DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

That's right, petal, you do that. After all, that's exactly what I've been saying.how clever of you to understand. There was me thinking that what I was saying was that sometimes a step mother's wish to sleep naked or to be undisturbed until 8 in the morning should be not considered more important than a small non resident child's need for a cuddle in the night. So glad you put me right.

seeker you haven't just referred to small children though, you've made references also to teenagers. You seem to change your mind a lot from post to post.

No. I said that if there is a child in the family who might come into the bedroom for whatever reason, and the step mother would feel uncomfortable if this happened when she was naked, it's not a massive hardship or an infringement of her personal liberty to put a nightie on. This is far more likelynif it's a small child, but if it was a teen who, for example, suffered from nightmares, once again, putting a nightie on is no big deal.

And, frankly, the "I don't want my dp's child to come to find him in the night because I like to sleep naked" line, really, really sucks.

I personally doubt many mothers, step or otherwise, would feel particularly comfortable with elder teen, sexually developed males, sharing their bed. Nightmares or otherwise.

Hang on, when did this beco about sexually developed teens?!

Well any teenager is sexually developed to some extent. Do you differentiate between which type of teen is "allowed" to share a parent's bed compared to those which are not? Either you think it's appropriate for teens to come into bed with you or you don't.

seeker - double beds are for couples to sleep and have sex in. That takes absolute priority over any other. If couples want to let children into their bed, that is their prerogative. But no couple (and no individual) should ever feel any obligation to have a child (any child) in their bed.

Beds are to have sex? How very lower middle class of you!

seeker - you should examine your own prejudices and prudishness - where do they hail from?

I'm amazed that one of the suggestions is that the op leave her bed in order that her step-child can get in it. I wouldn't vacate my bed for anyone. I certainly wouldn't have my partner's daughter in our bed, whether I was there or not. If my partner were to suggest it I would tell him to fuck the fuck off and when he got there to fuck off even further. I am as likely to share my bed with his daughter as I am to share it with my next door neighbour's springer spaniel!

Simple fact is that it is my bed and I am the person entitled to use it for whatever reason I see fit.

And I would be ashamed if I ever let my need for sleep or my sexual desire take absolute precedence over the needs of an unhappy child- Jesus wept- do people actually think that? "Sorry, I know you're 5 and sobbing your heart out, but I want to have sex, so pop off back to your own bed."

Why not just lock the door and soundproof your room?

We stopped dsd's coming in first thing in the morning as they were just jumping all over us and causing a riot. Now they go downstairs and watch tv. If they have a nightmare or are ill in the night then they normally just shout from their rooms and DH goes to them. If they came in he would take them back to their beds and give them a cuddle for a bit then come back to our bed.

The OP isn't talking about a child having an occassional nightmare, she is talking about a habit of coming in and inserting herself between the OP and her DP in the morning. That's a completely different thing and - as I said in an earlier post - nothing to do with what she actually needs.

I sleep naked and have as much sex as possible (as befitting a wicked step-mother) and shall continue to do so. Anyone who claims to be sleeping in full combat gear and not having sex when there's children in the house has other issues they should start their own post about.

Crikey this thread has gone off on one!!!
I just want to say that don't sleep naked and it's got nothing to do with sex!
It's also not about nightmares, it's about DSD wanting to get in bed in between me and DP and me not wanting this much contact with her the very second I open my eyes in the morning. I would like half an hour or so to wake up and come to first. I am happy to cuddle her all day long so is it much to ask that I can have half an hour to wake up in peace?
To answer Annie's question "Also what do you think your DH would do if your DC wanted to sleep in between you? Would he mind?", well actually I think he would too and i wouldnt blame him. The difference is that my dc would rather die than get in bed next to DP so the situation has never arisen.

My DS only ever came in if he was ill or if he had a nightmare. He would only come in for a cuddle in the morning if he was invited by me and was told quite firmly not to disturb me or anyone else until I said it was time. Generally around 7.30am on weekends.

I wanted to be able to wake up in peace without having a child next to me.

I have the same feelings towards my step children. My DP doesn't necessariliy share my views but he does make efforts to recognise them and to compromise with me and his kids.

I see nothing wrong in wanting some peace in your own bed first thing in the morning.

It's every other weekend Friday to Sunday but they are staying for a week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer which is why I want to get it sorted out before then.
If you read my previous posts you will see how much of a struggle it has been and it is only since Christmas that I have stopped dreading their weekends. DP was a typical Disney dad and we have had a lot of problems with their bad behaviour but we've really turned the corner lately and everyone is a lot happier.
It's just this one thing that is doing my head in a bit.

I can see that it would be annoying, but it is also flattering that she is comfortable with you, and says fantastic things about your OH that he coslept with his kids and actually spends time with them.

DSD will grow out of it in a couple of years, and you are both building the foundations of her future adult self.

Not read all the post as they seem to say the same thing, but Seeker , you presume stepkids are away from the main home when they stay with the house with the stepmother ? Our home is the main home . The kids weren't left to a traumatic night of darkness if they had a bad dream . DH moved in with them , or down to the sofa.

I guess you also believe it was wrong of me to request locks on our en suite so that I could lock pre pubescent boys out after being walked in on by a 13 year old boy while I was starkers.

Step families have to operate differently to standard families . The boundaries have to me different because it can become inappropriate . As a stepchild I appreciated and respected this .

For what its worth, I have an excellent relationship with my stepsons, now 16 and 18 . Not sleeping in bed with DH and I did them no harm. They are respectful and fully understand the boundaries, and we can talk openly about things is we feel uncomfortable about something . They put some judgmental adults to shame. You need to give children more credit with what they can cope with .

to the people who say this little girl will grow out of it... I have a friend who still co-sleeps with her 13.5 year old daughter. In fact, she has even given up having a bed of her own and her older sister has a double bed in the room on her own.

The friend is a single Mum, who has had no "need" to encourage her daughter to sleep independently.

My ds2 aged 11 still pops in to our bed now and again and plonks himself in the middle. Poor little girl, why shouldn't she? I assume you both don't have FT care of her so it's not like she is in your bed every morning. She is a baby, when your kids are older you'll realise how young 7 is. Make her feel loved and secure in your home. I miss my kids not snuggling up in our bed but at 17, 14 & 11 it might be a bit much!

Exactly redhen. What if she doesn't grow out of it.
And what if DSS decides he wants to get in too at some point.
I'll be on the floor!
Another side to this of course is that all the time DSD is claiming so much of her dads attention her brother is feeling more and more pushed out and I can see him withdrawing from DP. He has my sons to keep him amused and i try to make up for it but he needs time with his dad too, and he can't have it if DSD is indulged to such an extent.

I don't think the OP should vacate her bed , and its not fair on her if she is uncomfortable . I also don't think the child should dismissed , which I don't believe anyone has suggested . I think an alternative needs to be sought , so that all people are happy .

Could you give her a list of alternatives to pick from or ask her to suggest some ? Is it you , her dad or both that she wants to be with ? Have you asked her what she likes about it and work on an alternative from there?