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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

277 replies

ProbablyJustGas · 21/03/2012 22:33

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:07

Going back a bit, I think your description of Christmas and the 50:50 custody thing make it more understandable that her mother is reluctant about a week at New Year whilst being fine about 2 weeks+ in the summer.

You've managed to work it in the past so she has some of Christmas day with each of her parents - that's lovely. And then two days here, two days there. That allows her to see all extended family on both sides.

A week with her mother then a week in the US would mean she hardly got to see her dad (or his side of the family) over Christmas and then was away from her mum for a week over new year (which might mean missing out on seeing her mum's extended family)

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:09

If your DH's parents think not seeing her for 3 days is ages then it sounds like you have a very good shared custody thing worked out. To split Christmas/New Year as one week with mum and then one week with dad would seem to be a big departure from that.

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 14:23

Is that not the norm then regarding access?
We have a week each with the DSCs at Christmas and so do a lot of families I know.

My own dc ping pong back and forth but that is only because the ex usually has to work over christmas so he only has them on his days off. I think I am lucky because I would miss them for a whole week but if that is what he wanted to do I would go along with it.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:26

I think a week as a block is more common in families where custody isn't 50:50 as described by the OP.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:31

Over Christmas and New Year ^

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 14:32

Weeks as a block enable families to organised childcare/courses/holidays and I don't think this has much to do with 50:50 or otherwise, just that life is organised in weeks.

We do split weeks during term time but often end up doing blocks of a week (or two, or three) during holidays.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:36

For this family, a week as a block doesn't sound like the norm, over Christmas at least.

last year Xmas/New Year was just complicated. We had DSD for Xmas Eve and Xmas morning. ExW had DSD Xmas afternoon and Boxing Day. Then I think things got a bit mixed up ... can't remember why ... and DSD ended up at our house the 27th, Mum's house 28-30, and then back with us for Hogmanay

5madthings · 22/03/2012 14:41

the op also says that last xmas wasnt normal that it ended up being a bit adhoc etc, so maybe they havent properly organised what normal is?

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 14:41

IME, the Christmas holidays are the ones where it is least helpful to apply shared parenting norms, whether those are the norms of the family concerned throughout the year or perceived societal norms.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 14:43

There are generally an awful lot of variables determining who does what when over Christmas, and the variable change a lot year-on-year. Thinking that norms need to be respected complicates rather than helps matters.

Swed · 22/03/2012 14:44

NarkedPuffin - But that family don't have a norm because the OP's DH only moved out from his (now ex) wife and child little over a year ago.

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 14:49

Where do you get that from Swed?
I think it's a few years ago isn't it?

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:50

I thought they'd been married a year? That doesn't mean together a year. He may have moved out years ago Confused

OP, How would your DSD and DH feel about not seeing each other over Christmas? Which would be a consequence of your planned trip over the New Year.

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 14:50

Oh, I see I've been deleted....

I still think it's rather insensitive to tell someone to 'hurry up and have your own baby to provide a grandchild' when you know nothing of the OP's situation with regard to that, - very insensitive.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 14:52

From a personal point of view, if the options were a week with my ILs or some of Christmas day with my DD, I know which I'd pick Grin

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 14:55

OCF - happens a lot lately on these threads for some reason! Hmm
I thought it was more than a year and a half because the OP mentions that they spoke to ex wife about it a year or two ago.
Swed - how do you know he only moved out a little over a year ago Confused

Swed · 22/03/2012 14:55

From here. The OP says she only arrived on the scene when the child was 4.

last message on this thread

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 14:58

And now she is 6!
Maths not your strong point? Wink

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 14:59

And just because OP only came on the scene when the SD was 4 doesn't mean that is when he left his wife!
Or do you know more about this than us???

Swed · 22/03/2012 15:02

And on another thread she talks about her DSD who is now in P2 (Yr1) having difficulties in P1 (R) which coincided with the child's parents ending their relationship. So they have only had one Christmas with the new arrangement so far.

I didn't go hunting for info by the way, I just read the posts that were linked on that profile that someone linked to earlier.

Swed · 22/03/2012 15:03

I'm excellent at maths, actually.

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 15:08

What great detective work Swed Hmm
Obviously I need to brush up on the Scottish Education system!!
Although I don't really see what that has got to do with this thread.
Looking at other posts from the OP it is clear that she loves this little girl a lot and is only trying to do the best for her, yet still she has taken a pasting on here.
Unfair isn't it?

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 15:14

Kaluki - Why unfair?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions!

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 15:20

Because she is a good step mum (a better one than me if I'm honest!) and doesn't deserve the crap she has received from some posters on here. That is unfair.
She loves the little girl and wants to take her to see her family and she is accused of overstepping.
I have seen posters on here complaining that they don't want to take their step children away on holiday and being told that they are in the wrong for not putting the Dc first.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/03/2012 15:21

bonsoir which rather proves that as a SM, I really damned damned if I do, and damned if I don't - even my good intent is not enough to avoid hell - so why should I bother, really? Sad

DP has gone to collect DSS from school for the weekend - after reading this thread, I'm convinced that no matter what I do, or how I interact with him, someone, somewhere will consider that I have overstepped, or not done enough, or cared too little, or cared too much.......Wine please!