if it is a special event. Or that DH would like to go to with her, just as he did with his older children. "Missing out" is obviously about more than attendence, or we could just say "well, older DSS can do that thing with his mum, so doesn't really need to go with his dad."

I am not actually suggesting that on a regular basis, the older (and non-resident) child be left while the younger child is taken out - I am trying to illustrate the double standard here, in response to the suggestion that when older DSS comes to visit, a solution to his behavioural problems is to take him out and leave the younger child with a babysitter.

Some people want to tell the OP to "chill out" because this is "normal". Not only is it not "normal", but the "solution" being proposed is not "normal".

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 14:25

There are women in the OP's position who have a strict access rota, with older and teenage DSCs - some, for instance, have DSCs every weekend or every other weekend. Does this mean, then, that on weekends the social lives and activities or the entertainment of the DSCs comes first, every weekend? That's nonsensical. These children live in two homes, and life goes on in both homes - and sometimes that life does not centre around them.

It should not centre around one child in the mother's home, and it shoudl not centre around one child in the father's home. If a child is unhappy because life is not centering around them, or because a smaller child has different needs for attention, that child does indeed have a problem, and I agree it needs sorting out. Making that child the centre of family life is not a way I would go about sorting it.

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 06/08/2012 21:05

Sorry but amberleaf: you say you're not making assumptions but then you say Dss is rarely at our house : he's at our house 3 nights a week! Do yeah... Massive assumptions here...

OP posts:

Original poster

olibeansmummy · 06/08/2012 21:19

Everyone else : thanks for your replies, there are loads!

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 22:29

You mentioned 'the weekend' in your OP. So hardly an assumption was it? I was going on what you had said.

But yeah ignore everything else I've said! I was far from scathing.

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