How do I go about this delicately?! Rather long..sorry!

[Lilypad34]

Hello,

This is my first time posting so please be gentle! :) my OH and I have been together almost 5 yrs we very recently became engaged. He has a daughter who is 8, I have decided that I do not want my own children and I do love his daughter (who I also refer to as mine!) very much.

She's an only child and over the years we have all been through a few learning curves, I don't have a relationship with his ex I find her handling of DSD at times jaw dropping. However as she is the mother I have never nor would I ever say anything to cause offence in front of DSD.

My soon to be step daughter is often shipped between us and her grandparents as her mother finds her hard to cope with for long periods of time. DSD is over the top hyper and if she is not the centre of attention at all times will cause whatever disturbance she can to get attention.

My now fiancé can at times be classed as a Disney dad, it appears both he and his ex have allowed DSD to bring herself up, resulting in lack of manners, no pleases or thank yous and a well instilled belief that she can do as she pleases whenever with no consequences.

I have a good relationship with her as I very quickly set my boundaries and she knows when I say no it means no and even the biggest tantrum has no effect.

My question after this very long winded essay is this...OH & I have decided to have a very quiet wedding away just the 2 of us. Now that DSD knows we are engaged (which she's really happy about..phew) I'm concerned her mum and grandparents will begin the .bridesmaid talk.

We plan on having a reception on our return from getting married and that is where I would love DSD to be my maid of honour, to wear a dress she loves and to be a part of all things girly for the event.

How am I going to explain to her that she is not going to to be at the wedding but will be a very important part of our reception without causing her upset? I dont want her to feel pushed out or feel she isn't wanted. She quite sensitive and I want to get this right so she's happy.

Also I'd like to avoid a huge tantrum and for my OH to feel guilty.

Thank you, sorry it was so long!

OK I should have said IMO parents Parents SHOULD always put their children first on these occasions.

That's better

Even the OP's mother will not see her dd getting married. Weddings don't always have to be everyone's storybook idea of what a wedding is, and of all things a wedding shouldn't need to revolve around one child's (unknown as yet) expectations.

A low key message to the relatives, ILs, DSD and her mother of 'oh we're having a short basic legal bit on our own, and then we'll be celebrating with a huge wedding party and reception at which DSD will have a bridesmaid's dress and sit on the top table and it will be fabulous' should suffice. Esp if your DH explains to the mother of DSD that not even your own mother will be going to the exchange of vows. There's nothing to exclude DSD from because there is no public exchange of vows!

Not read the whole thread but my dad and stepmother got married without inviting us. We never really forgave them and 30 years later, I still wonder what on earth they were playing at.

I am far from having an idealised view of weddings - indeed the OP's wedding sounds so low key I wonder if it matters who is there. If you want a special day with OP I would make it any one of the many days on your honeymoon or any other day you want to make special. But it's hard to get away from the fact that your DP didn't have his daughter at his wedding.

I agree that she will be happy with the party now but perhaps when she gets older she'll think about the wedding and the vows and stuff and wonder why she wasn't there.

I agree if you make it "just the legal bit" on your own it's less problematic. But on the other hand if it's "jsut the legal bit" it's not exactly an intensely romantic occasion and no reason not to invite DSD.

Hello,

After a long discussion with the OH we have decided and are in full agreement that we will get married just the two of us. We hope our day although simple will be magical in our own way and to point out I am away from home every other month for a month so whilst family time is very important so Is the relationship between myself and OH.

We don't feel we have excluded our daughter (my SD) we don't take holidays alone or weekends away, our lives are centred around giving Dsd a secure and loving home.

I am happy with the choice we have made and feel it's the right choice for us. Reading all your posts has given me a good deal more perspective and I'm really grateful to everyone who gave their thoughts. :)

Congratulations!

DP and I are getting married in a few weeks and we're doing the legal registration of our marriage in the morning - just the two of us + witnesses - and then having the big party in the afternoon with friends and family. DSD and DSS know the arrangements and are entirely happy with their role in our afternoon ceremony (ring bearers).

It's perhaps different from your situation in that we're not getting dressed up at all for our legal bit - just going in jeans, and the afternoon is the fancy (humanist) ceremony with guests bit - but there's not been any problem with the children wanting something other than what we're planning...everyone seems happy but I suppose we'll know for sure in 3 weeks!

I do feel sad for the dsd. If parents have split up and they go on to have a second marriage I believe most children would expect and want to go to the wedding and would be hurt if they are excluded. I would have been dreadfully hurt if it happened to me and if I was getting remarried I would positively want my dc at my second wedding although before I had children I would not have felt this way.

Nobody can make a value judgement on what the OP would definitely do if the DSD were her biological daughter. You don't KNOW that she would invite the child if she was the child's biological mother.

I have two biological children, and two very dear step children, and none of them will be attending my wedding, because I don't want to be pandering to children at what, to me, is an adult affair, and that is solely for mine and my partner's own benefit.

I don't like having children at any weddings, but I certainly accept thatif the bride and groom want them there, they will be there. By the same token, I expect my wishes concerning my own wedding to be accepted by child-a-holics.

But coditz- surely everyone posting here is making a value judgement.

Well said, colditz.

Enjoy your day, lilypad.

Mirry surely you can understand the difference between an opinion and a value judgement? I'll give you a clue, one involves 'judgement', by definition.

Colditz.....this wedding of yours. Is it a planned actual taking place event that I don't know about or something in the maybe future?

no, no TPL, it's a hazy and unplanned probability rather than a booked event

lily forgive me for taking your thread slightly off track - but it seems to have revealed some vastly different opinions on the reason for a wedding and marriage!

Some clearly think it is a public affair that should be shared, and to exclude special people from that is inappropriate, while others think it is a very personal, intimate event that any guests should be honoured to be invited to attend.

I doubt that one is right and the other wrong, but of course, unless all your family and friends believe the same as you, then some of them will inevitably be offended, whatever you decide

Phew - I had to go and have a lie down

Allnewtaketoo - " Mirry surely you can understand the difference between an opinion and a value judgement? I'll give you a clue, one involves 'judgement', by definition.2

You have made an interesting staement. I don't think it is quite so clearcut but I'm willing to be convinced. Could you explain a bit more?

Mirry - I can't speak for allnew but for me - an opinion is saying to someone that you don't agree with them, and explaining your pov, but a value judgement is telling someone they are wrong, and that they are a bad/evil parent/person because you don't agree with them.

Yes for me, expressing an opinion is merely akin to saying "this is how I see it", or "this is what I would do in this situation". Acknowledgement that there are different ways of seeing a situation.

A value judgement is akin to saying "you are wrong because you are not doing what I would do, therefore I am judging you for your actions".

Everyone including our families are very happy that we have chosen to have a private wedding, they understand that weddings don't have to be a public affair inviting all and sundry to keep others happy. Ultimately a wedding is between the bride & groom it's their commitment to each other.

Like I said we'll have a reception a few days later and to be honest those that might have disagreed with us can lump it, I don't have a crystal ball so it's not possible to judge how dsd will view this in years to come. I believe you have to follow your heart and do what 'feels' right and at times that will cause disagreements from only those who think they know better.

I feel far lighter now OH and I have talked at length about this. We have also decided it is time to get on the same page, to agree the same house rules and the same concequences. To begin to parent dsd together and concern ourselves with what goes on in our home instead of focusing elsewhere.

If dsd decided to have a private wedding I wouldn't be upset, it's her choice.

I see where you're coming from but, depending on what you're discussing, don't you think your opinions are based on your values?
So for example if you see someone shoplifting you might say 'I wouldn't do that' to the person - that could be an opinion, but it would be based on your values about morality or about citizenship and implied in your statement would be 'what you're doing is wrong' -which could be a value judgement.

I think there's a bit of a difference between shoplifting and having a private wedding. The latter is not breaking the law for example

Of course opinions are based on values, but it is perfectly possible to express those without judging others who choose to do things differently. If you can't see this though then we're clearly not going to agree

OP glad you've come to a decision you're both happy with. Enjoy your wedding!

Allnewtaketwo - I said shoplifting was an example but there are many others I could think of and I do think that people on this thread are making implicit value judgements however they're dressed up. But this is a philosophical argument that's as old as the hills so yes we aren't going to agree so I'll let it rest.

I'll drink to that !!!

I wasn't invited to my parents' wedding (they got married when I was 7, they are both my biological parents, ie not step) do you know what? I don't give a shit. I don't think she will be "hurt by it" at all. It's just a day for adults.