Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Wish your DP didn't have children?

31 replies

mdoodledoo · 21/04/2012 22:59

I've not posted on this board for ages, but I keep popping back from time to time to see how people are doing.

DP and I have had words this afternoon about my 'enjoyment' of his children (2 from his previous relationship).

I'm fully involved - take approx 50% of the childcare responsibilities & decision-making, have a great relationship with the kids & things with the ExW are all good too. E.g. I took both children to a DSD hospital appt this week, all fine & the doctor remarked at the rapport I had with the children & how unusual it was in his experience (he was so fascinated that he asked some pretty intrusive questions but I appreciated the positive comment!). So - from my perspective things are pretty darn shiny.

Anyway - my DP raised his disappointment that I don't seem to 'enjoy' the children as much as he'd like and asked why I don't ever comment about what a lovely day I've had with them, or how I've enjoyed doing a something with them. Which made me think 'well why don't I'? Essentially I do enjoy most of the time I spend with them - but obviously not to the extent of wanting to comment on it. DP went further and suggested that I probably wished he didn't have children from a previous relationship - and if I'm entirely honest with myself I think that's probably true. But - I wouldn't ever admit that to him or to the children, or even to my friends & family. Do any of you guys feel like that - even with things being 'fine' in terms of arrangements & relationships?

I'm not daft enough to think that birth parents enjoy every moment with their children (I don't have children of my own so I can't compare), so I don't feel badly about that being the case for me - but do I feel less enjoyment than he does - and is that OK/normal?

Hmmm - I'm four years in to my step-parenting journey & it's still difficult sometimes. I'd appreciate any perspectives people have the inclination to type up.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

olibeansmummy · 22/04/2012 09:08

If course it's ok. You can't force yourself to feel something. Just don't let it show ( which you already know). I think your dh is BU. You're massively helping him out, not causing trouble and seem to be ticking along nicely :)

Kaluki · 22/04/2012 13:45

You should tell your DH to stop moaning and appreciate how lucky he and his dc are to have you!
Of course you don't love them as much as he does and he shouldn't expect you to.

Smum99 · 22/04/2012 14:31

I guess it depends how he asked but I think its an naive question. If he has nieces/nephews he would appreciate the difference.

I'm so glad that you have a good set-up and it's great to hear positive stories. How did it get to this position, any insights to share with the rest of us?

brdgrl · 22/04/2012 15:18

I think it's a little odd, really. I mean, I have a DD and I don't often find myself saying to DH "I loved spending time with DD today!" I just do.

In my case, I think that if I were sort of 'taking things for granted' with my DSCs - not being surprised or finding it remarkable when we have a great day together - that is the point where I would feel like our relationship was a success. After a difficult start, I do now enjoy time with the DSCs - but we aren't yet at the point where I can count on that or where it doesn't still feel like a surprise, IYSWIM.

But you also say that it is possible that on some level and at least some of the time you do wish that he didn't have kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but I think you seem a bit ashamed or concerned about it. I wonder if what your DH is picking up on is (and I am just guessing here!) feelings of guilt or anxiety from you. Maybe you'd find it all more enjoyable if you just let go of any feelings of obligation - that it is 'good enough'. It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job, so don't allow yourself to feel like you are falling short.

On the other hand, maybe everything is just fine and DH is being overcautious or a bit naive. Maybe he just needs reassurance that you actually are doing ok.

So perhaps your DH is worrying because he really does detect a sense of dissatisfaction from you, or - equally possible - he is worrying because he has some false expectations about what a 'happystepfamily' ought to look like.

taxiforme · 22/04/2012 19:39

Hi mdoodledoo

Your post could have been written by me. I am 4 years in and have a very good relationship with my SC.

I am not allowed to do the things you speak of with them (like going to the docs) as ExW likes to keep control of them in all respects and is a SAHM.

I have no kids of my own and am very realistic about my feelings towards them and also theirs towards me. I have been open with my DH about how hard it is and he appreciates that. I have been from the start of our relationship. Right from the point he told me he had three kids "errrr..I am not sure I can do this" was my reply..However..he can also be a bit pink tinted specs, like your DP. I think maybe that he wants to create this "perfect" home. Really, tough but it might be a bit late to suddenly "start being honest" with him.

I really agree with what brdgrl says. You might be giving off signs that you are a bit fed up and if so..so what? If you were their BM you might be a bit fed up now and again!! If this is not the case, then I think he needs to man up a bit on this score and appreciate what he has.

Original poster

mdoodledoo · 22/04/2012 23:06

Thanks for the comments - useful for sure. I must be giving off some kind of vibe now and again for him to make the comment - or I think it's entirely realistic that he's looking for reassurance as we've not had the easiest journey to get to this shiny place.

Smum99 - insights - hmmm, I don't feel in any position to offer anything profound but the biggest lesson I've learnt is not to sweat the small stuff. If I could let something ride then I've learnt to let it. I don't mean allowing myself to get walked over (at all), but it's more a case of really asking myself if something truly truly matters enough to get knicker twisted about...& if it doesn't then untwist them & stride on. There's a lot of give & take in our 3-way relationship (me, DP & ExW) and that's the main thing that I hadn't factored in when I hopped on board with my lovely DP - that his ExW would be so much of a factor in my life (& me in hers obviously). The kids - yep of course I'd thought that through, but I'd not realised how much of an influence she could have on my life and my relationship, and how negative that could become (and that's in a situation where things are essentially fine & dandy between the adults most of the time). So my approach has been to be honest wherever possible and just untwist & ride!

Thanks again for your views. G'nite.

OP posts:

Eliza22 · 23/04/2012 09:46

I think if my dh didn't have kids of his own, he'd not be as willing to "take on" someone else's (?)

I only have one ds from a previous marriage. My dh has 3. Love seeing/spending time with 2 of them. No comment on the other. Still, had I had 3, who's to say my dh would have got on with all of them? My steps are between 18 and 23 now so, obviously it's very different than when they were younger.

I think your dh should give you some credit for what you've done so far!

Kaluki · 23/04/2012 13:07

untwist and ride!!
I love it

chelen · 23/04/2012 17:22

Gosh, I moan constantly about both my DSS and DS! I think you sound very saintly compared to me. I have about one day a fortnight where I say 'I've had a lovely day with the kids' and the other 13 I end up moaning about this, that or the other. I know we should all be more grateful for what we have got etc but in reality, when you're cleaning up vomit or arguing over homework or whatever, who does turn to their partner and say 'darling, isn't this just marvellous?'

Tell him to wind his neck in.

taxiforme · 24/04/2012 16:55

Yes, absolutely mdoodledoo my DH exw lives round the corner, we are in the exMH and in the village she grew up in with her mum over the road. I am regularly knicker twisting and riding on, knickers up the bum! I try and choose my battles though.

I think that, TBH for me it is NOT the kids, it is the fact that they are evidence of his other life and her in it, she will be always and I resent that as I just dont like her, but am very civil to her and supportive- she is mean, tight and frankly weird- she left my DH for a very much younger man - DH has to bear all that on his doorstep too. I never see or have any contact with my exH and having no kids - dont need to. as Eliza sort of said, if we were the ones with the baggage mdoo..I wonder if we would ever have got together with our DH's.

PerditaMcLeod · 24/04/2012 17:19

DP has 4 children and I have been in their lives for about a year now. Yes, its hard work and yes I think it is very normal at times to wish they didn't have children! And sometimes evidence of their lives before you can feel quite strange.

It can be hard word but eliza you are spot on about it making them more willing to accept yours. We have 5 between us and whilst I think it was harder work for me going from 1 to 5 than for DP going from 4 to 5, he is the most amazing SD to my DD.

I get so frustrated and annoyed with my suddenly very extended family sometimes, but everytime this happens DP is normally far more pissed off with them than I am, so I don't feel quite as bad!

OP, sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and I echo some of the comments made here about how your DP should appreciate what an amazing SM you are!! And yes, don't sweat the small stuff and choose your battles carefully!

buttons99 · 25/04/2012 13:12

I think you sound like a great SM. As has been said most parents don?t like every day they spend with birth children and it would be unrealistic for anyone to expect a sc to always be a pleasure to be with or for you to always enjoy being with them. I have days with both my dc and sc when I like being with them and days I don?t. That?s normal life I would say.

I know it?s a soap but I got really angry at Coronation street the other night when Peter was demanding to know if Carla loved his child. There must be people in the real world who would do that too. I can honestly say 8 years in I have days I do and don?t like my dsc, I don?t love them and the day I accepted I didn?t have to was a big turning point in not beating myself up because I didn?t. I care about them and do everything I possibly can for them (which I guess some people would say is love?!) but to me I don?t love them and that?s ok. Trying to force feelings is unnatural and prob hinders more than helps.

I guess it depends on the Dad in the set up. My DH knows I have days I do or don?t like them, he I am 100% sure feels the same about both them and my DC (and I think that?s fine) We both acknowledge that we were looking for a partner and if they did or didn?t have children that didn?t matter, but we don?t expect each other to like or love the others DC. So long as they are well cared for and supported, which all 5 are.

Also don?t feel pressurised into how long you have been together as what the step family should be by then. Everyone is different. Some people prob find within a year life is settled and sorted, others never and somewhere in between is the rest of us. Picking your battles is def a good tip, one I wish I had learnt before I had any children!!

Good luck and you really do sound like you are doing a smashing job as a SM.

Eliza22 · 25/04/2012 15:23

Buttons99. Thanks for your point that, it's ok not to love them! I feel guilty that I love spending time with two of mine and can't be doing with the other one. It wasn't a snap decision on my part. I went into my second marriage, hoping I'd be liked by and like ALL of my steps. After trying real hard with all 3, one of them resents me and boycotts our home because of it. Love her? No. It's never going to happen.

Kaluki · 26/04/2012 10:56

Coronation Street got my back up too.

I don't love my stepkids. I feel bad about it but I can't help it.
I don't act like I don't though, if anything I fake it too much to overcompensate and they think I worship them like their Dad does

colditz · 26/04/2012 10:58

I don't gush about what a lovely day I've had with my own biological children, and IMHO to do so is purely the province of the "Disney Dad", because I don't know anyone else who gushes either.

wickedestsminthewest · 27/04/2012 16:13

Hmm... I don't wish he didn't have children - because I think that he is much more understanding of my relationship with my DD, and my ex... and is generally a more giving, patient and understanding man for being a father.

but I do wish he had a different child...

AThingInYourLife · 27/04/2012 16:32

"Anyway - my DP raised his disappointment that I don't seem to 'enjoy' the children as much as he'd like and asked why I don't ever comment about what a lovely day I've had with them, or how I've enjoyed doing a something with them."

That is such a weird, weird thing to demand of you.

You do 50% of the care for his children when they're with him, you take them to doctor's appointments, and he's giving you shit for not enjoying them enough?

I would be questioning why he thinks that it is his place to decide how much you ought to enjoy it, and see whether you measure up.

Kaluki · 28/04/2012 00:59

Wicked - my thoughts exactly.
It's not that he has dc - I just wish they were nicer dc.
And that is not their fault but his and his ex wife's

Original poster

mdoodledoo · 28/04/2012 20:43

Pride comes before a fall - an update on the trip to the hospital is that DP had an e-mail from ExW saying that she'd prefer it if he or she took kids to appointments in the future. Not that it's anything to do with me apparently because I'm a 'lovely woman' - just not 'lovely' enough to take the kids to the doctors I suppose. I counted chickens & should have known better - humbug!

PS - DP replied in a way that was supportive of me and my role and hasn't agreed to it

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 21:55

I can see her point, actually.

They have two parents to bring them to medical appointments. Why would you need to do it?

I'm not sure it's "sticking up for you" for your DP to refuse to go along with this request.

It probably just suits him better to keep foisting 50% of their care onto you rather than looking after his kids himself.

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 21:58

"just not 'lovely' enough to take the kids to the doctors I suppose."

Oh FFS, it's not about "loveliness".

You have no legal responsibility for those children. You shouldn't be making medical decisions for them - that is for their parents to do.

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 23:38

How do you know the OP doesn't have PR? Lots of SM do

it worries me that my ex refuses to consider seeking PR of DD for his fiancée despite my repeated suggestion

wickedestsminthewest · 28/04/2012 23:48

What is the actual reason for you not taking the child to hospital?

Lostinsuffolk · 29/04/2012 23:26

I don't gush about my Dsc's. We just get on with it and generally have a good time. If my DP expected constant reassurance or affirmation of my enjoyment with his kids, I think I'd wonder what was up with him! It doesn't sound right to me. And yes I think I do have days when I think "wouldn't it be nice if...." but I accept all DCs are challenging at times and that's just life! Tbh I've only thought that once in two and a half years so I thinks it's very normal OP.

colditz · 02/05/2012 13:58

You are not legally allowed to make any decisions regarding these children's medical care, which is probably why their mum wants their actual parent to take them to the doctor.

And also, by complaining to you that you don't enjoy them enough, he is cleverly disguising the fact that he is copping out of 50% of the donkey work, whereas he should be doing it all, because he is their parent.

I wouldn't be happy with my ex's partner taking my children to the doctor, because HE should be doing it, HE should be making the effort, HE should be taking the time out of his day. He shouldn't be foisting it onto his girlfriend/partner/wife/whatever, because not only is it not her job, it is also not her problem, and neither is it yours.

Flip

1 2