How do I go about this delicately?! Rather long..sorry!

[Lilypad34]

Hello,

This is my first time posting so please be gentle! :) my OH and I have been together almost 5 yrs we very recently became engaged. He has a daughter who is 8, I have decided that I do not want my own children and I do love his daughter (who I also refer to as mine!) very much.

She's an only child and over the years we have all been through a few learning curves, I don't have a relationship with his ex I find her handling of DSD at times jaw dropping. However as she is the mother I have never nor would I ever say anything to cause offence in front of DSD.

My soon to be step daughter is often shipped between us and her grandparents as her mother finds her hard to cope with for long periods of time. DSD is over the top hyper and if she is not the centre of attention at all times will cause whatever disturbance she can to get attention.

My now fiancé can at times be classed as a Disney dad, it appears both he and his ex have allowed DSD to bring herself up, resulting in lack of manners, no pleases or thank yous and a well instilled belief that she can do as she pleases whenever with no consequences.

I have a good relationship with her as I very quickly set my boundaries and she knows when I say no it means no and even the biggest tantrum has no effect.

My question after this very long winded essay is this...OH & I have decided to have a very quiet wedding away just the 2 of us. Now that DSD knows we are engaged (which she's really happy about..phew) I'm concerned her mum and grandparents will begin the .bridesmaid talk.

We plan on having a reception on our return from getting married and that is where I would love DSD to be my maid of honour, to wear a dress she loves and to be a part of all things girly for the event.

How am I going to explain to her that she is not going to to be at the wedding but will be a very important part of our reception without causing her upset? I dont want her to feel pushed out or feel she isn't wanted. She quite sensitive and I want to get this right so she's happy.

Also I'd like to avoid a huge tantrum and for my OH to feel guilty.

Thank you, sorry it was so long!

My dsd wasn't invited to our legal bit, only our parents were. She was there the next day though for the proper celebration. In over 12 years it's never come up as an issue . We have a brilliant relationship and I think if I asked her she'd probably say that she wouldn't have wanted to sit through something so boring! I'd have made same decision as you.

A little update! Hello, it's been a while, there have been tears tantrums and that's just the ex! Anyway, I decided it wasn't fair to dictate to my OH who he had at our day simply because very sadly neither of my parents will be sharing our day in person.

So the upshot is, we now have a guest list and DSD is my bridesmaid! It feels right to have all those we love so much to share our day and tbh I am not at all worried about SD, there will be enough people to nip any potential issues in the bud!

This year will I hope be a very merry Christmas!

:)