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Step-parenting

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Original poster

women make me mad!

27 replies

samwellsbutt · 20/12/2011 11:51

reading a thread on aibu about the usual, ex making a womans life miserable and basically it the usual keep your nose out, suck it up. its their kids bla bla bla. he will do the same to you crap.
the op has vanished it seems under the weight of all this well meaning the wife is so hard done by your holed up playing happy families crap.
i mean really what do people think happens to the kids when the wife gets free rein to behave like a horrible child because everyone believe she is the wounded party and the husband was an evil soul sucking fiend. gah!

OP posts:
SydneyLa · 20/12/2011 12:49

Soz Beef.

PurpleHatPipeAndBoots · 20/12/2011 13:02

Absolutely 100% agree with you. I didn't realise that women were handed 'get out of jail free' cards along with their divorce papers.

theredhen · 20/12/2011 13:12

Someone on that thread said that they feel sorry for the Mum and she shouldn't be left alone without her kids on Christmas day. Xmas Hmm

Can you imagine if OP had gone on there saying she didn't want to have his kids on Xmas day?! Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

Seems to me it's perfectly OK for the biological mum to make all the decisions, tell everyone else how to live their lives, can have their kids with them whenever they choose on whatever is their latest whim and get pots of money thrown at them as well.

New children of the family (whether they are step or "half" siblings), have to go without because of not wanting to upset this woman who is intent on controlling everyone in the name of "doing what's best for her kids".

Original poster
samwellsbutt · 20/12/2011 13:16

i know it is insane. and the one on there saying that the family courts recommend contact every other weekend as it is less disruptive to the children.
so its better for the kids to see less of the man they have had in there lives every day up until that point. my dc go mad if they miss a single weekend with their dad i would never do that to them.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 20/12/2011 16:30

agreed - it seems to have been step bashing week this week - drives me nuts

therantingBOM · 20/12/2011 17:36

Whilst I'm very unhappy about the "women" in the title, it's not all women - I completely agree with the sentiment and this is spot on PurpleHatPipeAndBoots

"I didn't realise that women were handed 'get out of jail free' cards along with their divorce papers"

Some people think that marriage and children is a meal ticket for life and that a divorce gives you the right to a certain amount of lie ins each week plus unwaivering, guaranteed income each month plus a life of everyone patting you on the back for being a saint.

FanDanceLil · 21/12/2011 08:43

Someone on that thread said that they feel sorry for the Mum and she shouldn't be left alone without her kids on Christmas day.

As well as being a step parent I've also previously been a single parent for a while too and can understand anyone wanting to spend time with their children on xmas day. I know DS will be spending time with both me and his half sisters and then time with his dad (my ex) on xmas day.

However, I think that the behaviour which seems to get up the noses of most step parents is the use of the child/ren like a commodity as a means to get your own way "do as I say and you can see your child" or "if you do that then you can't see your child".

The flashpoint that I feel as a step parent to DH's son is when exW's behaviour upsets DH and it becomes hard not to become emotionally involved. So although I knew what I was getting into in marrying him and that I shouldn't get involved or should suck it up and move on, when you see someone that you love upset because, in your opinion exW is being unreasonable to suit herself, it's tough to step back from it especially if it's a regular occurrence.

Smum99 · 21/12/2011 12:43

I've always struggled with the myth that all mothers are saints..interestingly, it seems that once you are older, women can have NPD, Borderline, toxic mothers but somehow an ex wife or current mum is never anything but perfect and beyond criticism.

My DSS's mum has chosen to not have her DCs this xmas (despite it being her turn)...she would rather spend it with her new b/f. Her DCs have been dropped off with their various dads..fortunately the DCs do have caring fathers but this image isn't one we hear about.

prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 14:15

I have to say what is really, really pissing me off at the moment, particularly with all the threads on AIBU, is that every, single solitary time a Step Mum posts on any other area of the site, one of the first things that goes up is "I am not the OW" BTW. Like we have to explain it - and if the op doesnt do that you can guarantee within the first few posts "were you the ow". Like that makes it ok to destroy your kids lives.

On every relationship thread where a woman talks about an affair she is having its "men never leave their wives for the mistresses" and the divorce rate is nearly fifty percent in this country - so which is it people - do you REALLY all assume that EVERY second wife had a hand in their partners break ups? REALLY. NOT ONE of them got it wrong, or was SHOCK HORROR" abused themselves. Can you imagine if it were the same way for lone parents - "my new boyfriend does this, what do you think - I didnt have an affair btw". The double standards, territorial assumptions and transference drive me fucking mental!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EverybodyKnows · 21/12/2011 14:21

Amen prettyfly1

Original poster
samwellsbutt · 21/12/2011 15:50

when my dp told his ex about me the first question she asked him was how long we had been together and she didnt believe him. i think she still thinks we were having an affair.

OP posts:
talie101 · 21/12/2011 17:45

Let's not forget there are two sides to every story! Most people will usually side with or take on the views of their current partner, making the other person out to be the bad one. I wonder how many new partners would actually stick up for their dp/dh/dw's ex if justified? More likely new partners intervene when most things should be sorted by the two parents concerned and save the situation from becoming ten times worse! Who likes being told by a third party what to do? - even when it's not involving marriage breakups and children.

Bitchy ex wives with blameless ex husbands, and asshole ex husbands with blameless ex wives are in the minority. Women stopping decent fathers from seeing their children are disgraceful and so are men who shirk their responsibilities as fathers - wonder which category is the largest?! Lots of us are decent responsible adults who do the right thing for the dc's - shame the minority spoil it for the rest of us and give us a bad name.

NotaDisneyMum · 21/12/2011 18:38

talie - you're quite right, and as a NR SM, I have achieved more for my DSC by holding both my DP and his exW accountable for the distress their behaviour has caused the DSC, rather than ranting about her behaviour and making my DP out to be the innocent victim.

Fortunately, my DP accepts my objective, and on occasion, critical, comments in the manner they are meant - with the DSC as my primary concern.

Both my DP's and his exW behaviour has caused the DSC's distress, anxiety and unhappiness - and (IMO) they are both responsible for putting right the damage they have caused.

nkf · 21/12/2011 18:44

I'm going against the grain here but I don't think I have ever read a thread that suggested the exwife was anything other than a shrew/money-grabbing/manipulative and, possibly, mad.

nkf · 21/12/2011 18:49

And I hate the line that goes the poor wronged DH "gives" his ex money. You're meant to support your children and it's a shame (for you) that the most efficient way to do that is to make sure the resident parent (usually the ex wife has the income necessary) which means you have to "give" money to someone you don't like or respect. People say lawyers should not be involved in divorce but when I look at the mess people make on their own, I can't agree.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 21/12/2011 18:54

Nice thread title Hmm

Jemma1111 · 21/12/2011 19:00

Well said nkf !

mrsravelstein · 21/12/2011 19:08

agree, NKF - amazing how many appalling selfish vindictive ex wives out there with totally blameless husbands... and indeed several of my friends who are 2nd wives, who are otherwise quite normal sensible people, are unable to remotely accept that there may just have been 2 people making the 1st marriage go wrong.

Jemma1111 · 21/12/2011 20:11

Its also amazes me how often ex wives are referred to as the 'psycho ex' by the 2nd wives.

Jealousy is a horrible thing

NotaDisneyMum · 21/12/2011 20:23

Jemma why would I be jealous of my DPs exW?
I have considered her unstable and may have described her behaviour (when she verbally abused me in front of the DSC) as psycho (or similar) to others - but do normal social standards not apply to her because she doesn't like the decisions that her exH has made?

prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 20:41

To be fair I think if you check my posts I ALWAYS make it clear that there are two sides to stories. Go and read the story in AIBU right now where a woman is in desperate need of support over her ex leaving - its shit what is being done to her. What I do not like is

a. The assumption made that a second wife is an ow and is lying or being blind to her partners faults. I live with my partner I know he isnt perfect but I also know he doesnt deserve to be harassed and abused in the way he is and I find it very difficult not to get very angry about that. If his ex was a man she would be arrested and charged with domestic abuse. Its that simple.

b. This is not AIBU. This is step parents, where we discuss very difficult issues in our lives in a way that shouldnt be intrusive to anyone who doesnt want to read it. This is where we vent our spleens, sometimes unpleasantly, about how tough things can be for us and get it out of our system so we can go back to the coal face of resentful kids, and difficult previous relationships, whilst we attempt to balance needs for everyone. We dont go on lone parents and attack first wives (many of us,myself included being a former single parent with my own ex I have to deal with). We dont sit in judgement as a rule although recently I have started to get very irritated with how step mums seem to be viewed on mn - this being the perfect example.

NKF I have to be honest I normally really enjoy reading your posts and hearing your thoughts. I dont always agree with you but I find you constructive, balanced and rational. I hope you understand with that in mind when I say I dont however agree with you being here, purely by the looks of it to have a go at women who in the main already have fucking difficult lives that they are trying to negotiate, and venting as a release for that. You, Jemma and possibly the others may disagree but I really dont see why this was posted. We arent doing anyone any harm over here and believe you me most of us get enough shit in our real lives. Please try and let us have this one place to get it off our chests and just be honest as I promise you for so many of us, myself include, this is absolutely the only place we can do. I hope you understand that I am not being a bitch saying that, just protecting something that means a lot to me and a lot of the women on here.

therantingBOM · 22/12/2011 09:31

And it is more likely that people who are having trouble with their partners exwife or the children will come on here. It's not that all "new wives" think their partners ex is a psycho... it's just that it's unlikely youre going to come on to talk about how great she is.

If that isn't obvious then I give up.

pinkbraces · 22/12/2011 10:59

Most of us who come on to vent talk about our own experiences which are difficult and sometimes very stressful. If my DH ex had an amicable relationship with us and didnt cause untold damage and unhappiness by the way she acts with us and her children then I wouldnt be on here at all.

I also have an ex and we have managed to parent our DD together, along with my DH, so I know how good and easy it can be if parents work together.

It is my experience that some ex wives become bitter and full of hate especially when their ex husbands marry again, and no I wasnt the OW.

When couples divorce the children should come first and NOT be used as pawns by in my case the ex wife.

EverybodyKnows · 22/12/2011 15:40

Prettyfly1- Your post at Wed 21-Dec-11 20:41:59 is simply brilliant.

Original poster
samwellsbutt · 22/12/2011 15:51

Grin yes its a great thread title you came on here and proved it admirably.
prettyfly you maybe my new hero great post.

OP posts: