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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

277 replies

ProbablyJustGas · 21/03/2012 22:33

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

OP posts:
Kaluki · 22/03/2012 21:07

Swed. With respect you did assume that OPs DP had left his ex wife just over a year ago when in fact SHE left HIM long before that.
OP I hope you enjoy the summer trip with DSD x

Swed · 22/03/2012 21:12

Kaluki - NO I absolutely did not think that. You are very wrong. I ALWAYS think women leave the men. Grin 70% of the time that is the case, and in the other 30% of cases most of the time it's a case of contructive dismissal. Grin

Swed · 22/03/2012 21:14

Kaluki - The OP first met the DD in her first term of P1, she is now in her second term of P2.

Swed · 22/03/2012 21:14

DD = DSD

brdgrl · 22/03/2012 21:36

My DD is not yet two and she has been to North America and back three times. She was absolutely fine. Coped with it a hell of a lot better than me, actually. The DSCs have come with us on one of those occasions, and were thrilled to be there, and had no issues with the travelling. They have flown overseas on other occasions as well, and I assure you that they have suffered no ill effects whatsoever. This - 'that poor child shouldn't have to make a long flight!' - seems like a pretty spurious point, really.

As for not being related to your parent's spouse's family...please. Family bonds are made up of much more than shared DNA. My DSCs refer to my nephews as their cousins, and my siblings as their aunts and uncles. And rightly so.

Consider the amount of bile spewed at stepparents for not treating their DSCs enough like family. Sigh.

And of course, this all ignores the fact that the father of the child has as much of an interest in spending the holidays with his own daughter as does the mother.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 21:49

Which is what the mother is saying Brdgrl!

If the DSD goes to the US over New Year, the plan was that she would spend the first week of the holidays with her mother first. That would include Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Her mother thinks that it would be too hard on her DD to not see her father at Christmas!

brdgrl · 22/03/2012 21:50

This is yet another example of the double standard (along the lines of such recent classics as "Stepmoms, It Is OK When Your DH Buys Disproportionate Gifts for Your Kids/His Stepkids, But If You Do It, You're a Vile Human Being")...

If OP posted that she didn't want to take her DSC on her next trip to the States, can you imagine the massive eruption of flames?!?

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 21:53

Not at all. Some other issues have been brought onto this thread, but I see it as a child who, last Christmas, got to see in Christmas morning with one parent and went to sleep on Christmas night at her other parent's home. Surely that is the ideal for a young child at Christmas.

brdgrl · 22/03/2012 21:56

crosspost, puffin.

Her mother thinks that it would be too hard on her DD to not see her father at Christmas!
That's not at all what the OP says the problem was, though. I will read the threas through again in case I missed a subsequent post that said that the mother's objection was based on the child not seeing the father.

But since my remarks are really aimed at the comments made within the thread by others (the posts which state that the stepmum's family is not really family; that the mother's right is more important; and that long-distance travel is a bad idea for kids) I do stand by them.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 22:00

Long thread Grin

They have 50:50 custody.

The child is going to the USA for 2.5 weeks this summer with her father and stepmother to see the stepmother's parents.

Last Christmas the child got to see both parents on the day and it wasn't a case of one week here, one there.

From the OP: with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 22:01

It did become a bit like sitting in a cafe trying to hold a conversation while the couple at the next table have a screaming argument.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 22:03

ExW has further explained since yesterday that she thinks DSD's Xmas would be ruined if she didn't see her father on the very day - that she'd be missing him too much and be upset. I disagree with that - I think she is quite used to waiting a few days to see Dad or Mum again, and happy to have Santa Claus arrive at a few different houses over a few different days. But I don't see what goes on in the other house, or hear what DSD says. We've all agreed to disagree for now.

Here.

brdgrl · 22/03/2012 22:12

Oh, I did miss that somehow. Thanks.
I am a bit sceptical...wonder if ExW would feel the same if they were't talking about going away...But obviously, one can't really know!

Still think the arguments against it in as made in this thread are bullcrap, though! :)

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 22:15

Agree Grin

Swed · 22/03/2012 22:17

The ex wife probably has a party to go to on Christmas night. Grin

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 22:24

Swed - look at your post at 14:44 today!
Can't copy and paste on phone but you wil see where I am coming from Smile

Lostinsuffolk · 22/03/2012 22:51

How old is DSD? Btw I think it's sad too as it would be a wonderful thing to do and DSD will miss out on a really special with her dad and u. :(

Lostinsuffolk · 22/03/2012 22:59

Sorry just seen earleir posts. IMO 6 is young but I'm shocked by the roasting ur getting for ur post. Have a wine n remember ur heart is in the right place. :)

Swed · 22/03/2012 23:07

Add message | Report | Message poster Swed Thu 22-Mar-12 14:44:44
NarkedPuffin - But that family don't have a norm because the OP's DH only moved out from his (now ex) wife and child little over a year ago.

Kaluki - I've pasted it above. What's wrong with that? I just meant they've not has many Christmases in their new formation.

nenevomito · 22/03/2012 23:12
chelen · 22/03/2012 23:29

Oh Swed, do give it up now.

Kaluki · 23/03/2012 08:08

I give up Hmm
Biscuit!!!!

Bonsoir · 23/03/2012 08:26

I remain flabbergasted for the lack of compassion for the DSD's mother on this thread. No wonder SMs have a bad name!

Bonsoir · 23/03/2012 08:26

by the lack of compassion

NotaDisneyMum · 23/03/2012 08:35

Compassion ----> feeling of pity inclining one to be helpful or show mercy

Not something I expect towards me from anyone, thank you Bonsoir; women are not self-pitying victims.

I don't need you championing my cause if that's the role that you believe bio-mums should fulfil Biscuit