How do I go about this delicately?! Rather long..sorry!

[Lilypad34]

Hello,

This is my first time posting so please be gentle! :) my OH and I have been together almost 5 yrs we very recently became engaged. He has a daughter who is 8, I have decided that I do not want my own children and I do love his daughter (who I also refer to as mine!) very much.

She's an only child and over the years we have all been through a few learning curves, I don't have a relationship with his ex I find her handling of DSD at times jaw dropping. However as she is the mother I have never nor would I ever say anything to cause offence in front of DSD.

My soon to be step daughter is often shipped between us and her grandparents as her mother finds her hard to cope with for long periods of time. DSD is over the top hyper and if she is not the centre of attention at all times will cause whatever disturbance she can to get attention.

My now fiancé can at times be classed as a Disney dad, it appears both he and his ex have allowed DSD to bring herself up, resulting in lack of manners, no pleases or thank yous and a well instilled belief that she can do as she pleases whenever with no consequences.

I have a good relationship with her as I very quickly set my boundaries and she knows when I say no it means no and even the biggest tantrum has no effect.

My question after this very long winded essay is this...OH & I have decided to have a very quiet wedding away just the 2 of us. Now that DSD knows we are engaged (which she's really happy about..phew) I'm concerned her mum and grandparents will begin the .bridesmaid talk.

We plan on having a reception on our return from getting married and that is where I would love DSD to be my maid of honour, to wear a dress she loves and to be a part of all things girly for the event.

How am I going to explain to her that she is not going to to be at the wedding but will be a very important part of our reception without causing her upset? I dont want her to feel pushed out or feel she isn't wanted. She quite sensitive and I want to get this right so she's happy.

Also I'd like to avoid a huge tantrum and for my OH to feel guilty.

Thank you, sorry it was so long!

Why don't you refer to the reception as the wedding to her? You don't really need to mention the legal bit - or just tell her that's the boring legal bit and that the real important part of the wedding that involves everyone else is the reception? Find out what she wants - eg if it's to pass you the ring or whatever, you could probably fit in a small ring exchange ceremony at the reception. Or she could walk behind you as a bridesmaid as you enter the room or something.

I would think a fairly matter-of-fact approach is best; emphasising how she isgoing to play a role, and present the arrangements you have planned as normal rather than something unusual?

So, rather than tell her that she won't be at the wedding, you could tell her that after you and her dad get back from the formalities/paperwork/adult part, the wedding reception will take place and you would like her to be your bridesmaid/maid of honour - and explain what that will involve (pretty dress etc etc).

I've been to several weddings recently where the couple have done the formal bit quietly with no fuss the day before or earlier in the day, and held a huge reception and blessing/renewal of vows later on, with bridesmaids, ushers etc - some guests assume it is the actually wedding and don't realise that the couple are already married!

Congratuations, btw!

Thank you,

It's a good idea to make the actual wedding more about the legalities than about a wedding. I'm excited about having her be part of our festivities, my concern is the questions I'll be getting once her mum has added her pennies worth but if they come up I guess we'll just deal with it no drama!

You are very thoughtful!
As already said I focus on the exciting role she would have, the dress the obliged present for being the best Maid of Honour ever
I would not offer up the information that this is not the actual legal ceremony if this makes it easier.
Make a small list of the jobs she will have, this was key for my DSD.
Congratulations !

I agree with everyone else.
Okay down the wedding and big up the reception. Give her a role and make sure she is included.
Don't be bullied. It's YOUR day!
Congratulations

• play down the wedding!!! Sorry

Thanks ladies,

Feel much better

How am I going to explain to her that she is not going to to be at the wedding but will be a very important part of our reception without causing her upset? I dont want her to feel pushed out or feel she isn't wanted. She quite sensitive and I want to get this right so she's happy

You seem to anticipate her being upset, so you can probably understand why she would be?

TBH I think once you are a parent you no longer have the right to run off to get married just the two of you [when your children are children-once they are adults-fair game] without making your children feel pushed out.

Why dont you want her there? I ask that especially as you consider her yours too.

Why isn't her dad telling her?

I have every right to get married with whoever we choose to be or not to be there! We aren't running off either, we simply want a very low key ceremony.

Her dad will tell her should it come up, though I have no problems explaining myself, I don't see everything as being his sole responsibility.

I anticipate a problem simply because of the kinds of things she might hear, I suppose I am really wondering what if. It might be that she shows no concern at all!

I have every right to get married with whoever we choose to be or not to be there!

Yes you do as you are not a parent, you fiance however is

To assume it may be a problem purely through what she may hear from others is a bit do you realLy not think she would have independant thoughts or feelings about it?

I think most children would be upset to not be included in one of their parents weddings.

I said 'run off' because you said in the OP that you were getting married 'away'

Amberleaf, thinking about your post perhaps if I mentioned a few reasons I could get some advice on how to resolve my issues so she could be there! It's not that I don't love her I do and I understand she's a child and I also believe there's always an underlying factor in their behaviour.

I don't really want her at the wedding for fear she will spoil what to me is meant to be a really lovely day. We have chosen a low key ceremony as my mum is unwell and unable to be present without her there it wouldn't be a lovely day so we have decided that it'll be just us.

Dsd is quite the attention seeker, I can't have a conversation with my OH without her interrupting despite being told its rude. If the world isn't revolving around her she has a habit of having outbursts screaming and shouting.

We don't pander to them and I don't know what else to do to stop them, so my fear is our wedding day will be centred around keeping DSD happy and not about my new husband and I.

I just want 2 days of us, of peace of it being about us not about anyone else. I probably sound horribly selfish but that's the truth.

My DHs dad remarried when he was abit older than your dsd. He has always mentioned that him and his sibling were not invited and was hurt by it.

25 years later when his stepmum was showing me a photo in an album he asked to look through at the wedding pics to see who was invited etc. I would tread carefully, these things can hurt, imagine how you would feel if it was your mum or dad.

I'm sorry she's 8 she'll have only one view of what a wedding is and that's 100% traditional.

She'll expect Dad in a suit, you in a long white dress and a long evening gown for herself.

You may be lucky and get away without the church, but that's it.

DD2 still tells me that my university friends was a rubbish wedding. It wasn't it was a quiet registry office one with her close friends, and family.

No white dress and no bridesmaids and tea at her Dad's (and a nice adults meal in the evening).
It was perfect for her and her DP of 20 years. It doesn't matter how often I explain to DD that, the wedding was exactly right.

To a 10 year old it was all wrong.

I hope OP that I'm wrong, because I think OTT weddings are silly, but I fear your DSD will be and will remain very disappointed if you don't let her take part in a reasonably traditional wedding.

I don't think your plans sound selfish at all. You're including DSD along with all your other family at the main event of the wedding - the reception. But being married isn't just about being a family that includes DSD - it's also about the relationship just between the two of you. Enjoy your quiet two days together, and also the reception. Maybe you'll want to have some other relative asigned to help look after DSD on the day if she's likely to be attention seeking?

I think you'll find a lot of children think the world revolves around them.

And if you're a parent it pretty much does.

Dsd is quite the attention seeker, I can't have a conversation with my OH without her interrupting despite being told its rude. If the world isn't revolving around her she has a habit of having outbursts screaming and shouting

I know it sounds everso simplistic, but whenever I hear that a child is an attention seeker I just think 'give them attention then!' they are giving a clear message through their behavior that they want something from you.

Children act out in those sorts of ways because they are insecure. that is something that maybe should be addressed by your fiance.

You said your fiance is a bit of a disney dad? that needs addressing! she is a product of her environment so if you want her behavior to change then change her environment.

Does she spend a lot of time at yours? does she get any one to one time with her dad?

Sorry to hear your mum isnt well enough to be oart of your wedding, that must be hard.

Roses, at the reception she can be the belle of the ball, I'll have had my day with my OH which is all I want. Then let normal family life resume! I'm not even going to ask about the honeymoon!

We have her 3-4 times a week, the other days are split between her grandparents and her mum.

We give her lots of attention and she has alot of 1-1 with her dad as I'm away alot.

At 6am she comes in to us, we get up have breakfast do some drawing or play something she enjoys. Unless she has school then its the school routine. We go out for walks take her out on her bike..petting zoos, reading time, cuddles laughter lots of things, from 6am until 7.30pm she is on the go, shes a child I know it's normal. However should either of us want a half hour to ourselves that's when the tantrums happen. I have made a point to never exclude (except for this one day) she and my OH come together and I wouldn't have that any other way.

She cries alot that she hasn't seen her mum, which OH has addressed but mum can't cope with her she says shes very full on. If she's with us having a good time all of a sudden she becomes very upset that mummy is all alone.

It's a never ending cycle that I can't seem to do anything about as its down to my OH to sort with her mum. Unless I'm missing something and I can do something else?

Hmmm, I think it does sound like it could cause ructions, although I can see why you want two days of peace. TBH, I would probably make a special space for her at the wedding day, then have two days of peace some time after, that way you won't cause her to feel left out. Because ultimately you are leaving her out, you're leaving everyone out of the wedding day by having it just the two of you.

I think if you look at it from her POV, what you are suggesting could be quite hard. And ultimately, if she is with you 3 or 4 days a week, what is hard on her will rebound on you.

Congratulations on your engagement btw!

No, you do sound like you are putting a lot of effort into it.

She does sound like a very mixed up little girl, feeling guilty about her mum being alone [when she is having lots of fun with you!] is common to a degree, has it always been that way?

I do think though that some children find that kind of shared care difficult, maybe she would benefit from both her mum and dad telling her that is ok for her to enjoy herself when shes with each of them and to not worry about the one she is not with.

Do you think that is something that they could do?

Don't feel guilty. It is your wedding day. You are entitled to have the day to yourself and your husband. DSD will have her day but your wedding day should be yours.
Amber - it is easy to say "just give her some attention" but what if the more attention she gets the more she demands? It isn't always that simple and clear cut. especially with step children who
Often have emotional issues

You are telling us what you want, but what does your dp want?
Its his wedding too, and his daughter. Does he also feel having her there would spoil his day?

Sorry either you think of this child as your daughter and want her there when you make the most important promise you will ever make, to love and cherish her Dad and be a Mother figure to her.

Or you don't you want to marry your DP and put up with his daughter because you have too!

Yes I am being harsh because I have a younger DD who does the insecure attention seeking bit. It's very annoying her parents aren't divorced she has far less excuse than your DSD, but she still does it.
And I know that a little acceptance of the way she is is repaid 100 fold.

Kaluki
Amber - it is easy to say "just give her some attention" but what if the more attention she gets the more she demands? It isn't always that simple and clear cut. sad especially with step children who Often have emotional issues

Did you miss the rest of my post?