Having difficulty detaching from emotions regarding the ExW - HELP

[MakingMyselfCrazy]

First time posting on this topic (name changed for the occasion), but I am a proper lurker and have found comfort many times on the step-parenting threads. At the moment my relationship all feels like it's coming unglued and I'm here to ask for your insight and suggestions of how you may have handled a similar situation.

Have been with DP for 2 years, live together and share custody of DSS (8) with his ExW. It's meant to be a 50/50 arrangement, but we often end up having DSS about 60-70% of the time. That part is all good and well - have a fantastic relationship with DSS, and despite some irritation about juggling schedules to cater for ExW's ever-changing plans, it's all fairly straight forward. Likewise, DP is wonderful - this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Fortunately he is extremely supportive and generous concerning my feelings about the dynamics of step-parenting. In fact, he is so supportive that I fear I have allowed some of my personal issues (primarily my ridiculous resentment towards ExW) to take up too much space in our relationship. I label it ridiculous because I know it is unreasonable. Outwardly things look fine - we adults have very pleasant interactions and I know (from what she's said to DP and mutual friends) that she is incredibly grateful for my parenting contributions. The thing is, I just don't like her. I don't like how she behaves or how she treats/has treated DP & DSS. And I certainly don't like the negative impact she has on me and my mental/emotional well-being - I've come to violently resent her position in my life. But, perhaps most importantly, I truly dislike the fact that I even harbour these negative feelings.

I can't change the past - and I know I can't change the things she's done (& continues to do) that impact my life in negative ways, but surely I can turn some of my negativity towards her around? Because at the moment I'm taking my anger out at DP and it's beginning to destroy what is a really good, loving relationship.

So, ladies, I beseech you - please share any wisdom and insight you might have. How have you helped yourself feel more positive in dealing with your strong negative emotions concerning the ExW?

But what has she done exactly? From what you've said you all have a good/reasonable relationship?

What is the real problem here? I'm honestly not sure why you feel so negative when it seems for a SP situation you are all getting on well.

I know what you're saying Singing - for all intents and purposes it looks fine on the surface. I'm not going to go into a whole list of 'what she's done' - suffice to say that she's absent for a lot of DSS's life and then swoops in to play DisneyMum, which is extremely confusing and difficult for him; which in turn is difficult for myself & DP. I am very angry with her for the way she treats all of us - DSS is the show pony that she hauls out of storage when it suits her and we're her childcare for all the times she doesn't want to deal with being a mother. Again, this is not about slagging her (I know I can't change her behaviour and would never attempt to try), but I really want to find some peace for myself regarding the negativity I feel towards her. I work very hard to keep things pleasant externally but it's really beginning to wear me out. I'm generally a very forthright woman but this is the one person in my life that I don't get to express my feelings of anger to. I know better than to express what I'm really feeling to her - it would all blow up and I refuse to hurt DSS that way. But like I wrote in the OP, I'm having a hard time not taking it out on DP, which is horrible for both of us.

Perhaps I'm naive in writing on MN to ask for advice, but I imagine that other step-mums might have gone through similar emotions and I'm genuinely curious about how they dealt with it.

OP - I am stepmother to two DSSs (and have a DD, their half-sister, with DP) who have a DisneyMum. I do not try to be civil to her - I stay right away and don't even attempt to have a relationship because I don't want to waste any more time/energy than is necessary (and it is already quite a lot) feeling resentful about the way she always shifts the hard graft of parenting onto me and DP and keeps the fun for her (all at her convenience). I would step back and try not to see her if I were you. It is not good for anyone for you to smile at her in public and seethe and simmer internally!

Is your DP angry with her for the way she treats you all?

Hi, i also have issues with the ex, and have posted asking a similar question myself. It isn't clear really in your post what your specific issue is.

I got the sense that - you have to change your plans to accommodate ex's changes in plans, she has treated/still treats your DH and your DSS in ways you disagree with, you have 'resentment' towards her. I can;t tell if all your feelings are about your step-parenting role or if there is any jealousy around her as your DH's ex. So a bit more info might be good!

In my case, my major issue is that my SS' mum treats him rather carelessly, often changing arrangements and moving times etc, or working during their time together. This then makes SS really angry. When we try to explain, SS' mum gets angry with my DP. So no progress can be made. I feel my SS gets hurt, we can;t change the actions of the person causing the hurt, we are left with an angry boy to deal with. This I think is a natural part of my love/care for SS, I hate to see him hurt.

Another issue I have, which makes me feel a bit crap to admit, is that I can feel put out when I work like crazy for my SS all week (he lives here) and then his mum opens a tin of soup on a weekend and he thinks the sun shines out of her. Some weeks it feels like I get all the crap and she gets all the love. I guess this is just jealousy/resentment.

I deal with the feelings to a varying degree. One thing is I have stopped trying not to be angry. I have allowed the anger etc to exist. i have drawn pics of my anger. I have written letters to her (of course unsent!) and I have written letters to my SS (again unsent). I have really explored the feelings. And after a short period of wallowing I say 'enough' and put them to bed for a good while.

Also, I have spent much more time investing energy in positive reinforcement for my role. Especially when my SS gives me shit (which is less just now but a few months ago was very targeted at me) I actively tell myself I do a good job, I try, I have made a positive contribution to his life.

I think it is very hard when the relationship between co-parents looks good but is actually strained underneath. Ours is like that in many ways. I am now much less focused on trying to fix things or trying to stop my SS feeling bad about things. I never justify his mum's choices to my SS or anyone. I don't criticise, but if he is upset I simply say something vague like 'I'm sorry it's not working out how you'd like' - I no longer try to make up for someone else's choices. I used to run myself ragged trying to make SS feel better about things - e.g. saying stuff like 'I'm sure your mum would be here if she could' - this was almost always crap - she had asked to swap dates or whatever. I don't do that anymore as it was making me even angrier. I just say 'I'm sorry you're not feeling happy' and leave it there. Then I focus on doing something good for SS e.g. a nice tea and a dvd.

I think I've wittered on long enough! Do post some more details about what exactly is causing your resentment.

Do you have any children of your own, OP?

I honestly don't mean to drip-feed the details of my situation - I was just trying to keep it about positive solutions versus me getting all riled up. The Biggest Issue is that she lies. A lot. About everything - important stuff, stupid stuff, whatever.

chelen! Your post basically described a lot of what's going on with me/us.

Bonsoir - good advice.

Singing - DP works incredibly hard to not be angry with her because he doesn't want it to affect DSS. He's obviously better than me at bottling emotions! Also, for him it's a bit different because he feels so much more free from her control than when they were married. On one hand he's glad that she's gone so much because we get to spend more time with DSS, but at the same time he hates the fact that ExW doesn't feel the need to create a proper home for herself & DSS because she thinks we provide that for him. I think it's very painful for DP that the ExW's actions don't show her to ever put DSS first.

I would say you and your partner need to stop bottling up the emotions. I accept the feelings need to be kept away from your SS but that doesn't mean you have to pretend to be 'fine' when he;s not in the room. Acknowledging the anger is vital IMO, otherwise it just festers. Your Dp should not be trying not to be angry. He should acknowledge his anger and find a healthy way to process it. Otherwise where does the anger go?

I am not in favour of detaching as a solution generally, I know others say it works for them but I don't like it.

What do you mean she lies? About what and to whom?

chelen - everything. Seriously. She lies about everything. It was a huge issue in their marriage. She's never where she says she is, she's never doing what she says she's doing - I think lying is just her default position. I don't understand it. A lot of it doesn't affect us, but some of it does - especially regarding DSS's schedule and travel. The worst of it is when it affects DSS directly - it's so painful to watch him try to cover for her.

chelen I agree about him not bottling it all up - the thing is, he is now convinced that our whole situation would be better if I wasn't feeling so resentful and angry. And he's right to a degree - because in the heat of my feelings I end up direct it all towards him. (Hence the OP)

I don't know if 'detach' is the right word, but I need to get it out/change it up somehow. I probably need therapy! (Or a big )

directing

MMC, I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Dealing with the ex and all the issues of step-parenting must be doubly hard whilst this is happening to you and your DP.

Therapy might just be the answer! Me and my DP had plenty. Step parenting is really, really hard bloody work... but hopefully earns you a free pass to heaven

Oh so sorry to hear about your Mcs.

I know the default position is 'detach' but tbh I've never found that to be the answer. In some ways it is, as in just take a step back, but I've found it just leaves me feeling isolated in a way and actually just as hacked off.

Not sure there is any easy answer or indeed any answer at all. After many years of step-parenting I still sometimes think I am treading water waiting for the calm to wash over me.

Singing I know exactly what you mean about stepping back causing isolation and anger - I wish I could function in a more detached way...

Actually, getting some of my feelings out through this thread tonight been very helpful. Thank you all.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the calm waters and that free pass!

Maybe your DP isn't better at bottling up his emotions but, rather, he could simply be better at letting go of them. I imagine he's had to have a lot of practise at it through dealing with his ex for so many years.

It might help to consider that she's not being a lying flake deliberately to piss you off or to hurt anyone, she's treating everyone like that. It's nothing personal. She's simply a lying flake and that's the best she can manage. How sad.

It's a tragic shame for DSS that his mum is so rubbish but, on the other hand, he's got a dad and a step-mum who act as an anchor no matter how hot or cold his mother may blow (forgive the slightly tortured metaphor). That's incredibly important to DSS as he knows there's always going to be at least someone be can rely on.

I hope you manage to have your own baby soon as I think it will help you focus on your own parenting, and making a success of your own family, and you will have less time and energy to devote to feeling frustrated with exW.

You DH's exW sounds a bit like my DP's exW - always fiddling everything in her favour and not being straight with anyone in order to get her own advantage all the time. It is not a good long term policy and my very best advice is for both you and your DH to not let her get away with it, even if sometimes your DSS has to suffer (a little) in the short term.

OP I think I really get where you're coming from. My DSS(7) lives with us, we've been together 2 years and we don't have any other DCs (TTC at the moment, so sorry about your mcs). I harbour a fair amount of resentment and quite honestly disgust for my DSS's mum at times. She sees him for one night a fortnight and could definitely be characterised as a disney mum.

The thing I've found that helps is to ask myself if I could do any of the things she does if I had my own child, and the answer always is no. Most things tend to stem from utter selfishness and her complete inability to put anyone other than herself first. That all said, rather than let it eat away at me (particularly when I have had to pick up the pieces or cover up for her) I tend to just feel sad for her. Sad that she will never appreciate her son properly, sad that she doesn't get to do all the things I do and sympathy that she just doesn't get what being a parent is. When I turn it around like that, I think it takes the aggression and anger out of the equation. Obviously I do feel the need to vent from time to time (like when she came to his nativity just before it started and left as soon as it was over when she had an afternoon off work and could have taken him out for tea/engaged with him/played with him/ spent a tiny amount of her free time with him just for once).

If you have very low expectations then you tend to get less disappointed and angry. I have re-set my expectations of people by DSS's mum alone. I fully expect her to 'buy' him with sweets and presents for no reason and keep him up stupidly late. I expect her to never give him any more time than her one night a fortnight. I fully expect her never to call him when she says she will. The list goes on. But with all these expectations in place, my time with DSS is no longer fire-fighting the reactions but anticipates them in advance so that we have all the coping mechanisms in place.

Your DSS's mum doesn't just demonstrate poor parenting but also shows such disregard for another person, if she treats her own son this way, imagine what her friends and colleagues think of her. Like you say, you can't change her but you can really value how much you give to your DSS and how important the stability and love he gets from you and your DP is to him.

"despite some irritation about juggling schedules to cater for ExW's ever-changing plan"

This was the nub of the matter for me. I found it almost unbearable to have to drop plans at the last minute to have dss because his mum had a party etc. Finally put my foot down and became very rigid about contact arrangements, saying no to extras and swaps etc etc. I feel so much better and happier - and it works better for dss too as he likes the regularity.

It's easier for your dp to manage his emotions because he probably always wants to have his son and is prepared to make sacrifices to that end. It's not as easy when you are an sp, because you don't always want to put your own needs and arrangements to one side.

We have also become much more rigid about contact arrangements, because we were being asked to swap all the time for mum's convenience. Flexibility for the kids is great, one way flexibility for a parent's convenience just breeds resentment I think.

Im not a step mum - I am the evil exw but reverse the situation and you have mine. Im posting to help you deal with your negative feelings because Ive had the same problem and been equally as annoyed at allowing her my precious time and energy not to mention ruining special times with her vicious treatment of my DS.
So, how I deal with it is as follows
1,I write is all down -literally I journal everything, my emotions, what happens every single time I feel things spiral. I have written pages of drivel but it really helps focus the mind as to what is really an issue and what is me over reacting to built up anxiety or anger. It really is so cathartic, I burned some the other day it was like watching the resentment melt away.
2,Every time I get wound up I put £2 in a tub and chop it in on my birthday - something positive from the negative.
3,I google situations, I almost always find someone else who has blogged or posted about it and its great knowing I am not alone and sometimes its good for a laugh
4, (this one is petty) I imagine her dressed as andypandy or similar with extra freckles everytime I see her, it makes me giggle inside - Im sure she wonders why I have such a grin on my face
5, when I have to be near her i just keep in mind anything I am looking forward too - her dressed daft in my head and a positve thought really help me in the immediate situation

I hope it helps to know some one else feels your frustration even if the role is reversed - think happy thoughts! x

Very interesting thread. I am a SP but all kids and skids grown with families of their own. In the case of my SD thank god - she was so so difficult and didn't even live with us. Looking back I can see I didn't handle things well, I was young and we never had any money etc etc.

However I think what the MMC is talking about here is jealousy and yes the ex may do all the things she says, but even if she didn't I still thin MC you would feel something similar. Fallenpetal has not actually mentioned the word jealousy but it's pretty clear she is feeling something like this, but has found a way to get it out of her head and onto paper. Very good idea, as is her way of imagining the OW.

I actually think that in the majority of cases, first wives are jealous of second wives and vice versa. It's part of the human condition. I am sure the jealousy varies in its intensity, but I suspect it is always there lurking beneath the surface, maybe not even at a conscious level.

Jealousy is a very complex emotion which we often can't understand ourselves, but which causes great distress. Sorry if I'm on the wrong track MMC but those are just my thoughts, having experienced this emotion a few times in my life.

NanaNina!! Aren't you the poster who always reminds us that humans are the only animals that step-parent and it defies nature? Makes me every time.

I think you're probably spot-on with the deduction that what I'm feeling is jealousy. But in my case I think it's less of a 1st wife/2nd wife thing and has more to do with mothering. DSS already spends the bulk of his time at our house (which means I'm the central female figure in his life) and next month the Ex is moving 5+ hours away so he'll be with us full time. Which had been hard for DSS to cope with. The whole situation is infuriating, heartbreaking and frustrating. Because no matter what I do for him or how much I love him and support him in the absence of his birth mother, I will never be enough for DSS because I'm not his mother. And he needs/wants/deserves a steady relationship with her. He's turning 9 in Feb and DP and I are already making a contingency plan for if when she stands DSS up on his bday. It's just shitty that we even have to think like that. But we do, because time and time again she lets him/us down.

I'm so glad that you joined us to share your thoughts, petal ...all good advice (and I honestly wish DSS had a mum more like you - I really think it would make my life a lot less stressful and full of anxiety!)

Thanks again everyone - I've been feeling much better this week. You've helped me twist my head on straight. DP and I have had some wonderfully frank conversations - I've been sharing your posts with him. I feel stronger, our relationship feels stronger, and most importantly, I haven't lashed out at him with displaced anger.

Bring on the mince pies!

• been hard