How do I go about this delicately?! Rather long..sorry!

[Lilypad34]

Hello,

This is my first time posting so please be gentle! :) my OH and I have been together almost 5 yrs we very recently became engaged. He has a daughter who is 8, I have decided that I do not want my own children and I do love his daughter (who I also refer to as mine!) very much.

She's an only child and over the years we have all been through a few learning curves, I don't have a relationship with his ex I find her handling of DSD at times jaw dropping. However as she is the mother I have never nor would I ever say anything to cause offence in front of DSD.

My soon to be step daughter is often shipped between us and her grandparents as her mother finds her hard to cope with for long periods of time. DSD is over the top hyper and if she is not the centre of attention at all times will cause whatever disturbance she can to get attention.

My now fiancé can at times be classed as a Disney dad, it appears both he and his ex have allowed DSD to bring herself up, resulting in lack of manners, no pleases or thank yous and a well instilled belief that she can do as she pleases whenever with no consequences.

I have a good relationship with her as I very quickly set my boundaries and she knows when I say no it means no and even the biggest tantrum has no effect.

My question after this very long winded essay is this...OH & I have decided to have a very quiet wedding away just the 2 of us. Now that DSD knows we are engaged (which she's really happy about..phew) I'm concerned her mum and grandparents will begin the .bridesmaid talk.

We plan on having a reception on our return from getting married and that is where I would love DSD to be my maid of honour, to wear a dress she loves and to be a part of all things girly for the event.

How am I going to explain to her that she is not going to to be at the wedding but will be a very important part of our reception without causing her upset? I dont want her to feel pushed out or feel she isn't wanted. She quite sensitive and I want to get this right so she's happy.

Also I'd like to avoid a huge tantrum and for my OH to feel guilty.

Thank you, sorry it was so long!

I'm so glad I came here, it's given me food for thought. OH and ex do talk about her behaviour in fact before I came away with work he said 'after talking to her it seems I am the problem' I asked how so and he replied that it is he who is not setting an expected level of behaviour nor disciplining her enough. I think he either feels guilty, afraid or both. I've told him she will still love him if he lets her know her behaviour is not acceptable. I think he's slowly coming around but only when I push the issue.

It isn't acceptable for DSD to get out her dolls then refuse to put them away when asked, nor is it acceptable for her to scream I want my mummy and slam every door in the house. He never follows through on a warning. I do.

Very quickly she has learnt that I mean business and dads a soft touch so she will play us off against each other which is normal even I did that! But he will bargain with her, if you get ready for bed you can stay up until 8. To be frank it p*sses me off because after 13 hours I'm ready for some peace and some adult time. I don't agree with bargaining, I agree with choices. Do you want to get ready for bed first or clean your teeth etc.

She will happily come downstairs and smugly say 'daddy says I can stay up until 8 because I put my pjs on' I won't disagree with him in front of her I will always support him then discuss it when she's either in bed or she's at her mums/school whatever. Things like putting your pjs on for bed to me is non negotiable it's just something you do! Compared to him I am very hard line and while I have never shouted at her I do tell her off.

When I am not there there are no concequences so her behaviour has escalated, I can't now nip it in the bud which I would have preferred. How do I now set up some clear expectations for her behaviour? She's quite moody lately and any little thing sets her off screaming it's got to the point where even he can't stop it. He wants to appease her, I've said you can't wait until she's calm. I tend to leave the room and take myself off elsewhere until she's done god knows what the neighbours must think!!!

I've talked to her about these fits, she says she gets it but then something else will set her off such as its dinner time please turn off the tv. It's maddening! She doesn't listen and you can't reason with her, so next time she she starts roaring her head off what does the OH need to do??!

Thanks NotaDisney mum :)

It sound like your DP is where mine was a few years ago - he was disneydad, recognised it but had no idea how to change! The reassuring thing is that he's lost the mickey ears, so it can happen

Why not sign up for some parenting classes/workshops together? There are loads of them about - although finding them can be a challenge, try your local Childrens Information Service, they should be able to signpost you

sounds like you are doing all the right things, sdadly she seems very imature for an 8 year old. I would lay it on the table with him and say these are real problems that are going to affect the well being of this child now and through out her life if not addressed. he needs to understand that whilst she is staying with you both, you are both responsible for her parentinmg and decissions therefore barganing on things yopu have not agreed on is not negotiable, he must stop that for a start. It also sounds like you need to set quite a strickt routine for a while that is recorded some where for her and him to view and when it is deviated you show him, he in turn shows her and the deviating stops thier and then. You can at times bargain with a child who will generally respect the routine and expectations of the household. say for instance saturday night you decide to go out and get home after bed time, or a film is on you are all watching, but this can only happen with a child who understands and respects this is an added bonus for good and respectfull and responsible behaviour. Untill she is displaying that then it is routine routine routine, she will then become accustomed to having to tidy up get washed, help with chores etc etc. he needs to kearn to say no and be firmer. the problem you face if he does not is the tension will affect your relationship and she will resent you for instilling the rules.

I really would be firm but fair and ensure she is listened to and respected also. walk away, turn off tv, remove toys etc when she is having a screaming tantrum. she will eventually tire of no audiance, you can then teach her to verbalise herself and her frustrations a little better as when she talks to you even if you do not agree etc she is listened to. sounds like your own ideas and techniques are more than adequate, OH just needs to get and respct what you are attempting to achieve and why.

Just to add Lilypad that DP and I are seriously considering getting legally married with just our parents as witnesses (as I am pg). DSS won't be there as we want it very very low key. Our plan is to have a 'proper' wedding in the future with both our DCs, blessing in church, reception etc.

We might p*ss off our siblings but by keeping it very very small it will be as we intend -ie to sort out legalities and for us all to have the same surname before our baby is born. There is no need for DSS to get involved here (he is 7). I think you have been more than considerate for your DSD, like others have said, big up the reception and play down the wedding. Good Luck!

I think you're doing the right thing by having the wedding you want where you and OH can focus on yourselves and your future together. Of course that future involves DSD, but weddings are first and foremost about the couple.

You sound like you are an amazing SM to DSD, very thoughtful and inclusive as well as parenting appropriately (that sounds really wanky but you know what I mean - not being disney). But I don't agree that everything should revolve around children, no matter what the issues. You also need time as a couple, and if you want that to happen on your wedding day, go for it!

Plenty of time before and after, including at the reception, to make DSD feel secure and happy. Good luck!

i just couldn't get married without my children there. i have tried to think of how i would feel if i was marrying someone who had children and i just couldn't ask them not to have their dcs there. i just couldn't. i am picturing now telling my dcs that they wouldn't be coming and it would devastate them. i think they would hold that hurt for teh rest of their days and i think it's something that we would never recover from.

Do you know what Lilypad. She will get over it.
You won't do her lasting damage by not having her there.
She will be a big part of the reception and I totally agree with the poster who suggested not even telling her about the actual ceremony.

I'm just fastforwarding to the teen years when DSD recalls and resents that she wasn't actually invited to the wedding itself, and the tension that her mother might choose to create around that, after the fact.

I don't really get why your and her dad (especially her dad) don't want her there. (If its just a quick intimate ceremony there's not a lot to disrupt and think how special and wanted being the only other person there will make your DSD feel).

As said before you sound like a lovely stepmum, with a sensible and loving approach to helping dsd sort out her behaviour issues, undoubtedly a good influence in her life. I just think this has the potential to wrongfoot you further down the line.

But she will remember the party and the dress and how special she felt at the reception.
The wedding itself is actually the boring part.

I've been to 2 weddings recently where the legal part had already been held the day/week before and nobody except a few witnesses were invited. Then on the day of the 'real' ceremony/reception they had readings and made vows to each other with bridesmaids, flowers etc. One had a humanist master of ceremonies, the other had special friends and family doing different bits of the ceremony. They were both lovely occasions and the fact that there had been a little legal paperwork beforehand was really irrelevant to the wedding.

Dress up dd in a meringue pretty dress and give her an important job (scattering flowers/ reading a poem/ singing a song - whatever her bag is) and tell her she is invited to the wedding as the most important guest.

Next - Real Life... I'd say (from having friends in your situation) that you are in for some tough times as a step mum because it is tough. Take the marriage as a new starting point with dh and dsd and start as you mean to go on. E.g. Now I'm lucky enough to be dsds real step mum let's agree some 'Family Rules' and each of you suggest one or two rules you would like. Yours could be bed times on a school night are not flexible. Or everybody has to clear up their things before they sit and watch TV.

Make sure that dh understands that your golden rule as a couple is you do not undermine each other by backing down on dd's agreed rules.

PS 8pm sounds early-ish for a 9 year old. I guess you may need to be more flexible as she gets older.

My ex didn't invite my DC to his wedding - he was getting married abroad. I thought that was a bit of a shame but they didn't think anything of it really. Certainly weren't hurt or upset. Just accepted that he was now married.

It might be the boring part but it's the legal part.
I think it could easily become the bone of contention between SD and SM, Dad and daughter..... add the slightly messy stuff with her mum....why risk it? Why it is so important to you OP? Excluding her kind of makes it a bigger deal, IMO.
Weddings are public/legal/family/friends. Honeymoons are about special alone time.

If she really was your daughter you would want her there, or you would put off the wedding until she was older and her behaviour was more under control. Parents always put their children first on these occasions.

If she really was your daughter you would want her there, or you would put off the wedding until she was older and her behaviour was more under control. Parents always put their children first on these occasions.

Really? I must have missed that in the big book of rules for parents.

Sorry, but this isn't something for which there is a right or wrong answer, and the fact that the OP is giving it so much thought should be enough to convince people that she is trying her best in a very difficult situation.

Sharing opinions is one thing, but stating that anything other than your way is wrong is unhelpful

Not necessarily Mirry.
If DP and I ever get married I would like to have the ceremony alone, just me and DP, and then involve all the dc in the reception.
I doubt if I'd get away with that though - I will only get a honeymoon as long as it doesn't interfere with the DSCs contact order. Hence why I am not married yet!!

oh fgs. Sorry miss - I'm suitably reprimanded

mirry2, whilst i agree with you that dd should not be excluded, I think it is unfair to say if she really was your daughter you would want her there. I dont think that is particularly relevent nor the the issue, many parents have posted and said they would not have their OWN children there. I think Ophas made it very clear she is commited to this child and wants the best for her, and is very much the strongest parent she has in her life just now and op should be credited for that effort she is making.

sorry x post there mirry2 with some other psters.

Mirry why the attitude? We are allowed to disagree with you, you know

Yes Kaluki, so why the attitude when I disagreed with some of you? I was only putting forward my point of view. I wasn't theone being confrontational.

Parents always put their children first on these occasions.

That's not written as a point of view - it is a statement of fact

Sorry Mirry but I don't think anyone is being confrontational except you here.

Hi Lilypad

Just want to echo what others have said that I think that you should have the wedding that you and DP wish to have, and disagree that the wedding is primarily for family and friends etc. I'm with you - the wedding is yours and DP's, and your wishes are paramount. The idea of having a small wedding and a large reception sounds like a perfect solution.

I find it extremely frustrating to read how parents and step-parents should think always of the children and agree with NADM that it leads to a feeling of entitlement of the children involved. What's wrong with teaching children that the world doesn't revolve around them, and other people should be able to do things they want to do?

The fact you've thought about it a lot says a lot about you, IMO, and I hope you and DP have a wonderful wedding and reception.

I can totally understand your reasoning for not wanting you SD to be at the wedding, her behaviour seems to be the issue here. If she was more laid back and you could trust that she wouldn't play up I expect that this would not be an issue and she would be a bridesmaid. She sounds like a very insecure child and doesn't seem to have any firm foundations anywhere - it looks like she gets a little bit of everybody but not enough of anybody (in her eyes) hence her attention seeking behaviour. She still behaves like the three year old she was when you first started going out with her father.

Will it only be the two of you at the wedding? If that is the case then everybody in a sense is being left out of the day. You sound as if you have really thought it through. Make more of how life will be like after the wedding so you are not focusing just on the wedding - she may feel happier knowing that she will still be part of your lives forever - this may settle her.

Have a wonderful wedding and all the best for the future - everything will probably turn out all right in the end you know because you have thought of everything - she is lucky to have you and so is your fiancé :)