Having difficulty detaching from emotions regarding the ExW - HELP

[MakingMyselfCrazy]

First time posting on this topic (name changed for the occasion), but I am a proper lurker and have found comfort many times on the step-parenting threads. At the moment my relationship all feels like it's coming unglued and I'm here to ask for your insight and suggestions of how you may have handled a similar situation.

Have been with DP for 2 years, live together and share custody of DSS (8) with his ExW. It's meant to be a 50/50 arrangement, but we often end up having DSS about 60-70% of the time. That part is all good and well - have a fantastic relationship with DSS, and despite some irritation about juggling schedules to cater for ExW's ever-changing plans, it's all fairly straight forward. Likewise, DP is wonderful - this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Fortunately he is extremely supportive and generous concerning my feelings about the dynamics of step-parenting. In fact, he is so supportive that I fear I have allowed some of my personal issues (primarily my ridiculous resentment towards ExW) to take up too much space in our relationship. I label it ridiculous because I know it is unreasonable. Outwardly things look fine - we adults have very pleasant interactions and I know (from what she's said to DP and mutual friends) that she is incredibly grateful for my parenting contributions. The thing is, I just don't like her. I don't like how she behaves or how she treats/has treated DP & DSS. And I certainly don't like the negative impact she has on me and my mental/emotional well-being - I've come to violently resent her position in my life. But, perhaps most importantly, I truly dislike the fact that I even harbour these negative feelings.

I can't change the past - and I know I can't change the things she's done (& continues to do) that impact my life in negative ways, but surely I can turn some of my negativity towards her around? Because at the moment I'm taking my anger out at DP and it's beginning to destroy what is a really good, loving relationship.

So, ladies, I beseech you - please share any wisdom and insight you might have. How have you helped yourself feel more positive in dealing with your strong negative emotions concerning the ExW?

That was a complete correction fail!

MCC Im so glad you are feeling better, its so bloody tough this blended family lark (dont much like that phrase)

Nananina is right, there is jealousy or actually there was jealousy on my part for sure, I hope I have dealt with it now for the most part. I think my jealousy was mainly of her having special times with my kids,I realised that hey so what, I gave birth to her, watched her first steps and taught her to read.... far more important.
Sadly with my son it was pure anger at her resentment of him, Ive not dealt with that and I dont know how I ever will tbh. My precious boy is a toad I know but is so loving and just wants to be loved back!

But what ever I try to be patient and I think its ok to feel as we do, because we recognise it and know its mostly irrelevant. Its being able to cut off when it gets too much and sort yourself out thats so important rather than getting stressed.

I hope you have an amazing Christmas! Xx

MMC - yes I am that very same poster! Glad you are beginning to see your way through this maze. It is very clear isn't it that the boy's mother has "washed her hands of him" and you are going to have to be his surrogate mother. You talk about how unfair this is to the child, but what about you how do you feel about this? There must be feelings of anger against the ex for dumping her child, but you must also have some feelings about being the child's substitute mother? Glad you and your ex have had such frank dissussions. Keep it up because it's only by communicating that you will work things out over the years ahead.