Am I right to be annoyed??

[RhiRhi123]

DH and I have been invited to my friends Bday party which we have known about for weeks. I knew it was an access weekend as it's the first thing I check so that we have plenty of notice to try and make childcare arrangements.

Anyway I kept reminding DH about the party and he said i'm sorting it out and just brushing it off. The party is this Saturday. I assumed that we would pick DSS up on fri eve as usual and maybe drop him back on sat at 6pm rather than sunday maybe. My parents offered to look after our DD for the evening. They are going to some family friends and are taking DD with them. I don't want to infringe on their night even more by getting them to take DSS (12) with them as I don't think it's fair on either them or DSS.

Anyway a bit of a back story MIL lives about 50 miles away near DSS and thinks the sun shines out of his backside buys him whatever he asks for eg tv's phones etc for no reason. She has seen DD 5 times since she has been born shes 10mo and never buys her anything! this is a massive issue in itself and because of this and a long list of negative comments she makes towards me everytime i see her i don't really like the woman.

However DH has just rung me and said I've sorted out the weekend my mum is coming down on saturday night to stay with us and babysit DSS and DD she is going to take DSS back on sunday.

Am I wrong to be extremely pissed off that my DH did this without checking with me first? it means I am going to have to sort out somewhere for her to sleep wash bedding etc. Provide dinner before we go out and do lunch etc the next day while entertaining her. I work full time and really don't want to be spending my weekend like this. My DD doesn't know MIL she has completely different parenting views to me and she's so wrapped up in DSS it wouldn't surprise me if she left DD sitting in her high chair all eve. I am not comfortable with leaving my DD with her. My DD doesn't know her and is at her clingy stage. I know I won't be able to relax all evening and am at the point where I feel like not even going to the party.

I know you might think she is doing us a favour but I can assure you it is only because DSS is going to be with us. she wouldn't dream of driving 50 miles to look after DD she has no interest in her. She has never not once come to see DD when DSS hasn't been here. it's not to help us out IYSWIM it's to see DSS.

Sorry long but WWYD??

Yes she is now not surprisingly but when we got married she was with a partner. So could have also been a nice break for her.

You would think so there have been many occasions where she's swapped or asked for DSS to be dropped back early. Although her swap isn't a 'swap' it's a I need him that weekend for x and the following weekend is my weekend so you'll see DSS in a months time! like it or lump it!

ooo yum is it too early in the year for pimms?

OOOooooo Pimms now you're talking - it's been far too long and I swear that's a ray of sunshine over yonder hill.

p.s dss mum sounds like an arse of the highest order no wonder her poor son is a quivering wreck with ishoos and will be getting none of my Bombay Sapphire, Hendricks or Pimms even though I won't need myself for eons!!

Don't worry I am sure I can drink your portion! I think I saw a flicker too!

Ah congrats when are you due?

DP would rather set fire to himself than take them back to their mum a second earlier than it states in the bible contract, and as for missing a night, perish the thought !!!!

LOL ? I could have written that comment, let?s all salute the rota !!!!

I think if the kids have the backwards/forwards routine for so many years, no one feels they can stop it?

Well I?d like to stop it, DSS turns 18 in September, at which point we?ll have an access rota for an adult ? weird or what??????

Rhi - how inconsiderate of you to have your due date on an access weekend!! Did DD do the right thing and arrive at a convenient time
Allnew the steps are 7 and 10 and mine are 8 and 12.

Oh Petal - I have read your other threads and your situation fills me with dread!! I am counting on it all being more relaxed as they get older but another 11+ years of it and I will actually go insane!!!

O she is but thats another long story a short example - She's taking DSS on holiday for xmas but didn't think to ask my DH first as we usually have DSS
boxing day in my opinion it should be alternate but what do I know . Now because we are nice people we will let her get on with it as she has told DSS and he's excited. However I would get great satisfaction to say a couple of weeks before that she couldn't take him so she loses her money. Then she might think twice! she'd probably take him anyway.

Quick pass the gin/pimms/wine/vodka!!

Thanks! Due in October

yes RhiRhi was dd considerate in her timing??

Kaluki and Petal I admire your fortitude and forbearance - why do people go slightly insane when they start dealing with the father as an ex? - you would think eventually there would be enough water under the bridge to start to call and end to the cold war.

Yes DD's a good girl she was 3 days early However we still had to have the weekend access and my DH was self employed at the time so he went back to work the day after DD was born which meant the first time he had to really spend with us DSS was there moaning that he was bored and wanted to go out with his dad (which I get but at the same time it should have been up to my DH to put his foot down with DSS DM and say we weren't having him I would have like to have been put first for once). I lost it slightly with my Dh at that point. I was sleep deprived with a 3 day old baby and we were trying to change her in the bedroom and DSS was banging on the BR door.

I think at 18 If things were still as they are now I would end up rocking in the corner! poor you petal. If I was you i think in the months leading up to September I would try and make subtle changes so come September the rota can be ditched easier said than done!

God listen to me! i'm moaning how rigid our rota is and then telling you to 'just' make changes! at 18 my DSS will prob be living off with MIL with him laying in bed all day while she feeds him grapes and fans him

LOL at feeding him grapes and fanning him.

Am not surprised you lost the plot at that point!

Am still staggered people who liked each other enough at some point to make a child can end up treating each other which such distaste.

Though I suppose I know it happens really

Petal does the soon-to-be 18yr old have any opinion on the matter? :)

Cheers girls

I know I don't understand it. I could get it if the NRP didn't see the child or pay maintenance etc but in our case my DH always has done. I think she thinks she 'owns' the child and what she says goes even if it doesn't have DSS's best interest at heart.

From what I gather from all the info I get drip fed by MIL DSS's mother got the majour hump because my DH wouldn't marry her so apparently she got preganant on 'purpose' (I am under no illusion it takes 2 to tango) thinking it would change his mind and it didn't work so she uses DSS as a weapon to hurt DH because thats one thing she can be in control of. Hence the bitterness and jealousy that he married me even though that was 10 years on!

Whats your story then gin? kids? Skids? what happened with the MIL sorry i'm nosey

Why thank you Gin (downs bottle of gin in one go!)
Not all exes are like that. I'm a very nice ex. I invite my boys dad in for tea all the time and we arrange access between us fairly. I could be bitter - he left me for the local bike another woman when I was pg with ds2 but like you said we both made the dc and none of it is their fault so for the sake of peace and harmony I have kept my evil thoughts to myself and got on with bringing them up myself.

Hats off to you Kaluki!

I like to think that I would be like that if my DH and I split up because I have my DD's best interest at heart and wouldn't do anything to make situations unpleasant for her. At the end of the day what does being nasty achieve? I can't imagine it makes my DH's ex feel any better knowing she is making things difficult for us. Well to be fair it probably does shes cuckoo but at the same time making things hard for us will only effect DSS.

Welcome vivian!

I would like to do that but at the same time my DH would prob throw a strop in a calmly adult fashion tell me that I was being ridiculous to not leave her with MIL when I don't think he understands how I feel about it.

I honestly don't think it would. she'd turn it around and say we'll you never come to see me. When in actual fact 3 of those time we went to her and why would I want to drag DD 50 miles for her to be ignored and for me to be slagged off! I like to have my few hours peace on the sunday eve when my DH takes DSS home.

Talk about never happy! You wanted to go to party, Dh has organised childcare (which you wanted him ti do) Problem? I'm always shocked to hear of parents leaving their DC on access visits anyway, you have every other weekend, non?

ahhhh kaluki see you are a real Mum - you do what is best for your children even though you would rather put spokes in the bikes wheels he crawled on broken glass to say sorry. I bet your boys look up to you more than RhiRhi's dss looks up to his mum. She will get her karma when her son becomes an adult and can't be used like that anymore.

RhiRhi your dh sounds like a great guy and fancy turning out like that with such a witch of a mother himself. See we aren't just products of our parents and this is why stepparents should take heart as they can be important and influence the children for the better.

People who rise above the mire and refuse to stoop to the lower level have my undying admiration.

My story is dull really - dh sis had wedding in two phases, ceremony one day and reception another (practical reasons not important) anyway my ds was less than 3 months at time of wedding and still breastfed - this was not OK apparently (small family gathering) but no-one said anything.
Cue getting message some time later to say I couldn't feed ds at the reception or if I did I would have to go to another room. As he was still 3mo at this point not feeding was not an option, and due to reflux probs he was feeding frequently.
So we decided not to do 1200 mile round trip to attend and have me sat in a broom cupboard all night. So MIL decided I was some kind of militant earth mother who was inflexible and unreasonable and hasn't spoken to me since.

The fact is I was saying we should go but DH decided not, but since no-one in the family would have a conversation about it with me at the time, no-one knew what my take on it was, so assumed allsorts. for same reason it wasn't possible to discuss other suitable options so it just became impractical for us to go.

We went to the wedding but not the reception and this crime was worthy of cutting her son, DIL and only GC out of their lives. When Dh told them we had second on way recently her response was - 'we're not surprised' followed by 'so she won't be getting as job then'.

There are other boring details but that is the main thrust of the issue. I did write a letter to them after the event to try to resolve the matter but got no reply.

GinPalace ? the soon-to-be 18 yr old is the one who really wants to continue with the present arrangements. Clinging to Daddy and the rota saves him from the inconvenience of growing up, which he?s too lazy to do. DH would prefer him to be more independent, but is too Disney to push the issue. The ex?s agenda is twofold: she insists DH does every minute of parenting as per the bible (great choice of word Kaluki) original access rota, almost as a form of punishment, even a few minutes less is frowned upon. And she also insists that DSS spends exactly the right amount of ?overnighters? and mealtimes with us ? otherwise she threatens to get her maintenance increased. Interestingly, when DSS spends more time with us, ie if we take him on holiday, she wouldn?t expect us to get a rebate on maintenance (LOL), so she?s only strict in one direction ???

So I fight a losing battle, me against the three of them. So actually I don?t fight any more.

petitema they didn't decide the party date - It could be a really major do of a close friend. Would you really never socialise on an access weekend even if that meant every other weekend for years and years? The problem was the lack of consultation, flexibility with dss mum, and general non-problem made into a problem by lack of cooperation and general niceness. It is only an evening - they will see him sat and sun.

It amazes me how a person could be so petty gin expecially not to reply to a letter. At least you got your side of things across and if she still chose to ignore it then it's her loss. I also think it's outrageous that your SIL said you couldn't feed your baby. I'm sure you wouldn't have flopped ur baps out on the dinner table haha you can easily be discreat with a muslin and a clever bra!

Petit - I didn't expect that he would invite his mother for the weekend and I think it's just rude for him not to have asked me first. It's not like she's babysitting for a couple of hours theres meal planning etc involved which will be left to me. yes we do have every other weekend which we would arrange our own engagments for but unfortunately I don't decide which day my friends birthdays etc fall on and I don't see why it would be an issue to swap a weekend. I'm not saying to cut it out so DSS wouldn't see DH. and I'm not talking every month I'm talking maybe 2 or 3 times a year! which I don't think is unreasonable.

Petal ahhh 18 going on 8. Oh dear. And dss comes with his own calculator attached eh? nice. Think that is even worse than people who insist on totting up restaurant bills pea-by-pea!

Sounds like you are dealing with a lose-lose situation very pragmatically.

RhiRhi laugh at your dss mum thinking she could 'trap' your dh by getting preggers!! Where does she think she is? the 1950's? Clearly she is even more bonkers than she first sounded. Poor deluded lady.

and it is my close friends birthday I have known her for 9 years

I know gin tell me about it. I just get on with it now. 'trap' were the words of the MIL and my DH has said this but obviously that is his side of things. I am under no illusion that ppl will think err it takes 2. of course it does. I am not describing that way. It just seems thats how it was. Now DSS mother Is lazy so she quite possibly thought she was onto a good thing and thought she could be a SAHM and be a lady that lunches rather than work. ironically 12 yrs on my DH earns less than he did then and me being the wife has to work full time!