DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

My kids are older they are 8 and 12 so I do realise that 7 is young.
Why poor little girl? She gets lots of snuggles, cuddles and time - more in fact than all the others put together because as you say she is "the baby"

Arctic I haven't asked her - that is a good idea.
I'm never sure if it's wanting to be cuddled by us both or wanting to keep us apart
As I said up thread I have to keep my distance from DP when she is around as I am aware she can get a bit jealous so maybe it is that.

I personally think , although I may be wrong , that a child's jealousy , whether biological or step , should not affect the relationship of the adults in way that they have to alter their behaviour around the child . I do think however , the adults need to assist the child in overcoming the jealousy. If that is the issue , then I'm not sure how as fortunately my stepsons haven't been jealous . It does sound like you have a larger issue on your hands , just wondering whether you or you DH tries talking with her in a chatty friendly way while doing something she enjoys , or in this instance offer it up as a problem to her in a way, in which she can help solve .

I've just come back from the regular meeting that DP and I have with the parenting support co-ordinator who works in the local schools cluster.
She has been helping us navigate the minefield that is blended families!

I raised the points from this thread with her, because DSS mum recently suggested that DP should encourage DSS to join him and me, presumably in bed as DSS is a 'very huggy child'.

The parenting co-ordinator assured us that it certainly wouldn't be detrimental to DSS to maintain that boundary and keep our bed, and bedroom, personal to us - she told us that DCs in bio and step situations benefit from learning respect and consideration for their parents privacy from a very early age, and often the boundaries become blurred when parents have no space which can be dedicated to their own relationship

Something along the lines of 'DSD I am so tired . I don't have as much energy as you or daddy . Do you think you could help me get a little bit more sleep by thinking of something different to you coming into the bed in the morning . Is there anything you fancy doing such as xyz , or can you think of anything ? Perhaps we can then make pancakes for breakfast together etc '

She can only say no , or it may give her something to think about .

Have been thinking about this a bit more. I'm not a step parent but my partner is a step parent to my 7 year old dd (we then have a 2 year old dd too).

I would like 30 mins to 'come to' in the morning before my dd (7) bounds in and jumps on us to cuddle and watch tv. but its not going to happen. I suppose I just thought that was normal 'parenting' you give up all lie ins till they're older. (am starting to feel cheated that not everyone has to do this )

On the clothes front my DP has been step father to dd since she was 18 months. I felt uncomfortable with her coming in to bed when he was there at first and always had her on my side if she did. nearly 6 years later she cuddles both of us equally. He's always put Boxers on at night, I assume he'd sleep naked if we didn't have dc. Would he wear Boxers if she was his bio child? Not sure, think he probably would now she's older than a baby.

Just checked.No it wasn't.
Yes, it was, seeker.
Your exact words were:
The beast feeding woman obviously needs to handle it differently. But she was bonkers to be sleeping naked when her step sons were in the house. Honestly.

How bizarre. Yes, I did say that- but that's not what I think at all. I must have got confused. Apologies.

I do think that if you have q child that's not yours in the house who might come in to your bedroom then putting a nightie on isn't a massive hardship. But I obviously don't think a breastfeeding woman should be obliged to wear a habit or be ousted to the sofa.

We all parent differently , and every family is different . If something doesn't work for a certain family , it is ok to look for alternatives . Children tend to grow up fine because they are loved not because they were allowed to / not allowed to do.something, as in this example , share a bed with dad and step mother .

If she was 'beast feeding' she should definitely go to the sofa

...or perhaps out to the garden. :)

What about this?

www.beachpsych.com/pages/cc101.html

Thank you so much for that link Mouldy.
Fascinating - I will show it to DP

this is interesting too!

Good reading .

Interesting reading mouldy but personally I think it's conflating two separate issues. A child taking on an adult-type relationship to their single parent is a different issue from a child wanting to share their parent's bed.

It's usually older children/teens that take on adult-type relationships (and possibly more girls with their fathers) - expecting to sit in the front seat of the car, being concerned about their dad/mum when they're not well, helping parent their younger siblings, etc - My DP's eldest DD does all of these, (though actually she seems quite happy to slip out of that role and let me take it up) - but would be quite horrified at the thought of getting into bed with her dad!

It's quite a different issue from a (usually much younger) child who comes into their parent's bed at night. It is easier to indulge this if you're a single parent because there aren't any concerns about needing privacy for sex, and there is plenty space in the bed - and as the article (and the OP here!) point out, it is a problem if you then need to displace the child for a new partner. But it's not necessarily anything to do with placing your emotional needs on the child. My DD creeps into my bed when she gets the chance but she definitely does so as a child making the most of a nice warm space beside her mum, not because I'm treating her as an adult in any way, or she thinks I need her there.

Interesting links. However, before you use either of those links as hard academic evidence anything it might be worth checking out the qualifications of the author.

Seeker, I don't believe anyone presented those as "hard academic evidence". As I have already said, however, there is a a consensus amongst stepparenting resources to say that co-sleeping is at , least, not necessary for the well-being of the child, and at worst, possibly detrimental to the family.

I have also offered to refer you to some of these sources.

What exactly are your qualifications as an authority on ths subject? You have purposefully avoided saying whether you have personal, professional, or academic experience in this area. Your comments and arguments are fallacious, inconsistent, and self-contradictory. I don't know why you keep returning to spout off when you have already so thoroughly undermined your own stated position, but as long as we are making suggestions about fact-checking adn reliable resources - physician, heal thyself.

If you have a profound interest on stepparenting issues, I and others on this board would be happy to help you educate yourself. Alternately, if you don't believe in our own credentials, you may wish to contact one of the many organizations that provides counselling in this area. Relate, for instance, offers a number of publications you might find interesting. There is no reason for you to have to remain ignorant, unless yu wish to.

" Your comments and arguments are fallacious, inconsistent, and self-contradictory."

No they aren't.

Sorry- pressed send too soon.

No they aren't. I made an error- was called and and apologised. is that what you mean?

With regard to the links, if somebody publishes what sounds like an authoritative article on a subject, it's really important to know where they are coming from. Particularly if you're going to use it to support your argument. I merely pointednout that the person concerned does not appear to have any qualifications beyond experience. Which is important, obviously.

seeker what are your motivations for posting on this thread ?

I'm here because I am committed to helping my DSS, and am seeking (excuse the pun) the advice and experience of people who have or are sharing similar situations to the OP and my own. As I said earlier, DSS mum has demanded that DP allows DSS to co-sleep, and you have expressed a supporting view - highlighting the damage we will do if we follow the advise of others on this thread who believe differently.

I don't think it is unreasonable for me to ask what you are basing your opinions on; are you a professional, a parent, a step parent or an interested party who is choosing to engage in debate? None of these are wrong, but I thought MN was about helping each other, and I'm left questioning myself further as I don't know why you are criticising our solutions - I only know that you are vehemently opposed to them

I don't think I have been vehement, have I? Have I?

Well, I was vehement with Jodie- but I would be again in a heartbeat.

I take that as a no.

I am left with more self doubt now than before this thread was started - despite my best attempts it is impossible for me to 'ignore' comments like yours seeker and it just adds to my stepmum confusion; I thought MN would help, but this time, it's made things worse

I'm really sorry. That's not my intention- but I really don't understand- a no to what?

This is what I have said.

If your partner is a non resident parent and his or her children are in your house and might possibly come into your bedroom in the night, it's probably good idea not to sleep naked. It is not a major infringement of a person's human rights to wear some sort of nightwear a couple of nights a week.

If your partner is a non resident parent and his or her small children sometimes need to come into bed with him or her, then your desire for privacy and peace may not necessarily override that child's need for reassurance. Sometimes it might be a good idea to decamp to another room, the sofa or the bath and leave said parent and his/her kids to the bed.

This is honestly all I have said. Honestly. I havent's said anying about not having sex til they leave home or wearing a bikini in the shower or anything. People got vey angry with me about this-Not sure why.