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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Heart wrenching phone call from dsd last night.

39 replies

Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:13

Just serving dinner last night and dh gets a text saying "Come and pick me up tomorrow at 8am I'm coming to live with you." DH phones dsd back - she now has her own mobile - she's is in bits, crying down the phone "Daddy, I want to come and live with you. Come and get me". We kept asking what had happened but all she'd say is that she had had an argument with her brother and sisters (not dh's children). It was awful she was crying her eyes out, wouldn't give us any details, but just kept saying "come and get me" "come and get me".
Dh spoke to her mum and the argument was about nothing, just about a piece of pizza, but dsd said she'd been feeling like this for a long time not just last night. Her mum was OK with dh initially but then got annoyed about the fact that dsd was able to ring him - she's only had the mobile since Christmas. BM said she was going to take her phone off her, she didn't want dh being able to contact dsd any time other than during his half hour window on a Weds. She said she was always saying she wanted to live with us, and when dh asked about this she said she'd said it once before.
I feel sick and want to cry, and I keep thinking about dsd. I hope she's OK. I can't text or anything as if her mum has her phone she will go radio rental. It may just be a heat of the moment thing saying she wants to live with us, but I just feel so sad for her that she might have been upset in the past and unable to speak to her Daddy, and now has has the phone taken off her so she still can't do it .
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/01/2006 10:15

Oh dear, no real advice, how old is she ??

Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:16

She's 10.

OP posts:
AlmostAnAngel · 23/01/2006 10:18

oh poor thing when we you or dh be able to see if shes ok?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/01/2006 10:19

How much upset would it cause to your lives if she were to come and live with you ??

How much upset would it cause to hers ?

Would she be likely to stick at it, i.e living at your house if you had rules she didn't like ??

And, is there even a vague possibility that she is playing one off against the other ??

Feistybird · 23/01/2006 10:22

LadySherlock, your last point was my first thought. Is her BM trying to sort things out between the kids?

Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:28

He's only allowed to ring her on Weds evenings, but he might try tonight.

She could definitely be playing them off against each other. There's no question that if she really was serious about living here we would have her. Yes, it would cause upheaval but I've said all along, this is her home as well and if she wants to live here she can. It would cause terrible upset at the other end - but I can understand that too from her mother's point of view. Can you imagine? Your child choosing to live with someone else. It would break my heart if it were dd.

We have told her that it's a really serious thing she's saying and if she means it we all have to sit down and talk about it, what it means and I'd make sure that it was clear to her that living here would not be the same as coming for weekends and holidays. She'd need to be totally clear what she was coming to. We'd welcome her with open arms of course.

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/01/2006 10:29

Surfermum, you sound so level-headed and lovely, you will sort this.

Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:32

The only thing BM said about the argument was that they all had a laugh about it after dsd had stormed off, and that they're kids, of course they're going to argue. Dsd is often telling me that she gets fed up with her siblings and they annoy her. But that's normal between siblings isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:34

I might be less level headed if I have to start doing the school run a bit sooner than planned. Dd and I are still in our PJ's. I am so not a morning person!

OP posts:
tarantula · 23/01/2006 10:36

Hi SM I know its heartbreaking cos dss used to do/say exactly the same thing. He never actually meant it but I know that doesnt make anyone feel any better. We always told him that if he really meant it then fine but he needed to know he'd be living by our rules and that things wouldnt be all nice and lovely and him getting his own way the whole time.

Hope things work out ok and you get to speak to dsd soon and sort everythign out.

Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:36

DD (2.8) just came to me and said "my sister crying. Daddy go and get her" . We've just shut our eyes and thought about dsd and sent her some hugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 10:40

Thanks Tarantula. The wanting to live with us thing is really a side issue that we will deal with if it really came to it. Of course she's going to play her mum and dad off against each other - they don't discuss things and she can get away with it!

I think I'm more upset that she's had her phone taken away and can't get in touch with her Daddy for a chat if she's upset about something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 15:58

Feistybird, thank you for saying that. It was rude of me not to thank you before. I've just got back from taking dd to the Oceanarium and all the way round I kept thinking about what you, a total stranger said, and got the warm fuzzies! What a lovely place this is.

OP posts:
choccywoccydoodaa · 23/01/2006 16:23

Surfermum - you sound so levelheaded. Keeping the lines of communication open with BM is so important just to ensure your DSD is okay. Being separated from one parent is difficult at any age but for a burgeoning teenager (which most 10 year old appear to be today) this must just add to the mixed up emotions she is feeling.

How I wish I'd had a step-mother as lovely and underwstanding as you!

Original poster
Surfermum · 23/01/2006 17:14

Thanks Chocky, we will certainly try and keep BM on side. Dh is now home from work and is feeling as upset and helpless as I am. He's going to try and ring her mum in a bit and ask if he's allowed to speak to dsd. I think we both just want to go and give her a big hug and make it all better for her. DH was nearly in tears last night when she kept sobbing "come and get me Daddy, just come and get me".

OP posts:
ernest · 24/01/2006 10:46

It seems really hard that he's not allowed to contact her except on Wednesdays. Arranging visits is one thing, but her just having a chat with her dad?? Do you know why the bm is so hard on her dd ringing her dad? Is there any chance you adults or even just the bm & dad can sit down & have a rational chat about it? How long has she lived away from dad? Was it her choice or was she too young? sorry nothing more constructive to add

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 11:19

I agree Earnest
once a week to speak on the phone is awful!

my H rings every night between 6 & 6.30pm
sometimes I answer and then hand over to DS, sometimes I dont feel like speaking so DS (nrly 4) answers the phone & switches it off when finished

I have to say that was thanks to advice from you stepmums though but so glad I do it
its not DS's fault that daddy isnt here anymore

Original poster
Surfermum · 24/01/2006 12:21

She says it's because she doesn't want dh "in her house". By that she means that even a phone call to his daughter is an intrusion into her life and she doesn't want it. I think it's the last thing she has control over and she's worried that she's losing that too. Dsd was 2 when his ex ended the relationship. She moved someone else in the same weekend that dh moved out and he became the new Daddy. She then stopped dh seeing his dd and he had to go to Court to get a contact order and PR. Bizarrely I think she has found it really difficult that dh was a decent guy and didn't just walk away, like her other childrens' fathers have.

Anyway dh phoned last night and had a brief word with BM, who said that Dsd had felt ill the next morning, but she took her to school only to be called to come and collect her. I really hope it's just normal illness, like a bug or something, and not related to Sunday night. We spoke to dsd too and at the end of the conversation dh and I looked at each other, laughed and said "that doesn't sound like a girl who wants to leave home".
Hopefully that side of things has been a storm in a teacup, but there's still the issue of the phone to sort. She still has it at the moment but has hidden it from her mum. She really doesn't want it taken off her and has asked dh to speak to her mum about it. I feel much happier now we've spoken to her and I hope that her mum has realised that dh wants to just work with her, rather than against her, to make sure that dsd is OK and happy.

Mrs M - I've been following your threads and post occasionally. You are a total star the way you've handled things.

OP posts:
MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 12:24

I cant believe SHE was the one who kicked your DH out, moved someone in so soon and now doesnt want him intruding !!
she needs a good slap

veuveclicquot · 24/01/2006 12:26

Oh goodness, surfermum, this is a tricky one. I've been a stepmum for nearly 10 years (I'm 35 now with a 3.1 DD, DSS are 15 and 20).

My DP speaks to his sons every single day and it broke his heart when he had to leave the family home. Is the divorce fairly recent? I just wondered as mums are much less flexible while the hurt is still very strong. It seems strange that your Dh can only speak to her once a week.

It sounds like his DD is crying out for attention, poor thing, it must be very hard for her, especially if BM is still very bitter.

Can you try to increase the amount of time your DP can spend talking to her and seeing her? It sounds like she feels a bit alone. I think a bit of extra attention might sort things out (unless there's something else going on, but I remember my parents being divorced at the same age and I became hysterical very easily if I felt neglected).

She might think that she wants to live with you, but then if she did she would have the same emotions about her BM - and if your BM now has other children then she's not going to have the time for the extra attention she'd need. Plus I don't think her BM would give her up!. I think extra support and time would help.

You sound like a great stepmum and it's nice to hear somebody really care about their stepchildren - it is a difficult relationship after all and completely different to having your own (although I love mine like my own).

Original poster
Surfermum · 24/01/2006 12:32

Sorry gotta go - dd needs waking up and taking to pre-chool! Will reply later .

OP posts:
FruitAndNutcase · 24/01/2006 12:34

Surfermum, I just felt I had to post and say that I am so sorry to hear what BM is putting you, DH and SD through. I can relate a little with regards to the phonecalls as DP is only allowed to phone his kids once a week on a Thursday at 8pm (and this was only agreed via solicitors). If he is so much as 5 minutes late, SS phones up crying saying daddy forgot to ring us. When DP has tried to phone any other night, BM will not let him speak to the kids as "it is not his night to speak to them" and puts the phone down. I really do not understand what makes these women think they can torture their children and the fathers like this, it makes me so angry .
Sending big hugs to you xxx

freshstart · 24/01/2006 12:36

Surfermum just to let you know that my brothers DD came to live with him ad his new wife when she was 9. She is now 13 and it has worked brilliantly - best thing ever for her.

It can definitely work.

crunchie · 24/01/2006 12:37

I am not a step mum but I do think that now your dsd is 10 and has her own mobile phone then she should be allowed to call her dad whenever she wants. It wouldn't invade on the BM house as it wouldn't be the family phone. I do think your dh could discuss this with his ex and agree ground rules as to what is said. eg no encourgaing her to come live with you and no suggesting she gets round/breaks rules in her current home IYKWIM. I think that your dsd should be allowed to call her dad whenever she wants, and that it is obviously important to her and yes she may call over emotional and begging to leave, but as long as you all realise it is pre-teen hormones and that you and your dh will be supportive and a sounding board then it should help her.

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 12:38

I can understand in a way as my H had an affair and left
I dont know where hes living
I cant phone him as he can CHOOSE whether to answer the phone

he knows where I am
he can ring cos of speaking to the children

so yes, I can see its maybe a control thing
but all BM could teach their children to answer the phone
I just switch off & make sure Im busy when H rings if I dont feel like speaking myself

however my situation is only 10 weeks - Id like to think 8 yrs down the line I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought