Heart wrenching phone call from dsd last night.

[Surfermum]

Just serving dinner last night and dh gets a text saying "Come and pick me up tomorrow at 8am I'm coming to live with you." DH phones dsd back - she now has her own mobile - she's is in bits, crying down the phone "Daddy, I want to come and live with you. Come and get me". We kept asking what had happened but all she'd say is that she had had an argument with her brother and sisters (not dh's children). It was awful she was crying her eyes out, wouldn't give us any details, but just kept saying "come and get me" "come and get me".
Dh spoke to her mum and the argument was about nothing, just about a piece of pizza, but dsd said she'd been feeling like this for a long time not just last night. Her mum was OK with dh initially but then got annoyed about the fact that dsd was able to ring him - she's only had the mobile since Christmas. BM said she was going to take her phone off her, she didn't want dh being able to contact dsd any time other than during his half hour window on a Weds. She said she was always saying she wanted to live with us, and when dh asked about this she said she'd said it once before.
I feel sick and want to cry, and I keep thinking about dsd. I hope she's OK. I can't text or anything as if her mum has her phone she will go radio rental. It may just be a heat of the moment thing saying she wants to live with us, but I just feel so sad for her that she might have been upset in the past and unable to speak to her Daddy, and now has has the phone taken off her so she still can't do it .
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Thank you all. This is really helpful advice. I got dh to read the thread and at last he agrees that mumsnet isn't such a waste of time! We liked your advice Crunchie about setting some ground rules. We wouldn't ever try to "persuade" her to come and live with us and don't want to undermine her mum either, but I think her mum needs to hear that to be reassured, and it might help persuade her to let dsd keep her phone. Dh is going to speak to her about that.

Surfermum, I am so glad it worked out (sorry I didn't post before but I've just started a new job and can't use MN ATM), I think it is a good idea to talk to BM about this and put her mind at rest that you are not encouraging her to come and live with you.

As everybody else says you are so level headed and such a good stepmum I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Thanks Squirrel. Dh tried phoning tonight at the allotted time and BMs phone was on ansaphone. Dsd's phone was too. Various texts went back and forward, she insisted her phone was OK and not on ansaphone, dh kept ringing it and getting the ansaphone. He asked her to switch dsd's phone on so he could speak to her on that and she said no as she had taken the phone away. She also refused to ring dh. So he hasn't got to speak to dsd tonight. Hope she's OK.

finding it so hard to understand where BM is coming from

why does she dislike your DH so much?
clearly she does which is why she restricts phone calls etc

cant understand why shes hurting DD either cos she clearly is

I cant understand this when Im on the otherside with a H who doesnt want to make much effort - I have asked H to come this weekend - he will only come because I am poorly - if I ring him tomorrow & tell him Im better, he wont come

he is clearly happy with once a fortnight which just makes me sad especially when Im constantly having to cheer up DS when he speaks about H....I just want to say "daddy left and cant be ars#ed"

Surfermum, that is such a shame that the BM wouldn't let your dh talk tonight Hopefully he will try again, but perhaps need sto leave oit a couple of days for the bm to calm down. She is in the wrong, but it won't help long term steaming in now. Good luck

Thank you, you're both right. This has been par for the course over the past 8 years - every time BM is angry with dh she prevents the Weds phone call. The last time it happened we rolled our eyes and said "OK, this game again" and then it turned out that she had somehow got her phone going straight to answerphone and wasn't aware of how she'd done it! We really don't know if this was the case last night, but I do think it was a bit off not to facilitate contact via another phone.

Deffo the right thing to do, Crunchie, just to leave it. It really isn't worth starting an argument over. We did what we normally do last night, let it drop and wrote dsd a lovely letter instead. We've put in some photos of dd at the Oceanarium looking for Nemo. The last thing we want is for dsd to think dh hadn't bothered, but I suspect that after all this time she knows the score. We've always explained to her that if dh doesn't speak to her it's because there's a problem with the phones, not that he hasn't bothered.

Anniemac - I gave dh a cuddle last night and said to him that this isn't going to last forever. Another 6/8 years and her mum won't ben able to tell her whether or not she can see/speak to her Dad.

Mrs M - I don't get her either.

Surfermum, anniemac's post was spot on, if your dsd doesn't realise what is going on she will one day and it will be her relationship with her mother that will be damaged in the long run, I actually feel sad for the BM too (don't shoot me) because I don't think she realises what she is doing she can't realise the damage or she wouldn't do it surely. Its so sad for all concerned, I really feel for you all.

I think the letters are a lovely idea, as is telling dsd that it may be a problem with the phones (that way you are not undermining the BM, although I'm sure you would love to tell her exactly what her mother is doing it would only damage dsd further), she will work it out as she gets older and she will really respect and love you for it.

You are doing brilliantly.

That's more or less what I've just said to dh on the phone just now - that BM is probably freaking right now about dsd saying she wants to live with us and he should just let things lie. Her mum's never kept anything from her, and dsd knows exactly how her mum feels about dh, contact and his involvement and if she knows that saying something like "I want to live with my Dad" is really going to wind her mum up, of course she's going to say it if she's angry with her mum. It must really hurt her mum and I can empathise with that.

It's funny, BM has been totally vile to me in the past, threatened me, been abusive, told me that she hoped my baby would be born deformed, but despite all that I still feel for her when things like this happen because I don't think she realises that she might be contributing to the very thing she wants to stop. We've never wanted to be the "good" parents, but I do think it happens by default when her mum does some of the things she does. For example, her mum restricts dh's phone calls to dsd, yet she contacts dsd when she's with us whenever she wants and has even sent her a text within 20 minutes of dh picking her up. And at Christmas when dsd got the phone, she and her mum were texting each other a lot. We don't mind at all, but I do find it irritating that she thinks it's OK for her to do it but not dh.

This is all so, so helpful. Thank you.