At the end of my teather :(

[olibeansmummy]

Sorry ladies I just need to rant. Dss has been here for 4 hours ( out if the full weekend) and I can't take anymore. He just brings total chaos with him. Dh was still working at home when he arrived and ds was playing nicely in his sand pit. Dss went straight outside and started winding ds up as usual, so dh told them both off and put a DVD on for them to watch. Dss then kept carrying on winding ds up throughout the film and continuing the stupid games he plays 2 mins after being asked not to. Dss then started playing with a toy that ds got from Knowsley safari park last week. Dh asked him not to as he was using it to wind ds up and Dss broke it then claimed ds had done it, despite dh hearing Dss do it and ds being on on the stairs having been to the toilet. I'm furious about this as ds loves his toy and it cannot be replaced from a local shop. Ds was by this time totally wound up and misbehaving, which he never does except when Dss is here. He can play nicely with any other child, but Dss brings out the absolute worst in him. I'm sick of ds being told off for behaviours he would never display when Dss is not here :( I just can't cope with the rest of the weekend :(

Of course you can't love them the same but you do have to realise that you have a family of 4 and the DCs are equal. I have 3DCs and I am certainly not having one treated differently to the other 2 because he doesn't happen to be DH's biological DC - I wouldn't have had more DCs unless they were treated the same.
If DSS is young for his age it helps with the going out and activities but it also explains why he winds up his brother - it is what siblings do. As he matures he will stop doing it.

Olibean, in sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread. Its very hard to adjust, and lately I'm finding the first few hours quite difficult. SD is getting helpful ideas from her mum on top of everything else.

Of course I feel possessive when the first thing SD does is take DDs toys from her, especially the ones she holds dear or has been playing with all week and tells a 1.5yo that she'll just have to find another one coz its hers now!

It is perfectly normal, I remember when I was a kid doing the same to my little sister when I came in after school! Its just now pronounced because one of the kids isn't there all the rime. Its impossible to treat two brothers exactly the same, there will always be differences, and this is obviously now pronounced with halfsiblings, Especially when there us such an age difference.

Its always useful to have somewhere to rant, that won't judge you, but offer sympathy. Goodness knows biological parents need it sometimes too. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread as well as last night, its not helpful is it?

I am not meaning to give a hard time - it is what normal siblings do and OP goes from the nice ordered life of 1 DC to having 2, when one is probably jealous because he has missed out. My mother used to tell us that most siblings didn't argue the way we did - they do! My DSs knew exactly which buttons to press to annoy each other and get a reaction - if bored they put it into use!
Having 2 DCs is very different from one. They get the useful side in that DSS does quite childish things with them - the downside is that he has the behaviour to match. As he grows out of the childish things he will grow out of winding his brother up - but that is also difficult - doing something with a 15yr old and a 6 yr old isn't easy.

I've got a 2 year old and a 15 year old. DSS doesn't get to hit DD, break her toys, or act up when she gets more attention than him.

There are a lot of unfair assumptions being made here about how DSS is treated, too!

The behaviour may be explained but it should not be excused.

But it's very normal for both children to play up when they are together. Mine do it, and both have the same parents. Add my boyfriends two in as well, and it's a grumpy jealous chaos. I can imagine that if I only had ds2, then my boyfriends kids came, I'd be appalled at the change in ds2's behaviour, because he is a delight on s own, but luckily he has a permanent brother and is horrible when they are together too.

Your dss isn't being a nightmare, he's being an older brother.

And the problem is, of course, that you cannot treat them equally. Your sons parents live together, he gets time with mummy and daddy in the house where he lives. Your dss had that too, to a point, and then it stopped when his dad, for whatever reason, didn't live there any more. Or maybe hues never had that at all? But your bio son does have that, that elusive nuclear family that all children perceive as the ideal, so of course your dss is going to be ragingly jealous. His half brother has a much more desirable life.

Oh fgs. No one is giving the OP a hard time! Suggestions have been made as to how to counter jealousy as it appears from an outside view that its a case of sibling rivalry with the added twist of DSS not living with you full time.

When you are 12 yrs old 3 year old sibs are bloody annoying and sometimes easy to wind up as an outlet at your own frustrations.

DSS behavior is a symptom of a problem that is up to his dad and you to solve. His dad because he's his dad and you because as mum of his little brother it concerns you.

I do know that when my ex had a baby with his girlfriend, my children were furious. She had their daddy all to herself, and she still does, six days out of seven. It's horrible for them. She's five years younger than my youngest, so needs so much attention, and their one to one time with their dad has vanished. Ds2 started pretending to be a baby when she was born, constantly demanding love, and cuddles and bottles etc. he was 5! But he was used to being his daddy's darling, and then he was utterly displaced by a baby who got his daddy all the time.

You have to remember that your dss thinks of your partner as HIS dad, not your sons dad.

I agree-I would have found it very difficult to go from being 'Daddy's girl' to only seeing him at contact time and meanwhile I am replaced by a sibling who gets him all the time. It is bad enough for some DCs to have a new baby when they are there all the time and share the same parents! I know adults who are still resentful!

There's always a lot of assumptions on step parenting threads brdgrl. I think people put their own circumstances on to others tbh. Dh was not with dss's mum when he was born so he didn't lose his dad then get replaced.

I agree that we could do more on our own with Dss but jealousy is certainly not the only factor in his behaviour. Dss is actually worse behaved for his mum according to her. He doesn't have tantrums for us or swear at ds which he does to his other half siblings at his mums. None of his half siblings have dads who are with his mum so all the children there are in the same position so that isn't jealousy.

Phew I've just read this thread and poor you

Sibling rivary is 1 thing but it sounds like DSS doesn't have much structure at his mum's if he is behaving that badly, all kids need boundaries and i know that DSD behaviour has drastically changed being with us full time (to the extent that Bjm's mum commented on it!) as Bm wasn't structured or consistant also at 12 he will be dealing with hormones and not knowing how to deal with them

I hope your weekend gets better

He obviously has a lot to contend with as a 12yr old.

Yes. His parents are split up, like many other kids. He has a younger sibling, like many other children. And he's acting up, like many other children. I hope your DH is calling him up on his bad behaviours, like many other children are called up.

Go ahead and rant. You aren't doing anything wrong, and it is absurd that you are being told to "chill out" - as though it is your uptight attitude which is causing the problem. Actually, even though people will say here "this is normal sibling rivalry", what they are also saying is "but THIS child needs special treatment"!

Actually, even though people will say here "this is normal sibling rivalry", what they are also saying is "but THIS child needs special treatment"!

It is normal sibling rivalry.

What won't help is treating it as a 'step' issue.

Its normal. That's I suspect why OP is being told to chill.

But amber, many of these posts aren't just saying "it is normal; don't treat it as a step issue; get on with parenting as you would with any child" - they are saying, in one way or another, "he's acting out because he feels rejected because he is in a stepfamily" and suggesting that the OP change her attitude or behaviour.

So yes, it is a step issue.

It does sound as if your dss has a very chaotic life, with half siblings with both his mum and dad. Perhaps your Dh could spend more one on one time with his son, whilst you do something with your own ds? Your dss needs to feel he is special and has that undivided attention that perhaps he is not getting at his mums . . Of course the boys are siblings but their relationship isn't exactly the same as that of siblings living together 24/7, and I would suspect that your dss needs a strong relationship with his dad at this point in his life more than with anyone else right now. Encourage them to do things together and wave them off with a smile, that way no-one feels guilty/left out/jealous, it's hard but if your dss has a strong relationship with his dad, with special things that they do together, he may well be less inclined to take out his frustrations on your ds!

Brdgirl. I think its a normal issue exacerbated by being in a step family tbh.

These sorts of posts are never easy on here cos they get responses by people from both sides of the fence and projection galore!

I honestly think this is an issue that can be remedied by a bit of ongoing sustained dad/son time from OPs DH.

Seriously my 15 year old DS can be an utter arsehole to my 9 year old! Its normal.

My 9 year old however does have a few subtle jealousy issues withg his 5 year old half sister. Currently being worked through at the mo.

Its never easy step or not. Kids can be funny creatures whatever their parentage.

I make no judgement on the OP at all. Honestly.

I think Dss behavior while annoying is not unusual in families. My 8 yr old and 2 yr old fight like cat and dog and it drives me pooty - 8 year old just doesn't accept that 2 year old cannot be hit back.....etc nor that his toys are not designed for violent play by an 8 year old sometimes.

Regardless of what they may say I think it is important to do some things separate as well as together. We do this even though our boys are 8 and 9 - if I take one cycling they will both want to come but then I will do something spearate with the other. IME siblings love to play together but they also NEED time apart as well. Speaking as a blended family I would also say DSS and DH need activities which are just "theirs" as well

I dont think the way this 12 year old is interacting with his 3 year old brother normal sibling rivalry at all. Not with such a huge age gap. My 13 year old DSS is great with 4 year old DS and always has been. He has no interest in DS's toys, let alone breaking them FFS

And as for exotic's suggestion that OP and DH should leave their child with a babysitter and go out just with DSS . What a horrible way to treat them both as "equals". I'm sure a 3 year old would really understand that and not learn to resent his brother coming at all

OP rant away, sounds pretty difficult

And as for Exotic?s suggestion that OP and DH should leave their child with a babysitter and go out just with DSS ??.

What a dreadful suggestion. That?s not creating parity or remedying the situation, its simply (and how many times do we hear this) awarding the step child with elevated status to compensate them for their situation.

The OP?s child would, as Allnew rightly points out, quickly pick up on this and of course it will lead to resentment. If the OP?s child ends up with a babysitter every time his half-brother arrives he?ll surely come to see access weekends as negative occasions.

Of course the little one wouldnt see the access weekends as negative, no-one is suggesting that the OP gets a sitter every weekend!

Its normal in many many families, blended, nucleur, extended, and lone for older children to go out with their parents. It certainly happened in my family when I was a child and happened when my DD and DSC were younger. Its a lovely thing to do for the older child, makes them feel special and grown up especially if the child doesnt live full time with their parent.

The younger sibling can have other special times.

In my opinion this is a great suggestion and one which can really help.

Well I think it's a cr*p sugestion

Yes in 'nuclear' families a child can get time with parents alone, but not through artificially creating that time by hiring a babysitter for goodness sake. Probably more likely if the other sibling is doing something else on a particular occasion, which is really quite unlikely for a 3 year old.

What's wrong with the child's father having time with the child just the 2 of them. Absolutely ridiculous that the step-mother should dump her own child to join them though.

Its certainly something that happens in 'normal' faamilies.

I have 3 sons and for a long while I've done this. Every now and then I'll arrange for someone to be with two of them while I go out with one of them. Doesn't have to be anything big or expensive. Just knowing a date/time has been set aside is enough to make it feel special.

But surely the message you'd give out to DSS would be "if you turn up and cause trouble, break your brother's toys and general upset him, then we'll reward you with a trip out, leaving your pesky little brother at home" - and we wonder why blended families are often so dysfunctional??????

As opposed to whatever message he's getting now?

Its really not about messages though its about a positive long term outcome for all concerned.